Trapped - very long (sorry but writing helps)

[mollybob]

My DH (at the moment I very much want to drop the D) has bipolar. He has been ill for 3+ years - in and out of hospital, nearly committed suicide (had the noose in the garage and had tried it out for his weight but was writing his note when found) and remains ill. He used to be such a great guy - creative, musical, fit/exercise junkie. Now he spends 18 or so hours a day in bed or lying on the couch. He says he isn't depressed and his psychiatrist thinks he is getting better but he doesn't care about anything. He only washes when nagged seriously and doesn't care about the impact on me of living with a ghost who smells so bad at times he turns my stomach. We have 2 DCs - DS (11) and DD (8) and I'm 26 weeks pregnant with number 3 - probably another DD although scan wasn't completely clear on that. I do not want this baby at all but I did prior to the conception. He had started a masters course and was very positive when we stopped contraception. I always wanted more kids and was uber broody. I had a miscarriage this time last year and we were both devestated. He missed an assignment deadline a few days after my admission to hospital (miscarriage was complicated by infection in the placental tissue and I was pretty ill for the next few months). The university were not at all sympathetic and his mood crashed. This also coincided with my Dad being seriously ill and needing heart surgery. DH has very little family support and few friends - we moved nearer my family a year before he first became ill and although there have been tentative friendships he has no interest in maintaining these. He is close to his brother who is a short plane ride away. His DB is a good bloke if a bit scatty and lives with a slightly crazy woman since his own marriage ended. DBil is currently out of work with the recession. The only sign of life in DH is when he talks to his DB, is with the DCs or when he watches sport on TV.

I have tried so hard for years to make things better - I work 3 jobs and have saved us from losing our house - bought on the basis of both our incomes about 4 months before he stopped work with illness. I have funded all sorts of projects for him, bought him gifts to cheer him up, taken him on amazing holidays etc. I think one reason I wanted another baby was the hope that a DS2 would be more into the same stuff as him and would give him something to live for. (DS is a computer geek and DH loves rugby and football) I know now how crazy that sounds (especially as this is probably a DD) I realise I have lived for years trying to find a way to keep him alive as parental suicide is a sure way to screw up my children big time. Unfortunately all the emphasis being on him is making me ill - especially as this pregnancy has been awful with hyperemesis since week 6 for which I am still on a cocktail of drugs. We hadn't really started trying again post miscarriage but were on holiday - forgot to pack the condoms and had sex one day in August and conceived. I was happy for a few days after my BFP but now just feel sad for this poor unwanted baby. I hope I will grow to love it when it's born and didn't bond with DD until I was off work before the birth so am hoping that will happen again.

I am getting increasingly down myself - at the state of the house mainly - it is disgustingly unhygienic and the garden which is full of dog shit (we have 2 dogs, he never walks them any more which used to be something he loved) The DCs cannot play in the garden as a result. I feel embarassed to have anyone around although my parents come most weeks for a few hours. I am so exhausted I cannot clean but I have a day off today so will attack the bathrooms even if it makes me sick.

He is not himself but may never be again and I do see that he feels he cannot do what I need/want (I think he's over sedated with all the drugs he's on actually) but a large part of me thinks it's also a way of punishing me - for making him move near my family (it was his idea but hasn't been a good thing for him) and for me being so successful in my career (more successful than I ever wanted but we need the money so I keep doing more and being lauded for being amazing) and for labelling him as mentally ill. He was so full of glee when I told him I was getting depressed yesterday - now I'm more sick than him. I had PND after DS.

I took my wedding ring off this morning - I'm not sleeping well and have up since 5 and that felt like a liberation but not a real solution - I am not leaving, he won't and has nowhere to go anyway (I have suggested he goes to visit his DB and hope he'll either not return or he'll realise what an arse he's being) and if I throw him out I believe the chances of him killing himself are very high. How could I explain to my DCs that they Dad is dead because he wouldn't clean the toilets? I know it's classic manipulation in a way - he never says this would happen but it still hangs over me as surely that would be the ultimate punishment for me. The only positive thing about him at the moment is he loves the DCs and cuddles them and tells them how much he loves them.

It came to a head for me when he bought me 12 red roses on Sunday - it just felt like such a lie.

I have posted some of this before but it helps to get it down. (Reading MN which I joined recently to help prepare for DC3 has made me realise how crap things are which is a double edged sword as there is no solution I can see. DH had all but convinced me that most people live lives of quiet desperation and I need to accept things and have lower expectations.)

Poor you that sounds awful. The only suggestion I can make is to get his brother to come down & try & talk some sense into him, or get him to go there. Tell him how bad it really is. Otherwise as hard as it seems you really need to put yourself first especially now your pregnant, you cant carry on like that. He seriously needs a kick up the arse - can you take the children & yourself to your relatives for a while? You need to tell people whats going on - dont keep it to yourself. Good luck

Hi Molly, god that is such an awful story to hear...I am so sorry you are going through this. Completely agree with Nelly, tell people whoknow/love you EXACTLY what is going on. Once it's out in the open it will snowball and you will get it sorted out somehow. I am going through separation myself and it's bloody awful so you are not alone

Oh dear.
So sorry for you and the dc in all this, sorry of course for your husband as well......but you didn't sign up for this, I presume? Your children certainly didn't.
That unborn baby didn't.

Your husband must be made to get help for himself. Tell his family, tell your family, tell your GP, tell his psychiatrist what is really happening.

Don't allow the fear that he will kill himself (and I'm sorry, but even if he did, it still would not have been your fault) to ruin your life. You are not trapped. It seems like you are. You need to get out, even if only while he gets the help and care he needs.

Take care. xx

have you spoken to his psychiatrist? because it doesn't sound like the medication is working. There are lots of different types (I suppose if dh isn't encouraging any change in them it's difficult but I do think psychiatrists, especially good ones, will listen to the family member's experiences of how their patient is behaving).

you need to make sure you get as much support as you can

what an ordeal...

I agree with what Bucharest said.
firstly- IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
mental illness is nobody's fault- not even your DH's. it may seem like he "doesn't want to help" or just "lay all day and do nothing"- it sounds like something is really wrong with him, and now it's time to have a serious talk to his psychiatrist. tell him about the suicide attempt, tell him how DH dysfunctions, tell him that he lays in bed all day and do nothing. It's a clear sign of depression (makes sense if he's BP), but it sounds serious.

Get your DBil involved- have him fly over or something- sounds like your DH needs external support (well, other than yourself) and now is the time to get it.

Stop being mad at yourself- it's not your fault. stop being mad at the kids- it's not DS's fault he likes computers and not rugby, and remember: kids are not there to fix adult problems. a lot of people put a lot of weight on kid's shoulders- to save marriages, or in your case- even to save lives. That is wrong, you should leave them out of the picture as much as possible.

If you can afford it, get some help yourself. not a cleaner to come every other day but once in a week/fortnight will do wonders to your house and to how you feel.

Sending you big hugs, and keeping my fingers crossed for you guys to pull through.

Your OP is so, so sad. Poor all of you.

Having said that, living in filth and chaos is a terrible mood depressant. I completely understand that the burden on your shoulders to support your family is massive; can you not ask around for some one-off help to get your house and garden back to a workable, pleasant state? Would your parents help (or pay for some help)?

The line that struck me in your post the most was that you feel you have to keep him alive and coax him into not commiting suicide for the sake of your kids.
What an incredible burden.

I think you should not carry the burden of how it will affect your kids if he commmits suicide. He may not be conscious of the effect his suicidal personality has on you but the fact is that its emotional manipulation .

I am in two minds about whether to type this but I will because I can sense how trapped you feel. I once read an essay written by a woman whose father had a mental illness which made him suicidal, and he did eventually commit suicide. She wrote about how it ruled her childhood and her life and about how she once came home from school to find her father in the garage in the car filled with exhaust fumes. She had to pull him out to save him. When he finally committed suicide she waited for the sadness to come but the only emotion she felt was relief. She was relieved that she was finally free of the burden of the threat of suicide.
My point is that you can't control the situation and it is not your responsibility to keep him alive. And the notion that you can keep him alive is an illusion anyway.

If you are at the end of your tether, you have to break free. You cannot "save" him. You never know, it might give him the kick he needs. Its not unheard of for someone to take stock of their life and re-asses it.
But you can't stay in the relationship because he may commit suicide if you leave.

Or if you want to give the relationship one last stab, force him to go to Cognitive Analytical Therapy (not Cognitive Behavoural Therapy) so that he will be forced to face his issues and examine how his childhood may have contribtued to his current state of mind.

Re-phrase. You can'T stay in the relationship just because you are worried about him commiting suicide if you leave.

I do think that telling other people - particularly DBIL who seems to be influential in your husbands life - will help.

If nothing else you need to have support and not feel like you are shouldering this terrible burden by yourself.

I really feel for you - you sound so unhappy and you don't deserve to.

I know its not ideal when you only have one income but could throwing money at some of the minor issues help? Getting a cleaner to help sort the house out so that its easier to keep on top of? Buying BIL a plane ticket and two return tickets so he can come over and take DH back with him to give you some space. Sorry clutching at straws to think of something useful to say - have some (((hugs))) and come back to here to release when you need

What a heart-rending post. As others have said, please don't blame yourself - or feel guilty for your angry thoughts - and don't blame him, either. It's not his fault, he's not manipulating you (so don't feel manipulated!): he is simply very unlucky that this is happening to him. And so are you.

I agree that a quick visit by his brother may provide some relief for you all. I was as depressed as your H for 2 years and, when I did see friends & family, was so lifted they thought I couldn't be all that bad! It was knackering though; couldn't keep it up for more than a weekend.

I'd like to add my voice to those who support you in separating if you need to. What's happening is nobody's fault but it is an immense strain on the family. I also support the idea of seeing his psychiatrist - I think will be helpful to you. Plus, if you do decide to split, proper advice on how to support H through it would be invaluable.

Helplines, where you can discuss your worries with people who know what you're going through, include Mind on 0845 766 0163 Website here and Sane on 0845 767 8000 here. Both do email as well. There's a big directory of support services on the NHS website Equip, here.

All the best.

Dozy mare! Sane website

Added again: If his shrink is an NHS one, you should be able to get some support services from the CMHU - that is, support for you as well as him, even if it's only a weekly talk with somebody who's seen it all before & has ideas.

I once suffered from depression, and the drugs they put me on made me a LOT worse. I went from being depressed but vaguely functioning to completely NON functioning (doing nothing, never washing, etc). I'm not saying that it's the case in your situation is it worth considering?

I wonder though maybe he needs more than just medication, ie, some kind of therapy? Or is he already having that too?

"I once suffered from depression" sounds like I had it once for two weeks or something, I should have phrased it differently. I struggled with it for many years, but found that the solution, for me, was not drugs.

Good point there by MoChan, about medication. I had SIX different meds & even more varying combinations/doses, before finding something that made a big difference ... Not that the others made me worse, but the current ones really help. This is something else you could discuss if you went to see his shrink together.

Also, as with the story Sakura posted, in the long run DC might recover more easily from his suicide than from decades of living in a family that is all about Daddy;'s mental health and everyone has to put that first. IE they will feel a lot better, and so will you, if you get him out of the house.
And him then killing himself isn't inevitable. TBH if he's this ill, residential care might be a workable option for him and throwing him out would be a way of ensuring he gets it.
ALso, though it's not his fault he's ill, it dertainly isn't yours or the DC's and your lives should not all be sacrificed to his illness like this.

Thank you all for the time reading my essay and your responses.

He is seeing his psych next week - I will email him in advance of the appointment to fill him in.

I do wonder if the meds are making him worse too mochan as he's not just lying in bed for hours at a time he is actually sleeping for hours. I understand sakura that eventually relief could be the feeling of the woman you described. However my DCs are so young that they have no idea how ill he is and losing him would be a real shock right now.

I must have expressed it badly re my nerdy, adorable DS - I am completely enamoured with my DCs - as is DH to be fair, but when I got pregnant with this one I wanted a boy and imagined that DH would get so much from a rugby playing little DS. Our DS goes to a school that takes rugby very seriously and all the dads of the team come along to training and help out. (Fortunately there's a chess club too!) DH would love to be a rugby dad and if he was well I would be so happy to see him doing stuff like that. I would love DH to get involved with the local rugby team as he used to play and is still strong and could get his fitness back but he won't. This was just a crazy dream of a way things would be better. (and I wanted a new DS to play sport not instead of the gorgeous boy I already have). I am not angry with the DCs (except sometimes but for normal things - my fuse is a bit shorter at the moment but I do try not to shout at them) I am worried about the DCs as I am usually the one that looks out for them especially when DH is at his worst but this pregnancy has hit me so hard that I feel they are being neglected. It is normal for them that Daddy is in bed a lot but now Mummy is often lying in a heap too.

SGB it might come to that but it's not what I want to happen.

This is taking in sickness and in health to a whole new level.

I have long term depression and understand that feeling of not being able to do anything or being bothered about things but this has gone way beyond this.

Your best bet is to talk to his brother honestly about how he is. He might not know and if he has an idea a full conversation will have some effect. None of you can live like this anymore.

Once the children are in bed can you sit with him and start again? Try and talk about how he is feeling right now, what he would like things to be like and has he any ideas how he can achieve it.

You also need to tell him how his health and behaviour is impacting on the children he seems to love and you.

There was a programme on Radio 4 this morning about living with bipolar (here).

This is incredibly hard for you to cope with and you should take all the help you can get. Ask the MH charities listed above about help - they often have volunteers who can help or ask your Health Visitor/GP about a Home Start volunteer.

Don't take it all on yourself, it's too much.

Molly I think you should also copy in your OP when you email his psych. You desperately need some help and support and for someone to take this immense burden from you and say "It's okay, you can rest now. You don't have to be responsible for everything anymore"
So sad for you, please keep us posted and try and get some help from somewhere like mental heath services in your area. To be honest, it does sounds as though him being admitted might be the best thing for everyone involved, but I know it's easy to say that when I am not there in your shoes.
I so hope you find a solution soon.

How horrible for you. On a practical note, how much fun are any of you getting out of the dogs? Would you consider having them re-homed? I know from personal experience how much work & housework they take to maintain.

Would love to get rid of the dogs but DS and DD love them so much. If DH won't do it I am going to ask a friend's husband to repair their run to keep them out of the garden and then I'll clear up the shit and get someone in to resow the grass. Bugger the expense. I am really hopeful that DH will start walking them again if he realises how close I am to getting rid of them as he knows how heartbroken the kids, esp DD would be.

Maybe you read somewhere about 'lying in bed for hours' but it is usual for that to be sleeping! Depression makes some people unable to sleep (so they may need to rest) and some others have 'hypersomnia' - oversleeping. I'm still sleeping 12-14 hours a day; during the time I told you about, it was 20 hours. And that was asleep, not lying down awake. Sleep is part of the mind's self-maintenance mechanism. My shrink said to sleep as much as needed.

If H doesn't go out at all, it's a great idea to get him to walk the dogs ... or, maybe, just take them over the road or wherever they can poo safely. As I was aware of the need to walk outdoors every day, I made huge efforts - all the same, the most I could manage on my worst days was the 10 yards to the end of my street - in my pyjamas! (Couldn't manage washing, dressing and the walk, you see.)

I should have been in hospital - had there been a suitable place. The doc said I could be admitted, but described the available ward as "hardcore". I would have been sedated & surrounded by people with terrifying psychoses; home was better, even though I couldn't care for myself. I did, however, spend a month at the Priory which is a very 'healing' environment. Some NHS facilities are almost as good, I'm told. I'm sure it depends on funds and location.

I'm telling you all this to offer a first-hand perspective, not to try and influence you. I wouldn't have expected anybody to be able to live with me during that time! The fact that you & the children are with him surely does help a lot, but that's not to say you should IYSWIM. Please do chase all avenues of possible support. Respite for you is part of his welfare and I can't believe there is nothing available to you, though you may have to rope in expert help to get it.

I totally agree with cheerfulvicky about copying your OP to the psychiatrist. They can't have insight into a patient's daily life unless it is offered to them.

Please send your H my best wishes & a message: Impossible as it seems - it DOES get better. The sun DOES come out again, it IS worth muddling through this for the joys you WILL feel again. To help yourself - laugh. It helps regulate your neurotransmitters. Watch funny films, read funny books. Even a cynical sneer is ... the beginning of a laugh ;)

Hope you all get the help you need. xxx