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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trapped - very long (sorry but writing helps)

29 replies

mollybob · 16/02/2010 07:37

My DH (at the moment I very much want to drop the D) has bipolar. He has been ill for 3+ years - in and out of hospital, nearly committed suicide (had the noose in the garage and had tried it out for his weight but was writing his note when found) and remains ill. He used to be such a great guy - creative, musical, fit/exercise junkie. Now he spends 18 or so hours a day in bed or lying on the couch. He says he isn't depressed and his psychiatrist thinks he is getting better but he doesn't care about anything. He only washes when nagged seriously and doesn't care about the impact on me of living with a ghost who smells so bad at times he turns my stomach. We have 2 DCs - DS (11) and DD (8) and I'm 26 weeks pregnant with number 3 - probably another DD although scan wasn't completely clear on that. I do not want this baby at all but I did prior to the conception. He had started a masters course and was very positive when we stopped contraception. I always wanted more kids and was uber broody. I had a miscarriage this time last year and we were both devestated. He missed an assignment deadline a few days after my admission to hospital (miscarriage was complicated by infection in the placental tissue and I was pretty ill for the next few months). The university were not at all sympathetic and his mood crashed. This also coincided with my Dad being seriously ill and needing heart surgery. DH has very little family support and few friends - we moved nearer my family a year before he first became ill and although there have been tentative friendships he has no interest in maintaining these. He is close to his brother who is a short plane ride away. His DB is a good bloke if a bit scatty and lives with a slightly crazy woman since his own marriage ended. DBil is currently out of work with the recession. The only sign of life in DH is when he talks to his DB, is with the DCs or when he watches sport on TV.

I have tried so hard for years to make things better - I work 3 jobs and have saved us from losing our house - bought on the basis of both our incomes about 4 months before he stopped work with illness. I have funded all sorts of projects for him, bought him gifts to cheer him up, taken him on amazing holidays etc. I think one reason I wanted another baby was the hope that a DS2 would be more into the same stuff as him and would give him something to live for. (DS is a computer geek and DH loves rugby and football) I know now how crazy that sounds (especially as this is probably a DD) I realise I have lived for years trying to find a way to keep him alive as parental suicide is a sure way to screw up my children big time. Unfortunately all the emphasis being on him is making me ill - especially as this pregnancy has been awful with hyperemesis since week 6 for which I am still on a cocktail of drugs. We hadn't really started trying again post miscarriage but were on holiday - forgot to pack the condoms and had sex one day in August and conceived. I was happy for a few days after my BFP but now just feel sad for this poor unwanted baby. I hope I will grow to love it when it's born and didn't bond with DD until I was off work before the birth so am hoping that will happen again.

I am getting increasingly down myself - at the state of the house mainly - it is disgustingly unhygienic and the garden which is full of dog shit (we have 2 dogs, he never walks them any more which used to be something he loved) The DCs cannot play in the garden as a result. I feel embarassed to have anyone around although my parents come most weeks for a few hours. I am so exhausted I cannot clean but I have a day off today so will attack the bathrooms even if it makes me sick.

He is not himself but may never be again and I do see that he feels he cannot do what I need/want (I think he's over sedated with all the drugs he's on actually) but a large part of me thinks it's also a way of punishing me - for making him move near my family (it was his idea but hasn't been a good thing for him) and for me being so successful in my career (more successful than I ever wanted but we need the money so I keep doing more and being lauded for being amazing) and for labelling him as mentally ill. He was so full of glee when I told him I was getting depressed yesterday - now I'm more sick than him. I had PND after DS.

I took my wedding ring off this morning - I'm not sleeping well and have up since 5 and that felt like a liberation but not a real solution - I am not leaving, he won't and has nowhere to go anyway (I have suggested he goes to visit his DB and hope he'll either not return or he'll realise what an arse he's being) and if I throw him out I believe the chances of him killing himself are very high. How could I explain to my DCs that they Dad is dead because he wouldn't clean the toilets? I know it's classic manipulation in a way - he never says this would happen but it still hangs over me as surely that would be the ultimate punishment for me. The only positive thing about him at the moment is he loves the DCs and cuddles them and tells them how much he loves them.

It came to a head for me when he bought me 12 red roses on Sunday - it just felt like such a lie.

I have posted some of this before but it helps to get it down. (Reading MN which I joined recently to help prepare for DC3 has made me realise how crap things are which is a double edged sword as there is no solution I can see. DH had all but convinced me that most people live lives of quiet desperation and I need to accept things and have lower expectations.)

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 16/02/2010 13:51

well ...maybe start with an ultimatum on the dogs - he walks them or they go.

because walking the dogs will get him out and exercise and will boost endrophins etc and help him.

kids will be heartbroken? well for a whie but maybe they can go to soneone locally. and they cans till see them. or get teh garden sorted yes.

you have to think about you because if you cannot cope then how will the dcs be?

dog is just one thing extra - i for sure nearly killed the hamster which nowexP ahd bought as it was one thing i really didnt need when he was in the throes of a major depresive episode, self harming, manic, clmbing walls, attacking me + my ds etcetc/

anyway i didnt -but the dogs are far more of responsibility.

so - having been in a not dissimilar situaiton and now moved on -

speak to the CMHT for sure, you can ask for a carers assessment for you as a carer and might be able to access support thru social services.

but - at the end of the day - he is an adult and responsible for himself.

like others said - it reached a point where i would have been relieved had he carried out his suicide threats - i began planning his funeral in my head. in the end - it would not be your fault - it would be his choice/the illness.

if he is not bad enough to be sectioned then it is down to him as an adult to tell the psych what is going on and to get the right therapy/meds/input. he is not your child and you cannot do anything, really.

talking when the kids are in bed - i doubt that will help.... talking wont but giving him straight specific messages might -

tell him you cannot cope with three children and him as he is. and the dogs besides! he has to get well, show some big effort,
if he isnt depressed then he can damn well get off his backside....

or he moves elsewhere for now. he can come visit the children.

if he threatens suicide, stay strong. so be it. it will be his puinishment of himself - not of you. you will bear no responsibility for him if he does it.

sounds harsh but is true. you have spoken to his psych, you have spoken to him. what more can you do?

nothing.

you are not responsible for his mental health - he is (and the NHS)

read back your op - "he doesnt care"
"DH had all but convinced me that most people live lives of quiet desperation and I need to accept things and have lower expectations" you have bought him gifts, arranged holidays etc etc.

i too did this - everyhting i did was to try and make him happy - even having three dcs - well first came out disabled and he wouldnt accept him, second a little wonky - finally third has no issues.. so he should have been happy right? he wasnt...

i would urge you to go to counselling to see how you really feel about the whole relationship and sort out for yourself what you get from him.
what have you ever had from him?
what do you get out of caring for him?
what chances are of him "recovering"? is him "recovered" fantastic? is he a fab guy but when depressed is the opposite?

i learned that myexP when "not depressed" wasnt a great guy either - controlling, charming at times yet but hugely manipulative... i had struggled all the time to get his approval...

but to get back to reality - you have two children and are pregnant. ]
realsitically you alone cannot deal with and care for a grown man who is bordering on suicide. you need practical, real, emotional help.

you can try acess it thru Ss as a carer for him. (but if he isnt depressed you wont get it will you??)
you can ask him to seek help for himself.
you can enlist his family.

"I have tried so hard for years to make things better" you cannot, not alone.
you need to focus on your needs and your dcs needs, including this baby - above his needs.

you will need support with this baby -especially given your ambivalence. that might be tough...

he is an adult. if he is unable to care for himself (cannot wash) he should be in a residential setting or at least attending a day unit.

if he can - but chooses not to - then that is different matter.

it is very hard. delaing with someone with these issues day to day is soul destroying. is only nearly three years down the line i can see more clearly - and how much dcs suffered because of his mood/illness. so much better apart.

p.s. he hasnt yet killed himself tho has informed me has had continued to self harm in past two years - because i left him...

his self harm before was because i was with him? makes no sense - but sometimes people with these issues dont always make sense. and by this i mean people who dont take repsonsibility for their mental illlness.

not people who have had MH issues and recognize them and seek help. and above all put others first. see the impact on their families.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/02/2010 17:06

Mollybob - am not syaing 'throw him out tomorrow' but you need to remember that you and the DC are as important as he is, and though it's awfully harsh, it's true that they might recover better or at least no worse, from his suicide than from living with his depression (a smelly, shambling, sleeping zombie who Mustn't Be Upset) for years on end. So there has to come a point where you refuse to look after this man and sacrifice your own and the DC's lives to his illness any longer.

mollybob · 16/02/2010 17:47

cestlavielife - thanks for sharing. My DH when well is lovely though - even my Mum adores him and it breaks her heart to see him like this.

He isn't ill enough for admission at the moment - local wards are shite anyway with no facilities and have no ethos for encouraging recovery - he needs exercise and music to get well and even though he wasn't sectioned they refused to let him go out for a daily run and said him playing the harmonica disturbed the other patients (who weren't bothered by the TV and PS2 blaring and the constant shouting and arguing about cigarettes). I have asked him about suicide and he denies being suicidal so I am clearly catastrophising about that but it is always in my mind. He has never self harmed apart from his suicide attempts and never says he will kill himself if I don't do a,b or c.

I had a nap this am after I was on here for about 2 hours and dreamt he was killed in a car accident by walking in front of a bus. I try to convince myself that I don't care but I woke up in an awful state.

Today has been a better day. He took the kids to the hairdressers and then DD to her best friend's house and while they were out I was trying to clean under the fridge. He mopped the kitchen floor last night but not under the fridge and in my mad pregnant nesting state I wanted it done. I thought I could do it when he was out and he wouldn't know but everything takes so long, thanks to bump. He didn't shout at me even though I had made more mess than I'd cleaned and been moving heavy furniture (he doesn't shout at me or the kids much at all - I am more of a shouter actually). He took over and cleaned it and has been scrubbing out the utility room which was dreadful thanks to the dogs. I cleaned the bathrooms which made me feel better and he made me lunch and is currently making tea and planning on doing pancakes with the DCs when DD gets home. He is making the effort but looks exhausted.

I talked to him about the dogs and he wants to keep them and has promised to start walking/running with them from tomorrow (for lent).

It's not all good but it's a chink of light and that is something. I need to make changes to stop feeling so damn responsible for him (that mostly comes from me actually - he is not demanding, mostly on black days he wants me to leave him alone - it's me that fusses around trying to make things better and I think some of that comes from me being in health care finding it hard that the one person I can't make better is the one person, apart from my DCs, who I love most). I need to be kinder to me and speak to consultant about practical help for our family and plans for DH to help him get better and recover as much as is possible. It just sucks.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 16/02/2010 22:46

sounds good - small steps - if you both focus on him taking dogs out each day i am sure that would be really positive .

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