well ...maybe start with an ultimatum on the dogs - he walks them or they go.
because walking the dogs will get him out and exercise and will boost endrophins etc and help him.
kids will be heartbroken? well for a whie but maybe they can go to soneone locally. and they cans till see them. or get teh garden sorted yes.
you have to think about you because if you cannot cope then how will the dcs be?
dog is just one thing extra - i for sure nearly killed the hamster which nowexP ahd bought as it was one thing i really didnt need when he was in the throes of a major depresive episode, self harming, manic, clmbing walls, attacking me + my ds etcetc/
anyway i didnt -but the dogs are far more of responsibility.
so - having been in a not dissimilar situaiton and now moved on -
speak to the CMHT for sure, you can ask for a carers assessment for you as a carer and might be able to access support thru social services.
but - at the end of the day - he is an adult and responsible for himself.
like others said - it reached a point where i would have been relieved had he carried out his suicide threats - i began planning his funeral in my head. in the end - it would not be your fault - it would be his choice/the illness.
if he is not bad enough to be sectioned then it is down to him as an adult to tell the psych what is going on and to get the right therapy/meds/input. he is not your child and you cannot do anything, really.
talking when the kids are in bed - i doubt that will help.... talking wont but giving him straight specific messages might -
tell him you cannot cope with three children and him as he is. and the dogs besides! he has to get well, show some big effort,
if he isnt depressed then he can damn well get off his backside....
or he moves elsewhere for now. he can come visit the children.
if he threatens suicide, stay strong. so be it. it will be his puinishment of himself - not of you. you will bear no responsibility for him if he does it.
sounds harsh but is true. you have spoken to his psych, you have spoken to him. what more can you do?
nothing.
you are not responsible for his mental health - he is (and the NHS)
read back your op - "he doesnt care"
"DH had all but convinced me that most people live lives of quiet desperation and I need to accept things and have lower expectations" you have bought him gifts, arranged holidays etc etc.
i too did this - everyhting i did was to try and make him happy - even having three dcs - well first came out disabled and he wouldnt accept him, second a little wonky - finally third has no issues.. so he should have been happy right? he wasnt...
i would urge you to go to counselling to see how you really feel about the whole relationship and sort out for yourself what you get from him.
what have you ever had from him?
what do you get out of caring for him?
what chances are of him "recovering"? is him "recovered" fantastic? is he a fab guy but when depressed is the opposite?
i learned that myexP when "not depressed" wasnt a great guy either - controlling, charming at times yet but hugely manipulative... i had struggled all the time to get his approval...
but to get back to reality - you have two children and are pregnant. ]
realsitically you alone cannot deal with and care for a grown man who is bordering on suicide. you need practical, real, emotional help.
you can try acess it thru Ss as a carer for him. (but if he isnt depressed you wont get it will you??)
you can ask him to seek help for himself.
you can enlist his family.
"I have tried so hard for years to make things better" you cannot, not alone.
you need to focus on your needs and your dcs needs, including this baby - above his needs.
you will need support with this baby -especially given your ambivalence. that might be tough...
he is an adult. if he is unable to care for himself (cannot wash) he should be in a residential setting or at least attending a day unit.
if he can - but chooses not to - then that is different matter.
it is very hard. delaing with someone with these issues day to day is soul destroying. is only nearly three years down the line i can see more clearly - and how much dcs suffered because of his mood/illness. so much better apart.
p.s. he hasnt yet killed himself tho has informed me has had continued to self harm in past two years - because i left him...
his self harm before was because i was with him? makes no sense - but sometimes people with these issues dont always make sense. and by this i mean people who dont take repsonsibility for their mental illlness.
not people who have had MH issues and recognize them and seek help. and above all put others first. see the impact on their families.