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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How will I react when I meet OW on night out?

39 replies

Sunshine2 · 15/02/2010 15:51

Dh kissed colleague at drunken night out before christmas. I found out. He is very sorry. We have been to relate & hopefully sorted through this issue though it is still on my mind all the time. We had no marriage probs prior to this.

He is her boss & has stopped going for drinks after work as she is always out. He says he has limited all conversations to work issues only.

Anyway I am to go on work night out soon and she will be there. I am sure she will say something to me. Obviously I will want to punch her but want to act like I am not bothered by the incident. I am dreading it but know it is important for me to be seen by dh's side.

What will I say if she aproaches me?

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 15/02/2010 15:54

Why do you think that she will say something?

Is she not likely to be embarrassed? Try to keep cool and not say anything, be polite to her.

Do the other team members know?

countingto10 · 15/02/2010 15:56

You need to discuss this with your DH, so you are both agreed on a course of action.

I trust you are going to look absolutely stunning, with new hair style, fresh manicure and an expensive new dress courtesy of DH .

Glad you are working through things.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 15/02/2010 15:58

Preserve dignity and keep the moral high ground is my advice.

Make it clear you know what happened and don't condone such behaviour, but stay calm and civil - that will probably make her feel more guilty about the episode than any amount of shouting or bitchy comments. If you act nasty, she'll feel justified. If you're nice, hopefully she'll feel terrible - if she has any conscience at all.

My thoughts, FWIW.

Good luck getting through it.

OrmRenewed · 15/02/2010 15:58

I suspect she will be embarrassed as you, if not more. Just smile a lot and treat her like everyone else.

JackSpratt · 15/02/2010 15:59

Slap her with a wet kipper..the harlot

posieparker · 15/02/2010 15:59

Why do you have to go? Can you both decline? It just seems like enough time has not passed.

Original poster
Sunshine2 · 15/02/2010 16:00

Dh assures me noone knows as she is married too. From what I have heard she will say something. She told my dh at the time of the kiss that they had done nothing wrong- was just a kiss goodnight! She said I was to phone her if I was concerned!! Dh says she is always asking why he doesn't go for drinks anymore. I think she will definitely say something to me to make light of it all. I view her with great suspicion & know she has an unhappy marriage ( with obviously poor morals)

OP posts:
AccioPinotGrigio · 15/02/2010 16:01

She must be bricking it surely?

You've done nothing wrong so can keep your head high. Just smile politely and have a good time.

JackSpratt · 15/02/2010 16:03

Have you met her before?

If not a sly laugh and a chortle at your h .."omg you must have been drunk to kiss ..THAT" should shut her up.

AccioPinotGrigio · 15/02/2010 16:05

x-posted. Crumbs. She may well say something then.

If you know what she is likely to say, spend some time preparing an appropriate polite and intelligent response and then try and enjoy the evening.

countingto10 · 15/02/2010 16:06

When OW phoned me to discuss things (DH was currently staying with her) I just said "Why would I want to talk to you, I have nothing to say to you" and hung up. Maybe you could do the same and then walk off. But please discuss with your DH any senario (as he is her boss) - you need a united front. She cannot/must not see any chink in your togetherness if you see what I mean.

JackSpratt · 15/02/2010 16:07

Make a play for HER husband

Original poster
Sunshine2 · 15/02/2010 16:07

She is not embarrassed in the slighted- quite brazen it seems.

I want to appear strong as a couple- obviously will be spending extra time getting ready so can look good.

Saw her on fb & she is attractive & younger than me.

I know dh will stand at my side but I hope I am not a bag of nerves- don't want her to spot that. My the time I get there they will already have had a few drinks & I will arrive self conscious & sober!

OP posts:
Quintessential12belowZero · 15/02/2010 16:07

I think the best thing to say would just be to cut her off and say "look, everybody can make mistakes, even my husband when he has had enough drink, he is past it, as am I, shame you are not able to just let it go and chalk it down to experience." Then make your excuse and walk off.

JackSpratt · 15/02/2010 16:10

I wouldn't bother going on the work night out..they're only fun if you're roaringly drunk and thats probably not a great idea (unless you really want to borrow my kipper)

harimosmummy · 15/02/2010 16:13

Have a few drinks before you get there - but stick to 'softies' when you are there.

Act like her mother. Pat her shoulder... look pitifully at her.... Tell her that you would like to know what she would have said to you had you phoned (this has the added benefit of making sure she knows you and your DH speak)... When she squirms, ask her again. Look earnestly at her. Then say 'well, I wasn't bothered about you, that's why I didn't call', Turn on your heels and walk away. Perhaps wink at her, or hug her and tell her thankyou.

And tell your DH that you will puree his balls if he goes near her again

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/02/2010 16:14

Hello again Sunshine! Glad you're going to that function. You need to present a united front - and don't be afraid to ask your DH for help with this.

If she says nothing, be polite, smiley and civil in her company. If she does say something, tell her that this incident has brought you and your DH closer than ever. That he has analysed his own behaviour and your marriage is stronger for that. Say that you have often wondered whether she looked inwards too and whether this had made her look at her relationship too, but that it isn't really your concern, you can only rejoice in the fact that you two are happier than you've ever been.

If you read "Not Just Friends" you will have seen that the impression you need to create is of a wall around you, that no-one -however hard they try - can permeate. Your DH needs to be extremely loving and attentive at this function - but with any luck, the counselling you have been undertaking [do hope you are still going) will mean that him being like that towards you is instinctive now - and not an act he might have to pull of for the duration of this function.

Original poster
Sunshine2 · 15/02/2010 16:16

Would love a lend of your kipper!

Really feel I should go this time. Dh has not attended any nights out since December. I really want to protray a united front.

We have never met before & want to show her we are strong as a couple

OP posts:
JackSpratt · 15/02/2010 16:18

Fair do's

Good luck !

MmeLindt · 15/02/2010 16:18

Quint has a good suggestion.

Whatever you do, do not have more than one glass of wine. Make it last the whole evening. Do not let her upset you, sounds like she would enjoy that.

Original poster
Sunshine2 · 15/02/2010 16:27

Thanks everyone- you are making me feel strong.

WWIFN- read the book & screamed- yes, yes at most chapters- it was wonderfully insightful. I have no doubt if I hadn't found out about the kiss, things would have progressed.

Dh assures me he is only civil to her at work. She did text him recently at night about silly work comment. He didn't reply but there was no need for it. I really feel she is not letting go. Obviously. I am suspicious dh is as dry with her as he makes out.

Relate was good but we stopped now as we felt there was nothing more to talk about. We found it hugely helpful and helped us revaluate our relationship. Things are really good between us & we both feel we have been given a wake up call.

This is why I choose to take thing next step & go to the night out

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 15/02/2010 16:53

You're all far too dignified for my liking

Personally, in your position, if she talked to me, I'd probably just blankly look at her for a few seconds, turn on my heels and walk away to find DH and grab his arse/give him a kiss in full view of the trollop.

You'll be fine. DH is going on the night out with you on his arm, not her. You're stronger than ever. Have a good time, and give her as little head space as possible.

HellBent · 15/02/2010 17:07

Jack I'd probably want to do the same as you but wouldn't have the guts! undignified emoticon

I was out with my 2 sisters one night and recognised a woman who told my mum she'd had an affair with my dad around 8 years before. I would've been 13-14, and sis 12-13.

I don't know if the actual affair happened or not that is mum/dad's business but the night ended with me dragging other sis off her and being thrown out of a club, it was not my finest hour, and you do not want to end up looking like that!

mrsboogie · 15/02/2010 17:41

I think you should just smirk at her. smirk, smirk, smirk.

You could also give her a little look up and down and give a little smirky shake of your head.

Very annoying for her but retains your dignity.

Also you should have a killer put down ready so you don't get caught off guard if she does say something.

Keep a smile on your face all night - she will be watching you. Be all touchy feely with your DH, stay sober and don't get mad no matter what happens.

Lymond · 15/02/2010 17:52

She sounds shameless, so you need to put out of your head any idea that you'll be able to shame her or make her feel guilty.

I would ignore, and if she brings it up, give her an icy look and continue to ignore her.