I feel mil is competing with me for dh's attention

[hormonalmum]

I need some advice. Let me begin by saying I am pg, so more hormonal than normal.
Mil is early 60's - dresses young, recently retired and has no money worries. Split with fil around 30 years ago and has had many partners in that time.
Since I have been with dh, she has had 1 semi-serious partner, but noone for the last few years.

Mil is constantly phoning dh (3 - 4 times a week that I am aware of) and texting him. (daily)
Usually late at night or at kids teatime and or bedtime. I get fed up with this and often have to ask him to end the call and call later when things have calmed down.

She asks him (and me) what he bought me for my birthday or valentines etc.
Last year for dh's birthday she had asked me what I had bought him (some t shirts) so she then went and bought him some designer t shirts. I was not bothered about it at the time and dh couldnt have cared less but I just feel she tries to undermine me, both as a mother and as a wife.
At our wedding, mil wore a very revealing low cut top and sat closer to dh at the top table that I did (the photos are hilarious)
She asks about how much we earn and expects grand gifts for her and her other 2 sons.

I feel mil is jealous of dh and I's relationship. She enjoys playing happy families with him and our children - ie without me around or likes going to the pub with dh alone.
She is not great as a grandmother as she tends to focus her attention on dh. Eg, after the christening of our son, dh went with his mum to the pub and left me and our lo's to go home.
He is the middle of 3 boys and quite obviously is the favourite. The other sons do not have wifes / partners, so do not know if I am being paranoid.

I have tried to speak to dh about this but I think he feels a little bad that his mum does not see the kids as much as he moved away from his home town as soon as he could!(I havent tried to explain she isnt that bothered about our kids, want him to see it for himself)
When he is around mil, he does some silly things- for example, will walk in road with the pram or not hold lo's hands.
I constantly feel like I am the one who is nagging him about the safety of our children when surely it should be only natural.
It feels like I am constantly having a go at his mother, but when she is not around he is much more considerate and thoughtful.

When I was in labour with both our dd and ds, dh and mil were sending text messages to each other which I found annoying. When ds was 10 mins old, dh rang his mother to tell her and my feelings could not have mattered. (struggling with placenta delivery)
This time, I dont plan to tell dh when I go into labour if he is at work as I do not want the texting and phone calls to happen. I know this sounds rather extreme, but surely my feelings are more important than anyone elses.

When mil is around, he doesnt tend to say I love you and focuses his attention on her.

I just feel that I am second best, rightly or wrongly and it is getting me down. (feeling like a glorified baby maker for her and dh to play happy families with!)

Anyone got any similar experience? What to do?

Well my MIL likes to be the centre of attention.....but this lady well and truly takes the biscuit, dunks it in your tea and leaves you the crumbs.

I don't know what to advise - it sounds like she's got some bad psychological problem.

She needs to get a life of her own.

And your husband needs to stop enabling her behaviour.

He is not a mind reader and unless you tell him exactly what you've put here and what you need to happen then nothing will change.

I have told him as I say it feels like I am constantly having a go about her to him. Nobody wants to hear their partner go on constantly about how "bad" their mother is.

On the other hand, there is a wedge being drawn between us and I want to put a stop to it once and for all.

I have told him I need to feel the most important person on numerous occassions before and when she is not around I do feel like I am.

She was not the best mother when dh and brothers were young - she once said to me dh would be having the best birthday cos I bought him presents, made him a cake and we had dd (as it was the first birthday that dh had had since dd was born) Mil never celebrated birthdays for her children - ie held parties etc) - now mil always wants to be here when it is dh's birthday.

Maybe she wants to make up for the time she lost when dh was small, but I feel it is about being queen bee.

Funnily enough my mil was similar.

I never could deal with it cos dh always saw her side,we lived next door to her so she would bang on the wall when she wanted him and id be sat there heavily pregnant and alone whilst i could hear him and his mum laughing next door.

Whilst i was pregnant and still at work she and dh would go around together and id seen an outfit in a designer baby shop i wanted to buy and we planned to go one weekend he told her and they went in the week bought the outfit and so there was no point going again.

She didnt like me she didnt want me she wanted my dh and our son - i was in the way,realising this I just gave up trying and got on with my life.
She then became v ill with cancer and we nursed her at home one day she said to dh nickschick is ok isnt she,i didnt realise she was so nice.....dfil (who i get on v well with )said - shes not the one whose changed she always has been the same.

It scares me to think im going to be a mil to potentially 3 different girls and i hope we get on better.

She sounds alright to me. It sounds like the issue (if there is one) is between you and your dh tbh.

I don't think phone calls 3/4 times a week is excessive - I'd hate to this I was on rations for speaking to ds when he's married.

Having said that, she's obviously pretty insensitive - and I know what you mean about dh always being No. 1 - even over grandchildren. I used to find that pretty galling.

You need to talk to your dh honestly about how you feel.

If it's any consolation, after many years, MIL and I rub along together nicely!

Nickschick - I do feel I am in the way as you did. I am in danger of pushing him away though and I do not want to do that. I know I am closing myself off from him more and more and the wedge between us is getting bigger.
Dh now starting to take children to see his mum and leave me at home - so everyone happy but me.

Maybe the problem is between dh and I but what can be done about that? I am the one who is feeling second best and surely that is not correct. She is is mum, not his wife and mother of his children.
I have tried to speak to him about how I feel and I end up being the one who is the "baddy".

with all due respect, you should be furious with your DH !! he went off after the christening of your child, to the pub with his mum!! she's stupid for askin ghim to go, he's even more stupid for going

as for the daily texts and calls, not a problem, as long as it does not happen at bath/bed time - he can simply say he'll call back

as for calling his mum 10 minutes post delivery when you were in difficulties, again, that is his behaviour at fault

there's no reason for him to tell you he loves you when MIL is there, so that one is not important imo

they are both behaving inapporpriately, but he is more at fault IMO, based on what you have said here

the main problem is that you and your DH can't resolve this by talking about it.

don't itemise the wrong doings but discuss how you're feeling and what he could do to help you feel better about things.

Lulamama - yeah maybe you are right. Maybe dh is more to blame than I thought.
I have told dh before that I feel his priorities do not lie with his children but his mother - he says not. Yet his behaviour suggests otherwise.
For example, the phone calls at bed / bath time. I have to remind him to get back on with what he / we were doing rather than him stopping the call at the outset with "just abit busy, will ring back"
The thing about saying he loves me - is if he is at home with her and I am on the phone at work for example, he doesnt tell me he loves me, like he normally does. I might get "take care" like I am his mate or something.

actions speak louder than words

you need to sit down and have a serious conversation but treading carefully so as not to make him think you are criticising his mother

what about, ' i really appreciate you have a close relationship with your mum, it's great you speak every day, but do you think you could speak to her after bed /bath time, so you can have a nice chat with her withouth being disturbed?'

the pub after the christening thing has really shocked me

she is insecure about her importance in the family.

he is clearly insecure about his mother's love for him or he would feel able to say 'sorry mum i'm busy abd will call you later'. he must worry that that would have ramifications.

you are insecure about your DH's love for you.

that's alot of insecurity.

Smother her with love
Make your DH phone her more for example
Reverse psychology is the way and if it fails at least
everyone feels loved

DR beat me to it.

Start spending time with her in your own right. Girlie lunches with the babies, shopping, coffee and cake. Who knows she might turn out to be great company when DH isn't around. She is always going to love him more than you but it doesn't mean you can't try and be friends together.

You also need to tell your DH he isn't 5 and is an adult with children of his own and he doesn't have to act like a child around mummy.

i don't get all that no 1 role stuff.

of course his priority should be his wife and kids but it's not a competition.

i don't have boys but i would hope that if i did my DIL wouldn't feel threatened by a close mother/son bond.

fair do's she over egging the pudding but that's his fault for not laying down some firmer boundaries.

i think the OP is responding immaturely to the situation. she doesn't sound evil, just overbearing. he sounds wimpy.

i think more communication and a more relaxed outlook could solve this situation.

I can't really see what she has done that wrong, other than be slightly annoying.

I have seen women on here say that they phone their mums every day , should we expect men to speak to their mums only once a week? It is up to him to say if the time is not convenient,

Also how can your MIL be blamed for your DH being careless with the kids?

Lots of men would not say 'I love you' in front of their mums...or indeed anyone.

Hi,

Both of them are behaving inappropriately here but your DH has been conditioned by his Mum over the years to act like this towards her. He is probably stil her "favourite" son but of course being her "favourite" is not without cost, a cost which you as his wife are also paying.

I wonder how his other two brothers get along with their Mum; my guess is that avoid this woman as much as possible.

Am not excusing your DH's part in this dysfunction at all (and he certainly has come from a dysfunctional family with such a woman being at the helm) by the way but a lifetime of conditioning is going to be very hard for him to alter. He does not really know how to set boundaries because he was never really taught this by his mother.
He must reestablish boundaries between himself and his Mum otherwise this thorny issue will continue to cause you and by turn him more problems.

You may want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward. That may help you address this more with him.

I agree you need to talk to him about this. I think you maybe need to tell her less as well, like being vague about presents, finance etc. Usually presents are exchanged of equal value anyway. Sounds odd to expect to receive a higher value present than you give unless you're a child.
I wouldn't expect my husband to tell me he loved me if with other people. If I insisted my bloke would just think I was trying to control and humiliate him.
Saying I love you should be a private thing, not an automatic end to a phone call. I think you need to chill out over that and give the guy some autonomy.
If the early evening calls are annoying (we call people back if they phone whilst we are busy) then discuss it with him and he can discuss an appropriate time for his mum to phone.
I agree she sounds irritating and needy but she isn't in a competition with you, and you risk alienating him by trying to be as controlling as her.
I presume your husband is still very young.

I would have banned the mobile phone from the delivery room and insisted he left it at home.

She haqsnt really done anything wrong, apart from accept all the attention her son gives her. Your DH on the other hand is being out of order. Its him you need to talk to and insist he pays more respect to you and the DCs

Hmmm, similar situation here with DH and his Dad. However, I've had to come to terms with the fact that DH is not all mine, I have to share him. I think that you maybe need to consider this as well. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear, but accepting this fact has taken away all that 'who is number one?' crap.

I have simular issues with my MIL who has 3 boys and I feel can't relate to other females coming into her family of her boys as she has always been the sole focus in her boys life and probably feels like shes now losing them so unintentionally grabs those mother strings tighter which then cause problems in the childs relationship hence turning into a tug of war......argh i feel for you.
DH is the oldest and most wise son,hard working now,would put dinner on stoveafter school before mum got home,clean the house(yes i know hes a keeper),middle son is MIL favourite and the most troublesome,loss of licence,drugs, can do no wrong etc... and youngest son just milks it living at home at 28,no licence,works and spends all his time at the pub gambling and getting chaperoned by MIL for lifts(which is her choice i know).
DH is always trying to please her even when she has caused massive amounts of rifts between I & DH, shes rude to me and will tell me things DH has spoken to her in private to which she will use against me as not being a good wife,suttle digs the list goes on......

My advice is talk to your DH about your concerns especially the noticed change of attitude,my DH was also the same and would become very hostile towards me,nit picking on anything i did around the house after being in her company, try to get him to keep contact with his mum at better times during the day and maybe get him to limit the amount of phone calls a day like not answering the phone after 4pm due to family time etc.
DH & I only visit together now as a family and he very rarely goes over on his own now we have made some boundaries regarding contact and she is welcome to our house but has never bothered much to come to ours it was always DH having to visit her.
Good luck as i know how frustrating it can be.

get an answer machine and have a rule that no-one answers the phone during bath/bed time.

I have been in a similar situation with my MIL. She basically was used to 100% attention from FIL and DH whenever she wanted. When I came into DH's life, she couldn't stand me having some of DH's attention and would create situations in which to get 100% attention again. She would go into childish sulks for days on end until DH would spend hours with her trying to get her to tell him what was wrong!

MIL was nasty to me, would ignore me one minute and be my best friend the next. She did everything in her power to get rid of me fortunately this backfired and unfortunately she ended up pushing DH away and he hasn't had anything to do with his parents for nearly 3 years.

Had DH put his foot down and set boundaries right from the beginning then we possibly could have avoided the huge fallout. However, it is like Atilla says, DH had been conditioned all his life and to be honest he didn't realise what was going on and he certainly didn't know how to stand up to his mother. MIL's controlling and manipulative behaviour was all he had ever known and I suspect he was as reluctant to cut the apron strings as MIL was.

Hormonalmum I really think your first port of call is to have a serious chat with DH about his mum. Try not to make it too much about MIL (this will get his back up) as really he needs to change his behaviour. Tell him that you feel second best and that you know how much his mum means to him but it would mean so much to you if you were included more. Tell him how much it hurts you when you are excluded. There's certainly no reason why he can't ask his mum to phone at more convenient times of the day.

Is it possible that because this is the way he has been brought up that he doesn't realise how it is affecting you?

Also does MIL tend to make less demands on DH when she has a partner in her life?