Can't bear my overbearing parents.

[ivent]

I wrote about this before a few years back. Got supportive replies about toxic parents .. the usual suspects ... and go seek counselling. Then I took a step back because I felt guilty about slagging my parents off so much. But I took the advice to see a counsellor. But I couldn't see through it, and after about 6 sessions, I stopped. It really wasn't me, and as much as the counselling would perhaps help in the long run, it made me feel even worse, about myself, my parents and the whole relationship ... and also, it made me think more about my whole relationship with my parents when really, I just want to block it out.

I just want to say first, I'm not a bad person. I have healthy relationships with everybody else. I am fun to be with, and I am generally a loyal, thoughtful and generous person. I listen. I will try my best to help anyone to the best of my abilities. I have good friends around me, so I must be doing something right. So I must be a good friend to my friends.

But away from my everyday life, and back to my parents/family, I become awful. I lose my temper at my parents, together and individually. They drive me up the wall. They irritate me to high heavens. I behave like an insane women, screaming, pulling haris and shouting at them. They exasperate me.

They haven't abused me, emotionally or physically. I did get caned as form of discipline when I was young, but that's really common from where I come from, so really, no unresolved issues there. My parents have been nothing but kind and loving to me. Perhaps even too kind and loving, and I feel suffocated by that.

I know I'll get flamed for this. I read all these threads about abuse and I feel like I should be grateful for my parents. But somehow I don't feel it.

Everytime I speak to them, I end up feeling so angry and so shit about myself. I feel like a child all over again. And I probably reinforce it by reacting like one to them all the time. I just wish they would back off and let me live my life. It really gets too much. It's as if they want to carry my burdens for me, and solve my problems for me. They're constantly telling me what to do. They think it's fine because it's out of love. But it drives me absolutely crazy.

I am ranting now, because I just got off the phone with my mum. She rang to know if I decided to replace an employee. And that she would like to give that employee a present. I can hear you all thinking already ... 'but that's so kind and thoughtful' ... but she wants to do it, not because of any affinity towards that employee, but just because she is my mum, and to a large extent, she feels responsible for me, doesn't trust that I will do the right thing. So she has to do the right thing for me. Does that make sense?

And a lot of other times too, where she takes it upon herself to sort things out for me. When I have not asked her to. Then when I feel annoyed that she has yet again, interfered .. I get the usual 'you're so ungrateful' reactions. She recently lost sleep (literally) over the way my DD wrote her alphabets (from bottom to top, rather than top to bottom). I mean, FFS, it gets rectified in time (DD is 5) and why would it trouble her so much that she would lose sleep over it. And even if it was a problem, isn't it my worry to bear? Not her's?

And for eg, when ever they visit us, they have to pay for everything. We can never get our way around paying for anything else. We've tried, believe me, we've tried so hard .. and even when we pay in secret, they find a way to return it to us. And when we visit them, they pay again. It happens so often that it really gets so ridiculous. My DH just feels awkward and I just get angry that they're treating us like children again. And yes, most of you will say, how lovely, I wish I have parents who insist on paying for me. But it's all the time.

I know they are not serious issues like emotional, physical abuse .. but it happens a lot and I am a grown responsible person, a mum of 2 and I know it's a common issue, but I'm just feeling so worn out about it now. Imagine, if the average scale of 'parents trying to take control' that a person faces on a average level is 3, I'm getting it like a scale of 8-10, and constantly, all the time.

And I hate myself for not being able to take it anymore. But I feel like I hate them even more. I really do.

And I know, you're all going to say I'm ungrateful. but I need to rant. It's affecting my relationship with my own DCs. It's pulling me down and it's not fair on my DCs. I just need to rant.

Oh dear, sorry it's so long.

ivent - I'm not sure what to say, simply because by far the best and most effective approach I can suggest is counselling.

One thing strikes me more than anything in your post: you say that you want to "block out" the relationship with your parents - and yet you go on to say that you are probably being irrational and that you should be grateful to them.

If you have to block something out, there's something there that is crying out for your attention. I for one do not think you are being ungrateful - your justifications, apologies in advance, your bracing yourself for the backlash: all of these are indicative of someone who has, indeed, been subjected to some form of mistreatment.

Your parents' behaviour sounds dysfunctional, manipulative, and speaks to an utter disregard for you as an individual. Violating boundaries in the way you describe, with no sense of your being a person in your own right, with your own rights to privacy, is abuse. No two ways about it. It. Is. Abuse.

You've said counselling is not for you; but all I can say is that, when you find the right counsellor for you, you feel safe enough to face the things you are currently trying to block out. There is no easy way to do this. It is going to be difficult, painful, and it can be frightening. A good counsellor knows this, and is there to accompany you and help you.

Really, give counselling another go. I cannot see another way out for you. You are where you are when you first posted a few years back. Where do you want to be in a few years' time? Because by doing nothing, this is where you'll stay.

I don't mean to come across harshly, but sometimes it's a push that's needed, not sympathy. I hope you find some peace of mind.

You sound as if you are feeling very suffocated by your parents.

I know how you feel to some extent, though not quite as bad. My mother, I'm sure thinks I'm stupid and would never cope without her. In the past when she has gone on holidays she has said "look after DC's whilst I'm away" WTF? I look after them every day of my life. She also said to me just after Christmas "make sure you get DC's to send their thank you cards", she had even bought DC's some thank you cards for Christmas because I'm obviously incapable of doing this (I have a drawer full of thank you cards and other cards for such occasions). These are obviously just two examples of many but it is very smothering. I'm continually wondering why my mother treats me as if I'm totally incapable of anything and can't think for myself.

Like you say it's very draining. My way of dealing with it is to ignore her comments and just have a good moan about it to DH. Unfortunately for you the situation is much worse and I really don't know what to suggest. Hopefully someone will be able to give you some great advice on how to handle this situation.

Your parents have done a total number on you. I can assure that caning by parents is TOTALLY unacceptable and disfunctional and is clearly physical abuse. The only person who can tell them to back off is YOU. Counselling/Therapy would help you to do that.

I agree with WhatNoLunchBreak you need to find a counsellor/therapist that is right for you.

I also am trying not to be harsh but helpful. Blocking is USELESS.

Who not that!!!!

Let . it . Go.

They want to pay> So what, let them. She wants to buy a present? So what-let her.

You will make yourself sadder and more angry if you try and change them. You can't. Let it wash over you.

Relinquish YOUR control of the situation, because thats essentially what it is, a battle of control between you and them.

Keep control over things you can control your life, your marriage, your children.

they may find it hard to relate on an emotional level, so 'helping' financially is the only way they can reach out.

Stop second guessing their motives, think about their failings and feel sorry how thats the only way they can show they care.

you're not being unreasonable.

My dad does this, although not to the same extent, and it is very draining. I have resorted to constant childish sarcasm. And it works.

Repeat to them and yourself "I am an adult woman and I am going to make decisions that you may or may not like. I am going to make them anyway. You are entitled to live your life. I don't try to live your life for you, and you are not entitled to live my life for me. I hope you understand."

By sarcasm, I mean my dad will say something like "Just make sure they go to bed at a decent hour"

And I will roll my eyes and snap my fingures and exclaim "Well, that must be why they are always so tired and mopy! It's because I keep them up until one o clock in the morning! Funny, in all my 30 years on this Earth, and in 7 years as a parent, it has not occurred to me to put them to bed at 8 pm. After all, it's not as if I had a pair of perfectly adequate parents to learn from my whole life, and the intellectual wherewithall to observe cause and effect as applies to my own small children, which I conceived, carried and raised...."

How about taking any money that your parents insist on giving back to you (which I disagree with Cyb is a form of showing they care - well, far from a straightforward one anyway), and putting it in a counselling fund?

That way, there is the potential for transforming a dysfunctional transaction into one that is mutually beneficial: your parents are able to continue what they're doing, game or not; and you can start to see what they give you as a source of empowerment, rather than something that disempowers you and keeps you where you are.

Just a thought.

ivent
I am so sorry to read your thread and I feel for you . I agree with what Nolunchbreak ; and what you are feeling is real and I don't believe wil go away just because you want it to - you do need some support with it.. They do sound totally suffocating and could plague you for teh rest of your life - so take Whatno's advice and try another counsellor to move you on. I'm sure it will help. I wish you all the luck in the world

It sounds as if your mother certainly takes too much on.

Are you really sure it´s because she thinks you can´t do it?

I think then you have to cut back on what you tell her so that she can´t keep doing things.

As for the paying-that´s a hard one isn´t it?
But why do you see it as being treated as a child?

Firstly I have to say thank you all for taking the trouble, not only to reply, but also, to be so kind to let me know you can relate to how I feel. Seriously, I know I'm sounding really dramatic here .. but I am grateful. I was expecting a real flaming. And also, the last time I wrote about my parents, although the responses were supportive, they were very drastic too, like 'cut them off' and 'you're better off without them' .. which as much as I think so too, I really can't do that. Too drastic. It would hurt too many people, and not be fair on my DCs. So I am grateful for all your very useful suggestions! And basically letting me rant like mad.

Again, about counselling, it forced me to remember events that made me sad, angry, etc .. all over again. It made me an unpleasant person to be around with. And as much as I understand that I need to confront those issues to move forward, I felt I was digging up the past. And really, just making me more angry and hurt all over again.

Like WhatNoLunchBr said, they have utter disregard for me as an individual. They know, they know so well that I am very independent and that I am not like them, and I've reacted so negatively over their previous and constant attempts to 'save the day' (as what I call their actions) .. but yet they still continue. And that is what gets me all the time, try as I might to ignore them. But sooner or later, I lose it and it all comes out in one big explosion.

So I recognise too, that I have to correct my behaviour. Obviously, it's counteracting my intentions. And I guess perhaps that's where counselling comes in.

Having said that, I relocated last year to a country of different language, so let alone, counselling. It is not an option for me at the mo. How convenient for me eh!
But really, this (MN) to me is as much counselling as I can get while I'm here. I will promise to look into it again when I move back in a few years time.

I do have to admit, it's scary .. I've never admitted it out loud before, but at the same time, I've recognised too, that these dark thoughts occur to me more and more often these days .. that should my parents pass away one of these days, I would feel more relieve than grief. It's such a despicable thought and I am ashamed of it. But it will free me to be me, and to be me without any guilt, and to be the mother I want myself to be. Does that make sense?

Diddl, I don't tell them anything. It's for that very reason. I've stopped sharing anything with them a long time ago. Also because we have very different wavelengths.

Do they really have no regard for you or do they genuinely think that you are busy & that they are being helpful?

Do you have any siblings to get their perspective?

I ask because for different reasons my own parents drive me to feel like this sometimes.

I am an only child and brood on it all very much, because I haven't got anyone else to sound out. And it's that that makes it worse. I could really use someone else that grew up in my family who knows the dynamics and to confirm that no it's not just me; not just my take on it.

I don't blow up at my parents though. Sometimes I feel I will explode but I try and keep a lid on it. Our family don't take arguments well at all and they lead to long periods of no-one talking, so you don't dare to have your say in the first place. So we do the passive aggressive thing which can be just awful.

I mentally try to 'put it away' (not good I know), too much to plough through and too difficult to actually articulate exactly what it is that's pressing the buttons. But it's there.

From what you say I don't think you hate your parents. But you sound completely at the end of your tether. Exasperated.

I'm not much help. I don't think I'd have the courage to do the counselling route either although I have considered it. I'd feel..disloyal, I suppose.

I'm not surprised you feel so angry. Your parents are taking away your right to be an adult. I expect they regard your outbursts as adolescent tantrums. Which perhaps in a sense, they are. Sounds like you and your parents are stuck in a bit of a time warp. They treat you like a teenager, which makes you feel like one instead of the independent adult you really are.

Have you thought about laying it out to them in a letter, seeing as your attempts to discuss it tend to break down? If you do try that, here's some advice: write the first draft, but don't send it. Sleep on it, then rewrite it in a positive way, resisting the temptation to rant. Explain that you love them and appreciate that this is their way of showing they care for you, but you need them to stop seeing you as their little girl and start treating you as a grown up etc.

HTH

It sounds like really hard work. I'm intrigued by the way you stress that you have not experienced abuse and that you will (deserve to?) to be flamed.

Some links to look at are here, here
and here. Then they can flame me!

"I am ranting now, because I just got off the phone with my mum. She rang to know if I decided to replace an employee. And that she would like to give that employee a present. I can hear you all thinking already ... 'but that's so kind and thoughtful' ..."

No actually, what I'm thinking is: how totally weird! (Thanks Mumsnet for adding the confused face , I needed that!) Maybe if the employee was a friend of your mother's it would make sense, but in any other scenario it's so far off the wall it's halfway to another planet. If you are responsible enough to be a manager then you certainly don't need your mum to tell you how to do the job - and wouldn't an employer think it was a bit strange if you did? If it's your own company, she still should butt out of your decisions otherwise she's undermining your authority. No wonder you thrash about in helpless rage.

"Then I took a step back because I felt guilty about slagging my parents off so much."

OP: Why is telling a counsellor (who is there to help YOU) about what your parents are like, slagging them off? I think that if you tell your counsellor (if you can manage it) in a calm way about your parents, you can't be slagging them off....

FWIW: I was caned as punishment when I was a child. My parents were products of their times. Now I'm a parent, I do things my way.

My DS's gran was a woman who just could not back off and treat her son as an adult. She was into everything. As I was living with him and had his child, it well and truly got my back up. Maybe it's a cultural thing? I don't know....

But not to give you a flaming, at all. It's frustrating and disappointing when your parents don't treat you as an adult.

Thanks everyone for your response. Queenofwhatever, thank you for those links. They are most useful!!! I never knew such sites existed, and they are very much up-my-street.

I guess I thought I'd get flamed because, when I got introduced to join the 'stately homes' thread, I read those threads and thought, hey, my issues with my parents are lightweight, compared with what's going on in those threads. My parents do love me and want the best for me, they really do. I will say a lot of things about them, but that's one thing I cannot deny. It's just the way they show it.

And I am not blameless too. I really do have tantrums and rages, so childlike and so silly, that I do give them reason to believe that they have to treat me like a child. But my behaviour only applies with them, around them, and about them. Everything else in my normal everyday life is normal, responsible like any one else.

Like LemonyLemon said, to a certain extent, its cultural. But then again, my friends from back home do not have the same issues as me.

Like someone suggested previously, I have to take back the control. I cannot change them, but I will change the way I am with them. I like Coldtits mantra. I'm going to adopt it, and have it with me all the time, so I can whip it out whenever they ring.

Just to list a few more incidents ... (memories are crashing back!!) ..

My mother once wanted to return some money to my brother, but knowing that he wouldn't accept it, she used the spare keys to his apartment (he gave a spare set to them for emergency), went through his things when he wasn't home, took his bankbook and deposited the money into his bank account.

(I wrote about it again on MN when it happened, and the type of responses were, 'how sweet of your mum, I wish I had someone who would give me money...' so again, I guess that's why I thought I was BU and would get flamed here.)

My ex-boss once ran a simple errand for me (dropped something off at my parents' home as it was on the way to her home). That was it. A week later, my mum showed up at her home with a dish in hand (to say thank you to her). Without my knowledge. How embarrassing was that!! Luckily for me, my boss and I got on really well, and she was all understanding about it. I was sooo embarrassed and my mum couldn't, for the life of her, understand why it was embarrassing. To me, it look liked a bit of curry-favour on my part. And worse when the colleagues got to hear about it.

When DH and I got married, DH's family were here for the wedding/holiday. While DH and I were on honeymoon, my BIL and SIL stayed on in our flat as part of their extended holiday. My parents took them out for a meal. I'm sure my BIL/SIL felt obliged to meet them. I bet they wanted to explore places and do their own things, but because my parents rang our flat and asked them to meet up for lunch, they obviously had no choice. And it wasn't like they all knew each other so well. And I found out through my BIL/SIL when we got back. My parents wouldn't have bothered to inform me if I hadn't found out.

Oh, and they are never wrong. And they always have to have the last say.

Which is in line with one of the website link provided earlier.

(I just had to say it, on a roll here!!) Argh!

Your issues with your parents are very serious ones although you continue to downplay it like many adult survivors of abusive toxic parents do.

Behaviours like your parents display are both abusive and controlling. Their "caring" behaviours are anything but, this is all about power and control.

You are still likely trapped by fear, obligation and guilt.

I would suggest you also read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

Attila, that sounds like an interesting book.

Just found this thread
My parents are very similar
I live abroad now but when I go back and stay I suddenly feel like a 7 year old
I get "told" off
I even got "grounded" a few years ago cos i was out late with friends They treat me like a kid and I also get "look after those kids of yours" as If I am not capable They have their own life but have to know everything about mine and if they suspect they dont then my dad gets sarky and tries to bait me as he cant handle not knowing My dad feels he can say what the hell he likes to me but if you respond then you have a attitiude not that I am a grown woman of 37 and wouldnt take this of H or anybody else

I am always left feeling guilty and childish and if i have been a naughty girl

I'm nodding my head in recognition at lots of what you say ivent, especially the bits about being made to take the role of the child, even though you're an adult. Although it's taken me many years, I've realised that sadly, my parents are never going to change no matter how much I explain to them how much it upsets and angers me to be treated like a child rather than the 30-something mother of 4 that I am! They (particularly my mother) just cannot see that the level of interference in my life is not normal or healthy for a grown woman. It is just too much of an ingrained habit now and for all their faults, it is their way of expressing their love.

I can only change my own reactions to their behaviour, so I have made myself 1) keep my temper with them and refuse to get drawn back into the role of tantrumming teenager. 2) I just see less of them - they used to come to visit every month or so, now it is a few times a year. 3) just mentally rise above it as much as possible and (try to) stop rehashing the past in my head.

It's not always so easy though as they recently gave us a large some of money which was inherited from my grandmother so that we could extend our house. As much as I didn't want to be in thrall to them, I knew it would make a big difference to my kids' quality of life, so accepted.

They do still interfere on a micro-level though. As an example my dad recently phoned my to remind my that I needed to apply to university or would miss the deadline Funnily enough I had managed to sort the entire thing out without his help! Or, a couple of weeks ago I asked my mum's friend to make me some new curtains. She told me how much fabric to get and I was going to order it and she would do the rest. My mum came to visit last week and reminded me 4 times (!!) to order it. I truly do not know how she thinks I manage to look after 4 kids, project-manage building work, hold down a job etc etc. I could scream sometimes!!

My mum will also do things like insist on bringing lunch AND dinner with her when they come to visit, to 'help' me. Yes, it's a help, but it also makes me feel about 12 years old and makes me feel like a university student living in rented accommodation. Grrr. Can you tell I'm still struggling with step 3 of my plan?!