I wrote about this before a few years back. Got supportive replies about toxic parents .. the usual suspects ... and go seek counselling. Then I took a step back because I felt guilty about slagging my parents off so much. But I took the advice to see a counsellor. But I couldn't see through it, and after about 6 sessions, I stopped. It really wasn't me, and as much as the counselling would perhaps help in the long run, it made me feel even worse, about myself, my parents and the whole relationship ... and also, it made me think more about my whole relationship with my parents when really, I just want to block it out.
I just want to say first, I'm not a bad person. I have healthy relationships with everybody else. I am fun to be with, and I am generally a loyal, thoughtful and generous person. I listen. I will try my best to help anyone to the best of my abilities. I have good friends around me, so I must be doing something right. So I must be a good friend to my friends.
But away from my everyday life, and back to my parents/family, I become awful. I lose my temper at my parents, together and individually. They drive me up the wall. They irritate me to high heavens. I behave like an insane women, screaming, pulling haris and shouting at them. They exasperate me.
They haven't abused me, emotionally or physically. I did get caned as form of discipline when I was young, but that's really common from where I come from, so really, no unresolved issues there. My parents have been nothing but kind and loving to me. Perhaps even too kind and loving, and I feel suffocated by that.
I know I'll get flamed for this. I read all these threads about abuse and I feel like I should be grateful for my parents. But somehow I don't feel it.
Everytime I speak to them, I end up feeling so angry and so shit about myself. I feel like a child all over again. And I probably reinforce it by reacting like one to them all the time. I just wish they would back off and let me live my life. It really gets too much. It's as if they want to carry my burdens for me, and solve my problems for me. They're constantly telling me what to do. They think it's fine because it's out of love. But it drives me absolutely crazy.
I am ranting now, because I just got off the phone with my mum. She rang to know if I decided to replace an employee. And that she would like to give that employee a present. I can hear you all thinking already ... 'but that's so kind and thoughtful' ... but she wants to do it, not because of any affinity towards that employee, but just because she is my mum, and to a large extent, she feels responsible for me, doesn't trust that I will do the right thing. So she has to do the right thing for me. Does that make sense?
And a lot of other times too, where she takes it upon herself to sort things out for me. When I have not asked her to. Then when I feel annoyed that she has yet again, interfered .. I get the usual 'you're so ungrateful' reactions. She recently lost sleep (literally) over the way my DD wrote her alphabets (from bottom to top, rather than top to bottom). I mean, FFS, it gets rectified in time (DD is 5) and why would it trouble her so much that she would lose sleep over it. And even if it was a problem, isn't it my worry to bear? Not her's?
And for eg, when ever they visit us, they have to pay for everything. We can never get our way around paying for anything else. We've tried, believe me, we've tried so hard .. and even when we pay in secret, they find a way to return it to us. And when we visit them, they pay again. It happens so often that it really gets so ridiculous. My DH just feels awkward and I just get angry that they're treating us like children again. And yes, most of you will say, how lovely, I wish I have parents who insist on paying for me. But it's all the time.
I know they are not serious issues like emotional, physical abuse .. but it happens a lot and I am a grown responsible person, a mum of 2 and I know it's a common issue, but I'm just feeling so worn out about it now. Imagine, if the average scale of 'parents trying to take control' that a person faces on a average level is 3, I'm getting it like a scale of 8-10, and constantly, all the time.
And I hate myself for not being able to take it anymore. But I feel like I hate them even more. I really do.
And I know, you're all going to say I'm ungrateful. but I need to rant. It's affecting my relationship with my own DCs. It's pulling me down and it's not fair on my DCs. I just need to rant.