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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think of a partner who never challenged you?

29 replies

BlackLetterDay · 14/02/2010 23:49

Wrt to behaviour or comments etc? I have had dramas with dp lately regarding me thinking he was having some kind of emotional affair etc. These have kind of been resolved, I accept I was being a paranoid mare (for the most part) and I have checked to the hilt .

I do have trouble accepting that he could love me really, which I know is my problem. I realised though that in our 8 year relationship he has never challenged me over anything. I have done a zillion things I regret, especially when I had PND and my Mum died, I went spectacularily off the rails for awhile. He never says WTF? were you thinking, or I'm not happy with that etc. Everything with him is just brushed under the carpet.

During one of our latest talks a few weeks ago I said that we were over (in the heat of the moment admittedly). Next day, nothing, except a can I get you a cup of tea dear.

How should I deal with this? Obviously if I do something crap to him I know I should bring it up and apologize, but the fact he ignores it completely, allows me not to do that, and I'm a coward for the most part.

I have been most confused lately, thinking have I been abusive? has he been abusive?

Everything is in a quiet phase at the moment, but it's only a matter of time before another issue arises. He never answers a question straight on, I have no idea of wtf is going on with him tbh.

OP posts:
Tortington · 14/02/2010 23:51

relate

choosyfloosy · 14/02/2010 23:57

I would imagine he feels that if he keeps schtum, everything calms down and goes back to normal - he would seem to be right about that. He may feel that you will react even more strongly if he challenges you, and that you will become unable to live together any more. He may not feel he should have to challenge a grown woman on her actions.

It sounds like you are both fairly scared of rocking the boat. Which is all a long version of custardo's post, tbh

Original poster
BlackLetterDay · 15/02/2010 00:03

Yes I think we are both scared of rocking the boat tbh, gaddamit everyone keeps saying relate lmao. We are so skint atm .

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackLetterDay · 15/02/2010 00:08

But what should I do about the fact he feels he needs to keep schtum? Our communication is so crappy tbh, he gets so defensive whenever I bring anything up. I have no idea how I would react, because he has never brought anything up, I can't believe I am such a tyrant that he is so scared to raise issues with me.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 15/02/2010 00:15

sometimes your partner just wants to keep the peace...the fact you have noticed his reluctance to challenge you shows you are both feeling unsure and insecure..if you cant do relate ..then approach him with your feelings not in an accusitory (sp) manner but just to find out what he feels and thinks in a neutral setting..be kind and just listen if he chooses to talk..if not be honest about how you feel and what you want..you'd be surprised how people feel about you sometimes...how you act or what you say means so much to someone who cares for you..

Original poster
BlackLetterDay · 15/02/2010 00:17

Your post has given me food for thought choosyfloosy, thankyou. I think maybe that he may be scared to be alone. He seems to preserve the relationship at any cost, if the tables were turned I would probably have left him such a crappy thought. I think because of this I push him away because I feel unworthy of his affection and care. He is a much better person than me, I think maybe I keep trying to split up because I feel I don't deserve him and he is better off without me.

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 15/02/2010 00:18

Well, the other day when you said 'we're over' - did he react at all at the time? Never mind what he did the following day? Did you walk out, did he walk out, were plates thrown, was nothing said at all?

What were you hoping would happen?

Original poster
BlackLetterDay · 15/02/2010 00:23

Well he searched for rooms to rent on the internet, discovered by me because I was snooping

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 15/02/2010 00:30

just because you feel something does not mean its true..he obviously cares for you or he would'nt give a shit..how do you feel about him?..(self pity aside)...

Original poster
BlackLetterDay · 15/02/2010 00:45

I think self pity and entitlement aside I love him, I love the fuck out of him. That's why I am so scared that he is just with me because of his responsibilities.

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 15/02/2010 00:47

So later on, he perhaps thought out some plans based on you meaning what you said, but didn't act on them.

What happened when you actually said the words? Were you on the phone to him, or face to face?

God I'm probing here, there's no obligation on you to answer. I suppose I just wonder what his reactions are like when you do bring things up.

I know that when i was with my first husband, who was quite a forceful character, I reacted to him raising the emotional temperature by withdrawing completely, agreeing to whatever he said in order to reduce the emotional temperature. It was only when our marriage was nearly over that I asserted myself at all, because there was less to lose. To my amazement he sometimes calmed down immediately once I'd challenged him. We were operating on completely different scripts and from completely different backgrounds.

A counsellor would probably ask him how his parents dealt with rows and conflicts, and how that made him feel. You could ask him the same things, perhaps, at some point when you are relaxed together.

Try to tell him how you are feeling, rather than what you want to happen - don't jump squares on the path. When you said 'it's over', what were you actually feeling? Frustrated at lack of response? Angry at money worries? Fearful of the future?

Original poster
BlackLetterDay · 15/02/2010 00:48

But nothing happenned when I said I wanted to leave, I went to bed and he well did what he does best and surfed the web.

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 15/02/2010 00:51

It sounds quite scary, that you said something so major and he didn't appear to react.

Original poster
BlackLetterDay · 15/02/2010 00:53

Thanks choosyfloosy I will recognise what you say

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackLetterDay · 15/02/2010 00:56

He does that though, I could tell him I am going to knife him in his sleep and he would just nod.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/02/2010 00:57

That does sound odd that he doesn't react at all.

Can I ask - do you often threaten to leave, rant etc? My Mum was quite 'shouty' when we were growing up, and we used to just zone out. Used to ignore the threats she would make because she never implemented them. Is it possible that something like that is what's happening in your relationship?

ItsGraceAgain · 15/02/2010 00:58

When Mumcentreplus wrote: "how you act or what you say means so much to someone who cares for you", how did you react to that, BLD? I'm wondering whether you truly appreciate that - or if, perhaps, you feel like nothing you do or say matters all that much.

It's interesting that your thread question was about him "not challenging" you. Yet you then explained that you're really talking about him fighting back at you - you want him to react to your abusive behaviour. He is actually correct in refusing to play along. But what you're saying is you want to control his feelings ...

There's something angry going on inside you. I don't know whether it's an issue you're aware of, or not? If you do know where all this fear, anger & insecurity comes from, I might be able to suggest some books and/or websites for you to start your own 'therapy'. For the time being, as your self-confidence clearly is a little wobbly, I wholeheartedly recommend Ultimate Confidence by Marisa Peer.

Meanwhile, with your blowouts at DP and the snooping, please do show him kindness. Apologise. Sincerely. If you feel like justifying or excusing your self - don't! Just be kind to him. And also be kind to yourself, BLD, I suspect you're a little too harsh on you.

Mumcentreplus · 15/02/2010 01:02

I agree with choosy its scary..but you have to speak to him..find out whats going on..bite the bullet

Mumcentreplus · 15/02/2010 01:06

Very true Gracey..agree with all you have said..

diddl · 15/02/2010 08:34

OP, perhaps he knows that you don´t mean it?

But tell him that you don´t!

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 15/02/2010 08:57

agree with gracey.

op.... so... basically you throw a tizz/start an arguement and want to know why he does react to your tantrum

do you often say that your leaving?

if you say this repeatedly, and he knows full well you will wake up in the morning and pretend you never said it..... then of course he's not going to rise to the bait.

stop causing drama.

life is difficult enough without this sort of behaviour.

choosyfloosy · 15/02/2010 10:43

DONTtouch... but if the OP feels that without some kind of reaction or engagement, her dh may have stopped loving her, then of course she is going to try and get that reaction.

BLD, you may not be able to afford Relate (although it's always worth checking whether they can waive fees), but what about some counselling for yourself via your GP? You've been together 8 years, you both stay with each other whatever happens, and yet you are scared every day. That's no way to live. Waiting lists can be long but NHS counselling can be really good. I'm not saying you are the only one who needs 'fixing', but I do think your joint communication style needs work, and a change in the way you operate may dislodge a change in your dp. I hope so, anyway.

WomanOnPluto · 15/02/2010 11:18

You ask if you are abusing him and I would say you are going only on what you have said in your posts. (BTW did you actually tell him you would knife him in his sleep or was that just an example?)

I must admit though your DH sounds kind of 'cut off'. If so, is that with you or with others too? Is your DH communicative at other times i.e. when you are not arguing, does he show you affection/interest?.

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 15/02/2010 11:37

choosy - it sounds as if you are justifing someone has the right to provoke a partner into a reaction because he wont be drawn into an arguement

i'm sorry, but i dont think there is any excuse for "pushing buttons" as its often phrased to upset your partner

also i am very [shock and if you say things like "knife him in his sleep" ?? have you said similar violent things in heat of the moment arguements?

imagine if the op was a man posting about saying these things about his dw.

everyone would be screaming abusive.

--you repeatedly ping pong between leaving one night, and ignoring you said it the next.

-- you threaten violence (i'm actually hoping you haven't actually gone as far as to say these things out loud? and just think them?.. but i fear you do say them outright)

-- you admit its possible your partner is scared of you. and scared to voice his opinion for fear of the backlash

-- call your behaviour that of a "tyrant"

this makes me wonder to ask. have you ever thrown items/ broken items during an arguement? packed bags? either yours or his during these arguements? ever thrown a phone or a cup to get a reaction? maybe even shoved or been too close to comfort while having arguements???

sayithowitis · 15/02/2010 13:28

It seems to me that you are doing some pretty outrageous things to provoke a reaction. The problem is, he is probably aware that you are doing so and is therefore refusing to rise to the bait. If a woman had osted from the opposite viewpoint, the DH would have been called controlling, manipulative and allsorts. This is what you are doing. Frankly, to me, it seems clear that he knows full well what you are doing and doesn't see why he should give you the response you are seeking. He must love you very much if he puts up with this crap that you keep throwing at him, and doesn't in any way hold it against you.
I suggest you stop your childish behaviour, If you feel you want counselling fine, because it sounds as though you have 'issues', but it doesn't sound to me as though they are really relationship issues. Unless you want him to be argumentative and just as unpleasant to you as you are to him?