What would you think of a partner who never challenged you?

[BlackLetterDay]

Wrt to behaviour or comments etc? I have had dramas with dp lately regarding me thinking he was having some kind of emotional affair etc. These have kind of been resolved, I accept I was being a paranoid mare (for the most part) and I have checked to the hilt .

I do have trouble accepting that he could love me really, which I know is my problem. I realised though that in our 8 year relationship he has never challenged me over anything. I have done a zillion things I regret, especially when I had PND and my Mum died, I went spectacularily off the rails for awhile. He never says WTF? were you thinking, or I'm not happy with that etc. Everything with him is just brushed under the carpet.

During one of our latest talks a few weeks ago I said that we were over (in the heat of the moment admittedly). Next day, nothing, except a can I get you a cup of tea dear.

How should I deal with this? Obviously if I do something crap to him I know I should bring it up and apologize, but the fact he ignores it completely, allows me not to do that, and I'm a coward for the most part.

I have been most confused lately, thinking have I been abusive? has he been abusive?

Everything is in a quiet phase at the moment, but it's only a matter of time before another issue arises. He never answers a question straight on, I have no idea of wtf is going on with him tbh.

BLD, I used to react abusively to my partners. While I was justified in feeling that way about their behaviour (including emotional withdrawal) I was never justified in screaming, ranting, accusing & snooping! This is why I focused on your behaviour rather than his. There are plenty of healthier & more constructive ways to deal with relationship problems.

While you're behaving like this, it simply isn't possible to look further into whether your DP has issues as well. When somebody posts here about an emotionally abusive partner, we always tell them not to 'feed' his behaviour by reacting to it. Now, if your DP had taken this advice, you'd be exactly where you are now.

Long and the short of it is: Your actions show you have issues that will create problems in every relationship you have, now & for ever. If you're anything like me, I'm sure it all stems from fear & feelings of unworthiness. Until you take the idea on board - at least a little bit - you won't be able to tell how your DP feels, because he isn't getting the chance to feel anything much!

Hope that made sense.

I would like to say that we don't actually argue that much and I am so not the screaming ranting type, I have also never thrown anything. Of course I never said I was going to knife him that just something extreme off the the top of my head fgs.

I don't think someone has the right to do things just to provoke a reaction. But I did feel that was what BLD was doing, and that this was explainable, if not good, in terms of her fears and insecurities and his probable fears and insecurities. I think they are expecting different things of each other. This is not necessarily perfect - who is? - but it is not unsalvageable either IMO.

Other people might post of a man doing the same thing that he was being abusive - I probably wouldn't. Every situation is different.

I would say that a lot of guys avoid talking about anything. Pleasant or not so if you want to start communication being better between you try talking to him about pleasant things such as a holiday/night out planned or anything at all ??? buying a film ??? then ask him his opinion.

We all get in habits in our relationships and forget to value the opinion of our dp/dh. This will show him you are ready to listen to him...btw don't expect much for a while I have to repeat questions to get an answer and actually explain to dp that I am just wanting to ask his valued opinion on stuff not just making chit chat !!

Then you can work from there, trying to force a resolve when your at conflict is too hard. Just try to get him to see you value his opinion about anything at all, food, cooking, chores....

Maybe try not to focus on the negative, if you've been stressing about him having some kind of affair then it seems to me that you are still in the kind of emotional flight mode from that.

hope I didn't get the wrong end of the stick with that