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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I found an email on my husbands outbox where it came out that he has been with another woman for months...

32 replies

america · 13/02/2010 20:12

It has been strained between us for awhile and sex life non existant since DS2 was born 12 months ago. My husband works in project work and has been away since May "on business" coming to us only a couple of times since. I accidentally tumbled on his outbox and found that he has been in relationship (explicit photos on email) for at least a couple of months and is even contemplating converting to islam (he has worked in the middle-east). On his emails he has even proposed future marriage to this woman and her parents. He has used all our money on something and has now asked me to divorce. What do I do know? Can anyone recommend a "divorce book" with practical advice? I have literally just found out and am totally numb. Would appreciate any help.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 13/02/2010 20:13

what did he spend the money on

Lulumama · 13/02/2010 20:15

you need a lawyer

print out the email

ask him to leave tonight

he is proposing marriage to someone else when he is married and has children with you?

utter, utter selfish prick

Original poster
america · 13/02/2010 20:36

Thanks. I'm in shock and devastated. I also found order confirmation emails for expensive diving equipment and references on holidays they had together. I know that he has used around 5000£ in the past three months on "something he cannot recall what"...

And I have been streching pennies as was recently made redundant and have been paying of his previous debts too... God I have been so stupid.

And this sounds like a bad joke. Becoming muslim for a woman??

OP posts:
Ewe · 13/02/2010 20:41

Oh gosh, you poor thing. So sorry that the cockhead has done this to you.

Where is he now?

foxinsocks · 13/02/2010 20:42

sorry, poor you

have you got separate bank accounts?

Original poster
america · 13/02/2010 20:43

He is putting boys to bed as I am shaking in front of the computer and talking to a friend. If I kick him out now I have to look after two under three-year-olds by myself too. What do I do. No family around to help.

OP posts:
Ewe · 13/02/2010 20:44

Perhaps a book like this could help?

ruddynorah · 13/02/2010 20:44

he's been away since may and has only been back a couple of times?

miumiu · 13/02/2010 20:45

No, no - knowledge is power - take your time before you confront him to photocopy/print out everything you can get hold of - incriminating emails, bank statements, paychecks and then take him to the cleaners - rather than him just leaving you high and dry and cavorting off into the sunset.

Go see the CAB and a lawyer (for a freebie half hour) to find out where you stand.

Then confront him.

Ewe · 13/02/2010 20:47

Personally I would HAVE to kick him out, I couldn't have the lying bastard under my roof but I understand it's not always that simple. Although given he has been away so much I am sure you're doing a fabulous job of looking after the children single handedly and will continue to do so.

Do you have friends nearby to support you?

What on EARTH has he got to say for himself?

CoteDAzur · 13/02/2010 20:47

What an ass

Does he realize that converting to Islam will mean having a circumcision? [ouch]

Lulumama · 13/02/2010 20:48

if he leaves, you'll be looking after the children anyway

surely if he is away a lot, you can cope?

i could not spend another night in with a man like that

if he goes, you have plenty of time and space to print stuff etc

fuzzywuzzy · 13/02/2010 20:48

I don't get the being Muslim bit, he's having an affair whilst married to you, sending/receiving explicit emails what's Islamic about any of that..?

However practically, stop paying any of his debts off remove your name from his debts if at all possible, go & see a soicitor ASAP. Make sure you retain copies of all documents relating to finances, you may need them.

Ewe · 13/02/2010 20:49

Yes, forward yourself the email before he can delete it and anything else incriminating that is on email, online bank statements etc.

Original poster
america · 13/02/2010 20:57

Yes, he works for six-week IT projects abroad and comes home only between projects for a week or so, sometimes less... But now it seems like he hasn't been working all that hard after all. It didn't use to be this bad, until May -09 he was away for only one or two projects in a row and then at home for months.

He banks online but I confronted him a few weeks back when I discovered rent arrears and could not understand what he had done with his money.

Thanks. Will check with CAB and will try to get a lawyer next week.

OP posts:
Original poster
america · 13/02/2010 21:25

I feel like laughing out myself thinking about the whole muslim thing. he says that in muslim world man is the head of family and that this new woman is submissive and makes him feel like a man where as I never properly understood him. I'd like to know what this submissive woman and her parents think about those sex-toys and things...

OP posts:
Whizzywigg · 13/02/2010 21:32

If you post on the legal section of MN you will get some pretty good practical advice...

BUT It must be a big shock for you, and I would focus on taking it all in, and trying to keep body and soul together for now...

If you want to gather evidence, if that makes you feel better... concentrate on copying financial papers... not looking for evidence of his affair... divorce in UK is no fault... so it wont' matter what his conduct has been like...

Sorry to hear this... hope you are coping as best as you can... are there any RL friends or family who could offer some practical or emotional support?

groundhogs · 14/02/2010 11:33

If 'she's' over there and contemplating taking on a non-muslim... it's everything to do with the £.. he IS being scammed.

She will do and say ANYTHING to hook him, believe me, I know from experience what women out there are capable of. He's fallen for the oldest trick in the book. I know of the DH of an aquaintence that lost literally all his money to a honey trap, she'd even had reconstructive surgery to trick him into believing she was a virgin... He lost the greater part of £500k in the end.

When I came back to the UK, DH was targetted by 20 - yes, TWENTY women; all wives of friends of friends. Apparently him being a 'rich' man alone went round on bush telegraph. (by rich I mean of course he has a foreign passport, foreign wife and has lived in the Uk for 20 years etc)

Sit him down and read him the riot act and tell him to put his real family first and not some fake one.

In true muslim society, there is NO way on earth her family would accept her shagging anyone, let alone a non-muslim!

If they know about it and accept it, it's that she can pave the way to a new life in the west for the lot of them. Yes, I know that sounds like they are selling her, and it's not far wrong.

Protect yourself, get all the cash you can together to make sure you can meet your own obligations.

CoteDAzur · 14/02/2010 14:54

groundhogs - You are tarring a whole nation of women with the same brush of a few con artists. It is entirely possible that OP's husband is having a romantic relationship with this woman (i.e. not "shagged") and that her family is involved. I know quite a few such platonic relationships between Muslim women and non-Muslim men that have ended in marriages, under the watching eye of the girls' families.

Having said that, of course he should put his real family first, but that goes without saying.

groundhogs · 14/02/2010 20:58

entirely possible that it is 'real love', much, much more likely that she's after something with a western dickhead who can't keep it in his trousers, the wallet or his 'little friend'.

For every happy ending that starts out of an affair you've heard of, i can reference home wrecking on a cold, calculated and purely mercenary scale by the bucket load.

I've seen the way that lot behave. The most morally bankrupt people i've ever encountered. If that's tarring a nation, so be it.

My own dh was targetted this past ramadan by over 20 women, all after literally whatever they could get out of it. Luckily dh is not stupid, he was actually sickened by it all.

Sadly the con artists are not in the 'few'.

bloodyright · 14/02/2010 21:47

umm - not sure which "nation" is being tarred, but I assume the defining characteristic of the women you refer to Groundhogs is not one of nation, race or faith but one of poverty.

Sadly in many of the nations in the middle east, woman and men live in terrible poverty - they see a western life as a way out not only for themselves but for their family.

Groundhogs - I think you need to qualify what you mean by the most morally bankrupt people you have ever encountered as right now it sounds like you mean the whole of the middle east or just muslim women in general.

DuelingFanjo · 14/02/2010 21:51

Do you have any joint accounts? Can you transfer money out of them to your own accounts?

I agree with others who have said you need to make / take copies of everything you can find as well as copies of any bank statements and any other joint documents.

Original poster
america · 15/02/2010 09:39

No, separate bank accounts but I've just lost my job and have no idea how to pay any bills in the end of the month as have had to use my redundancy pay to pay for our living for the past few months. I just went through his pockets and despite his assurances that he has never met the woman in question (?) found a second camera with photos of a young woman in wet suit on what looks like a divind holiday to me.

And GH, this makes me want to weep but I also found copies of flight itineries to Amman and Western Union transfer receipts on this woman's name, a coran and instructions on correct praying procedure... I am devastated. Trying to get through to CAB today but I also have a hob interview in an hour and am shaking like a leaf...

OP posts:
Original poster
america · 15/02/2010 09:40

sorry, obviously job interview

OP posts:
Tortington · 15/02/2010 09:47

good luck with job interview xxx

you need a solicitors appt sharpish.