How to deal with partner's drinking

[Gutted128]

Hello there, I'm tentatively saying hello on here, if anyone on here, especcially anyone with experience of this kind of thing could give me some advice, I'd be eternally grateful.

I have long suspected my partner has a drink problem. For the 3 years we have been together he has had between 2-8 cans of beer (usually 5-6) a day, alot more at weekends, and basically he can't seem to go without it.
If questioned about it, he will go very defensive, or sometimes agree he needs to cut down, but 'something' always comes up - his friend's come round, stressful day, any random holiday (haloween, st patricks day which happens to be on that week). He seems to get very nervous if there is none in the house, and visibly relaxes when it's in the fridge.

He is generally a nice person, nice to kids, helps with housework, he works part-time and watches kids whilst i work part-time too.

He isn't violent when drinking as such but it is a problem for me because he will get embarrassing if out in the shop or something and less attentive to other's feelings. I don't know how to describe it - it's not violence really but more obnoxious, thoughtless behaviour.

Here's an example-
Today it is his birthday, and also the anniversary of my dad's death on the same day, so bittersweet for me.
He had friends over last night and was up drinking all night with them (didn't even go to bed), despite knowing we were going for family meal today. He did get up today, feed kids, make breakfast etc and get showered and ready. But before we left he had 2 glasses of wine (1pm) , saying he had to drink as a 'curer' cause he was up all night and would fall asleep otherwise.
Went to meal with kids and he was a bit loud and embarrassing. People kept looking because it was inappropriate for family afternoon. He had 2 pints with meal, then we went to shop and i made a joke about a valentine teddy and he said "YOU WANT THAT? IT WAS MADE BY CHINESE CHILDREN IN A SWEATSHOP GETTING PAID 1P AN HOUR!!!" really loud, shopkeeper was none too pleased. I told him he really has to calm down with the drinking, I know it's his bday but it's my dad's anniversary and I just want a quiet time, not to be embarrassed. His mum then want to take kids for sleepover (they advised him to go home with me) but instead he asked me to go to pub with him. I said no cause I'm tired from last night and pissed off he'd embarrassed me all afternoon. He accused me of being a spoilsport and went alone.I went home alone.
No compassion for what I'm going through today or anything. You see, the sober him i love would realise what he was doing and quieten down and respect my wishes, but
the drunken him is oblivious to it.
This has caused problems quite a few times but he never cuts down for very long. I don't know if I can be in relationship anymore.
How do i confront this, if at all?
I know i can't force him to stop, and i've read I shouldn't cahllenge him as he'd probably blame the 'stress' i put him under for his drinking. But I'm sick of feeling hurt and second to alcohol. How practically to approach him? I feel it would be too harsh to throw him out (my HA lease) as he pulls his weight around the house and not violent, but i can't deal with his abnoxious behaviour anymore. I love him to bits, but it's not fun for me at all.
How to approach this? (sorry for the length of post!)
xxx

I thought of Al-Anon, even found all the local meetings and if there are any on a Saturday when inlaws have the kids i will certainly go. Won't tell him though as he will say I'm being silly or over-reacting or something ):

Just don't know how to deal with him? His behaviour when drunk seriously puts me off him, although he is the love of my life when sober or only 2 drinks or so.

argh.

Al-anon will help. I went for a while.

He obviously doesn't see he has a drink problem and you can't make him stop. My husband had a drug addiction and literally had to hit rock bottom and he went to rehab. Therapy got us through it. It's a rocky road but we've made it.

I am bumping for you

there is a long-running thread on here called "support for partners of addicts" or something

have you looked there ? There are very experienced (unfortunately...) ladies on there who know exactly what you are facing

sorry, no advice, just wanted to show you some support....you deserve better than this

however, I suspect you are going to have to get very much tougher than you currently are

and stop yearning for the "good" person he is when not drunk...the real person is displayed to you when he is drunk

you have a lot of adjustment to do...and you need help to do that in RL

Hiya, I looked on the 'partners of addicts' thread and I'm trying to work out how to copy and paste my OP onto it if I'm allowed?

Thank you for the support (:

Have read all of that thread from start to finish although I'm a bit confused - Is it best to ask the drinker to move out? or stay living together? Tbh I think it would relieve alot of my stress if he did move out, but i would miss him like hell. It would take the pressure and walking on eggshells feeling off of me though. Might never get him back then, but if he realises and stops drinking himself then surely he would realise how he behaved and want to come back?
I just don't know. ):

You need to be tough. I kicked my husband out. He ended up sleeping on his dad's sofa for a while. I only let him come home when he'd been to rehab and sorted himself out.

Hi- My husband is addicted to gambling and like you I reached the point where 'enough is enough'

I don't feel able to advise you- but one thing i would like to do is offer you my support in 'boosting your self esteem'...as for the past week or 2 i have had help on here- to encourage me to think of myself- and it has made some of H's behaviour less irritating.
(like your H...mine does not see he has the problem- its always me/the kids stressing him out-but never him)
My H will make insensitive/inappropriate remarks- and i am left apologising to those he has offended.

When you feel emotionally battered and bullied, you make yourself justify 'putting up with it' because of all the 'good' things you convince yourself that they do for you.

As someone on here recommended to me...google CoDependency. see if you identify with it...it could help you feel strong enough to make descisions

yes, cut and pasting is ok

I have read up on co-dependency before and i stopped 'covering up' for him, or making excuses for him. He doesn't like that, because before he seemed happy it was our complicit secret sort-of-thing, but now i call him up on it. I'm having a panic attack just now i think. He has been extremely thoughtless today because of the drink and i think i have come to the 'enough is enough' conclusion.
I'm shaking, nervous, sweaty, heart racing can't sit still but can't do anything productive. Waiting on him to come in is horrible. Might lock storm door so he can't get in but might just make situation worse.
It's always "I will stop tomorrow" then he buys beer. Then "it's none of your business" he says to me.
This is what he does to me when I should be thinking of my dad's memory.

none of your business ?

yes it is, when it is making you unhappy

if a man said that to me I would make it "his business" and his alone...by throwing him out and getting on with my life without the stress and worry of wondering when he will next drink and make fools of you all...

I know you love him...but I think tough love is called for here

anything less is condoning his behviour and cushioning the effects of his addiction

I think people like this have to actually experience the shit that having such an addiction brings...or else...where does the compulsion to get help come from ???

GUTTED How are you doing with the kids....i find that very hard...i reached rock bottom last week partly because i realsied i was being so nasty to my boys...i was scared of how I was behaving.

i considered 'deadlocking' the front door too...but like you was scared i'd make it worse.

Gutted

You are living with a man with a long standing alcohol dependency issue.

Unless he wants to seek help you cannot make him do so. It won't work.

What you are doing and have done to date is enable him. You need to learn how to emotionally detach from him and his drink problem. You are trapped in a cycle of co-dependency.

Who buys the alcohol: him, you?. Please do not buy alcohol for him.

You probably feel a great deal of responsibility for him and by turn so do your children. He is NOT your responsibility at the end of the day, he really is not. Alcoholics also can be the most selfish people in the world, his behaviours towards you earlier are clear evidence of that. The drink comes first you see. Bet you all the pals he had over are his drinking buddies from the pub.

"he is a nice person, nice to kids".
Well actually he is not. He is clearly not an ideal role model for your children to be witnessing; children who grow up in a household where one parent has a drink problem often go on to have relationship problems as adults amongst other serious relationship issues. You have a look at NACOA's website (this is an organisation for children of alcoholic parents). This is certainly not a legacy you want to be leaving them.

They won't thank you for staying with him ultimately and could as adults accuse you of putting him before them because you were not strong enough to leave him.

How many times have you had to cover up for him, make excuses to all sorts of people (not just your own self) for his behaviours when drunk?. How many people in your real life know of his alcoholism; not many I daresay. The perceived fear and shame keeps that hidden and alcoholism thrives on secrecy.

The whole family need help and support; alcoholism is a family disease and you as his partner are firmly also stuck on the merry go around of alcoholism. You need to get real life support for your own self from Al-anon; they would be a good place to start. They also write some very good literature; you can request this from them.

His primary relationship is with drink; absolutely everything and everyone else around him comes in a dim and distant second. He is also in denial of the problem and likely does not think he has a problem at all. All you do in his mind is "nag" him, any excuse to drink you see.

You need to remember the 3cs when it comes to alcoholism:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

The last two are very hard to accept but accept them you must.

Re your comment:-

"Tbh I think it would relieve alot of my stress if he did move out, but i would miss him like hell. It would take the pressure and walking on eggshells feeling off of me though. Might never get him back then, but if he realises and stops drinking himself then surely he would realise how he behaved and want to come back?"

I think your children would be a lot happier as well. They are learning from the two of you about relationships.

There are no guarantees here; he could well go onto lose everything and he could still choose to drink alcohol to excess. He cannot moderate his drinking in anyway; he does not have that ability.

BTW if you drink alcohol with him at all, stop this behaviour. This is enabling him also.

I would be asking him to move out asap.

....ref the kids....
i found myself telling them "to be good otherwise daddy will gamble"

That was when i knew I had to do something.

How dare i suggest that they triggered his gambling

i feel so ashamed.

oh good, attila is here

MrsF, please don't feel ashamed

no way is it your fault

gutted,

If he is watching the children whilst you are working, he is likely to be drinking in their prescence as well. Can you trust him to be looking after them at all?.

The children would certainly be seeing the empties piled up in the recycling. You see this too. What's he like when you get home?.

You cannot and should not make this situation their norm whilst growing up. You are not the only one affected by his alcoholism here.

Mrs F

Would reiterate what AF has written here, please do not feel ashamed.

Have you ever spoken to Gamcare; they are also for people where the spouse/partner have gambling addiction problems.

thanks Atilla/AF

haven't spoken to gamcare- but have had a look on website.

Mrs F

Their helpline is 0845 6000 133. They are there now.

Attila...its when the OP stated "Waiting on him to come in is horrible." that it hit me hard again- as that's what they do to us isn't it?
I will call gamcare on monday...as not in 'crisis' now...and could have a less emotional call than if i ring when i NEED to ...

I can not write with the detail and informed knowledge that attila has

but I always agree 110% with what she says in these circumstances

Listen to Attila, wish I had sooner. Her 3 c's are spot on.
Come and join us on the partners of addicts thread, a year ago I could have written most of your op.

Meant to add, do seriously consider how much your dc are taking in sub-consciously. They have no choice about whether to stay in the current situation. Thye will be a lot more aware than you realise, mine certainly were

Hi AnyFucker,
Iam with you on that one. You are right I think he needs to experience the effects and he may well stop (or so i hope). He has told me that 10 years ago (before he met me) he had a cocaine issue and he hit in his words "rock bottom" on one xmas day, locked in a room with loads of coke not speaking to anyone, even visiting family. He gave it up soon after by cutting ties with his friends who were into it and deleting his dealers numbers. and since has never done it again.
I know it IS my business, our business as a family and have explained this to him.

MsForgetful,
Yes it does make me snappy with the kids and my eldest is recognising this, which i hate and feel bad about. When I get the panic attacks i have to ask her (4 years old) to leave me alone as inside i feel at 'boiling point' - it's not fair as she's usually only making an innocent comment about her doll or whatever. I hope you are doing ok, any coping stategies to share?

Hi Attila,
Thanks for your response too. I do not buy any alcohol for him. We both have about £30 a week each left over after bills and when he is finished this I refuse point blank to lend him any, even for 'bus fares' or 'lunch' - his parents won't lend him money for beer, but they will buy his bus ticket to work if he asks them. I have spoken to them about it, but they just don't see that he spends the bus money on beer conciously RELYING on them to get ticket for him, so it's just as bad.

His friends are both daily drinkers and all-weekend binge drinkers.

I don't drink with him apart from on family weddings etc.

I don't actually feel responsible for him. I used to a bit, but not anymore. He knows Iam at my wits end with this and plan to kick him out if this continues, but he doesn't seem to care, the drink comes first you see.

I think I'm going to ask him to move out asap.

oh, good luck, gutted...you sound very sensible and also very fair

well done to you that you accept your own actions may have supported his addiction in the past

his parents pay his bus ticket ? that is pitiful, seriously

this is a grown man with a family, not a teenager...would his parents consider attending Al-Anon with you? They need to have their denial punctured too...and less likely to take it from you, unfortunately

he sounds like a weak man, easily-led, with an addictive personality

not a good role model for his children, I am afraid and a very long way from a good husband