How to deal with partner's drinking

[Gutted128]

Hello there, I'm tentatively saying hello on here, if anyone on here, especcially anyone with experience of this kind of thing could give me some advice, I'd be eternally grateful.

I have long suspected my partner has a drink problem. For the 3 years we have been together he has had between 2-8 cans of beer (usually 5-6) a day, alot more at weekends, and basically he can't seem to go without it.
If questioned about it, he will go very defensive, or sometimes agree he needs to cut down, but 'something' always comes up - his friend's come round, stressful day, any random holiday (haloween, st patricks day which happens to be on that week). He seems to get very nervous if there is none in the house, and visibly relaxes when it's in the fridge.

He is generally a nice person, nice to kids, helps with housework, he works part-time and watches kids whilst i work part-time too.

He isn't violent when drinking as such but it is a problem for me because he will get embarrassing if out in the shop or something and less attentive to other's feelings. I don't know how to describe it - it's not violence really but more obnoxious, thoughtless behaviour.

Here's an example-
Today it is his birthday, and also the anniversary of my dad's death on the same day, so bittersweet for me.
He had friends over last night and was up drinking all night with them (didn't even go to bed), despite knowing we were going for family meal today. He did get up today, feed kids, make breakfast etc and get showered and ready. But before we left he had 2 glasses of wine (1pm) , saying he had to drink as a 'curer' cause he was up all night and would fall asleep otherwise.
Went to meal with kids and he was a bit loud and embarrassing. People kept looking because it was inappropriate for family afternoon. He had 2 pints with meal, then we went to shop and i made a joke about a valentine teddy and he said "YOU WANT THAT? IT WAS MADE BY CHINESE CHILDREN IN A SWEATSHOP GETTING PAID 1P AN HOUR!!!" really loud, shopkeeper was none too pleased. I told him he really has to calm down with the drinking, I know it's his bday but it's my dad's anniversary and I just want a quiet time, not to be embarrassed. His mum then want to take kids for sleepover (they advised him to go home with me) but instead he asked me to go to pub with him. I said no cause I'm tired from last night and pissed off he'd embarrassed me all afternoon. He accused me of being a spoilsport and went alone.I went home alone.
No compassion for what I'm going through today or anything. You see, the sober him i love would realise what he was doing and quieten down and respect my wishes, but
the drunken him is oblivious to it.
This has caused problems quite a few times but he never cuts down for very long. I don't know if I can be in relationship anymore.
How do i confront this, if at all?
I know i can't force him to stop, and i've read I shouldn't cahllenge him as he'd probably blame the 'stress' i put him under for his drinking. But I'm sick of feeling hurt and second to alcohol. How practically to approach him? I feel it would be too harsh to throw him out (my HA lease) as he pulls his weight around the house and not violent, but i can't deal with his abnoxious behaviour anymore. I love him to bits, but it's not fun for me at all.
How to approach this? (sorry for the length of post!)
xxx

Thanks AnyFucker.
His parents are in denial about his problem, although i think they know deep down by the comments they make. They only stopped lending him money after i had a serious chat with them and told them to stop it as they were actually hindering, not helping our family situation. They don't realise now though that when he comes up to theirs with a sob story of "I can't get to work cause I've got no bus fares" etc that he has deliberately spent the last of 'his' money on alcohol knowing they will bail him out for bus fares. I will ask them about it, but maybe only when he is back living with them will they believe me. They don't want to believe anything bad about their son, which is understandable.
It hurts because I love him, but i know this is not right for me and kids. ):

It's pure misery living with someone like this. My brother is a recovering alcoholic but I'm not sure if he's out of the woods yet. His long-suffering partner finally had enough last year and left him. She'd given him so much support but finally accepted that he had to help himself. He too is a lovely person when sober and a monster when drunk.

Like others here have said, they need to want to help themselves, you are powerless.
Agree with AF too about his parents, our mum didn't help my brother at all, because it was always poor him, he can't help it - she enabled him for years.

What are your in-laws like? Are they supportive? You'll need them to help you with the children.

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has been sober for over 3 years now. I did not throw him out; our baby was (I think) around 6 weeks when DH admitted that he had a problem. The fact that we had such a young baby was helpful; it meant that I concentrated fully on our baby and not on him and his problems. I completed detached myself from it. I later found that this is a recommended coping strategy.

Anyway, the first step is to get him to see that his drinking is causing problems with his relationships with others and that his family life is suffering. If he won't see it then I suggest you do get him to move out. However, if he does see it and accepts that he has a problem the AA will help. My DH attends meetings frequently still and will always continue to attend. In the beginning the other members were a huge source of experience, strength and hope. We owe a lot to the AA.

I can't say that 3 years on life is completely a bed of roses; we still have problems. DH is being treated for depression and I don't know what came first, the alcoholism or the depression. Who knows what caused it? I still worry when he doesn't shave for a few days as a disinterest in his appearance was a major symptom of his drinking: he seemed to get scruffier and scruffier until he stopped, when he smartened himself up! But life with a non-drinking man is so much better than life with a drinker.

My DH was never violent. In fact, drinking made him quite soppy and pathetic in many ways. He cried very easily in films, sad occasions etc. We didn't have children for the majority of time when he was drinking but I'm pretty sure he would have been great with children. But, he was only living half a life. The other half was consumed with drinking, hiding his drinking, and trying hard to present a "normal" outlook on life. The life we have now is completely different. I feel like I have my husband back.

If he won't stop drinking I recommend you get out of the relationship. If he does stop, and enters into a programme of recovery then life can be good again. There is always hope.

Thanks, people on here are lovely.

The inlaws will support me with the kids, although can't do much as they both have health problems ): I don't have any family. None of much help anyways.

I think deep down he knows himself his drinking is out of control, but he is denying it to himself. Always an explantion.
I explain to him over and over the effect it is having on his family life, but he just re-iterates all the good things he does do (like lots of house cleaning and caring for kids alot) and accuses ME of being judgemental! Anything to be able to keep on drinking without facing the consequences....
argh.

gutted, yes people on here are lovely

best of all though, you won't get the "there-there, poor you" approach

you will get, however, straight-talking with a bunch of empathy/sympathy thrown in

the housework etc is a guilty man's attempt to make him feel better about himself

he can't be such a bad dad/DH if he looks after kids/does the dishes can he ????

err, yes he can

yeah i know what you mean (:
I get the "well i don't have much until the kids are in bed", "the house is spotless for you coming home from work, what are you moaning about?" etc...
Err..what about the fact that we can't go anywhere on weekends cause you are always hungover and unresponsive, we can only have sex in the morning when there's little alcohol in your system, all trips have to involve stops at the pub or you will get moody, when you don't have money for booze we have to deal with your moods?

You are right, he knows he is not being a proper partner, and if he just did nothing at all, he thinks I'd have good reason to throw him out, but he does these things so he can say "I'm not that bad, am I?" and then I don't have justification for throwing him out.

ps- that's ok, I'm not the soppy "poor you" type either! (:

I'm starting to wake up and see though that this has not changed for years , it is unlikely to now, and I have a horrible sick, sad, almost mourning feeling in my stomach...

please get some support in RL x

(as well as on here)

gutted,

re your comment:-
"It hurts because I love him, but i know this is not right for me and kids"

Indeed this situation is not right for your children at all, they are taking this all in after all. They are learning from both of you here about relationships.

You may well love him, of that I have no doubt, but I am sorry to tell you that he actually loves his drink more. His primary relationship is now with drink. You and everything else is not his main priority.

His parents are also in denial, enabling him with money for a bus ticket (and that does sound pathetic) only gives them a false sense of control and can ultimately stop him from facing up to his alcoholism. He does not have to face any consequences for his actions.

What is hard too is that he may never face up to his alcoholism ever, even when he is alone and has lost everything.

You are still not responsible for him.

BTW am not at all surprised to read that his friends are all daily drinkers or all weekend binge drinkers.

As AF has rightly surmised, do get some real life support. Al-anon is a good place to start.

Thank you. I'm going to ring al-anon where i live.
How do I speak to him in the meantime though? What is the best way to act around him when I'm so angry and emotionally involved?
xxx

I don't know gutted, I can only tell you how I would react towards him

Personally, if his behaviour and attitude was affecting my daily life, with the prospect of the stress making me ill and spoiling my r'ship with my kids, I would ask him to leave

I would find it very difficult to try and maintain a normal facade

if that is not possible for you, or you don't feel it would work in your cicumstances, then I would withdraw an conserve yourself emotionally

do things that you want to do, interact with the children, take them out without him if he is putting a dampener on you

above all, concentrate on yourself and leave him to own conscience

your self esteem will have taken an awful battering recently...act how you want to act, it is your right

Try to detach yourself emotionally from him to save your strength and not become totally worn down by it.

Try Al-Anon and concentrate on your relationship with your DC. This will give them more security. I have been, in the past, absolutely obsessed with my H's drinking. This takes your attention away from other important things.