If you have a good relationship with your mother......

[backtolife]

Please can you tell me about it? All the little things and big things and all the things in between that make it special? All the things your mother would say and do for you, things you would do together, things you talk about? Right from when you were a little child to now?

Because I have no idea what a good, close, caring mother/daughter relationship is like. I grew up alone, without a mother (long story which I won't go into now), and I now have 2 DC's who are 3 and 6. I have been working very hard to not repeat the pattern of my mother's non-existent/neglectful relationship with me, but I realise I have no idea of what to do as opposed to what not to do.

Spending time with yourchildren and enjoying it, making sure they know you enjoy it.
Warmth, patience.

In no particular order, just as they come to me:

As a child

• telling me she's proud of me. A lot.
• being very enthusiastic and supportive of things I did, eg sticking pictures on the fridge, certificates on the wall, going to school shows, taking me to things like dance classes even though she knew it was a seven day wonder
• telling me I was pretty
• spending time with me, baking, doing crafty things, in the park
• indulging the odd whim: having a picnic lunch in my den in the living room (kitchen chairs and an old sheet)
• giving me unconditional love. I ALWAYS knew that my mum (and dad) loved me. Never, ever questionned it.
• reading me stories and telling me stories about her as a child
• singing me songs

As an adult

• phoning me to see how I am
• sticking odd things in the post, because she saw it and thought of me
• falling madly in love with her grandson
• still worrying about me, even though I'm 37
• still saying she's proud of me

God, heaps of stuff. We're not the sort of mother and daughter who are "like sisters". We don't speak or see each other every day, but she's everything I'd ever want in a mum and is a model of what a mother should be to me in my own relationship with ds.

Wow, that's a huge question.

My parents split when I was 4, and although I saw my Dad on access weekends, I really just grew up with Mum and my younger brother. And we were poor, and she worked all the hours she could, but, not to sound too hokey, we were happy. I have childhood memories of:

• picnics
• making candles in old mugs, then realising we couldn't get them out of the mugs and being allowed to smash the mugs to free the candles
• she hated cooking, but every now and then on a weekend she'd make 'eggy bread' (French toast) as a treat, and it was the greatest thing ever
• point being, even though she was tired and busy, and she now remembers the other stuff, like getting us up on weekends, pouring cereal into bowls, turning on cartoons and going back to bed because she was shattered (and she feels guilty about this 20 years later) I remember that the weekends were about us as a family, and having fun. She actually had lots of other stuff to do, being single, but I only remember those fun times.

She taught us card games and board games, too, so me and my brother spent long hours playing chess or lego together on our own. She never smacked, and rarely yelled. Right from the beginning she stuck to her guns. If she said no, stop - she meant it, and she wasn't kidding around, and she was always consistent. So we would always know that if she said something she meant it, so she never needed to escalate to smacking.

Now, I'm thirty-something with a young daughter, and she's been really involved. She's the best nana ever. She just radiates love, and I never get the impression that the way she grandparents is about her own ego or agenda, it's just about my daughter. She takes the same delight as I do in each new achievement ('she pointed to her foot when I asked where socks go on!'), and my daughter adores her to bits.

Obviously I can wax lyrical about my mum. She's a flawed person, as we all are. But she has so much love in her, and has always made me feel welcome and when I'm scared or vulnerable she's still the first person I ring.

So I guess, what do you do? You just love your daughters as hard as you can. The rest will probably take care of itself.

Nobody can tell you how to parent your children. It's a symbiotic relationship built on instinct and hard work. There are clear right and wrongs in parenting that most people would agree on but those scenarios are stark black and whites and don't account for the myriad situations, personalities, eventualities, circumstances and nuances of individual human relationships.

I think you can only endeavour to be good enough for your child. You will not get everything right, you will make mistakes, hundreds of little ones, hopefully only a couple of big ones, you will get it right most of the time. Being a parent is a strange mix of selfishness and selflessness. You want the best for your child and want to delight in them for your own pleasure but you also want what is the best for them even when it might cause sadness and difficulties. The success of parenting is walking the fine line between the two.

And there's also a lot to be said for your own happiness or at least contentedness. Because confidence in your own abilities and modelling true happiness goes a long way to teaching your child how to do the same. But then of course not everybody is content, many people are desperately unhappy in many ways, but are still wonderful parents. It's just not easy to qualify what makes parenting work.

I have few 'rules' concerning the way I parent. I respect, enjoy and like dd. I listen to her, I accept her the way she is and encourage her to be the person she wants to be all within a framework that prepares her for whatever eventualities lie ahead.

I have a good relationship with my Mum. She is a generous, thoughtful, practical, kind woman and it would take me an age to tell you how and why she parented and still parents well. It wouldn't help though because you are not her and your children are not me. And when you look at my father- unpractical, flighty, fickle, indecisive and yet a wonderful Dad- it shows that there are neither traits nor methods that enable you to parent well.

It comes from being who you want to be, allowing your children the same thing but being strong enough to guide them through it, to respond appropriately, to listen to your instincts but temper them with wisdom and continually endeavouring no matter how hard it seems some days.

And the very fact that you care about getting this right suggests to me that there's a good chance that you will.

I will watch this with interest - I too have no idea what a normal mother-daughter relationship is. I used to think that my friends' mothers were all mad helicopter parents, until I realised that it was my mother who was unusually detached.

hewasmytwin, thank you. Please can you give me some examples? I know all these things in theory but I have no idea how they manifest themselves in practise.

Eg.thoughtful things she did for you? Can you give me a few egs? Also let you make your own choices? egs?

I do tell my DC's I love them but I want to do so much more, I just don't know what. It's only when i talk to other people and hear about all the little things mothers do for their children, young or older that I realise what an amazing relationship I could have with my DC's. At the moment it is good, but I want it to be the best it can be.

sixtyfootdoll, thank you.

shonaspurtle, thank you. That is exactly what I was looking for, specific examples, however small or seemingly insignificant.

I am not joking or exaggerating when I say I was completely neglected and ignored by my mother. I was fed and clothed and that was it. We never talked, never did things together, she never did little thoughtful things for. I don't think she ever gave me even a moment's thought.

Please keep the examples coming. I am going to print off this thread and keep it. I realise I am going to have to learn how to be a brilliant mother.

I have a reasonabel relationship with my mum she's not perfect but then neither am I.

The things i do with DD that my mum didn't do with me (not that i remember anyway but she may have done when i was younger) - simple things.

Tell them I love them.
Be demonstrative physically - hugging and kissing.

The things i try not to do that my mum did:

Think that honesty is the best policy and thus put them down.
Have too high expectations.

The fact is that pretty much every mother feels at least a bit guilty and suspects she's not doing it 100% right - but with love and affection then that's the basics covered.

Also rememebring that we are all different people and your children aren't going to be little clones of you - they will disagree with you and sometimes argue etc as long as the underlying love is there none of that matters.

tortoiseonthehalfshell, thank you, that is just the sort of thing I am after. What is it that your mum did that meant she is the first person you would ring if you were feeling scared or vulnerable? Because my mother is the last person I would go to if i had a problem.

I realise this is a big question to answer and the answer is probably lots of little moments with your mum that built into a relationship where you knew she would be there for you no matter what. So I would love to know what those little moments were?

ShowOfHands, thank you and of course you are right. But I feel I literally need a 'step by step' guide to being a good mother in a really practical way. Like I have said, it's all the little things that I would like to know about, because I have literally NO personal experience of this from which to draw on and re-create with my DC's.

I understand that I do but do think that you may surprise yourself. It's in loving and enjoying your children and the time you have with them that you make the difference.

My MIL always says that it makes her laugh looking back. She has 4 adult children and when they talk about the things they loved as children, it's not the things she thinks they would. She said if she'd read about something or a friend had said 'oh we did this and the children LOVED it' she would try and do the same thing. She'd spend time and maybe money planning this great day out and it would be a disaster with whingy children and cross parents or they'd just take it all for granted and not be interested. Whereas the days where they just jumped in the car and ended up wherever, stomping across the marshes in wellies, eating chips in the freezing cold because there's nowhere else open and watching boats in the harbour because there was bugger all else to do, that's the thing they loved with shiny eyes and big smiles and those are the days that dh and his siblings still talk about now. And why? They all say the same things. Mum and Dad were off work, they messed about, played, there were no plans, no timetables, they were filthy and exhausted but happy and pleased just to be with parents who loved them.

It's like the meals I remember loving as a child. My Mum used to make 'winter warmer'. Which was mince, onions, gravy and a slice of bread. I LOVED it and it's only now that I understand that it was end of the month food when we had feck all money and my Mum now tells me how guilty she felt giving it to me because it was just to fill a hole and she couldn't afford anything else. Oh and the pleasure of sharing a portion of chipshop chips. Brilliant because I felt like part of a loving, happy, inclusive, sharing family. The truth? My Mum could only afford one portion. I didn't know any of that. I didn't know that when we went camping on holiday that my Dad snuck out every night while we were asleep to work because he couldn't afford time off.

It all boils down to the fact that I felt and feel loved by my parents. When I look back it wasn't the things we did, it wasn't the things I had or what they said, it was the knowledged that I was wanted, cherished, loved, enjoyed and liked.

Take the time to find your own pleasures with your children as well as borrowing from others and learning along the way. They will look back and remember how loved they were and how safe and treasured they felt and still do.

Backtolife sorry then my post wasn't much help!

Just the fact that you are posting this question says to me that you are a lovely mother though.

My Dad was physically and emotionally abused by his father and ignored by his mother. He grew up with terrible emotional and physical scars. He did not know how to be a parent and worried about knowing what to do (he tells me this now as an adult).

He was the most wonderful, responsive, emotionally receptive, kind, natural father you could meet. He's the same as a grandad. He is endlessly patient and takes such pleasure in being a parent and a grandad and I adore him like nobody in this world. He had an absolute clear and concise model of how not to parent. He knew the traps he wouldn't fall into. I think you may know more than you give yourself credit for.

My Mum didn't always get it right, but I was very loved and safe and she was always there when I needed her.
Friends were always welcome to play ( I was an only).
Rules were upheld, but were reasonable and rrelated to being considerate to others and having manners.
I was listened to almost all of the time.
Praising and encouraging me in things I was good at and pushing me to work hard at them.
Spending time together just pottering about. Nothing big or exciting that springs to mind, but just her presence.

i think being approachable and undsertsanding - letting the little things go but enforcing boundries on important things.

thats about it

i get on great with my mother now she's dead - didn't much like her when she was alive

MY parents were not perfect,
but things i loved/positive things I remember are:
My mum was the one who walked all me and my friends to school one day when we were 8 and it was icy even though we'd been trusted to walk to school alone for a while. She was therefore there when my bestfriend fell and badly hurt her leg and was able to carry her home as she couldn't walk. (so she wasn't embarrassed to interfere when it was potentially dangerous)
My mum paid for a summer group for me to go to, but didn't force me to go in. (I was too shy)

My mum earned herself a cute label from my friends as she always baked and made pancakes for my friends when they came over.
My Mum would help me study before exams, she'd buy the practise books and help me check the answers.
She tried to give me different experiences and get me to meet new people, she always used to enroll me on taster sessions, rock climbing, canoeing, archery.
She encouraged me to join Brownies so I'd have another group of friends outside of school.
She'd always find things for us to do together e.g. on a Saturday we'd do ice skating, horse riding, walking. We got a pet cat and she taught me all about looking after animals.
If she noticed I was interested in something, e.g. dinosaurs or horses for my next birthday/Christmas I'd get books about it, and since I liked art I'd usually get a book about e.g. drawing cartoon dinosaurs or similar.

She would let me make endless messy paper mache models after getting inspired at Brownies, or I'd be having my own little scientific experiments in her kitchen fridge.

If we were at the shop, e.g. the gardening shop, I might be allowed to buy a mini cactus and she'd teach me how to look after it.

Basically she took notice of what caught my eye and interested me, and then encouraged that. It meant that I've tried everything and I'm an all rounder with no one specialty. Probably quite normal, as in when it came to choosing a job or a career I didn't know where to go, I could have gone in any direction although not specifically going in any direction. But I think this was a good thing.

What a brilliant idea for a thread!

Your own parents tend to be the default models for how to be a parent, so if they weren't much good then how do you know what being a good parent looks like on a day to day basis?

I don't have a close relationship with my mother so I can't really contribute but am watching the answers with much interest!

Little things like warming my pyjamas by the fire and letting me climb into bed with her after my dad had got up. Oh, and checking on me every night before she went to bed. The way that she insisted we took our malt and cod liver oil and poured warm olive oil into my ear when it was sore.

These are the little things that made me feel loved and accepted.

backtolife: I'm sure that you are / will be a lovely mum. Can I inject a cautious note - don't try too hard and don't overcompensate because of your childhood.
Relax and enjoy your kids. All you need is time, love and communication.

ImSoNotTelling, sorry, didn't mean to ignore you. Thank you and your post is of help.

showofhands, thank you again, those are the sort of things I would like to know.

nickytwotimes, earthstar(that is exactly my dilema), and custardo, thank you also.

Dominique07, thank you so much. Your mum 'saw' you. You existed as a person in her eyes. I was invisible to my mum, I simply did not exist.

All of this helps me to build a picture in my mind of what life is like in a normal, fucntioning, loving, but of course, not pefect family. And that is what I am aiming for.

She gave me unconditional love.

She didn't judge me.

She never said anything hurtful even when she was telling me off.

She always told me when I did something wrong and pulled me up on bad behaviour but gave me leeway infront of my friends if I got carried away.

She had consistent rules and applied them to me and all sibs.

She never told me off in public unless it was a matter of safety.

I miss her even though it's been more than 15 years since she died. Every day I think of her and never know how I can live up to her memory. She was special.

HTH.

How to be approachable is a difficult one for me. DD can be very demanding and would talk at me all day if she could. I do sometimes have to switch off from her for my own sanity. But then I don't want her to feel she can't come and talk to me about something that is bothering her.

I have a friend who can talk to her mother about anything and everything. Once, years ago, my sister was at my friend's house and heard my friend talking to her mother about her then boyfriend who she suspected might be gay. My sister later told me she was shocked that my friend would and could talk to her mother about such things.

I thought my friend was extremely fortunate to have a relationship with her mother which meant she could talk to her about anything and sad that my sister was shocked by this but not surprised by my sister's reaction as my mother was not approachable at all and we certainly could not talk to her about all sorts. We had to be very careful about what we said to her in case she got scared, upset, worried etc etc. In the end I just stopped talking to her about anything and we grew so far apart we ended up like strangers living in the same house.

My mother had a terribly unhappy childhood. My grandmother was hostile, critical, abusive, neglectful, spiteful.... oh I could go on and on.
However my mum had enough insight to realise that this was not the way to do it, and tried all her life to give her children the things she never had.
My mother was always encouraging, ALWAYS telling us she loved us, always physically affectionate, always tried to reason with us when we were clearly wrong, always told us we were capable, competent and could acheive things in our life.We just always knew we were the most important things in her life.
She and my father worked really hard, so I don't have a lot of memories of lots of "free" time like painting, baking etc. However, now she is a retired granny, she does all that stuff with my kids. Our relationship has always been good, but it's even better now I have my own dcs. I love seeing how much mutual adoration there is!