If you have a good relationship with your mother......

[backtolife]

Please can you tell me about it? All the little things and big things and all the things in between that make it special? All the things your mother would say and do for you, things you would do together, things you talk about? Right from when you were a little child to now?

Because I have no idea what a good, close, caring mother/daughter relationship is like. I grew up alone, without a mother (long story which I won't go into now), and I now have 2 DC's who are 3 and 6. I have been working very hard to not repeat the pattern of my mother's non-existent/neglectful relationship with me, but I realise I have no idea of what to do as opposed to what not to do.

That's OK I hadn't even noticed!

See you are nice , that is all you need to be with your child to be close. Just being there and being kind and loving do the trick. I hope

I'm close to my mum. She was strict with me growing up, but she was always fair and never cruel. She was, and is, very funny. She's a decent, good humoured person. We didn't always get on so well. it's only as adults that we get on. (i mean since i was one)

tiredlady, thank you and you are lucky to have such a strong and determined mother.

My mum died about 9 years ago. We had a wonderful relationship and she was a great mum. She didn't have many opportunities herself, didn't get to go to college, we were very poor when I was a child.

She did everything she could to give me opportunities (mind you I was a PFB). I got an "assisted place", went to Oxford, then went to medical school. Some of the best part of that was taking mum and dad to the graduation days, and then having the money to take mum on holiday or for days out. I used to buy her clothes, that I thought would suit (she loved all that). Sometimes I would pop in to see her on my way home from a night out or en route back to the hospital where I was working and we would talk half the night. We were mates.

She always said, whatever I wanted to do, she would always love me for me. When I came home, sometimes she would get up at 6am to bake me an apple pie. And when she did a 2 year study course of her own, as an adult learner, I came to her diploma ceremony, and I discreetly started a standing ovation for all the graduates .

I feel really strongly that family mistakes don't have to be passed down generations. My mum had the most appalling childhood - I won't go into al the details but it was (at least by todays standards) pretty abusive. But as a parent to her children she is the opposite of her mother - family is all to her, she's unconditionally accepting of her children, would do (and has done) anything for us, supported any decisions we make in a non judgemental way and adores her grandchildren and has the same approach to them. Its not about specific things we have done together or things said, just a general approach. Recently I have been able to return some of that care for my parents as they get older and need my help.

My fear is that I'm not capable of being so relaxed with my DD - that I might have expectations of her that will put her under the sort of pressure I was never put under as a child, although part of that is that the school system with SATs etc seems to pile of the pressure at an early age.

Its not so much what you do or don't do but rather a state of mind - it sounds like your world revolves around your kids - and I think that if you think like that you can't go far wrong. That's how my mum is, and she was always a working mother, so its not about being a domestic goddess or cramming days with activities but just loving your DC's.

I'm a total mummys girl, my dad worked in the army so was away alot but I was a bit of a daddy's girl too.

My relationship with my mam is more of that of a friend, I tell her everything, she tells me everything (sometimes things I don't need to hear!!!).

I visit her often, she's just been round for coffee and we had sandwich and cake.

She knows stuff about me that not even my dad knows (I assume he doesn't know) and she took it all in her stride.

I have a great relationship with my mum. Close and loving and just very good. She overcame a very difficult upbringing of her own, endured many personal tragedies in her adult life and recovered on her own with optimism and love.

She was not a perfect mother - she too had no idea of what a good mother was. Her only model (not her own) was as toxic as they come. She was very overworked and tired and hormonal throughout my childhood and teenage years.

I can't say that I remember lots of "I love you" moments or cuddles - in fact, we were not a cuddly family at all.

I was one of 8 but never thought she had no time for me. I never ever remember her telling me she was too busy. Despite the fact that she most certainly was - she grew her own fruit, vegetables, cooked from scratch every day, baked her own bread and cakes, made own jam, chutneys blahdeblah, kept a lovely garden with all flowers and plants grown from seed, worked part time as a nurse, was involved in various community and church groups and had a big circle of friends.

She would get up before everyone else to make sure the table was set for breakfast and would run around and make sure the house was tidy for my dad coming home from work and dinner was on the table. Dad would come home and straight into the kitchen and give her a big cuddle and a kiss.

Every night, dinner was round the table and we were all forced to eat our vegetables. We all had to contribute to the discussion and bad moods were not tolerated.

We (her husband and kids) came first in everything. She literally walked around with holes in her shoes so we would have the gift of learning how to play a musical instrument.

In the end, I suppose she can be judged by her grown up children, how they have grown and the relationship she has with them.

We all have a very good relationship with her. We have all travelled, most have gone to uni/college etc. We all have a big love of learning and reading, music and interest in politics. Most of us have retained a faith of some sorts.

In terms of material success we have all done well some very well none badly.

Emotionally we all seem fairly well balanced, although not without our issues. Everyone seems happy with life. Everyone is married (or the last few are in long term rels with marriage on horizon) and married successfully (so far of course) and blessed with children.

She has been a wonderful role model for me and I am very lucky to have her.

My mum (and dad) gave us the security of unconditional love and in the end, have been great examples of love.

If she had a motto it was "better you cry now than I cry later" and so her boundaries were strict.

I don't think any one thing is important. I think as long as you are trying every day to be the best you can then you will do well.

My mum was excited for me was sad for me and generally was involved with my life, but never ever interfered.

she worried for me she loved me and she old me my baby was beautiful n hour after she was born

My mum and I are very close too, she was a fab mum and is now an amazing Grandmother. I recognise lots of the things other people have said, such as clear boundaries, always visably proud of me and never told me off in public.

But I think for me, the main thing I would say about our relationship was that my parents gave us a lot of time. Every week, we used to have a board evening night in winter, where we all spend family time and play games together. In the summer, we used to go out for lots of days out together as a family.

But we used ot have lots of girlie days too. Dad would take my bro off to football, or whatever, and mum and I would go off shopping. I still enjoy girlie days out with my mum, even now I'm in my 30s. Only now I take my 2 DDs, and they love it too! Lots of treats, chatting and just enjoying being in each other's company. I think this was most important during the teenage years, as it gave me chance to chat through things.

The other thing about my mum, was that although she was strict, she was always my advocate to the rest of the world.

My mum was a proper mum the kind you could rely on to always be there for you. It is only now as a mum myself that I look back and realise how selfless she was. Even now I still expect my mum to be able to sort things for me and she still does. I know that realistically I could never be the same as her (I am too selfish) but like to think that I have other strenghts that will compensate. I am sure you are doing great job doing what feels right for you.

Finding it really positive that so many parents overcame the bad parenting they received.

Found this older thread helpful on same subject:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/83235-if-you-have-a-good-relationship-with-your-mo ther-why

She taught me kindness, and forgiveness. She's like the best PR manager in the world.

She always makes an effort. I'm still learning every day from her about hard work, making an effort, trying when you don't want to. She leads by example. I learnt that you can be assertive and incredibly gentle at the same time from her.
Keeping a sense of humour when family life is very testing seems to be a big part of it too. Dinner and chat and laughter together every single night round the table. If one of us is being lazy/awful/mad it's brought up and discussed openly. We all acknowledge everyone has and needs secrets, but that the truth always outs, eventually.

Sometimes she hugs me and kisses the side of my cheek the way you kiss a baby's cheek repeatedly >nom nom nom nom nom

I'm sure I'll be repeating some things others have said. I love your question! It's great that you're thinking like this

My mother is crazy and wasn't a good parent. If your mum + mine could be blended into one, however, I suspect they'd make an ideal mother! She was good at 'being there', just shite at taking care of us. So, assuming you're brilliant at looking after their health & welfare, here are some of my mum's best points:

1] Being proud of everything we created. The walls were covered in our pictures, poems, paper sculptures & what-have-you.
2] Having fun with us. Very childlike herself, she joined in games and had superb ideas on how to make a 'ship' from a table and some boxes, for example.
3] Knowing the names & history of our toys - dolls' names, which toy house the toy lorry delivered to, stuff like that.
4] Really listening to our tales of what happened in our day - actually she just appeared to listen, but that's fine. She responded enthusiastically, asked more questions, etc, etc.
5] Touchy-feely. Very important for children.
6] Opening our minds. Answering questions with more leading questions, then pointing us to source the information for ourselves.
7] She did themed birthday parties for us, which our pals loved even though we were skint & there weren't any frills.
8] Not Mum, but my Granny did: special days, eg 'princess day' or 'soldier day', where one child gets to dress up, role-play & be special for one whole day (one child per day).
9] Treasure hunts - Easter egg hunts, and also on other occasions. You hide clues which lead to another clue ... and eventually to the 'treasure'.
10] Stories. Reading or inventing: stories are really important to kids, at bedtime and other times (in the car, for example).

Some things my mother did wrong:
1] Dismissing our distress - "You're not cold, that doesn't hurt" etc. She should have comforted us, without making a big deal of it.
2] Failing to accompany us to the doctor's, dentist, etc. We were scared on our own.
3] Not doing enough to help us get ready (we were always late and/or missing a crucial item).
4] Trying to limit our expectations. She did this from the best motives, but had the effect of making us feel doomed to failure.
5] Getting upset when we cried. That made us feel guilty as well as upset/in pain. A grown-up should be wise & safe, not more upset than the child!

Do you have a sense of fun; a sense of wonder, backtolife? Some parents have a fantastic instinct for the amazing place that is our world through a child's eyes. But this is by no means automatic. It is worth trying to explore it, though - both for your DC's sake, and your own. Reading children's fiction, and watching quality children's films with an open mind, can trigger your imagination in the most glorious ways.

Smile a lot, enjoy them, brush their hair gently, remember they are not small adults, try not to put their childish feelings down, welcome whatever they bring ... have fun

Can't even read this thread for obvious reasons.. mine was awful and I am a good Mum and love the kids I look after and adore being with them...as I said on another post, being a good Mum is not genetic...I look at other people and copy the things I like and ignore what I don't...I think that's a good way to go through life..just copy everyone's best bits!!

Making proper eye-contact when you talk with them - that really helps connect with a child's soul. Gives them value/sense of worth.

Taking genuine pleasure in who they are, and not just in what they can do.

Sharing clothes and make-up. Appreciating their indiviual style and spotting things they'd like in the shops.

I haven't read it, but this book comes highly recommended: "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk"

custardo, i love you!

What a great thread, thank you for everyone that's taken the time to articulate the things that made them feel loved as a child.

Having had a childhood that was all over the place in bits, I too had been struggling with the practicalities of how to be a good mum (in less than 6 months time) but now I can see that it's the simple things - the little things I've been dreaming about (the cuddles, being consistent, the experiences v the material, etc) that matter..in essence everything that I've been doing with my nieces & nephews for years - that are important. By conscious parenting, I'll hopefully break the cycle of some of my early childhood experiences.

Thanks so much - you've boosted my confidence & made my day.

My mum said she loved me a lot. She told me how beautiful and clever I was. She made me pretty dresses (which i duly ruined by climbing up trees and making mud houses). She was bloody superwoman - baking, and cooking, growing all our veg, keeping chooks and sheep and bees, making clothes and spinning and weaving wool from our sheep. She struggled to budget as there wasn't much money and frequently did without herself. She was quite a nervous insecure person and she could be snappy but I don't blame her for that - she had a hard life in many ways.

She had an very neglected childhood. Very sad. As did my dad in the way of the coolly distant upper-middle classes, but they were both hugely involved loving parents. And i will never cease to love and respect them both for what they did for us.

I have always felt very protective of mum because she seemed quite fragile, and found it hard to be totally easy with her. But we've come to a more easy relationship since my dad was ill - about time too as I'm 45

oh good thread

Very close to my Mum too. She was/is a single parent so we didn't grow up spoiled with material things but my sisters and I are still completely spoiled by her unconditional love and attention .
One particular demonstration of this was years ago when I was living up north and my boyfriend at the time left me (we lived together). I had cried to Mum on the phone for ages until she had to leave for work. I carried on with my day and was sitting crying in the bath several hours later when I heard my door go. There was my Mum. She had put the phone down, phoned in sick at work, chucked some stuff in a carrier bag and driven the 4 hours from Kent to be with me.
She loves me like no-one else and that's what matters.

Thanks for so many lovely mummy stories.

Lionstigers, I don't know what to say. I can only dream about having a mother like that. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Backtolife, Despite the fact I say that I have the best mum ever, and she was totally and utterly brilliant with us (see my previous post as to why). My mum looks back on she raised us and often says things like she wished she'd done X differently or had had more patience or anything. She thinks she made a lot of mistakes. I think if I can be half as good a mother as she was, I'll be happy.

Its not about being the perfect mother, its about loving your children unconditionally, and so long as they feel that - they'll be happy, no matter what.

Stay in touch with your children and stay alive! My mother is 87. About 20 years ago and more, our relationship was not so good (I was an adult) but we've both mellowed with age.

Just be there, and do what seems to be the right thing at the time. Reflect on decisions you've made to see if you would do the same again next time.

There is no ONE right way to be a parent, except that you should be there in body and in spirit (not necessarily 24/7 but most of the time).