Worst Week Ever

[WorstWeekEver]

I'm having the worst week ever......

I have 4 kids - eldest is 17 - she is slightly autistic (semantic pragmatic disorder).

She recently got a new boyfriend (1st serious boyfriend)... she met him through a friend at college on "facebook" or "texting" ... they decided they were in love and wanted to meet. I warned her it was a bit early to be telling each other they loved each other and to take things slower. They met - at our house - so dh and I could chaperone.... we were concerned by some of the texts she'd been sending - they were clearly planning on sleeping together - which seemed madness seeings they hadn't met before. The lad came over - was lovely - they liked each other very much. They met again the next weekend - and went off shopping in town together (only later turns out they went off in his car for a bit of nookie!)... they texted all the time - and he constantly told her how much he thought of her - then suggested they could get a flat together in a few months (he is 19 and working)... I wasn't sure at all about this plan - said things seemed to be moving very quickly - and this didn't seem normal.

The following weekend he cannot come to see her - he is working...

DD has by now organised some contraception (depo provera)... and is getting rather moody - quite down (no previous history of depression)....

On mon eve - of this week - the phone rings - it's a lad wanting to speak to dd - I take the phone to her room - and find her in a "state" (upset - agitated - and her hands covered in blood)... he has dumped her by text and won't talk to her - and she has cut herself and texted him back asking him to help her saying she wants to die if he doesn't want to see her anymore!

(all this from the first text to the dumping took only 3 weeks total - very fast moving and the first guy she slept with too - we advised her not to - and they just went ahead - she is 17 like I said so we felt it would be unreasonable for us to stop her going out shopping with him on a saturday morning - and this is when they chose to find the opportunity!).

I get her to dress and immediately take a taxi to a and e - leaving dh behing caring for our other 3 young children who are in bed sleeping.

at a and e she needs some stitches (she cut her arm on the inside - halfway between the wrist and elbow - through all the layers of skin - but thankfully has not hit an atery) and has to see a dr - about her feelings and intentions - and they discharge us with advice to see gp to organise some therapy/counselling.

It was 4.30am before we got home again. I'm emotionally drained and exhausted - no opportunity to catch up on sleep due to other children.

The whole week has been stressful - dh and I often argue anyway (mostly over silly little things) - but tonight I was rather bitchy - cross - tired.

He just walked out on me. I said this is not what I wanted and I'd rather we worked things out - but he told me to "f - off"

I get the feeling that this will be permenant.

I'm in a state of shock I don't know what to do.

I tried to phone him - but he rejected my call.

I think he'll be back to collect his stuff tomorrow - he said as much - I want to be out as I cannot face him unless he's cooled off and wants to talk and I don't want more upset infront of the other kids.

(he told DD2 - he would try to get a house near us so he could still see her - and gave ds a "fake" smile - said - "bye son - good luck to you").

I suppose I'm saying our relationship is not ideal - but not miserable either - just very up and down.

I would like to try counselling - but I don't believe dh will be willing - I think he's honestly had enough of me.

I'm feeling very sad and lonely. I can't talk to anyone.

I'm also worried because I don't have a job and don't know where me and the kids and I can live if dh and I really are split forever - and I think we are.

Eldest dd is upset by this also - as if her week wasn't traumatic enough. She's also expressed worry about having to leave college if this split is for real (I'm pretty sure it is - dh is not happy with me).

Oh this is awful, you poor thing. I don't know what to suggest.

I think it is quite likely that the depo injection affected your DDs mood. It is unfortunate with the injection that you can't take it out and have to wait for it to wear off. So difficult. I don't have any experience of people with autistic disorders so can't advise.

FWIW I do not think your DH really means it. He was probably just very stressed and scared about your DD. The way he said 'bye son' to your DS suggests that he is just trying to be tough. I am sure this isn't permanent.

Counselling is probably a good idea for yourself even if your DH won't entertain it.

Oh god..Poor you...all of you. Try samaritans to talk it over with someone tonight to help you through the rest of today. You are all in a dreadful situation but I feel that actually having a converstion with someone will be more helpful than typing here. xx

Samaritans 08457 90 90 90

I would call them - but I don't want dd to overhear - will have to wait til she is sleeping or something.

I did talk briefly to my sister (but she lives abroad).

I can't call my mum - she has neuralgia in branch 1 (worst kind apparently) and she's having a bad time with it now - and stress will make it worse. Dad's dead (killed by drunk driver when I was 15).

I'm struggling to appear positive or "happy" infront of kids to stop them worrying.

I would like to think dh would cool off and consider counselling -but he's not really like that - his mum is on her 3rd marriage and his dad on his 2nd marriage - so I think he will not want to work things out - particularly as he nearly left me when I was 20 weeks preg with ds (now 18m old)... when the drs thought I had cervical cancer (turns out I didn't).. there was too much stress then too - made the bickering worse - and he said he'd had enough then.

I don't normally smoke - but I had a couple of cigarettes tonight - thout it might make me feel a bit better.... now I feel guilty for that too.

FGS I'm 38 - I should be more grown up and cope with this better - but it really hurts. I'm just very very sad. I'm sorry I was such a bitch to dh - but I cannot even tell him that - and even if I could he'd not listen because he's had enough.

It's like I'm trying to self - destruct because nothing good ever lasts anyway or something.

Thank you for replying - I guess I just wanted to "say" it all out loud.

Does anyone know where I can find out how to sort out housing/money - I will assume I won't get anything from dh - he is on a low wage and couln't afford to support 2 households (guess he's been feeling pretty much trapped knowing that).

What?? I think he's behaving appallingly! Where has he gone? You have 4 kids, one of them with current major issues, and he's just walked out? Bloody hell.
I mean, he might not be entirely cool with his relationship with you, but his behaviour leaving his kids is...weird.
Please don't feel you can't talk to anyone. Of course you can. Well, you can talk to us. >hug<
And loneliness is awful, but it is just a state of mind, and you can find help and friendship but you do have to look for it. Have you got anyone in real life you can chat to? Hope you're ok. Please don't feel you're alone.

ring them later if you feel they can help...that is why they are there 24/7. You are thinking far to far ahead. Try to get some sleep so you have energy for tomorrow.xx

worstweek, am so sorry, how awful, what a terrible week.

not sure I can add to the good advice already posted but please keep posting...even if it's just to vent.

The semantic pragmatic disorder - it's a speech and language disorder - affects her understanding of written or spoken language - also body language and also relationships/logic. It's honestly quite mild - and not an intelligence thing at all - just it does affect relationships - she doesn't really get sarcasm - takes things very literally - sometimes takes the wrong meaning of things, I think this coupled with the lad being quite naive inexperienced in relationships himself - and the effect the depot had on her - all had an accumulative effect.

DH is dd1's step-father (since age 7) - not her natural father - he seems to think she is not depressed - but did it more for attention to get her own way - and is annoyed that she is getting a lot of attention now as a result!
So I disagree with this view point - esp as she's not had any counselling or real assesement of her emotions/actions at this stage - he couldn't understand the next day I'm watching telly with her and I'm deliberately making a few (poor) jokes to try to make her feel light-hearted about the prog - and cheer her up a bit - and she responds - then he thinks - well if I can get her to laugh/smile she can't possibly be depressed.

I noticed about 3 days after the depot shot she became moody - like she normally is for the day before her period - but consistently - for the next couple of weeks.
GP advises no more depot for her - she chose that because she struggles with organisation/memory - and thought she might keep forgetting to take the pill.

DH and I often argue over the kids - he's happy to let them watch telly while we clean up the house on a saturday (all the chores I didn't get finished during the week) - whereas I'd rather they went out first and I'm not to fussed if the chores are not done - I accept with 4 kids it's going to be a bit untidy. I would first take them out for a trip to the beach or the park then tidy up when we get home after they've been exercised ... I will sit dd2 or 3 on the naughty mat for 5 or 6 mins - or take a toy if they're playing up (after a warning) whereas he'll take a toy and say they're not getting it back til xmas (then give it backa week later!)..or try to send dd's to their rooms for an hour!! He says I'm to soft - I say he's to hard.. so hence the usual general bickering.

I'd say you are more right in the way you handle stuff but listen, I am just off to sleep but didn't want you to think I'd just disappeared so you try to do the same..xx

Thanks for letting me vent.

I don't want to bother the real life friends who are local - as they are part of happy couples - and I don't want to disturb them or upset their friday eve.

I texted one friend -she said she'll take me into town after half term If I need to visit the council offices (think she meant ref housing).

Forgot to say - dh has crohns - is coming down off a course of steriods, so may be somewhat depressed himself. I think if he goes to his mums or his brothers they may encourage him to leave me - I don't think they really warm to me - I put on weight after having the kids and haven't lost it (about 3 stones) - and they see me as fat and lazy, because the house is constantly untidy when they visit - they know dh can't stand the untidiness - so I guess that makes them mad at me - I'm a sahm.

I walk the kids to school and back each day (I don't drive because I haven't passed my driving test - I'm actually not keen on being a driver seeings my dad was killed by a drunk driver - I don't drink but just worry if I was driving and made a mistake - I KNOW how much that could f**k up someone elses life.... I don't feel confident that I'd be good at driving).

the walk there and home again takes just over an hour - then I clean, do laundry, play with ds (even though dh thinks I should put him in the playpen and get on with more tidying/cleaning because that's what he would do priorities etc)....

After the kids have their tea - I get them to bed - I like him to do it if he's home on time because I'm fairly tired out by then!

DD1's college is a fair distance away - she gets the college coach there at 7am and gets home again 7pm.

Stop now...you are making yourself dizzy going round and round in circles and you need your head to be calmer to sleep...You have got such a lot on your plate. I'd make you a hot chocolate if I could...just putting the kettle on now... would offer a biscuit but seeing as I also need to lose weight, I ate the rest of the packet earlier to start another diet tomorrow!!!
Sleep well...speak again tomorrow x

worstweek, I'm going off on a tangent now...

I am so sorry about your dad's death and I can imagine that it must affect you for the rest of your life but, (and I may be totally out of order here) I don't think you should allow it to stop you from learning to drive. There are wonderful schools out there and possibilities of learning to drive to a higher level after passing your initial test.

the tragedy of your dad's death does not need to become yours. Would your Dad, if he were here, want you to learn to drive?

thanks mrs poppins / mumonthenet...will try to get some sleep and think of outing for kids tomorrow.

WWE - I would really try to put your DH out of your mind and concentrate on your DD completely.

Been up since 6am - don't know what to do... I want to run away.

Think I will pop round to the local coop and see if I can apply for the job I saw going there - no guarantee I'd get it - but it was 39 hpw - afternoons and eves.

How do I organise childcare? I don't have any money - I don't have a car (to transport them anywhere), I don't have family friends nearby that could take care of the kids...

The only jobs open to me would be ones I can walk to from home - so only shop work really..

I've got to try though - my kids need financial support and I will need to work to keep them in the family home as I said dh doesn't earn enough to support 2 households - so I'll have to do my bit.

It just seems to impossible - but thousands of women do it and cope somehow - think I just need some practical advice on housing/finances - how to pay for childcare etc.

Also keeping a close eye on dd1 and making sure she is okay - and can continue with college etc...

I'm not on for long but thought I'd just pop in to see how you are...you are going way to fast in your thinking..a million miles too fast...job? house? Divorce? You need to really slow down and get some face to face advice. Citizen advice an option...don't go rushing headlong into stuff without properly figuring it all out first. x

Mrs Poppins is absolutely right - slow down. There is no need to make any of these decisions right now - understandably you are panicking but please take a few deep breaths. Your priority,as I see it, is your daughter at the moment - she needs your support and, although you may not feel up to it, right now she really needs you. x

I really really feel for you. You're a good mum. He should be ashamed of himself for walking out like that. Look after yourself, you're very important to your kids. Don't feel guilty about having the odd fag.I think you're amazing coping with 4 kids and a selfish H.

You'll get through somehow and please ask your friends to help you, you can't do it all on your own. No one can You're doing well. Keep calm and carry on.

Sending you love and warm wishes.xxx

This all sounds horrible. Where has your H wanting to leave come from? Any signs before or is he taking the opportunity to blame it on your dd and go now?

H nearly left when i was preg with ds. The whole preg was stress with unexplained bleeding. Then i had a Colposcopy and they thought there was a tumour, and went for biopsy. . Just before biopsy i was quite emotional. I had fertility treatment to get preg. They were talking termination and cancer treatment, i didn't want biopsy because of slight miscarriage risk. So was ratty and hard to get along with hence him wanting to leave then. He did go for a night but came back next day.

has he contacted you?
(i am mum to 3 boys with aspergers...so understand the SemantPrag a bit.)

Also agree with others telling you to 'slow down'.

I read your first post and felt so much for you.

Focus on YOU and your children....and keep posting.

typing on here is theraputic...tho sometimes when i type i am crying as its often the 1st time i am admitting how i feel- and by posting it- am making it official.

take care

He has contacted me now. He's at his (divorced) brothers. He said he would come tomorrow at 8 to talk and i should make sure kids in bed.
I said he better explain situation to his dad /step mum and see if they'll babysit and we could meet earlier than 8 and on neutral ground. He has agreed and we're now meeting at 5.

I'm so mad he went on and on about all my faults and why he can't take much more of me. Said I'll need to go to bed earlier (than 10.30ish), stay off fb. Bin my mobile. Tidy and clean more Blah Blah. Basically comply or he won't come back. I asked if he was coming home sun too but he doesn't know yet. Depends on our talk.

Hasn't even asked how kids are. Dd2 anxious he'd promised her a watch for her birthday, but said "daddy won't be here for my birthday now, will you get me the watch mummy. It's black I'll show you which one it's in argos it won't be too much money. Daddy might send me a card?"

She also said how the baby won't remember his dad much so shouldn't be as sad as her. Said we'd have to show him pics of them together to remind him they did like each other. Baby pointing out window saying "daddy ga" (car). He's not very verbal so making big effort to say it. He adores his dad.
Dd3 sad but not talking much.
H told me to have a good think and write any points i wanted to raise down in prep for talk.

And all the while i'm trying to keep dd1 communicating and offer her support and opportunity to talk. She's quite withdrawn.
We are all so very unhappy.