Worst Week Ever

[WorstWeekEver]

I'm having the worst week ever......

I have 4 kids - eldest is 17 - she is slightly autistic (semantic pragmatic disorder).

She recently got a new boyfriend (1st serious boyfriend)... she met him through a friend at college on "facebook" or "texting" ... they decided they were in love and wanted to meet. I warned her it was a bit early to be telling each other they loved each other and to take things slower. They met - at our house - so dh and I could chaperone.... we were concerned by some of the texts she'd been sending - they were clearly planning on sleeping together - which seemed madness seeings they hadn't met before. The lad came over - was lovely - they liked each other very much. They met again the next weekend - and went off shopping in town together (only later turns out they went off in his car for a bit of nookie!)... they texted all the time - and he constantly told her how much he thought of her - then suggested they could get a flat together in a few months (he is 19 and working)... I wasn't sure at all about this plan - said things seemed to be moving very quickly - and this didn't seem normal.

The following weekend he cannot come to see her - he is working...

DD has by now organised some contraception (depo provera)... and is getting rather moody - quite down (no previous history of depression)....

On mon eve - of this week - the phone rings - it's a lad wanting to speak to dd - I take the phone to her room - and find her in a "state" (upset - agitated - and her hands covered in blood)... he has dumped her by text and won't talk to her - and she has cut herself and texted him back asking him to help her saying she wants to die if he doesn't want to see her anymore!

(all this from the first text to the dumping took only 3 weeks total - very fast moving and the first guy she slept with too - we advised her not to - and they just went ahead - she is 17 like I said so we felt it would be unreasonable for us to stop her going out shopping with him on a saturday morning - and this is when they chose to find the opportunity!).

I get her to dress and immediately take a taxi to a and e - leaving dh behing caring for our other 3 young children who are in bed sleeping.

at a and e she needs some stitches (she cut her arm on the inside - halfway between the wrist and elbow - through all the layers of skin - but thankfully has not hit an atery) and has to see a dr - about her feelings and intentions - and they discharge us with advice to see gp to organise some therapy/counselling.

It was 4.30am before we got home again. I'm emotionally drained and exhausted - no opportunity to catch up on sleep due to other children.

The whole week has been stressful - dh and I often argue anyway (mostly over silly little things) - but tonight I was rather bitchy - cross - tired.

He just walked out on me. I said this is not what I wanted and I'd rather we worked things out - but he told me to "f - off"

I get the feeling that this will be permenant.

I'm in a state of shock I don't know what to do.

I tried to phone him - but he rejected my call.

I think he'll be back to collect his stuff tomorrow - he said as much - I want to be out as I cannot face him unless he's cooled off and wants to talk and I don't want more upset infront of the other kids.

(he told DD2 - he would try to get a house near us so he could still see her - and gave ds a "fake" smile - said - "bye son - good luck to you").

I suppose I'm saying our relationship is not ideal - but not miserable either - just very up and down.

I would like to try counselling - but I don't believe dh will be willing - I think he's honestly had enough of me.

I'm feeling very sad and lonely. I can't talk to anyone.

I'm also worried because I don't have a job and don't know where me and the kids and I can live if dh and I really are split forever - and I think we are.

Eldest dd is upset by this also - as if her week wasn't traumatic enough. She's also expressed worry about having to leave college if this split is for real (I'm pretty sure it is - dh is not happy with me).

I am so sorry. How unbelievably hard for you.

Sorry, I can't be of much help. But you have my support fwiw. Keep posting.

Can't imagine how hard it must have been to hear those words from your dc.

I know it is not that helpful to hear, but he is really behaving appallingly callously towards the children and you. Has he ever been supporting in times of stress?

Sometimes he has - I really wonder if he needs some counselling about his own behaviour / emotions.

When I first met him he smoked marjuana recreationally - and I've noted at some times of stress - he has sought out and smoked it - and while at the time of smoking it - it appeared to calm him and help him - I did find he appeared more emotional and his behaviour more unreasonable towards me in the following days - and I did tell him this - and suggest it was not a good idea - so as far as I'm aware he hasn't had any for a couple of years - but I do think he was smoking it around the time a couple of years ago when I was preg with ds (our youngest) through those problems. Just a small amount very occasionally. It may be the problems that were really causing the "bad behaviour" (leaving - then issuing ultimatums and conditions for his return).

I am due to meet him in 12 hours now... I haven't made "notes" as he suggested - or gottem more sleep either.

Should I call off the meeting telling him I need more time to think - this is not the first time he has put me through this - and on this occasion he has involved the children (flouncing out telling all he is leaving - then having a quiet word with dd2 (his first child) saying he would try to live near her so he could see her. The fake smile at ds (18m - so not verbal yet - but still I'm sure he reads bodylanguage and is aware of conflict/unhappiness) and telling ds "good luck to you" - yes this was done in the heat of the moment - but it's just not grown up rational behaviour.

I did bring this up on the phone to him yesterday in the one conversation ((mostly 1 sided lecture from him to me venting all his frustrations about everything I do wrong and what I need to fix - which included going to bed at 9pm every day - he'd even give up smoking (fags) if I did that for a week (he states my tiredness as one of the major issues) and staying off mumsnet (I'm not a regular poster here at all - come occasionally to read mostly but do get the mumsnet email into our inbox which prob has given him the wrong impression - and he wants me to stay off facebook (I do check in a few times a day for a bit of company - and to keep contact with my sister and cousins - who'm I don't speak to at all often - finding talking on the phone while caring for young children a challenge - so do the odd text to fb via my mobile (maybe 5 times a day - just a few mins each time)...he said to bin my phone.))

DH states that i provoked his behaviour and it's down to me that he did this.

I feel very resentful that he has had a weekend away from it all to "think it through" talk with his brother (slightly biased person perhaps?), and told me to get early nights - think, make notes ready to prepare for our meeting.... meanwhile I am left caring for our children reeling emotionally - with virtually nobody to talk too - certainly no support from close family nearby - my sister who is abroad is doing what she can talking on the phone - but I dont' have 24 hour company / support like he has right now.

I do think his coming down off steroids is affecting him - although he will no doubt think this is only playing a minor part - but the last time he got like this he was also coming down off steroids (20mg per day for 2 weeks - to treat some horrendous leg ulcers - a side effect of having crohns disease). However some of it is his personality.

He himself lived through his parents divorce at age 14 - and was living on his own with brother at 18. I know he really wished they hadn't split and had made more effort to stay together. His mother is now on her 3rd marriage and his dad on his 2nd marriage. This is my 2nd marriage (1st to dd1's father split while I was 6m preg with her - after finding out he had a child with someone he'd had an affair with while I was engaged to him - the other girl (16y) had been preg at the same time as me - I had lost my baby she's had hers - he'd abandoned her and stuck with me not telling me any of this - and I had gotten preg again (with dd1) and found out courtesy of a letter from the csa that he owed maintenance to child with other girl - so I challenged him on what went on - things got nasty - he became violent - I called my family and they came and "rescued" me and so I did the last 3m of dd1s preg at my mums and had her and raised her myself for the first 7y - til I met current dh.

god this is getting long-winded....!

I had to listen to dd2 crying herself to sleep last night - she didn't even manage sleep til around midnight.

Had to do the tooth fairy for dd3 myself (normally dh's role)...didn't even have any cash so had to "borrow" from her own piggybank to pay it - and hope to goodness she doesn't look in her piggybank and discover the toothfairy did that!!! I will of course get to the shop tomorrow and replace toothfairy borrowings tomorrow...

I'm considering what is the fastest way to get passports for my kids and I (we don't have any as usually cannot afford holidasy) and see if I can get a cheap flight to myy sisters place (we've never been there before) and wondring if I could do all this on my cc - to hell with the debt - because I need to be with my family - and my mum is not available due to her nuralgia and I can't talk to her about anything stressful.
I have another sister - but she's got 4 young kids herself and I feel I cannot dump on her.

does the passport office in london issue 1st passports in a day - and do they take credit? I myself dont' have an up to date passport - and I don't have a driver license (usual form of identity) so I'm going to find all this forms (for 5 people) an immense challenge as it is - but I must try!!!

I feel like the kids and I need a change of scene and to get away.

WorstWeek, I absolutely think you should cancel the meeting and tell him you need more time. He is behaving appallingly, and he's using the threat of him leaving to try and pull you into line.

Him telling his daughter that he's off, and saying goodbye to his son, that is an absolute fuckwit move. If you have marital problems you keep them away from the kids, you don't dramatically bid your own children farewell. The poor things! He really doesn't care, does he, he just wants to make a point.

You should go to bed earlier and stay off the internet and not use your mobile phone? FFS! - so basically he wants you to have no friends, no company, and devote your whole life to him and the way he wants the household run.

And he almost left you when you were pregnant with his child because you thought you had cancer and it was a 'bit stressful'?

That's totally out of line. It's utterly appalling, I am furious that he thinks this is okay. Please tell him you need more time to think through this relationship. Don't let him call all the shots like this. This is not the actions of a normal, reasonable man who has his family's interests at heart.

From getting a job to now going abroad, all in the space of a couple of days...look, you need to slow right down and give your children some calm and normality as best you can at the moment...getting out for some walks/parks...stuff doesn't need to cost. You are just throwing yourself headlong into ideas which keep you unfocused and confused. You do need to meet up but at home, over a coffee. Keep it relaxed...he said I said...it is very hard to see an unbiased side from a forum like this but one thing is for absolutely sure...you have children who need stability and love...aim for that first.

Thanks tortoiseonthehalfshell - I think the line he basically wants you to have no friends and no company and devote your whole life to him and the way he wants to run the household is ringing in my ears...

I think that sums it up in a way I couldn't through all the problems - it really doesn't make me happy - he's trying to put it accross that this is what's best for my family - and that I'm currently failing them - because I'm too disorganised and not regimented enough. He firmly beleives everything must be in a strict routine for things to run smoothly. I just can't live like that really I can't.
The kids always have clean clothes and their hair done and are well fed - and I like to do activities with them and take them out - as a priority over housework - I DO clean - there is often clutter and untidiness - ffs - there are 6 of us in a 3 bed terraced house with loft conversion adding 2 rooms - so all kids have own rooms - but it's still a small house iyswim.

I tried phoning him again yest afternoon - but he wouldn't pick up nor call back. I'm not happy at being blanked.

I'm not happy he's talking "us" over with his brother - when ffs - it's US that need to communicate together - and really he's behaved appallingly to the children.

Poor dd1 has enough on her plate - at 17 - I think she'd be happy if he stayed away after doing this - but she said she wants her sisters/brother not to grow up without a dad.(as she had 1st 7y on her own with me - and feels she missed out with her biological father never having contact with her - his choice).

I feel my children are my priority here - (naturally!)..

I do feel he is calling all the shots - which is infuriating me - it's like the - listen - I may move back depending on how our talks go - maybe not - (does this mean if he thinks I will make more effort to comply with his rules)..

I would feel differently if he'd said "I need time to think but I'll come home on sunday and we'll talk and see how we can make things better and get counselling and both of us make more effort to get along but I will be staying we will get through this"...

All I've heard from his is the list of his gripes with me - not once has he said "well, I know you don't like when I do this - or say that so I will also try to change"...only "You must do things this way and not do that and go to bed earlier".....

Mrs Poppins - I was unsure about him coming to the house - as he was not sure he would be returning to live here this sun - or rather he was unwilling to comit that pror to talks (although I suspect that is his intention)
I thought his idea of us meeting at home at 8 after kids were in bed was not on - as he was dictating to me what was going to happen - as if I had no choice - and also because I knew particularly dd2 would be out of bed like a shot upon hearing him come in and if the talks didn't go his way - he would perhaps "flounce out" AGAIN - and within earshot of the kids. Putting them through that again.
I am inclined NOT to bring our youngest with me to the meeting (youngest is normally never left with anyone)...even though I know baby will be upset at being left - because I feel like keeping the kids away from him til I talk and know more his state of mind.
I can't tell how much of this is just him - how much his illness/coming down off steroids in the last week. He's alwasy had a tendancy to be controlling and boss us all about. I usually cope fine as it's only little things - and I stick up for myself well. He would view this as argumentative - maybe it is - but I'm 38 - I won't be told by my husband the best way to wash up/ fold clothes/ parent.

okay - being told how to parent my own kids is NOT a little thing... but mostly it's little things - stupid things - and I don't know why he feels the need to go on and on and on - I even joke and say - no I'm happy doing it my way - even if it isn't the most efficient manner in your view!
He insists he's trying to help me - I find it condescending.

Steroids affect mood and aggression, they don't make someone suddenly decide that unless the world is ordered to their liking they get to opt out.

He's controlling as hell, WWE. You shouldn't have to stick up for yourself all the time! It's not normal to have to push back at a controlling man all the time.

He wants you under his thumb, without friends or independence and he's happy to make his kids feel awful and abandoned to try and get his way.

Stop trying to call him. Let him call you. Tell him you need some time and let's meet in a week. Show him you're an actual person not a domestic appliance.

Hi, just an update. He's back home. For now. We're supposed to be working things out. Although how or when i don't know. I wrote out a schedule for the family at his request. (Basically just wrote what happens anyway but put precise times on it. He accused me of downloading it off the web! Then said we were supposed to discuss it first. :-S he went out to watch the football at the pub last night so no discussion/talks. His mum is now involved too. Spoke to her today. She's being supportive.

This is all a long way from being fixed. I don't trust him now. He's spoken more to his brother and his mum. I feel his airing our dirty laundry to his family who will naturally side with him while i'm left alone with the kids. I feel betrayed.

Have just read through this thread and I am shocked and angry for you! Has he apologised for leaving you in the lurch with 4 dcs all upset, blanking your calls, and then knocking your self esteem even further by listing all of your faults and how you should be doing things his way or the highway??

Is your relationship usually good really?? Or is it just quiet spaces in between the rows where he is still resentful of the way you do things, and you know this but carry on, waiting for him to bring up all your faults again.

I hope your eldest DD is doing okay, my son is on the spectrum so know how much you must be feeling for her, you worry that bit more about them as they find little things we take for granted and understand naturally baffling and upsetting.