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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finally he owns up to the issue which has caused our relationship to be in almost constant turmoil

37 replies

hobbgoblin · 11/02/2010 00:50

I stuck with it depsite many mnetters advising me to tell him to fuck off. We had a very good patch almost uninterrupted by arguments but recently the 'it's over' moments followed by reconciliations have returned.

He goes off on one because I didn't terminate our accidental pregnancy. He thinks I got pregnant for financial gain.

That's me who has not taken any child maintenance in the 7 months of our DD's life and who now, finally, is getting a car in ;lieu of maintenance. The car arrives next week and as the arrangements are being drawn to a close with the vehicle he goes all arsey and culminates in saying it is over for good between us because he will forever resent me for having DD and not completing the termination.

He is so consumed with rage about the darin on his finances he is accusing me of all sorts and being really vile which is very hard to witness after a period of loveliness.

How can he love DD and always want to be with her but still resent me for having her? How can you resent someone for bringing something into your life that you clearly adore?

It's my birthday treat on Saturday and it's just going to be miserable now.

Can I say cunt?

OP posts:
jasper · 11/02/2010 00:55

DO you live with this delightful charmer?
Are you married to him?

SolidGoldBrass · 11/02/2010 00:56

Of course you can. Now say SHITBAG, KNOBJOCKEY and COCKLODGER.

And, even though it hurts now, hold this one thought - you don't have to put up with any more crap from him, you don't have to ever scrub his skiddy pants again or fake orgasm.

Original poster
hobbgoblin · 11/02/2010 00:58

No. He is divorced twice - I was 3rd in the firing line, but only as a DP not a DW.

He lives in the same village above his business premises.

Was working nicely, his DC and mine get along wondefully - I have a very close bond with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
hobbgoblin · 11/02/2010 01:01

Hi SGB. While he was ranting down the phone about my abuse of his trust, his money, blah blah I was saying 'would you like your DD to hear a recording of this in 10 years time you stupid imbecile?'. (ob. I wouldn't subject her to such) You see, he thinks that it is okay to resent me for allowing him the delight and pride of having a wonderful daughter whilst simultaneously complaining of the drain on his finances that she inevitably is.

Is it just me or are the two perceptions of the situation not mutually exclsuive?

OP posts:
jasper · 11/02/2010 01:08

Please tell me he is your ex

Original poster
hobbgoblin · 11/02/2010 01:16

As of today (about 2 hours ago) and according to him. I don't know if I feel entirely glad yet. He is prone to ranting and raving when his poor sorry little life gets too much for him and I don't bend over backwards enough for him.

God I am angry. Shame the anger will be replaced by sadness soon. As with all similar relationships, it's painful remembering and missing the nice stuff.

If he would stop being Mr chip on his shoulder it would be alright. Everything else is alright but the money thing eats at him like anything. I only excuse the ranting because he is emotionally unintelligent and I tolerate that this is his way of dealing with things as it is all he knows.

He doesn't treat me like crap all the time but the accusations and stuff he has just said out of frustration and anger tonight have gone a bit far for my tolerance levels.

Not to mention he has done the ending of the relationship, not me so it's not like I have any say in this anyway.

OP posts:
jasper · 11/02/2010 01:19

DO you want to be with someone who is emotionally unintelligent?

Remember, a kick in the arse is a step forward.

COnsider your arse kicked

jasper · 11/02/2010 01:20

In a nice way!

Original poster
hobbgoblin · 11/02/2010 01:28

Possibly not. However, he has good traits that balance my own bad and vice versa.

I can't actually decide (as if I have a choice ) whether his limited emotional repertoire when it comes to disagreements is a deal breaker. I had been thinking not but he lets it become so.

We disagree, he doesn't have the skills to deal with the lack of harmony so we separate temporarily. That is the usual run of things. We have been together for 2.5 years now.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 11/02/2010 01:39

What a knob. What a total knob.
All I can advise is: engage as little as possible. Handovers through a third party, an email to tell him that you only want to hear from him about necessary matters and that if he carries on being a pest then all contact with you will be through a third party as well.

BitOfFun · 11/02/2010 01:48

Hobb, he is just never going to make you happy. What can I say? You would be so much better off if you could break this cycle with him and leave him to stew in his own fuckwittery.

Original poster
hobbgoblin · 11/02/2010 01:51

Okay, he's a knob and I have spent far too long excusing it.

I spend hours and hours helping him out. All for nothing. He gets fucks when and how he wants. Is quite crap in bed, frankly, though I have NEVER told him this and let him believe otherwise.

He has zilch parenting skills, criticises everybody whilst being far from perfect himself.

Is greedy, selfish, mercenary and lacks eloquence in a big way.

He has a blob on his testicles so he has hairy, ugly blobby testicles.

And has had a bogey on the nose hair of his left nostril all day which I didn't tell him about. So, ex-DP you looked like a snot bag all day. Good.

Oh, and you look like a gay man in your wellies - two of my friends mentioned it - which you will HATE as you are such a hetero stud. Not.

OP posts:
Original poster
hobbgoblin · 11/02/2010 01:55

BoF. I am so so soooooooo prone to excusing his crapness because he is alarmingly lovely when he wants to be.

I can't even feck him off as a charmer because it isn't that. I don't know what it is. I feel I need to categorise him in order to let go but all the cliches I can think of don't fit.

He isn't cheating, he isn't using me. I don't know what he is doing. All I know is he is treating me badly some of the time and very lovingly the rest of it but for a reason I don't understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
hobbgoblin · 11/02/2010 01:56

Maybe it is just his anger. Simply that. And whilst he does care for me greatly much of the time, I am also his scape goat.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 11/02/2010 02:18

Hobbgoblin, he is a wanker who thinks that he is a person and you are just a woman and therefore don't matter. He will NEVER change, so the only thing you can do is change your response. If you don't feel able to cut contact completely, try saying 'I'm not interested.' and either putting the phone down or walking away when he starts.

Original poster
hobbgoblin · 11/02/2010 02:21

I am going to be fit for nothing tomorrow but can't sleep.

When I wake up I won't be mad I will be desperate and sad.

Do you really think it's misogyny?

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 11/02/2010 02:40

Yep. You are the evil woman who trapped him into pregnancy for financial gain. That's a CLASSIC misogynist trope.

Original poster
hobbgoblin · 11/02/2010 03:05

Thanks tortoise.

Everything is somebody else's fault. Mine most of the time.

Because he believes his own crap I feel sorry for him instead of hating him and keep waiting for his day of enlightenment.

I am the sort of person that tries to make the other person see sense and realise they are going to die lonely and unhappy due to their warped views rather than leaving them to stew in those warped views alone while I get on with being happy

OP posts:
Alambil · 11/02/2010 03:43

hobb, you need to change that mentality; that will only bring you heartach

get angry at him; how DARE he treat you and the kids that way? how bloody dare he?

leaving will hurt for a while, but eventually you'll realise and know that life withOUT such a prick present is MILES better and the kids could still have a relationship with him, if he wants, because that'll be his choice.

and if he chooses not to, then it's his loss. not the childrens', because who needs a flake as a "father" in their lives? No-one.

but you have GOT to stop feeling sorry for him and trying to change him. You can not change a person - you can only change yourself and ensure your own happiness (long term - ignoring the short term pain of leaving, for now)

echt · 11/02/2010 07:09

Hobgoblin, imagine your DD coming to you with such a tale of woe.

You'd have his nadgers for ollies. Possibly not the blobby one.

Kick the fecker to the kerb.

Original poster
hobbgoblin · 11/02/2010 09:15

As predicted I feel horrendous this morning.

I am immune to all logic and am failing my children and myself, frankly.

OP posts:
Original poster
hobbgoblin · 11/02/2010 09:16

The fact that I haven't had a happy birthday since the age of 13 is testament to my uselessness and pointlessness really. It obviously isn't going to get any better because I don't have what it takes to make it so.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 11/02/2010 09:23

hobb

Alambil · 11/02/2010 09:26

oh hobb

you are not useless or pointless ... I think you've probably had a lot in the past, but would a bit of counselling help? someone to talk about the stuff back then and present?

SolidGoldBrass · 11/02/2010 09:31

You know, quite a lot of the way you are feeling now is down to this man's horrible behaviour. He needs to be nasty to you to make himself feel better. That's a shitty way to treat another person. While you can;t stop him trying to hurt you, it will help you get stronger if every time he says something horrible you at least think to yourself 'That's you being a sexist wanker again matey, not my problem'.