Finally he owns up to the issue which has caused our relationship to be in almost constant turmoil

[hobbgoblin]

I stuck with it depsite many mnetters advising me to tell him to fuck off. We had a very good patch almost uninterrupted by arguments but recently the 'it's over' moments followed by reconciliations have returned.

He goes off on one because I didn't terminate our accidental pregnancy. He thinks I got pregnant for financial gain.

That's me who has not taken any child maintenance in the 7 months of our DD's life and who now, finally, is getting a car in ;lieu of maintenance. The car arrives next week and as the arrangements are being drawn to a close with the vehicle he goes all arsey and culminates in saying it is over for good between us because he will forever resent me for having DD and not completing the termination.

He is so consumed with rage about the darin on his finances he is accusing me of all sorts and being really vile which is very hard to witness after a period of loveliness.

How can he love DD and always want to be with her but still resent me for having her? How can you resent someone for bringing something into your life that you clearly adore?

It's my birthday treat on Saturday and it's just going to be miserable now.

Can I say cunt?

Hobb, is he an arse to other people in his life? Does he behave like this with his friends, family, colleagues? Is this failure to take responsibility something which filters down in to his whole life?

Hobb there is a reason he was divorced twice. You deserve more and so does your DD.

Stay strong and stay away.

He sounds obsessed by money and frankly you really do not want to live with someone that mean for the rest of your life. Esp someone who cannot see that having a loving partner and gorgeous DD is worth more than any money in his bank account.

Hi Hob...the minute I read your post I thought..."that's C&D's marriage"

My mum's best friend, when I was growing up, had a marriage like this.

Everything that went wrong was her fault, and so were the kids, everything they did wrong was because she was a crap mother etc etc. This went on for years. Anyway, the eldest daughter was exceptionally bright and won a scholarship to Oxbridge and hundreds of school prizes so they all went to the prize giving and he started off boasting about his amazing daughter, how much she meant to him and how it was all down to him encouraging her...until my mum's friend just exploded and said "how dare you go on like this, for 18 years it's all been down to me, and suddenly when she's getting her pictures in the paper and won prizes, suddenly she's YOUR daughter and it's all down to you." There was then a huge embarassed silence and the daughter piped up "yes dad, you never helped me one bit, it was all down to mum."

As soon as I read your post I thought that's your bloke, I bet he's like that.

I concur with the posters who say this man is awful and you need to leave.

yes he is like this to and about others. he feels very sorry for himself all the time. fair enough, he hasn't been fortunate in many instances but what he does have he seems ungrateful for. he is doing better than me financially despite being under huge financial pressure currently. i'm under financial strain too but i don't expect him to feel sorry for me or guilty for that.

because i had dd that makes me culpable in his eyes.

i have done endless work for him for nothing and he says he appreciates this whilst at the same time accusing me of taking every penny i can. however stupid he may be, how does he make that add up in his head?

me, my sister, in fact all my family are generous to a fault and are very sincere people. my dad worked for him with me in december for a whole day in the freezing cold as part of setting up a subsidiary business. dp's brother joined us and took 10 quid an hour. me and my dad refused payment. this is who i am so why the accusations of gold digging?

i am not the cow bag he wants me to be. why does he want me to be that woman when it is plain that i am not?

i don't understand his psychology and i find it difficult to do anything other than blame myself in situations i cannot rationalise.

i feel very much at fault as this is not my first failed relationship either.

Firstly - YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT!!!!!!!

Secondly he is like that about money because that is who he is and what he is and what his entire family are like by the sounds of things. You can't and won't change that. But if you are totally not like that then you can't live with it either.

An adult with a failed relationship? Surely Not! Let's tie you to a pole and whip you, woman.

If we didn't all have failed relationships, we'd be stuck with the first knob we went out with.

He sounds dreadfully immature and really not worthy of your love.

Baby steps hobb. Stop focusing on how a supportive loving DP would make you happy - it probably would, but it's not acheivable today.

I wasted a lot of time waiting for useless men to see the light... sometimes I thought the sheer power of my logic would make them see how they would be much happier if they just stopped being such a wanker.. It never worked - not for me anyway...

You're obviously not useless. I think you should focus your effort on small things for yourself that you would like. A nice walk with or without the kids... a swim... making a nice family supper or a cake... buying a good book or borrow from the library and curling up to read it and ignoring the cleaning... whatever it is that gives you a little boost... I found if I did one of these things every day, even if I didn't really have the energy/heart for it... it did make things seem better...

Have you tried CBT - I found that really helpful too.. {{little hug}}

Oh, and stop trying to rationalise his behaviour... it is just a drain on your own resources to nurture yourself...

If he really want to rescue you (as in turn into a nice, bloke who is a good father to his child and a supportive DP) he can do it all by himself, without you endlessly trying to help him..... Who knows maybe he will... but focus your efforts on yourself!

Do you want your DD to think this is all she can look forward to when she's older? Because the older she gets the more she will take in.

Stop making excuses for him, he is responsible for his own actions not you.

You are a good person and i thinks he resents you for that fact, he has the problem not you, don't let him make you feel like this any more take back the power!

Thanks for firm support.

I have distracted myself most of the day so far by tyding up for builder to come and do a quote (was a mess this morning due to my inability to do anything other than wallow last night) and blathering on on here whislt feeding DD.

I have had a couple of calls from DP about a work thing on Sunday - him seeking me free advice as usual.

Last call was a long moan about staff cover, not being able to afford his porsche ffs.

He hasn't been wankerish towards me as he was last night. I've been matter of fact.

Now he google messages me flirting. What a freak he is.

I can't do this horrible pain. It's not just relationship loss it's the how fucked up I am to keep being with losers.

The DC don't need a screwed up mother who has nothing going for her.

I've no career really, no money and I don't smile.

Which is useless.

I'm sorry those of you who have willed me on to a better situation. I've been so weak.

No point being sorry. It won't help.

You need to focus on you and your children now. You can and will come through this. And although it might not seem like it you will b stronger.

If youthink that you are repeating patterns then counselling might help.