Repeating my parents mistakes - staying for the kids. Need Advice

[oliandjoesmum]

Have been searching through threads looking for an answer, is probably quicker to put my own story down and see if anyone can help me to stop being such a weak idiot and sort this out.

DH and I have been married for 10 years, we married only a year after meeting and had DS1 a year after that. He had an affair 6 weeks after we married, but the time I found out was already pregnant so ignored it all and becamoe obsessed with pregnancy. 9 months after having DS1 he did it again, and proceeded to do so right up until I got pregnant with DS2. He would continually tell me text messages I saw/ people seeing him with other women were all 'the other woman being obsessive and mad' or people lying. Don't ask why I had another child, I just desperately wanted a baby, mad I know.
After DS2 was born I finally left him, which progresses to him begging me to come back for 6 months. I had no support off my family, my Mum would not even acknowledge it was happening. My parents have an incredibley unhappy marriage, have always stayed together 'for the children' even though they despise each other, and my Dad has another family inthe Phillipines with his gf of 10 years!
Anyway, I went back, and he went back to his old ways. I then found out DS1 has aspergers, and fell pregnant with DS3 (I know, really, I am quite educated). Whilst was pregnant found out DH had got another woman pregnant and forced her to have an abortion when we had been seperated, even though he had been begging for me back. Of course was explained away that this woman was delusional nutter, was not his baby etc.
Once DS3 bron a whole new chapter starts. I come out of baby machine mode, get my figure and mojo back and start going out. I also have v well paid p/t job, but still only 3rd of what he earns.
Suddenly he becomes totally obsessed with me, won't stop trying to shag me, when it used to be me lying sobbing every night because he wouldn't touch me. Obsessed with my facebook/ phone/ friends etc. He tells me I can go out and then goes loopy when I do - calling me a f*ing whore, following me up the road, ringing me all night etc. I had to call the police twice last year because he threatened to kill me, and have been reduced to a nervour wreck because I never know whether good cop or bad cop is going to great me when he comes home. I have had social services involved, who said he fitted the profile of an abusive man who harms his family.
BUT here I still am, accepting the scraps of good bits because I like being a family. I am scared of the financial upheaval, and choices that will be taken away from my kids if I leave. When I say I am going to he tells me he will give up work and I will not get a penny, and that he won't see them. My kids are living through this, they seem OK, but I remember how much I HATED it as a child, and used to vow I would never do it to my own children.So why am I?
This ramble really is the tip of the iceberg, I could say so much more. Just writing it makes me feel even more weak and pathetic, why aren't I brave enough to go and hope for a happier life for me and my boys? I guess I need people to tell me how they braved it, and that they were happy afterwards.
Thanks for listening......

I can't tell you what it was like, and my situation is different. But I am now just facing the same. Don't want to stay anymore, but scared and sad for the kids about the future.
I have no advice, but if you ever need an ear to bend, I'm around. You can do it, and you and the kids will be happy again.

I feel sad when I read posts like yours.

It seems there are so many women out there who are in domestic situations where they weigh their happiness/unhappiness lightly. They put it in the scales on one side, with the future they could give their dc as a single parent on the other, and decide that their happiness just weighs less.

I think they imagine that they can be a kind of fence, standing between a load of unhappiness and their children, soaking it all up, and maybe, just maybe, they can keep the unhappiness on one side (their side) and their dc on the other - in the happy childhood/family they always dreamed of.

Firstly - the standard mn advice is to ask yourself what you would tell your daughter to do, if she came to you and told you what you have posted here. That's a good place to start. Forget what your parents have said/done. You know they have issues. You know you don't want them as a life-guide.

Secondly - There aren't enough great stories out there about single parenthood. Which is a crying shame. I do know how hard it is, but there are up-sides, and positive experiences. And we need to hear them.

My aunt was a single parent. She was very happy. Her dc (my cousins) were extremely happy. I loved her house - it was calm and happy. She was confident, happy, and autonomous. (Note repetition of that word: "happy".)

She was a single parent for about 15 years, up until her dc went to university. She enjoyed singledom. She had boyfriends but I think, having tried marriage, she rather liked the autonomy. And then, having enjoyed singledom, she met and married a very eligible chap.

Obviously, that's not everyone's story. But it is a real story. And it is only one of a variety of possibilities.

Single parentdom is not necessarily so awful you have to stay in a situation that makes you stay in a soul-destroying marriage.

I don't know.

I LOVE animula's post.

I have a thread on here this evening - my DP has 'left' me again.

We have a baby together. I have 3 other children from previous disaster relationships.

I am not making my children's lives very happy either - or my own - but there is this HUGE fear of the other side of where I am now that is even bigger than the desire to be happy in myself and so that my children can feel the happiness that a happy mother brings. It is utterly shameful.

It's almost phobic because you'd have to be phobic of something, I think, to not let stuff like the children's and your own happiness prevail.

I've been a happy single parent too, after I was divorced but since then I've had a traumatic relationship and seem to be stuck in a rut of unhappiness.

So, I can at least tell you that the first time you leave the security of a marriage and parent alone it is okay. Doing it 2 or 3 times I am not so confident about.

I'm sorry for your situation. You need to be extremely calm. You think you can't be, but you can.

You are separating your happiness and the children's happiness. The truth is, if your children are not happy you will never be. It is an impossibility for a decent person, which you plainly are.

You need more confidence in yourself. You are not hopeless and weak. If being with the father is damaging the children, and will damage the children long term, you should not be with him. You know whether this is true or not.

The benefits of being with a father does not mean being with any father: it does not mean you have to stay, or instantly recreate a family unit with another man elsewhere. The children not only need to see you happy, they need to see you with self respect and in control.

You are "fire-fighting" at the moment. You're reacting as things happen. You to predict, forestall, plan, and make things happen. Make a decision, inform yourself and prepare yourself.

Putting aside the issue of his ongoing infidelity, this man has threatened to kill you, and you've had to call the police twice, and social services is involved.

Your kids are growing up in an environment where the police arrive at their door because their father is threatening to kill their mum. Where social services is in their lives because of the abuse you're all living under.

Is he violent towards you? Is he violent towards your sons? If he isn't yet, he will be soon. Your kids seem okay because kids do that, they find ways to cope and to live with this stuff. They do that by normalising the situation.

This is not a situation you want your sons to normalise.

It's awful when a relationship or partner turns out to be so far removed from your hopes and dreams. It can be hard to accept the new reality and that limits options.

Being single is a viable option over treatment like this. My parents rows used to terrify me, I remember them back to about four years of age, I remember my dad threatening to kill my mum.

I'm on my own with four DC (after choosing to leave a philandering x) and I can quite honestly say, I'm happy and more importantly, my children are happy. Money is nothing in comparison to their (and my) emotional wellbeing. I am currently in receipt of benefits but we certainly aren't struggling financially.

You know you need to break this cycle and that if you don't, your children are more likely to play out similar patterns of unhealthy relationships too? Your P sounds needy, controlling and misogynistic. Living with these behaviours day in, day out is soul destroying, literally.

I am a single parent and I am really happy, since my ex left my career and my whole life has got better and better. I was able to concentrate on my son and see my friends and let them support me. I am now a part-time lecturer and ex works for minimum wage.

I can provide a better life for moving out and its made my ex a better dad in the long run.

Carrying around a dead weight takes up so much time and effort that you don't have time for yourself.

Its scary and daunting and the first time he left I was totally destroyed but it really is worth it for the long term happiness.

My son know can have the best from me and that's what really matters. Like the ladies have said your children won't be truely happy if they feel you are not.

This is a terrifing time for you and my heart really goes out to you x

If you leave, you will still be a family. Just a family with one parent - and most likely, a happier family than you are in at the moment.

I can honestly say that I am a lot happier on my own than in a relationship with someone who didn't respect me or support me and caused me pain. (Not physically.) I too saw all the good bits - but didn't realise that my "normal" state when I was with XP was just existing, and the times when I was happy were occasional. Now, my normal state is happy and the good times are great

By staying you are teaching your children that this kind of relationship is acceptable - which means they are more likely to grow up and get into the same sort of relationship, either being the one who stays or the one who traps their partner. You can see this in yourself as you have identified that you are following your parents' mistake.

Don't feel pathetic - it is an enormously difficult thing to realise and decide to leave. (Which seems ridiculous, it should be a simple decision, but you know and a lot of people here know that it is not.) What matters is what you do with your life now - take control! If he doesn't pay maintenence, you will manage. If he doesn't see the children - that is his decision and it is not your responsibility to ensure your children have a relationship with their father. And FWIW my ex said he wouldn't see DS if I left, and it would be my fault that he didn't have a Dad - but he does see him and actually spends more time with him now than he ever did when we were together.

Good luck. You can do it

I have just read your thread and just wanted to empaphise with you as I understand how you feel. I have been (feels like stuck) in an 11 year unhappy marriage and have similar fears - and a huge amount of guilt for the kind of childhood my oldest son (from my 1st marriage) has had. I was a single working mum of one after my 1st marriage ended for five years. My downfall, however, during that period, was a relationship with an abusive man which involved every time I tried to break off with him, he would do things like stalking me. I then met my H. We have been married 11 years and have 2 DC. He too, turned out to be abusive (I must add that my 1st H was not abusive!).

So I have been a single mum years ago, but with a full-time job. It seems harder now, though, with 3 DC/full-time mum/had a huge amount of grief/stress over the years to believe I can do it (even though I am an intelligent, able woman), and I am not happy but doing my best not to project that onto my DC as they need a happy mum.

I forgot to add. My parents were married for 42 years. My mum divorced my dad in her early 60's. She was not happy alot of the time in their marriage.

I think the fear of something is often worse than the thing itself. Your current situation sounds so hideous for you and your children that living without this man in your home can only be an improvement!

I cant get it! You have just one life, only one!!

Why the fuck would you spend it being miserable with one solitary dirty cheating twat. There are billions of good honest men out there. Children grow up and leave home, make their own way in life.

Setting this sort of example to your kids, does more damage than them being without a father figure, and he is not much of one.

Thank you all so much for all of your replies, it feels comforting to here that I am not alone, and not stupid and weak. You are all right, my happiness does not weigh any where near as high as my children's, and I have trapped myself into the belief that I will ruin their lives by leaving. I also remember how much I hated my parents rows, how many times I stood between them sobbing for them to stop. I would hate my children to grow up and have dysfunctional relationships like this, I want them to be happy. I do not have a daughter to advise, but I do know that if I had one I would do anything to try and help her out of it. It hurts so much to know my Mum won't acknowledge it. I remember when we split my Dad whispering to me at a family meal not to tell anyone because my Mum didn't want anyone to see me as a failure. She looks at my beautiful house, children off to private school etc, and she seems to think I should accept the payment for all of that is this marriage.
I have no desire to meet anyone else, I feel like I never want to live with someone else again. I just want to be able to decide when (or if) to bath the children, allow them to stay up a bit later if they want, go to the park at 7 if we fancy it. This all sounds silly, but EVERYTHING is controlled, and he gets anxious and then flips if things are not done in the set routine he likes. He is worse when he drinks, and he loves to drink. I am totally ashamed that DS1 did see him threaten to kill me, and was still up when the police took him away. but the next day he just kept telling me that he wanted Daddy back, that he wanted it to all be back to normal. I am so scared of getting it wrong, and I am also actually quite scared he is the sort of man to harm my children to get back at me. Christ, I have never admitted that before, but his temper is so atrocious, it really scares me.

I know you'd like validation from your mother, but it looks like it would too hard for her in light of her own life choices.

A beautiful house and private school are no substitute for a calm and happy home life, for you and your children. Better feel peaceful and serene in a small house than live in a palace with constant knots in your stomach.

I can testify to life being much better after leaving my ex. And my dd hasn't lost her father since the split. She gets to have a nice time with each of us separately instead of seeing us together with him bullying me and me crying. A better arrangement all round, I would say.

My H also drinks. It is very nice of me to enable him to choose to have that lifestyle and have his children living with him. (I am being sarcastic! I know this 'enables' him) The only thing he has not done to me, to my knowledge,(apparently he dabbled in internet dating when we had a year's separation - but nothing sexual was involved?) is cheat on me. Your H has been truly terrible with this. My H, has, however, done everything else possible, I think, though.

Alot of unnecessary grief, basically.

Sorry, didn't mean to suggest that the house was worth more than a peacelful life, I feel the exact opposite, it is just the way my Mum saw it. The children haven't gone to private school yet, it is a choice I would be taking away from them though by leaving, we were planning to send them when 7. He doesn't care about his own standard of living (well says he doesn't). He says that if I leave he will have nothing himself if it means I have nothing. He says that if he gives me nothing I won't be able to go out with my friends, which he hates me doing.
What I don't understand is the disdain he showed me for the first half of our marriage. Being at parties with him, and him whispering in my ear 'I am so ashamed to be seen her with you' being one particularly painful memory. Why this obsession now? Why can't he jsut say 'yes, I have ruined your life, I owe you the chance to be happy and I will make it as easy as possible for you and the children'. Why can't he see that is what he owes us after what I have put up with?

He's not going to make this easy for you, no point hoping so and feeling disappointed when it doesn't happen.

You're going to have to do this by yourself. It's tough, but you can do it.

I can tell you how I braved it because I only did it 2.5 weeks ago.
My ex threatened to kill me lots of times, my turning point was finding out how seriously the police take that threat (5 years in prison was mentioned).
I left via the police and got an injunction and the first week was very very hard.
The second week got lots easier and now I'm into the third week everything is starting to fall into place.
And number one, my kids are happy, yes they were shocked to begin with but kids are very accepting and have settled into our new family of three life very well.
My life is still a bit up and down due to having lots to sort out, but the kids are fine.
Feel free to contact me if you want to know any more or for practical advice but please don't be scared of what the future holds if you leave, it's got to be better than what you are living now, I know how bad that is and even in that first dark week it was such a relief to not be walking on eggshells anymore.
PS financially you will be fine too, tax credits are wonderful!

OP ignore the BNP member above!

Would you want your boys to treat their other halves the way he treats you?

There is a good chance they will if you stay!

Please think about what you would want to do if you didn't have children. Would you stay? Would you go? If you would go because you know you deserve a better life then surely your answer is right there as your children probably mean more to you than your own life and happiness.

Just a thought.

"...your children probably mean more to you than your own life and happiness".

FabIs-Don't they/shouldn't they always?