Repeating my parents mistakes - staying for the kids. Need Advice

[oliandjoesmum]

Have been searching through threads looking for an answer, is probably quicker to put my own story down and see if anyone can help me to stop being such a weak idiot and sort this out.

DH and I have been married for 10 years, we married only a year after meeting and had DS1 a year after that. He had an affair 6 weeks after we married, but the time I found out was already pregnant so ignored it all and becamoe obsessed with pregnancy. 9 months after having DS1 he did it again, and proceeded to do so right up until I got pregnant with DS2. He would continually tell me text messages I saw/ people seeing him with other women were all 'the other woman being obsessive and mad' or people lying. Don't ask why I had another child, I just desperately wanted a baby, mad I know.
After DS2 was born I finally left him, which progresses to him begging me to come back for 6 months. I had no support off my family, my Mum would not even acknowledge it was happening. My parents have an incredibley unhappy marriage, have always stayed together 'for the children' even though they despise each other, and my Dad has another family inthe Phillipines with his gf of 10 years!
Anyway, I went back, and he went back to his old ways. I then found out DS1 has aspergers, and fell pregnant with DS3 (I know, really, I am quite educated). Whilst was pregnant found out DH had got another woman pregnant and forced her to have an abortion when we had been seperated, even though he had been begging for me back. Of course was explained away that this woman was delusional nutter, was not his baby etc.
Once DS3 bron a whole new chapter starts. I come out of baby machine mode, get my figure and mojo back and start going out. I also have v well paid p/t job, but still only 3rd of what he earns.
Suddenly he becomes totally obsessed with me, won't stop trying to shag me, when it used to be me lying sobbing every night because he wouldn't touch me. Obsessed with my facebook/ phone/ friends etc. He tells me I can go out and then goes loopy when I do - calling me a f*ing whore, following me up the road, ringing me all night etc. I had to call the police twice last year because he threatened to kill me, and have been reduced to a nervour wreck because I never know whether good cop or bad cop is going to great me when he comes home. I have had social services involved, who said he fitted the profile of an abusive man who harms his family.
BUT here I still am, accepting the scraps of good bits because I like being a family. I am scared of the financial upheaval, and choices that will be taken away from my kids if I leave. When I say I am going to he tells me he will give up work and I will not get a penny, and that he won't see them. My kids are living through this, they seem OK, but I remember how much I HATED it as a child, and used to vow I would never do it to my own children.So why am I?
This ramble really is the tip of the iceberg, I could say so much more. Just writing it makes me feel even more weak and pathetic, why aren't I brave enough to go and hope for a happier life for me and my boys? I guess I need people to tell me how they braved it, and that they were happy afterwards.
Thanks for listening......

As someone who was bought up with parents who had a waring, abusive relationship I can definitely echo that which many of the posters on here have said. Looking out for your own contentment and setting examples and boundaries to your children regarding how to you allow yourself to be treated is not selfish, it is an absolute must. You are raising the next generation of fathers/partners and they WILL repeat patterns they see enacted in their environment.

While, as a child, I hated my parents arguments and dreaded them splitting up. In reality, it was the fear of change which I dreaded - as all children do - but change is inevitable in life and demonstrating to them that they can adapt is an invaluable lesson. My mum used to scream at my dad that, "there are 4 very good reasons I stay in this house and you're not one of them" (I was one of 4 children) and god, in hindsight, I wish they'd split up, it would have saved so much heartache. All 4 of us as adults have struggled in our relationships and last year I supported my sister in law through a hideous split up with my brother, who has mirrored my parents in the bullying and abusive way he treats her. Hopefully their son will not grow up to repeat the same patterns.

Just get out. Ideally do so calmly, with forethought and planning so you can minimise as much as possible the inevitable attempts at financial control - not to mention control over the children - that will ensue but do it.

I would never advocate someone lightly leaving a relationship with children involved just because they think a nebulous idea of happiness is eluding them in some way but you've done your time and more and, whilst undoubtedly 'staying for the kids' should always be an option, not under these auspices. You owe it to their future to leave this man and demonstrate the sort of values they will need to be successful in life instead of the ones that will provide a blueprint of manhood and family life which will always have an indelible lure due to it's early and repeated programming.

My 2 pence worth . . .

Karemm-That's an understandable and well worded way of looking at relationship breakdowns, but what happens when the mother and father are not involved in an obviously damaging and conflict ridden relationship? What if, through an overarching sense of duty and responsibility to the children they are both careful never to 'lose it' in front of the children?
I've cut another excerpt from the article which has got me thinking about all this:

"...divorce and separation are experienced differently by adults and children. What can seem like a ?good divorce? to adults can feel very different for children. In the absence of high levels of conflict, children are often not aware that their parents are experiencing difficulties. For these children, the divorce or separation itself can be problematic. It is even possible that children will be more affected by conflict created by the separation and continuing afterwards than they were when their parents were together.

There are two categories of children most at risk for future psychological problems:

1. those who grow up with parents who stay married, but remain conflicted and hostile, and
2. those whose parents are in a low conflict marriage and divorce anyway.

• More than half of divorces occur in low-conflict marriages ? what can be called ?good enough? marriages ? which have a high potential for being salvaged (in one study, 64% of the couples who said they were unhappy, but stayed together and worked on their relationship, reported being happy five years later). Divorces in these low-conflict marriages can be very damaging to children."

arafa - This relationship clearly is damaging though, so you've picked the wrong thread for this unless you think this is not damaging.

'calling me a f*ing whore, following me up the road, ringing me all night etc. I had to call the police twice last year because he threatened to kill me, and have been reduced to a nervour wreck because I never know whether good cop or bad cop is going to great me when he comes home.'

Arfarfa

We're not talking about a relationship which is defined by the self control you're talking about/advocating here.

I don't know which article you're referencing, it sounds interesting but not relevant to the situation that oliandjoesmum describes.

I do understand your point Arafa, not wanting to people to lave marriages because it has got a bit boring but it is kind of OK. That really isn't what I am talking about. I guess my main point is I know from my own parents abusive relationship what dreadful impact it has on mine and my sisters ability to form successful adult relationships with functional people. But still we repeat their mistakes, when you are a parent it is all bogged down with so many issues, particularly guilt and fear,'better the devil you know' type fear. However as a child I remember being desperate for my parents to seperate

Maybe you are trying not to repeat your parent's mistakes by trying your hardest to make your marriage work.

Utterly twisted logic I know but recently I've realised it's one of the reasons I have stayed in a bad (but nowhere near as bad as yours) relationship for so long- trying to do it better than my parents, or thinking I am...

Recent studies have shown that children who live with 2 unhappy parents are 20% more likely to be unhappy than those living with 2 happy parents.
Those who live with one happy parent are only 2% more likely to be unhappy.

For your own sake and your DC's please leave this man.

He's showing you a heightened level of interest and wont want you to leave because he needs to remain in control.

He's abusive and most abuse is based in exactly this need to control.

The awful occasion, when he whispered in your ear was designed to 'keep you in your place' his affairs have had a similar effect, causing detriment to your self worth.

Presently, he wants to shag you all the time. He's marking you as his territory (control). Does he make concerted efforts before you go out for the night, in particular?

He doesn't love you. Checking your farcebook and other forms of communication isn't about caring, concern or benign interest, it's to exert control over what you say and to whom. Heaven forbid you might have an OM! That's projection because he hasn't dealt with what he's done to you, he chooses to believe you are as equally capable of wronging him.

Kicking off because you've been out with friends is not love, it's control. Threats to kill! Same again.

He has spent years systematically causing you damage and hurt, the whole time you have been trying to do the right thing. You do not deserve this!!

Your DC's do not deserve to bare witness to it.

It sounds as though the scales have fallen, you sound ready to take the power back and kudos to you!

I suggest you ring Womens Aid to discuss your options now. Be as open as you are able regarding his behaviour, past and present and let them suggest options to you. Knowledge is power

I braved it as you say. I have never regretted it for a second. one of my biggest fears was that I'd regret it. That I'd replace one set of problems with a new set of problems. But now I realise that was fear and numbness. Any sane person would, should have left the relationship I was in.

I am much happier now. I enjoy my freedom. I don't DO an awful lot with it! but I enjoy the simple things. Small things can be a pleasure now. I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders now, and I'm not exhausted from trying to present a facade to the outside world, or trying to reason with an unreasonable man.

now i'm single, I'm honest about it... I'm far more content.

i would like more money, and i wouldn't say i have no problems at all, but obstacles seem less insurmountable now.

By the way, my parents split when I was only 4, no abuse just no love between them, and I was raised by a happy single mother in a loving environment. And I've gone on to a wonderful, egalitarian, mutually respectful marriage, good work-life balance, a gorgeous daughter, and financial stability.

Don't know if that helps.

As for your kids' happiness being worth more than yours; I think we often appeal to the mother-part of posters in these relationships because it's so hard to leave, and it's a bit easier to leave for your children's sake than for your own because the latter 'feels selfish'.

But your happiness is worth a lot too. And you are not happy in this relationship. This is not a balance between your happiness and that of your children. This is a balance between the happiness of you and your children, and the (quite justified) fear of the transition period.

EcoMouse is dead on, I hope her post is useful to you.

thank you so much for all of your help. It has made me see things more clearly, specifically this thread has made me realise I am giving my son's this man and this marriage as a role model for their future, that alone really scares me. I have decided that I need a plan, there is no point continually saying I am leaving because I never follow it through, I need a plan. I know he would never move out so I need to save a deposit for rent. I need to buy myself a car as the one we have is his company car. I need to open my own bank account, and I need some danger money in case he does follow through with the threat of not paying any maintenance. I started yesterday by opening the bank account, it felt like a first step in the road to freedom, it felt good. Leaving will be for life so I need to think carefully and slowly, and get myself in the position to make this a reality, nt a dream. Had another awful evening with him last night, he cancelled my mobile contract and tried to smash up my laptop (which is my work laptop). Obv didn't work as I am typing now, but I am sick of this, it can't go on

I do think you're doing the right thing, planning a positive future for you and your boys

However, I'm concerned for you that he's displaying this level of volatility. Please ring WA. It may be that you can have him removed from the property, they would be able to advise.

Don't hesitate to call the police if/ when he becomes aggressive again.