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Original poster

struggling to make friends but surrounded by mums

33 replies

titferbrains · 10/02/2010 12:05

Feeling a bit low. Went to playgroup this morning and didn't talk to anyone, except to say hello to one lady I knew. I couldn't think of anything to say to her as I don't know her well, so convo kind of petered out. My DD is 17mo so I just let her crawl about and play and I sit on my own and hope that someone will strike up a chat.

I would just really like to meet some friendly mums. I live in an area full of glamorous mums, all whizzing about looking svelte and busy and generally with 2 kids - and I am black with a pale mixed race kid and I wonder if they think I am her nanny... When I feel like this it doesn't make me want to try harder, it just makes me want to stay at home and hide.

Most friends have gone back to work, I used to make cakes for parties etc. but I am rubbish at cake decorating and totally impatient with it so not sure I will appeal mums wanting elaborate princess cakes. So have been nervous about starting it again. No confidence and also prefer spending time with dd rather than ignoring her while I bake and plan etc.

Shall I just continue to hibernate until DD goes to school and hope to meet pleasant mums there?

I was never any good at making friends before, I don't know why I thought it would be easier with a kid.

OP posts:
YearoftheDodo · 10/02/2010 12:08

God I know how you feel. Where are you?

turkeyboots · 10/02/2010 12:14

Me too. Moved a year ago from London and only know one neighbour despite best efforts. Am sure am known as the crazy lady who says hello to everyone in the playground.

Is there NCT coffee mornings, or any similar thing near you? I'm trying to start something like that here, as people seem more willing to chat in those environments.

mojomama · 10/02/2010 12:18

wow, that sounds really tough - nice playgroup!!?

just had to say i know how you feel - i used to feel the same and now go out of my way to strike up conversations with anyone at our playgroup i see looking a bit lost. i did try about 3 different groups though too before i settled at one - it's a godsend now.

maybe you could bring a few fairy cakes/buns (non-decorated!) along - just as an opener if anything - everyone loves cake and surprisingly few people make them. don't judge the other mums by their appearance either - sometimes people look v 'together' on the outside (like maybe you do?)but are just looking for a chance to have a chat/make new friends too.

it's hard though! you do feel like a wally at first too - but as you said, if nothing else, just play with your little one till the right moments come up. hang in there!

Original poster
titferbrains · 10/02/2010 12:18

I'm in sw london.

It feels ridiculous to be surrounded by schools and mums but not know anybody. Don't even really have neighbours as our house is a maisonette stuck on the back of another building. So there isn't much "community" feeling.

I'm not a member of NCT, I felt a bit like it was all for those with younger babies. But will look into it anyway.

Am just about to make a ginger cake to while away the afternoon and will probably take DD out for lunch.

Maybe I should swallow my fears and start trying for number too, at least I'll match all the other mums and I'll be too busy to care about lack of friends....

OP posts:
Original poster
titferbrains · 10/02/2010 12:21

I have also considered joining a church, although I'm not really that religious, just to meet some nice people.

There is one mum who I see around a lot who seems know a lot of people because she started her own playgroup. She's always chatting to people and has a little clutch of friends round her when I see her at the group. Overheard her talking today and what was it about? This amazing diet she's on.... Where are the mothers who eat? WHERE?

OP posts:
Supercherry · 10/02/2010 12:33

Joining a church is a good idea, they are usually welcoming. Is the toddler group you go to at a church?

I agree wholeheartedly that raising young children can be lonely sometimes. I hear it gets easier as they reach school age.

I have 2 young DCs and don't think having 2 as opposed to one makes much difference with regards to making friends.

You just have to force yourself to get out to as many different groups as possible and be very friendly.

Original poster
titferbrains · 10/02/2010 12:36

I think I'm just not very good at being friendly. I'm pleasant but my DH often tells me that I'm a bit scary. I am not sure why but other people have said it before too.

OP posts:
Supercherry · 10/02/2010 12:43

Smile at anyone you make eye contact with. Ask the usual, predictable questions, you know: 'How old is your son?', pay a compliment, 'Hasn't he got lovely hair' bla bla bla.

It takes time, but eventually you will feel more confortable chatting and you will find someone you click with.

As someone else mentioned too, if you see someone new at the toddlers make an effort to go over and say hi.

If you see someone struggling with a newborn and toddler, offer to fetch their cuppa at the end. That kind of thing.

at you being scary. I'm intrigued.

Supercherry · 10/02/2010 12:45

I know how hard it is, I have struggled with this aspect of parenting too.

motherlovebone · 10/02/2010 12:50

have a look on Netmums meet a mum boards.

you might fare better with a one on one.

i have family in SW19, you ever there?

i would be happy to meet up for a coffee, cake and play.

Chillohippi · 10/02/2010 13:01

You are so not alone. So many mothers feel like that.
I met a very good friend through the NetMums Meet a Mum Board, so it's worth a shot, but don't be disheartened if it doesn't work out at first: I've also met some odd (although nice in their own ways!) people through it too that I have not kept contact with beyond a first meeting (or sometimes the first email!).

Original poster
titferbrains · 10/02/2010 13:05

Super cherry, yes the group is at a church. Will try to pop in and ask if they need cakes.

Mother love thanks for the suggestion, yes I can get to SW19 - can we work something out?

OP posts:
andagain · 10/02/2010 13:06

Hello,
Go to your local MN board, you say SW, is it Wandsworth borough? Go to Wandsworth borough local, there are always people there wanting to meet up for coffee etc.
Don't know where in SW you are but if anywhere near Tooting, there are some nice little groups there with some friendly mums and Tooting Library is about to re-open with lots of facilities for kids so that might be good.

It is intimidating I know but worth a go.

woodyandbuzz · 10/02/2010 13:07

titferbrains - I know how you feel, although I have 2 DCs (3 and 1), it doesn't make a lot of difference to the friend making process! The job I left on mat leave with DS is 150 miles away now.

It does get a little easier at school (DS at nursery school) as things are more structured - he is in a class with a load of children, he likes them all, some very much so those ones, you just invite over (with their mums) to play. The opener is that you ask the teacher which child your child likes and then you say to the mum "teacher tells me your child and mine get along very well, would you like to come and play" etc.

I am still home with DD (22m) and I don't bother with playgroups. My DD is OK with it, as she has a sibling and he has friends over so I think her social skills are OK. I find them excruciating - just as you describe, sat there hoping someone will speak to you. So I don't do them now and I feel far better about it. So crack on the next one and they can be friends!

fruitstick · 10/02/2010 13:08

I know how you feel. Have you thought about volunteering? The NCT always needs volunteers for things and moat toddler groups need people to help set out the room, make the tea.

It gets you a little more involved and people have to talk to you, rather than sitting on your own.

I nearly burst into tears halfway through my first toddler group in a new area as noone spoke to me - but it only takes one person to be kind to make you feel a whole lot better.

Also, what about classes? Am music class or something tend to be smaller groups so there is more opportunity to chat.

I'm sure noone thinks you're the nanny but some people are just snotty cows! Either that or so sleep deprived that they don't think to notice new people.

Original poster
titferbrains · 10/02/2010 13:34

Well I've just replied to someone on net mums so that's a start.

Will head back to nct site and try again. Good point about volunteering, it's something I'd thought about before but didn't act on.

Woody, glad to hear that I'm not alone. Lovely that your little ones get on well.

Sun is shining so we'll get out for a nice walk today anyway.

Feeling much better having chatted to you all.

OP posts:
motherlovebone · 10/02/2010 13:38

Hello again,

if you click on my name you should be able to send me a message.

glad you are feeling better

coldtits · 10/02/2010 13:43

Every mother's specialist subject is their own child. Pay attention to their child and they will never run out of answers for your questions.

coldtits · 10/02/2010 13:47

I never did sit there and hope someone would speak to me, I scanned the room ad looked for someone like you! Someone always looks a bit lost. I'm sure some people find me intrusive but they aren't the majority.

Take a packet of very nice biscuits and offer them round. Ok, so you might be forever known as 'biscuit lady' but you will be forever known.

pick on an accessory, like a scark, or shoes, and ask them where they got them from, how much they were, would they still be selling them because your sister/cousin/best friend was looking for something gorgeous and now you could recommend...

If you're new, ask if they have older kids and ask them about the local schools.

Kiwinyc · 10/02/2010 14:05

Can you do some other organised activities? I met one new friend after a few months of Monkey Music classes, and its easy after a couple to say 'Fancy grabbing a coffee or going to the park together with our little ones after class next week?' or something like that...

lilyofvalley · 10/02/2010 17:13

Hi
yup sounds all too familiar.
I'm a pretty confident person who makes friends easily and since having a baby I've struggled to make friends.

Joining an nct coffee morning group has helped. It gives us a defined place to go every week. Also joining music classes/ book class etc to broaden your circle. People did keep to their own friends to start with but you gradually make inroads.

It does take time and perseverence so keep at it. Not everyone will be your type but eventually you'll click with some people.

It's hard but you just need one friend to have coffee with and it'll make all the difference.

coldtits · 10/02/2010 17:28

A REALLY sly trick is to mention loudly in front of the toddlers that you and your child are going to the park - then when they nag their mothers, beam a smile and say "Of course, you're welcome to come with us,"

Chillohippi · 10/02/2010 17:42

that's a great idea Coldtits.

SlightlyFoxed · 10/02/2010 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

probono · 10/02/2010 18:00

Church playgroups are not religion driven ime.. it st.m church playgroup?--