Have you ever broken someone's heart?

[wannaBe]

When I was fifteen I went out with a guy who was five years older than me.

I was his first ever gf, and we went out for just over a year. The relationship basically just reached a natural progression and ended because I grew up and... well he didn't.

Or so I thought...

So a few years ago I regained contact with this guy through email. All above board, just chatty sort of "how are you, what have you been doing for the past nearly twenty years - that sort of thing." So it transpired that he'd never had another gf since me, and is now in his 40s and still lives with his mother. .

So we exchange emails every few months or so..

And then one day he found me on skype and we had a text chat...

And he started talking about the past and how he's amazed that after such a nasty break-up we were still able to talk all these years later. And I was like this. nasty break-up?

And it transpired that even though I had just ended a relationship, he thought that I was the one that he was going to spend the rest of his life with, and that he'd thought it was a really bitter break-up and has never felt the same about anyone ever since and never felt he could ever fall in love again.

And here was me thinking that it was just something that had run its course.

So - have you ever broken someone's heart?

I went out with a bloke when I was about 15, just because my friend was going out with his friend and it meant would could hang round together. It was nothing more than snogging but he followed me round like a love sick puppy, he was 18 and working and used to wait for me at school on his days off. It used to drive me mental and he was a slobbery kisser . I dumped him and he could not accept it. He wrote me note after note after note begging me to take him back. It took a long, long time for him to get off my case and leave me alone.

Poshsinglemum, you are by no means a freak for feeling upset. But to hold on to those feelings and nuture them over years is unhealthy and self-destructive. People are generally happier if they set themselves on a path of looking to the future.

nurture, sorry for typo.

Yikes

Surely you must think he's a little bit immature though?

It was at you, yes. That does sound sad though- but god, you've gotta be master of your own destiny at some point. Man up!

Not sure about heartbroken, but I know I hurt a very lovely man, because, despite what I thought at the time, I was actually far more immature then them and not ready for a serious relationship.

I'm pretty sure he's happy now and I wouldn't change anything about my life now, but I will always, always regret that I didn't treat him better.

When it happens it can feel like your heart is breaking. I had a boyfriend who proposed to me, then dumped me two days later on Christmas Eve. Then he told me he was confused and loved me, only to dump me four days later, on NYE ! I got over it, of course, but I did rather hog the Christmas wine that year...

No, I don't think I have...mine's been broken a fair few times though!

Only once, properly though. I really thought I would die, that was it...nothing meant anything any more.

It was really horrible and you never quite get over it I don't think.

People seem to be confusing heartbroken with long, lingering bitterness. They are two different things. I took heartbroken to mean, absolutely shattered by the end of a relationship, you know - sad. Heartbreak is something you get over (hopefully) but it hurts like fuck at the time. Yes?
Twisted psychos who plot revenge on their ex or who fantasies about getting back together when they haven't seen them for 20 years are another thing altogether!

...though I suppose I did turn down a couple of chaps when I was about 18, I don't think they were particularly heartbroken...we were young, I felt guilty,

Oh it is so complicated isn't it.

I wish God would just send a bloke down the chimney one day and say 'Look' sorry, 'LOOK' (loud booming voice)

'this is your bloke

You're really well matched, now Get On With It!'

Sadly, though, it doesn't happen like that does it. And there is (my - Ok he really isn't mine) lovely man-in-the-playground all handsome and wonderful and MARRIED

One day...one day. Maybe, the right one...

I'm sure you will, Flight he'll be worth the wait.

god yes!

Yes, everyone feels sad when they get dumped, and I am not saying you have to recover within half an hour or anything ( I have heard the theory that it takes about a month for every year you were together to get over someone who dumped you when you didn't want the relationship to end).
And I would definitely make a difference between sustained, deliberate cruetly to a partner (whether that's physical or psychological abuse) which is bad and wrong and just basically not being in love with someone, or no longer being in love with him/her, which is just one of those things. Something many people miss about 'love' is the fact that you choose to be in love with a person, and if you are lucky they may well choose to love you back but they don't have to. Just because you feel strongly, doesn't oblige another person to return your feelings.

Thanks Vicky

SGB - I have heard that theory too.
It took me about a year-per-year with ds's father, tbh...still not quite there...

it was a complicated relationship and we had a child, I suppose that makes it harder in a way.

"No one likes being dumped. But sensible, healthy people get over it: those who don't (still whining decades later FFS) are losers who need either therapy or a good boot up the bum."

Lovely post, SGB.

"Something many people miss about 'love' is the fact that you choose to be in love with a person, and if you are lucky they may well choose to love you back but they don't have to. Just because you feel strongly, doesn't oblige another person to return your feelings."

Yes SGB that much is obvious to most people I think. This thread seems to me to be more about the regrets we have about being young and callous and dumping people in ways that hurt them - even if it was inevitable. I mean, I actually think it's a good thing that so many of us here are saying "I feel so bad that I hurt him, but I knew it wasn't right etc."

That's much better than if we'd just stayed with these men because of what they wanted and subjugated our feelings and ended up with DC in a miserable marriage.

TSComing - Oh dear, my dh and I have 2 dds and he went on a skiing holiday for his stag!

I've made quite a few men cry. Which I find quite strange, I mean, you wouldn't look at me and say "heartbreaker".

To lower the tone slightly:

Was 14, broke up with classmate who was totally besotted with me but I couldn't see the point of just holding hands at break (he was very shy, I was a very late developer). I broke up with him after a month of starting to hold hands, on a school trip...he deliberately went and ate a whole jar of Nutella knowing he had a serious nut allergy and was hospitalised
Still remember his bloodshot eyes gazing at me as they carted him off into the ambulance...and still don't know whether to laugh hysterically or be horrified

Flaming...I wouldn't worry. If he had really 'settled' for you he prob would have let you know by now...

a lot of men say they have settled but really wouldn't change their wife for the world. And vice versa...it's his actions not what he might have told some ex, that you have to look at

My man-at-school moans about his DW all the time, how much she drinks, how she never finishes jobs properly...that kind of thing. I once said to him 'you really sound like you don't like her very much!!' I think it kind of surprised him a bit...probably his dad used to moan about his mum, that kind of thing, he just thinks it's normal.

I don't think people really do 'settle' very often. On some level there is a reason they are with the person they married...at least for now.

Scotian - can't see anything funny in what he did tbh.