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Original poster

'Forced' to attend friends wedding

34 replies

superdeeduper · 07/02/2010 21:00

Hi, I'll try and keep this short but could do with some advice as to how to handle this.

A couple who are amongst my closest friends have decided to bring their wedding forward by a year and are doing it quite far from where we live. Found this out 2 weeks ago and now only have 3 months til wedding.
Anyway, as I have kids and am a student at the mo, there is no way I can afford to attend. It's far too short notice to get the money needed and quite far to travel also.

They have now informed that they want to pay for our accommodation so we can attend and have gone ahead and booked it without first consulting me. I tried to phone them first of all to thank them but to explain (gently) that I would still not be able to attend due to all the other things needed such as travel, outfits etc etc.

They are just not taking no for an answer tho and are now railroading me into attending by saying they are now going to buy outfits etc. While I am deeply flattered and I know that they only have the best of intentions, this is not making me feel good. I may be skint but I do have some pride and just dont feel right about letting them spend so much money. I have since found out that 2 of their sisters will not attend the wedding due to the cost and this makes me feel even worse.

I was actually in tears on the phone to them as they both spoke/forced and even the grooms mother came on to tell me I was going!

Any advice on how to handle this? Seems they have gone completely mad (usual I know for a wedding) but what is pissing me off is the fact they have accepted others regrets for not attending but seem to be poo pooing my very legitimate reasons. How do I make them understand without them taking it personally?

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 07/02/2010 21:03

This sounds very hard.

If talking face to face/on the phone hasn't solved it, perhaps you need to consider a more firmly,clearly worded e-mail.

Realistically this could result in a permanent end to the friendship, as they really are being quite forceful and unless you flatly refuse to attend (which will probably cause great offence?) there is no real solution.

CarGirl · 07/02/2010 21:04

I don't know.

I have 2 friends that are as family to me and I would pay all their costs if it meant they could attend. Is it possible that they just really really want you there because you are very special to them?

SoupDragon · 07/02/2010 21:04

They aren't poo-pooing your reasons, they are trying to help you get round the problem! Because they want you there and are trying their best to make sure you can attend.

onepieceoflollipop · 07/02/2010 21:05

Could you possibly sort out your own outfit (borrow something, hire from dress agency?) and graciously accept their offer to pay for transport and accommodation. Would that make you feel more able to accept their offers? Sometimes a compromise is the only way...

Tryharder · 07/02/2010 21:06

Honestly? I think you should go. You don't have to buy something new to wear or take expensive presents. I think there are cheap ways to travel if you book in advance or are prepared to go by coach, or get a lift. They are your closest friends. I know you have not posted this in AIBU but had you done so, I would probably you say you were!

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear but they are probably really hurt that people close to them cannot be motivated to go to their wedding.

Lulumama · 07/02/2010 21:06

don;t you want to go?

it sounds like they are being utterly generous, in meeting the costs for you, as they clearly desperately want you to be there
it is such a sahme you are letting pride hold oyu back.

they must really want you to attend

if you could afford it , would you go, or for some reason have you gone off the idea

i don't understand why you would prevaricate when you are being given so much generosity

maristella · 07/02/2010 21:09

soupdragon is right.
this is their big day, and it obviously means so much to them that you're there.
just attend, it matters that you do to the people who matter to you.

QuintessentialSnowStorm · 07/02/2010 21:13

You know, I think you should go. Swallow your pride, and let them pay, if it means so much for them.

I moved away from London two years ago. I really miss my best friend. I have invited her to come visit us on several occasions, I have offered to pay her air fare, as this is what is stopping her. But she has so much pride, she refuses outright. I would give so much, just to have her here, if only for a long weekend.

Go. It means a lot to your friends.

Ewe · 07/02/2010 21:17

If my best friend couldn't come to my wedding because of financial reasons I would probably do exactly the same as your friends.

I would graciously accept the accommodation offer, get yourself a cheap dress from Primark/New Look/in the sale, or have a look on ebay (or someone on here might be able to lend you something? Or borrow from a friend?). I am sure they will understand that you can't afford a gift and if you book the travel now then I am sure you can find a relatively cheap way of doing things.

You really should go if you want to maintain this friendship IMO.

sayithowitis · 07/02/2010 21:18

Normally, in cases like this, I would say that they should just accept that you can't afford to go and leave it at that. However, it sounds to me as though these people really really want you there. You are obviously very special to them . I understand you feel embarrassed, but maybe you can find a compromise to minimise their expense and invite them to you for a lovely meal or something when they get back from honeymoon by way of expressing thanks for their very kind gesture.

They sound like very special friends to me. And you never know, someday, you may have the opportunity to repay them in some way, not financially, but by doing them a big favour or something.

skidoodle · 07/02/2010 21:26

I think they're being ridiculous. It was kind to offer to pay for your accommodation, but impertinent to offer to buy your clothes.

To refuse to accept someone's regrets is very rude.

I would just keep saying no, but stop offering excuses they can try to overcome. Just say you are sorry but you can't make it.

Heated · 07/02/2010 21:33

Would you like to be there?

And do their offers of paying for accommodation and travel (you can sort own clobber) make it possible?

If so, because they are your closest friends and because you are so obviously very important to them, I would go.

JaneS · 07/02/2010 21:35

They sound as if they really want you there, which is kind.

BUT, if you're really uncomfortable, can you claim there's an exam or something on that day?

BrahmsThirdRacket · 07/02/2010 21:36

If they're so desperate to have you there, let them pay. Think of it as them paying for something they want i.e. your company! I would be more miffed if they were demanding you attend but refusing to pay for anything. I understand what you mean about pride, but I would say if they are so convinced they are happy to pay then let them!

FlamingoBingo · 07/02/2010 21:40

You need to go. They clearly desperately want you there - of course they would want to share their special day with someone as close to them as you clearly are. I actually think that it's something that is really important that you do whatever you can to get there. It's not like a birthday party - it's something that will only happen once.

Go!

Fluffyone · 08/02/2010 19:21

Relax and let them help you, but say you will buy your own outfit. If you're not already, get familiar with your local charity shops. I've brought outfits for a ball and several weddings from charity shops in the last couple of years, nothing cost more than £15.
They are being too pushy, but they obviously value your friendship and would dearly love you to be there.

RubysReturn · 08/02/2010 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo · 08/02/2010 19:29

I don't understand why you don't want to go?

butadream · 08/02/2010 19:31

I would let them pay, one day you might be able to repay them if that's bothering you, if you are good enough friends am sure it will work out over the course of a lifetime.

Ziggurat · 08/02/2010 19:41

What's more important - your pride or attending their wedding?

If it's your pride, then keep saying no to them, for no other reason, and acknowledge that the friendship might irreversibly suffer.

If it's attending their wedding, then swallow your pride, and be there on their special day - and be pleased that they care enough to want you there so badly.

heQet · 08/02/2010 19:43

It sounds like they adore you and it really matters to them that you are there. If they understand your situation and want to help you, then go. And be glad that you matter so much to someone.

domesticslattern · 08/02/2010 19:54

Don't you want to go? Is there something else stopping you from going?

RoseWater · 08/02/2010 20:02

What utterly generous (if persistent) friends you have! You are obviously very special to them and they want you there very much.

I would swallow your pride and go - and think of your being there as your wedding gift to them . You can easily /cheaply make them a special keepsake if you feel you couldn't go empty handed.

And perhaps think of it as a long term loan that you can repay when you have graduated and are earning by paying for a short break for their anniversary in 5 /10 / 15 years time.

I really wouldn't let pride damage your friendship and I'm sure your friends would be distraught if they thought that you felt this way.

DuelingFanjo · 08/02/2010 20:03

Do you want to go?

mazzystartled · 08/02/2010 20:09

Do they maybe want you to be their witness?

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