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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to do.

36 replies

Kayzr · 07/02/2010 16:04

I'm really struggling in my marriage. I'm not 100% sure I still want to be with my DH.

His only problem is that he has a temper. I don't think he would lay a hand on me at all but he is just really nasty to the boys. I feel like I spend all day asking him to be nice to them and I don't think I should have to tell him.

He has been to the GP and he was on tablets to help his anxiety until they made him ill. The GP says that it is stress and he was seeing a counsellor who thinks it is his childhood. His parents rowed lots and he saw his mum threaten to kill his dad.

I love him loads but I am sick of living like this. He keeps saying he will stop being so horrible but he never changes.

We can't afford relate so we don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 07/02/2010 16:06

has he always been this way? always had the temper,or is it a new development?

pinkteddy · 07/02/2010 16:10

Your GP ought to be able to refer him to a counsellor on the NHS. There may be a long wait though. He should go back to his GP and request a referral.

Anger management may be another option, although I'm not sure if that is available through the NHS.

Original poster
Kayzr · 07/02/2010 16:11

He had a really bad temper at school but he hadn't shown one with me until the boys came along. DS1 is 3 in march and when he was about 6 months we had our first real row.

He lost his job in January and he has been a lot worse since then. So I think being at home all day isn't helping him.

It's just silly things like if DS1 doesn't answer straight away he will shout at him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayzr · 07/02/2010 16:13

Pinkteddy. He has already done that. His counsellor saw him about 8 times and she said he is fine now.

OP posts:
teasle · 07/02/2010 16:15

Sounds like an awful position to be in.

How old are the DC?

GypsyMoth · 07/02/2010 16:16

anger management rarely works though

how can it be due to stress if he's been this way since school....since he was a child?

pinkteddy · 07/02/2010 16:17

Sorry I didn't notice that in your OP. Well he clearly isn't fine is he! Doesn't sound as though the counsellor helped much. Did he think it helped? Is your GP any good?

You are probably right about being at home all day not helping. Are there likely to be any jobs on the horizon?

daisydora · 07/02/2010 16:20

Oh Kayz hon I'm so sorry to hear this.

Not really sure what to suggest, has he got worse since losing his job?

Does he think he has a problem? It will be hard to get things to change if he doesn't se his behaviour as a problem.

Original poster
Kayzr · 07/02/2010 16:21

DS1 is 3 in March and DS2 is 13 months.

He has been like this since his parents split up. He was 11 and he is now 27. His Mum is the same as he is. He was always made to feel worthless when he was younger. He has muscular dystrophy and was always told he wasn't normal. Then when he moved out he calmed completely.

He said he is worrie he will turn out like his mum but he is doing that and I don't think he knows how to stop it.

He has applied for some jobs but not heard back from anyone yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayzr · 07/02/2010 16:24

Hi Daisy. Yeah he has been worse since losing his job. I think before if he had a day where the boys were playing up it wasn't so bad as he would be getting a break at work the next day.

I do think he thinks he has a problem but he just doesn't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 07/02/2010 16:24

my own ex had a terrible temper too....psychiatrist diagnosed a personality disorder,root of which was alot to do with childhood and his horrific mother....

theres no 'cure' though,no anger management etc

daisydora · 07/02/2010 16:26

He needs more counselling. He is clearly not okay!

Did he originally get referred by his GP? He needs to go back and ask for help.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Kayzr · 07/02/2010 16:31

Yes his GP referred him last time. He has an appointment for something else this week so he will ask about it then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kayzr · 07/02/2010 17:58

Will they let him have more counselloring on the NHS?

OP posts:
daisydora · 07/02/2010 19:30

Kayz I have no idea tbh. But surely if he explains everything to his GP then they will refer him. Question is will he be prepared to tell the GP everything? Or will he play it down.

Original poster
Kayzr · 07/02/2010 19:45

He tells the GP everything. I went with him last time to make sure he told them everything. So I expect he will tell them everything again.

I am really worried he can't change. I am certain he wants to change but what if he can't?

OP posts:
daisydora · 07/02/2010 19:48

I have no idea, but he must try for the boys sake.

Does he realise how much this upsetting you? If he realises how bad things have got then maybe it will be the kick up the arse he needs to sort himself out.

Original poster
Kayzr · 07/02/2010 19:52

I think he realises now. I told him earlier that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with him anymore. I also told him that I don't want to have DC3 if he isn't going to change. He was really upset so it might have gone in.

I'm going to have a talk with him later and make sure he realises that this is it.

OP posts:
daisydora · 07/02/2010 19:54

Good luck and let me know how you get on

Original poster
Kayzr · 07/02/2010 19:56

Thanks. I'll let you know how the chat went.

OP posts:
LadyThompson · 08/02/2010 17:37

I feel very sorry for both of you.

It is no fun being with someone who is constantly being cross but at the same time if he has been constantly belittled by his Mum all his life, it is bound to have had an awful effect on his self-esteem. I should think being out of work precisely targets his lack of self-esteem and brings these feelings back out again.

I see no reason why he should not be referred for more counselling again, particularly if it benefitted him before.

But whilst he has had bad things happen to him he needs to understand that it's not your or the boys' faults and he has got to find a way of breaking the pattern or it will get worse when the boys are older. Anyway, I think he is lucky to have a kind and understanding wife like you, and I really, really hope things improve for you, Kayz.

sybilfaulty · 08/02/2010 19:31

Oh Kayz, so sorry things are tough. LadyT is right, it is no fun being with someone who is cross but I am sure that being out of work is magnifying the problem and making him feel even worse about things than he did before. Is there any sniff of a job around? I agree that he would benefit from counselling, ADs or possibly both, but in the short term he probably feels guilty and embarrassed that you are working and he is not. Being cooped up in the house is hard going too.

How have things been today? Am thinking of you all.

Original poster
Kayzr · 08/02/2010 21:00

Thanks ladies. I really appreciate it.

He was at the GP this afternoon and he has given him some ADs. Again they think it is stress and anxiety. So he is on some tablets and they want to see him in 4 weeks. He hasn't been to bad today. He has been leaving the room if he feels he is going to lose his temper. He has shouted at DS1 twice today but only when he was doing something dangerous.

I think he has realised that I really mean this time.

Syb when I spoke to him last night he said he feels like less of a man, husband and father as he isn't working. So I do think that's why it seems to have escalated in the past few weeks.

OP posts:
maryjane71 · 08/02/2010 21:26

Hello all, my first post so a tad nervous! My dh of 20 years has always been 'GRUMPY', and for the first few years I accepted it was anger from his parents' divorce, they never hid their arguements from him. And his mother was the one who left, quite unheard of in the 80s. But after living/being married to me and our dd(?) that excuse wears thin after a while! It's not my fault - get over it! They let you down fine, take your anger out on them, not me! Phew, this is therapy in itself!

EffiePerine · 09/02/2010 09:06

Kayz: you're all in a stressful situation at the moment. Shouting at the boys is not on, but it does sound like he acknowledges the problem and wants to change. I have to say I have issues with DH doing similar things - he has a quick temper and will flare up and shout - BUT I'm going to disagree a bit with other posters and say it isn't necessarily the worst thing he can do. I don't think losing your temper on occasion is automatically abusive. Does he apologise afterwards? Do they cuddle and make up? Personally I prefer the flare-ups and rows to having long-term sulks and passive aggressive behaviour, but you need to think about what works for you and what his behaviour means (and represents) in your situation. With us I know DH loves the boys and wants what is best for them, they have a lot of fun together and are very affectionate. He just loses it with some aspects of behaviour (and 3yos can be very trying!). Does that make sense?

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