Not sure what to do.

[Kayzr]

I'm really struggling in my marriage. I'm not 100% sure I still want to be with my DH.

His only problem is that he has a temper. I don't think he would lay a hand on me at all but he is just really nasty to the boys. I feel like I spend all day asking him to be nice to them and I don't think I should have to tell him.

He has been to the GP and he was on tablets to help his anxiety until they made him ill. The GP says that it is stress and he was seeing a counsellor who thinks it is his childhood. His parents rowed lots and he saw his mum threaten to kill his dad.

I love him loads but I am sick of living like this. He keeps saying he will stop being so horrible but he never changes.

We can't afford relate so we don't know where to go from here.

Yes that does make sense Effie. They always make up afterward. DS1 tells DH he needs to sit on the naughty step. I think he is trying really hard to sort himself out. I just hope it works.

None of us are perfect as parents and I think children are pretty accepting of this - as long as it doesn't escalate of course. Which I guess is what you are worrying about. Lol at DH sitting on the naughty step!

There does seem to be more of a clash between boys and their fathers - DS1 can certainly press all DH's buttons! I get far less wound up (most of the time) but I suspect we might switch over at some point.

Hi Kayzr,

I'm sorry you are having a rough time at the moment but its really good your DH can admit to you how bad he feels about not being able to work, my DH tends to take his own feelings of failure out on the children sometimes. Your DH probably feels like he is letting you down because you want to give up work so much and have DC3. Not an excuse but it sounds like he is working at it and he loves you and the boys very much.

I dont have much advice to give but I think Effies is great. Myself and DH both have a bit of a temper and its not possible to hide it all the time (or perhaps healthy), so we always talk to the kids about it after, this especially seems to help when the kids are angry about their own things, they can understand a bit more why they get angry and we get angry sometimes. But it is hard to find an outlet for your anger and frustration when you have the responsibilities of small children.

I hope you get some time together and I'm sure a job will come up soon.

jsut picking up on another angle - what type of MD does he have?

is he angry because the boys have it too?

or jealous of them because they dont?

has he explored those issues with the counsellor?

could he access some counselling thru the MD organization?

another angle - if it is just anger with the boys - is to look at parenting courses in your area eg "positive parenting" that kind of thing, focusing on how damaging shouting at kids can be and how they need positive reinforcement.

if he is shouting at them now when they so young what he will be like when they older and will play up even more?

is he able to enjoy the extra time with them being off work or is it a burden for him?

can he take them to soft play, to play in the park, that kind of thing or is that difficult due to his MD?

is would be very sad if he is seeing this time off work as a negative thing -rather than a chance to enjoy time with the boys when they young...yes we all need a break/go to work etc but he could be looking at it more positively... as a parent...

he has a chance whiel he looking for work to give a lot more of himself to them and enjoy this time.

He has Becker Muscular Dystrophy. The boys don't have it and there is no way that he is jealous. I am really shocked and a bit angry that someone would suggest that he would be jealous of the fact that his children aren't going to end up in wheelchairs unable to move by the age of 50.

His anger has nothing to do with his MD. The only problem his MD has caused is his mother calling him abnormal as he grew up.

We've done parenting courses and they haven't helped at all.

He can take them to the park but it's bloody freezing so not to keen on having them out too much. No soft play anywhere near here.

didnt mean to offend - just trying to see if any other angles there.

perhaps "jealous" is wrong word - i have disabled son and i know i had strong feelings when my friends had "typical" children. i was angry/jealous/upset...gotten over it now. my exP got v angry with it all and this manifested in his anger. so disability can lead to anger. i have also met disabled adults who have told me how they experienced a great deal of anger at the injustice of it at times in their lives.

but clearly this is totally different.

disability/chronic conditions within a family can arouse strong - and perhaps sometimes strange - feelings (as per his mother?), but if is way off the mark then that is good. cross that one out...

but - it may give you a way into free counselling (you say you cannot afford relate) thru various organizations like the MD org? even if his condition has nothing to do with the anger, you could utilise what is on offer from the relevant support groups.

shame you dont have soft play locally...what about swimming pool, or library?

Kayz, what a lot you have on your plate Some good advice on here, but mainly just wanted to say that I am really hoping for some good news on your DH's job front in the near future.

There is a swimming pool but DH can't swim so he feels a bit worried about taking them alone.

They go to the library twice a week.

I will see if we can get counselling through MD.

kayz, how are you today?

I think cestlavielife meant well in her suggestion and I think that possibly exploring the idea of counselling through MD could be an idea.

Also think effie speaks wise words!

DH has been really good the past few days so I am really hoping that he is changing. I think the tablets are working plus him actively trying to control his temper.