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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much longer can i be made a mug of?

42 replies

queenoftheslatterns · 06/02/2010 21:16

dh isnt a bad man, he isnt abusive and he loves us but this is the 2nd time in a month that i have started a thread like this. he goes out nearly every weekend, if its not football its someones birthday/wetting baby's head/been dumped. he always goes out about 4ish (today was later because of nephews birthday party) he wassupposed to go into RAF this week and hasnt because of medical issues. he hasnt worked for years. was going to uni but hasnt graduated etc. we have NO money. he promised me faithfully that he would be home by 7. still out and not answering his phone. samwe thing happened a few weeks ago. in fact same thing happens every time he goes out. its not so much the going out thing (although i am annoyed today) its the fact that he NEVER comes home on time.

wtf should i do?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 06/02/2010 21:17

lock the door?

i am not surprised you are seething

Original poster
queenoftheslatterns · 06/02/2010 21:19

im even more pissed off because i waited til 9 to cook dinner. now his is ruined. im furious.

OP posts:
ascouser · 06/02/2010 21:21

whats good for the goose....
try it yourself and ask him how he feels ?

traumaqueen · 06/02/2010 21:22

to answer you original question 'as long as you carry on letting him'.

Frankly he is being a bad man, he is abusing you in the sense that he is refusing to take any responsibility for his family or put his family's needs above his own selfish lazyness, and I am sure he thinks he loves you but he's not acting like someone who loves you is he?

I think you should dump him. He isn't going to change unless you stop making it possible for him to act like this.

Lulumama · 06/02/2010 21:23

this sounds serious.

is he going to be going into the RAF in the future, or is this it?

how are you making ends meet if he is not working?

what does he do all day, is he cooking/cleaning/ picking up DS from nursery or school?

who has he gone out with?

is he depressed ?

or just being an arse|

rubyslippers · 06/02/2010 21:24

seriously - eat your dinner, have a glass of wine and lock the door

Original poster
queenoftheslatterns · 06/02/2010 21:24

his fucking mate has just rung me up and said "lissie, Ive kidnapped dont be cross with him, its my fault" ffs how OLD are they? i replied "well then he can sleep on your sofa tonight" i know that im effectively allowing him but every time we have a row about it then he brings up my PND and anorexia and insists that he will get custody of ds.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 06/02/2010 21:27

that is horrid

why would he throw that in your face

i would text back and suggest he stays at his mates for a while longer

i would be livid

TheButterflyEffect · 06/02/2010 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
queenoftheslatterns · 06/02/2010 21:30

lulu, i have a pt time job and one way or another we are sort of muddling through. dont know what will happen with the RAF now, he can try again in august, doubt he will though. he does the housework etc (though dont i know about it) and not depressed, just a selfish knob.

ruby, im soooo cross. am shaking.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 06/02/2010 21:34

QoS.. i have to be blunt.. bring up your PND and ED and saying he would get custody , is acutally abusive

he is grinding you down to accept him, as you are the worse person

i know you had issues a year or two ago and you've come back from that , but what's changed?

he is not working or studying or being supportive

he either has no self respect/self esteem if he can bum around for years or he is depressed

eitehr way, he has responsibilities that need meeting, why the hell should you carry the whole famiyl?

rubyslippers · 06/02/2010 21:34

am so sorry - i feel sad and angry that your H is being so selfish

no easy answers but i think you need to start thinking about whether you want to go on indefinitely like this ...

Lulumama · 06/02/2010 21:35
  • worse person, in his opinion!!

any family court would look at you, PND and ED included, and see you've worked and struggled to maintain the family home, whilst he has not done a stroke for 7 years..

it would not go well in his favuor

Original poster
queenoftheslatterns · 06/02/2010 21:37

thank you. i hate him for making me feel like this. he has spurts of applying for jobs but nothing ever comes to fruition. if he isnt home in 10 mins i am going to bed.

OP posts:
ascouser · 06/02/2010 21:39

That is bad, it is abusive and it's not a loving thing to say that stuff to you.
Address the issues, be strong

Lulumama · 06/02/2010 21:40

have a glas of wine, hot bath and go to bed

if he wants to behave like a 17 year old, then let him

and when his hangover has worn off, it's time for a serious talk

im afraid i would not have had the patience you have had for so long

he is behaving like a child

it's not an attractive trait in a husband and fatehr

Original poster
queenoftheslatterns · 06/02/2010 21:42

thank you. was starting to think i was overreacting!

OP posts:
Lulumama · 06/02/2010 21:44

no, you're not.

i am sorry , very sorry, to hear this , esp. after all you ahve been through together

he needs to man up , quite frankyl, and grow a pair

Original poster
queenoftheslatterns · 06/02/2010 21:49

he is back. i wont let him in. have put his dinner and one of the cakes ds and i made for him on the doorstaep.

OP posts:
Julezboo · 06/02/2010 22:03

hope your okay lissie.

Original poster
queenoftheslatterns · 06/02/2010 22:50

shit, shit, shit. he was banging the door to be let in, dog was going berserk and he swore that he only wanted to see ds then he would go. he wouldnt leave. i asked him several times. he started being nasty again so i told him if he didnt go i would call police. on phone to lovely lady he insisted that he wouldnt leave, they would have to come out. so she sent police out. police have just left, taken him to MIL's.

i have done the right thing havent i? feel like im in the wrong now.

OP posts:
BooHooo · 06/02/2010 22:57

You poor thing. You are no way in the wrong what on earth does he bloody expect?

He sounds useless. How have you put up with this? This must have been building up inside you for so long.

BitOfFun · 06/02/2010 23:01

Of course you have done the right thing. You are a bloody trojan. He's had his chips- tell him tomorrow to sort himself out or fuck the fuck off.

Snorbs · 06/02/2010 23:02

You have most definitely done the right thing. You are showing him that he cannot continue making a mug of you.

Be proud of yourself for making a stand!

bumpybecky · 06/02/2010 23:03

you are not in the wrong here!

he sounds like a nightmare

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