Did anyone have their mother leave the family home, leave you with your father

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

and you are fine now?

not me, but my dp's mother left him and his sister when he was 8 and his sister about 12 i think.

His relationship with both of his parents in my opinion is like the relationship you would have with an old friend, neither parent seems to care that much about him, his sister basically raised him, she died a few years ago, and this has affectedly him badly.

His dad is a great man, but a shit dad, and his mother seems detached, you can see she loves him, but when we are at there house it feels like she doesn't know how to be his mum.

As a result he has hardly any contact with them, we haven't seen his dad in years and we see his mum about once a year.

I think i over compensate, i completly spoil him, he needs extra love

Mostly he is ok, but he is odd with his emotions, (doesn't really show any, aside from with me).

He is an odd bod but so lovely

yes and yes. why?

My brother's wife left him with their two children, his child from a previous relationship AND her child from a previous relationship. It was VERY hard. My niece told me recently that the hardest thing was that no one else was in a comparable situation. They knew plenty of people whose fathers had left but none whose mothers had. And she said that she felt growing up that she must have been particularly unlovable for her "mother^ to have left her. Unreasonable and unfair, but that's what she felt at the time.

My mum left when I was 17 but my sister was 8. My dad was a broken man but managed to pull it together. Myself and my older brother did our share of babysitting/housework when we could (I was living 30 miles away at college).
My sister has only just moved out at 22, to live with her lovely boyfriend. She's perfectly well adjusted AFAIK- popular, good relationships, job, tropical fish.

Oh for the record we still see mum in a normal capacity and she's lovely, and holds a lot of guilt about what she did- this may well be the difference in our case.

dh's mum left when he was 7

he does not talk about but says he is not affected , but I think he has decided not to face it.

Him and his mum are not close at all. more like acquaintances.

Very sad.

my mum left my dad with the three of us, my sister was 5 yrs, my brother 4yrs and i was 2yrs old. Grwoing up was fine, dad did a great job.

We are all like best friends. BUt at times it was difficult as my dad is quite reserved emotinally. And we didn't really get the hugs and kisses that our friends used to get. BUt we knew he loved us deeply.

I sometimes feel the kids will be better off without me.

Can a bad mum really be better than no mum?

My mum didn't want me and I haven't lived with her since I was 15 months old (ish) and haven't seen her for over 15 years and have no wish to ever see or speak to her again.

DH is a much better father than I am mother.

Are you talking to anyone or getting help with these feelings?

My therapist just tells me my kids need me.

Why do you think your a bad mum? how old are they?

Sounds like you are doing the right thing getting therapy Fab. Your kids do need you, honest to god they do. I think you should take all the time you need to work on getting yourself strong again, not just for your kids' sake but also your own and your DH!

Yes and yes. However, my mother kept it quiet from us for at least 2 years and one day it was "I'm going to x and am never coming back, be a good girl for your dad". I was 16, eldest sibling 17, youngest was 10.

It didn't really hit me at the time and I thought that she was just going to "find herself". However, I was devastated when I finally conceded that she was never to return. It was an acrimonious break up between her and my father and they can never be in the same room.

My mother made contact with all of us individually 4 years later but of course, it was really awkward to begin with. All of us have a very different relationship with her and at times I used to cringe at her wanting to be "best friends" with me and over compensate by buying expensive gifts or things that I used to like as a child but couldn't have. It felt as though she wanted to mother me which I didn't need at 20 and continued this even after I got married. I have since made it clear to her that although I am her child, that is just biology and it doesn't mean that I am a child and that I have no such needs to be met. I do however still want her to be part of my family and be a good grandparent to DD and DS. She spoils them rotten.

Sorry it's been a long post, I know that this is about you and not me. I think that had my mother been honest about her leaving from an early stage and not tried to "protect us" then she would not have the "messy" relationships that she has with some of us. I do keep in touch with her and am amicable towards her but my sister who was 10 when it happened still feels cheated and can get very wound up if the past is mentioned.

You need to be honest to your family at the very minimum about your feelings. What is it that makes you think that you are a bad mum to them? What does your DH think? Your kids need you whether they are 2 or 20.

Yes I chose to stay with my father. I wouldn't say I escaped unscathed. I have issues. It was complicated though.

Oh Fab! Your kids do need you, just as my kids need me.

My mum left when I was 12, my sis 10 and my brother 4. I don't want to put up too many details as I suspect both my mother and sister read MN, and they get a bit cross if I post anything personal (though it is my story to tell as much as theirs). She ran off with my Dad's best friend. We're now estranged and I hardly talk to my sis either, who justifies Mum's behaviour.

SHe left, and no, I am not OK, I'm in intensive therapy again. I have ongoing mh issues.

Your therapist is right. I often say to my dh that the kids would be better off without my (when I am down) and he always says I am a better mum to them sick than anyone else ever would be well.

I don't want to say much more but feel free to CAT me if you want to talk in more detail.

My mum left me - though not to be with my father (nobody knew who he was) but left me with my gran.

It was particularly warped as I was then raised to believe that my mum was my sister and my gran was my mum. I found out the truth when I was 6. I saw my mum then about half a dozen times from aged 6 to 16.

When we got in touch when I was 16, it took a loooooong time for us to develop a relationshi, it was a relationship which was always one sided, and I was always doing the running. She had left me high and dry with an abusive grandmother, it was hard to come to terms with.

We had an almighty row in October (all related really to my gran's death last spring - it unleashed a whole load of bitterness on both our parts) and we have been off speakers since. Thats it for us now, I think.

I have been heartbroken by this and have felt like a worthless piece of rubbish for a long time. I have been a nightmare to live with. I am terrified of DP leaving me, and also ultimately DD grwing up and mving away.

God. Ramble on.

Fab please talk to someone about how you feel - what you are feeling (will my kids be better off without me) must be directly rekated to how you feel about your mother buggering off. Please don't feel useless, your kids I am sure love you and would be gutted if you left.

Weegie - i am the same. I say to DP - you will be better off without me, you are going to leave in the end anyway so you might as well go now, you and dd are going to go and I am absolutely worthless. I think he is afraid of what I say sometimes.

It's not very good is it

I also hate the fact she still has this (small) level of control over me. I hate it and I am going to get rid of it!

eatsshootsleaves - please don't apologise. Your post has helped me as we have had similar experiences. My mother used to buy me a lot of presents at Christmas which caused no end of trouble when I had to take them back to the foster home I was in. She would also buy my fireworks and say they were just for me - not for my foster parents natural son. She also tried to be my mother and best friend, tried to tell me what to do, and I hated it. between about 16-18 we saw each other occasionally but it never worked.

Having therapy has made me realise so many things. I know now why I expect no one to like me. I know why I never feel good enough. I know why I have an unbreakable need to see my first love. I know why I think my husband will leave me. I know why I expect my kids to fix me. I just feel pointless in this world and just so and ashamed all the time.

Yes, she was unhappy for some years and then decided leaving my Dad was the answer. She wanted to take me but they couldn't agree on money so she just went.

As far as I remember, I was about 17, came home and she'd gone. Other things subsequently happened which were truly awful and left me and siblings with plenty of baggage.

Fab, I think it's great that you're seeing a counsellor. I've been pretty miserable at times over the years and was stuck with a H that just couldn't understand also and therefore felt unsupported. At times, I felt an unworthy mum as a result and occasionally also wondered whether my DCs would be better without me. I realise now though that that was because I was generally unahappy and have none of those feelings now.

my mum left my dad when i was 7 and my sister 5, she moved in with a man who had two daughters the same sort of ages as us who we were friends with(our fathers worked together, their mum died of cancer)my mother proceeded to bring the girls up and we stayed with dad. dad died 5 years ago in august and i often wished she had died instead. my sister is addicted to codiene and one of my ss is bullumic and yes i think it has to do with the selfish decision my mother made when we were kids.

Fab, I am glad you are having therapy to help you these feelings and all I can say is that My mum is not perfect in any way and has her own issues, but I love her and if she had left me when I was young because of her own issues I wouldn't have been able to forgive her.

Your Children need you, nobody needs to be perfect, in fact that in itself leads to problems, but being there is a massive part of what children need.

Unless you are violent to your kids or crush their self-esteem by telling them they are worthless day in day out, I'd doubt they would be better off without you.

Sorry you're feeling so down again, Fab.

For what it's worth, your kids do need YOU.

They are still so young yet they could never understand why you left - they'll think it was because of them: that they weren't lovable enough, or were too naughty.

Anyone who's seen just a handful of your posts knows you love them, don't give your babies any reason to think otherwise.

Q&A - your post about how you wouldn't forgive your mum if she had left because of her problems makes me realise I really can't do it. My kids don't get how much I love them but they are what has kept me alive tbh as there is no way I want them to feel the way I do.

HesterP - Ironically I probably wouldn't be as bad as I am now if I hadn't had kids but it isn't their fault I am like this, I am just messed up chemically now as well as emotionally.

I went on this morning for some space. Spoke to someone, phoned DH, he told me to come home and we have just come back from me taking them all out for lunch and to get a new light for our bedroom. I am about to do roast dinner and potter in the kitchen.

I know what I need to do in some of my problems but not others and I also need to stop letting my emotions run away with me.

I need to keep very very busy.

I want to say thank you to all of you have taken the time to reply. It means so much that people are bothered enough, especially those of you who seem to know me. Maybe I am not a lost cause afterall.

Thank you.