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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did anyone have their mother leave the family home, leave you with your father

51 replies

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 06/02/2010 18:30

and you are fine now?

OP posts:
QandA · 07/02/2010 18:40

I am pleased to have been able to pay back just a little of the great advice and support you gave me earlier in the week Fab.

You know you are not a lost cause and you need to hold on to the good times and fight as hard as you can to get away from the bad ones.

nickschick · 07/02/2010 18:42

Fab you are a dafty .

You are a lovely mum - dont you dare think anything else about yourself - your dc would be debastated without you - so just concentrate on getting your head 'sorted'* and then you will see what a lovely family you really are.

*I mean that in a nice way.

LuigiB · 07/02/2010 19:09

My mum left me and my father when I was 16. She had a mental breakdown and couldn't cope with the responsibility of a husband and child. She was unstable for a number of years and my father then became depressed. So I guess I was on my own from about 16 onwards.

I have a great relationship with my father now but my mother I keep at arms length as I guess I am afraid she will abandon me again.

I have had chronic depression for more than a decade (I am in my thirties) and have co-dependency problems and difficulties in establishing my true identity other than as a carer for my parents.

However I have a great husband and ds, a good job and am relatively stable and functional, so I guess it's not all bad!

HTH

GetOrfMoiLand · 07/02/2010 19:15

Bless you Fab. You sound as if you are having a very toygh time at the moment. I know exactly how yoi feel.

I am currently going throygh a hard time emotionally - I hold down a FT job, long commute, hold the house together, on the outsied everything is normal and I appear to be a happy, cheerful woman. But, to be honest I am just waiting for myself to crack.

Have an appt with dr this week as I have just been trying to hold my mind together and I realise it isn't working, so I need some help.

Fab I really hope you can find some nugget of self belief in your soul that convinces you that you are a good loving mother, as I am ure you are. I hope you feel better soon.

maristella · 07/02/2010 19:26

Fab, i'm glad you have the courage to stay. fwiw i'm far from being the perfect parent, but i'm here. no, dc's childhood is not perfect, but it's the best i can give him. and it's really important to me that he has more emotional support than i received as a child.
please recognise that by staying put you have already given your dc's so much more than you were given as a child by your mother. don't give yourself such a hard time, you should be patting yourself on the back.

Original poster
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 07/02/2010 19:29

It is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I used to work as a nanny and that was easy compared to having full responsibility and all the emotions that go with being their mum. I could also get the kids to behave but not mine.

OP posts:
eatsshootsleaves · 07/02/2010 21:26

Hello Fab, your post at 14:31 today sounded much more positive than your earlier ones. It sounds as if you've had a lovely time with your children today.

I can certainly empathise with how difficult being a good mother must be and more so because of my own relationship with my mother. You must realise that you are not your mother and that your children are benefiting so much already from your being there.

Monty100 · 07/02/2010 23:37

Fab, I often come across your very wise and lovely posts, so much so that I 'recognise' you.

You are not your mum. You are fabulous fab and you sound like a great mum and a great woman to me. So there.

minxofmancunia · 08/02/2010 00:02

fab you have given me some fantastic advice you are a lovely person.

echo what the others have said, you're not your mum. You are a lovely mum and I expect you're an amazing Mum. i've had v dark feelings too sometimes about my "mum" capabilities but i think i do pk.

i expect you do far far better than you realise x

lisalisa · 08/02/2010 00:08

My dh's mum left him twice during his lif an yes I think ( and he does too) that it has greatly affected him.

the first time she left he was 5 and they lived with grandparents abroad ( with mum and dad) and then mum and dad split and dad went to another country and mum left too going overseas. Dh says he was miserable frightened and scared.

His father finally came for him about 3 yrs later and took him to his country with dh's sister. There they thrived and genuinely grew - both phsyically ( they were half starved iwth grandparents) and emotionally. As a result dh hero worships his father even though i can see he has many many failings.

Father and mother then got back together again and mother left again when ds was 18. By then dh had a younger brother who was 11 at the time. Mohter left younger brother and father left him too to get married. That younger brother now is the most amazing character i have evern met but because of his exper9inces - extremely sensitive, kind and thoughtful etc.

dh however stuggles ab it with basic parental responsiblity and duties etc. he has learnt in last 16 yrs of marrieage and tries hard but has been sullied by his past

Shiregirl · 08/02/2010 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

weegiemum · 08/02/2010 08:29

shiregirl I kno what you mean about it being an opportunity and gift! I feel like I have the opportunity here to stop the generations of screwed up women in my family - my Mum, my Gran (to a lesser extent), my great-gran, and me. But not my daughters, they will not suffer from desertion or neglect or emotional insufficiency.

Its why I work so hard at my therapy - I will get better, I am a great mum, I am not my mother and will not be!

Original poster
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 08/02/2010 09:39

Thank you all [smile.

My mother is insistent that I will never be happy until I realise that everything she ever did was for me and that bugs me big time because I honestly can not think of anything she did for me that was in my best interests. Other than giving me a lovely first name and my father's surname. It causes me so much and . too.

OP posts:
weegiemum · 08/02/2010 09:42

Fab, my mother "did it all for me" as well, and when I didn't accept that I got tears and "but I needed to be happy, don't you want me to be happy".

Its all about her. Always has been, always will be.

Original poster
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 08/02/2010 10:01

Maybe your mum is mine.

OP posts:
weegiemum · 08/02/2010 18:02

Well if she is then you are my estranged lesbian sister! Nice to see you again!

Original poster
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 08/02/2010 20:29

That is hilarious. On thread's I am on I could see up to Nic and my half sister is Nicola and I thought we might be related!!

OP posts:
allaboutme · 08/02/2010 20:41

My Mum left when I was 14 and left me and my younger brother and sister with my Dad.
She left my Dad, not us, she just wasnt able to take us with her.
We still saw her all the time though and are very close now. All fine.
If you really want to leave then you should, but plan carefully and you should be able to work out a good custody agreement where you wont have to leave your children and will be able to still have a good relationship with them.

norksinmywaistband · 08/02/2010 20:50

I read the OP thinking I had nothing to offer.
My mother left ( well committed suicide when I was a teen, with younger siblings)
It has greatly affected us all.
Mainly in how we resolve/ ignore our own relationship issues, how we relate to other family members and how we have many emotional issues linked to her leaving.
I know it is a slightly different scenario, BUT I do believe a child deserves and needs a relationship with both parents( unless there is risk of harm to the child)

Original poster
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 08/02/2010 20:54

I am not going anywhere.

I love my children too much and I know how it feels for your mum not to put you first.

I am sorry I posted this if I have upset anyone. I wasn't in a great place and was just trying to work out what to do for the best.

I love my kids.

OP posts:
nickschick · 08/02/2010 23:30

We know you do fab it was just a bad day thats all- tis over now though.

Original poster
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 09/02/2010 11:11

I am good atm and I find that quite scary to be honest. Waiting for it to turn bad.

OP posts:
nickschick · 09/02/2010 15:36

Dont waste the good time waiting for bad stuff fab .

moid · 09/02/2010 15:47

DH's mum left when he was 10 leaving two girls as well. She left and ran off with another man, but still lived in the same village and had another baby. She was sort of absent and not very interested in her first kids, his dad was a working class illiterate gambler so didn;t deal with things very well. DH left home when he was 16ish, had a heroin habit, was intinerant homeless for a while and then sorted himself out and when he was 18 got the money to catch a train to London, went into a restaurant and got a pot washing job, then found a bedsit!

Up and down but he is a survivor.

Didn't see his dad again who is now dead, made contact with sisters and mum but they are not a family.

Yes it is hugely affected him and his mothers desertion has made it very difficult to make long standing relationships. My family is pretty strong and that has given him strength but he is 50 now and it never will ever leave him.

Coldhands · 09/02/2010 19:59

I have only read the first page, so not see all the replies.

My mum left me when I was 4. Not with my dad, but at my nans. I stayed at my dads at weekends. This was 24 years ago and she still won't have anything to do with me.

IMHO, a child never gets over their mother not wanting them. It is a very sore subject for me, even more now that I am a mum myself. I simply cannot get my head around it. I have found out certain details and I remember more than I want to about my time with her. She basically didn't want me and made it plain to SS who continued to do nothing until my 'mother' just left one day when I was at my nans house. We went back to find she had gone and SS knew all about it. Although the original plan was for me to go and be put into foster care so my 'mother' could vist if she wanted to. I don't really care for SS tbh.

It is not something I will ever be able to face properly as she will not talk to me so I can't ask her. Although I'm sure I would end up beating the crap out of her for the total rejection that I always feel. She has made me feel like a totally worthless person. And even though I am happy (mostly) with my life atm, there is always this sense of being such a horrible person that her own 'mother' didn't like or want. That will never go away and I will never forgive her for that. I have very low self esteem and cling to people as a result and take and sort of rejection very badly. This is what any person who was rejected by their mother would feel. I imagine.

So whatever you are feeling, please please don't do it. And also remember that children remember things from a very young age. If you do feel this way, get all the support you can and speak to your doctor (if you haven't already).