Can anyone 'listen' to this man? Am I nuts?

[anniemak]

This is my first post so please bear with me. I'd love some perspectives/advice.

I've been with DP for 9 years - we have DD 7yrs and DS 5yrs. At least once or twice a year, we have a big row or I do something wrong (e.g. 'disrespect' him) and DP says that he can't stand it any more, he gets really angry - chucks stuff around, really shouts, says awful things about me etc. He usually leaves for a few weeks and then usually through practical arrangements with the kids he comes back and we eventually make up. This most recently happened in Sept last year - he said he didn't love me anymore, I needed to get someone else to help with the kids and he was moving out. All this was in a lot more depth/detail than before. I spent a few weeks thinking that I couldn't cope - but then I did. Got a childminder etc, took kids away for Xmas to see family without DP etc.

A bit of background - I work full time. After DS was born we agreed that I would go to work and he wanted chance to stay with kids. He has done a few different jobs over the years, had a go at running his own business etc. He's recently started saying that 'I looked after the kids for 7 years' in fact he looked after DD for a year before she went to nursery, I stayed off work for a year with DS and the rest of the time they were in full time nursery, since they've been at school he has looked after them between end of school and when I get back from work 6.30ish.)

However, it's now February he hasn't really moved out, all his stuff is here and he has been staying at friends/flat sitting etc. He comes back, raids fridge, sees the kids (is for the most part a great dad) but I never know when he's coming. I had to tell him to stay away when childminder started because he was here all the time. watching what she was doing and interfering.

Every time we try to talk it's usually impossible. He really feels that I don't listen to him - I feel that he keeps telling me the same thing (it's all my fault, nothing can be done, situation is hopeless etc). He also blames me for everything and has no hope about the future of the relationship. He acts like a tyrant and talking to him often feels like being cross examined - about what I haven't listened to properly or that I've misinterpreted/read things into what he said that aren't true.

There's a part of me that wants to make it work, go to counseling etc. Am I nuts - is that just a fantasy?

Anyone been here before?

Honestly? He doesn't sound that pleasant. Get him to move his stuff and have a complete break from him. Sounds like you were managing fine without him.

is he paying the mortgage? i mean, is it legally your place/ his place/ joint ownership?

i think he's got used to the fact that he can come and go as he pleases tbh. it's up to you to make a firm decision and formally arrange seperation and access if that's what you want. all this toing and froing doesn't sound like it's doing you any favours...

any chances of you finding your 'own' place with the kids rather than stay in the place that he sees as his? easier to create boundaries that way, maybe?

Thanks for replies.

Our flat is in joint names but I have paid mortgage since the start. I went to see solicitor a few months ago. She suggested best thing for me would be that he moves out so I can then demonstrate that I have made an alternative arrangement that suits DC.
I am thinking of trying to buy him out inititally.

What is stopping me? the more I put it in black and white it really is an intolerable situation - I think the crux is how do I really get him to take action and go? Legally he has as much right to be in the flat as I do..?

If he 'left' in September, it'd be reasonable to ask him to get his things out, surrender his key, & only come round by arrangement.

Are you still sleeping together...?

It does sound a bit that you're expecting him to come back, because he has before, & so you're letting him get away with opting out of your shared life, but bobbing back in when it suits him.

Tbh I think you should tell him that if he's 'moved out', then you need to organise something a bit less haphazard about time with the dc, & he can't store his stuff with you any longer.

& don't even consider counselling or trying to sort the relationship out, until he's the one making the running. Atm he's doing a great job of still making you run around appeasing him whilst he keeps his options open.

try to firm up the separation. if he doesn't play ball could you maybe find different accomodation for you and kids?

it sounds unsalvagable, marriage-wise.

Hi - no we are not sleeping together.

I think you're right I'm letting him get away with opting out of our shared life. I have sorted everything out (childminder etc) and now he has even less responsiblity and is contributing even less than before. I've asked him to arrange times with me etc but it all needs to step up a notch so that he takes it seriously. One issue is that I don't really have an ultimate sanction

I'd love him to surrender key but I really don't think would happen without a fight. There is no legal grounds for it because his name is on the lease and legally he has as much right as me to be here.

Anyone resolved that one before?

try the lone parents section... you'll get loads of advice over there.

thanks. he has not been here for weeks at a time over the last few months - i think it depends on whether friends can tolerate him staying there.

maybe I could do with more legal advice. (the last one cost nearly £200 and kept wanting to give me examples from her failed relationship) the impression I get is that legal route is complex and also quite risky - especially in terms of claims to jointly owned property

I think the kids have got used to this state of affairs which is really depressing 'are you sleeping here tonight daddy?' He sleeps on sofa when he does

thanks. I've had a quick look in legal section and I think that changing the locks would be illegal in this case and I wouldn't have grounds to do it.

Is he a parasite? Probably his arguement would be he looked after kids to allow me to go to work. Mine would be that he's been able to do what he wants over recent years and still blame me for how he feels.

As a working mum I'm really sensitive to being criticised for not spending enough time with the kids. But if I look at situations of my friends where woman is at home, man at work I usually see that there is much more co-operation and time together with the kids and that has been limited with us. Typically our weekend would be him saying that's it - I've looked after kids all week (even if they've been at school) and now it's your turn and he would disappear for the day - whilst I would do weekly shop, washing etc. We haven't been on family holiday for a couple of years - I usually take kids away in summer.

He has spent time and energy on doing up the flat but we would always argue about that too. He wants total and constant praise but says he wants honesty.

I need to get my energy up to force a shift in the situation...how does everyone keep going when this kind of stuff is going on?

It's short term pain for long term gain. Like childbirth or a driving test.

Also having good advice and some sort of plan makes all the difference.

Find another good solicitor - ask for free half hour 'chemistry' meeting and see two or three. Go along armed with facts - financial situation, who lives where and who does what etc and with a veiw of what you want for the future (living arrangements, childcare etc).

You and the children have the right to a settled, reasonable, predictable and considerate arrangement for access. You have the right to be happy and secure. He is being selfish and unreasonable and damaging your lives. Stand up for your kids and yourself - your kids need you to.

Yes, he IS a parasite. His constant criticism is an attempt to get you to submit to him and accept that he is much more important than you and can do what he likes. The next time he starts, try saying 'I'm not interested in your opinion. Shut up.' At least, say it in your head and remember that his opinion doesn't matter, he's not right, and you are a good person and a good mum.
SO get a good solicitor, find out the best way of formalising his access to the DC and getting him out of the house (ie being able to change the locks and not have him coming and going as he pleases, it;s your home and the kids home, not his any more.)

Will look for another solicitor. I need to get flat valued first which I will make appointment for this week.

Your replies are pointing out things that I've never noticed e.g using his defences before mine.

Violence - yes he has been violent in the past but not in last couple of years - but now when he gets upset it's plates, glasses etc that get thrown/smashed.

If I changed the locks without full back up I can guarantee that he would put a brick through the window or smash the door in to prove the point that he can't be locked out. So this is something that I need to feel really secure about doing.

it is still criminal damage if you change the locks and he smashes something to get back in.

I would tell him he is being unkind to the children as they are in limbo he needs to move out properly, stop coming around without arranging it with you etc and then you can sort out the finances.

You could instruct a solicitor to start mediation with him.

thanks for support

I don't think he has anyone else.

He joined TA about 18 months ago and is obsessed with going to fight in Afghanistan. I think he thinks he can carry this situation on until he gets called up. I can't really ascertain fact from fiction in this scenario. He is 44 and to me this is a classic mid life crisis.

The whole TA thing is something that I really cannot relate to. It was not part of him at all when we got together.

He has been controlling in terms of being verbally threatening, throwing things at me, throwing things around and trying to manipulate me emotionally. But not controlling in terms of finances - I have always dealt with money I don't think he would have a clue about finances/legal etc. Although thinking about it.

He doesn't take responsibility for his actions at all and feels that he is the one hard done by - so when during an arguement he swiped the plate with my breakfast off the table (before xmas) and threw it over the kitchen wall - he described this as stimulus - response - so my fault because I wound him up in the first place.

The more that I write this stuff the more extreme everything sounds - I have just got used to it.

WHat a horrible man. Please bear in mind that if you change the locks and he then smashes windows or doors, you can call the police, who will come and arrest him and TAKE HIM AWAY.
He doesn't have superpowers. He's not the ruler of the world. He's just a knob, and you do NOT have to put up with his nasty behaviour. I expect he has convinced you (as abusers often do) that he is entitled to mistreat you, because he is a man and more important than you, and that if you complain, other people will tell you that it's your fault and you have to put up with it.
This is NOT TRUE. He is not entitled to bully and mistreat you, and he can be prevented from doing so.

thanks for your messages

I do have some good friends that I can talk to - their relationship experiences are so far from mine. They've had their ups and downs and they don't sit around with their partners discussing everything all the time but neither do they feel intimidated by them or go through the pointless drama that has been our relationship for the last few years.

I followed a link from one of the other forums about emotional abuse and so many things rang true. He really believes that all the relationship problems stem from me not listening to him, and that if I did that everything would be ok. But in reality it wouldn't be. I think that I've always tried to make it work and believe that it could get better and I was scared of being a single parent. I think I feel a bit more optimistic about mine and the kids' futures now

I didn't talk to solicitor before about his intimidating behaviour but I have never informed the police about it either. I don't think anyone else has witnessed it.

I'm really trying to be totally neutral with him at the moment and not get drawn into discussions with him when he's trying to wind me up - but I know I need to have conversation about setting a proper date for him to move out. The thought of that conversation fills me with dread

the fact that you fear his reaction is telling.

but his reax is his problem - so long as you chose a place and moemnt where you will be safe.

as was said - if you change locks and he comes and throws a brick - you then call police.

you could set a date with a mediator to discuss him moving out -so third party present - and also set out more regualr contact arrangements. also to spell out you packing up his things and he ahs to pick them up.

the violence towards objects etc is all threatening/intimidating - and yes my exP also said he did this because of what i did/said so it was all my fault...

you managing fine as a single mother - you dont need this man in your life. he can ahve proper contact with his kids but make a clean break.

YOu DON'T deserve this treatment. You DON'T have to 'respect' this ridiculous, selfish, unplesant dickhead. I doubt anyone else does. You are a human being whose wishes, opinions and feelings are every bit as valid as his. Have a chat with WOmen's Aid, they will be able to offer you good advice and help. And remember, just because he thinks he's entitled to come and go from a house he pays nothing for, and smash things up if he;s not 'respected' doesn't mean it's true. He can be SENT TO PRISON for harassment and violence. Whatever he might say, men are not entitled to bully their partners like this, nor will anyone automatically take his word against yours simply because he's the one with the penis.

Agree with SGB.

Hes not just the one with a penis, he is a penis!!

Annie, could you sell the house leaving enough for a place you & the kids could live in? I don't mean would he "let" you sell it, but theoretically?

It's crazy that you're paying 100% but he's still part-owner.