Can anyone 'listen' to this man? Am I nuts?

[anniemak]

This is my first post so please bear with me. I'd love some perspectives/advice.

I've been with DP for 9 years - we have DD 7yrs and DS 5yrs. At least once or twice a year, we have a big row or I do something wrong (e.g. 'disrespect' him) and DP says that he can't stand it any more, he gets really angry - chucks stuff around, really shouts, says awful things about me etc. He usually leaves for a few weeks and then usually through practical arrangements with the kids he comes back and we eventually make up. This most recently happened in Sept last year - he said he didn't love me anymore, I needed to get someone else to help with the kids and he was moving out. All this was in a lot more depth/detail than before. I spent a few weeks thinking that I couldn't cope - but then I did. Got a childminder etc, took kids away for Xmas to see family without DP etc.

A bit of background - I work full time. After DS was born we agreed that I would go to work and he wanted chance to stay with kids. He has done a few different jobs over the years, had a go at running his own business etc. He's recently started saying that 'I looked after the kids for 7 years' in fact he looked after DD for a year before she went to nursery, I stayed off work for a year with DS and the rest of the time they were in full time nursery, since they've been at school he has looked after them between end of school and when I get back from work 6.30ish.)

However, it's now February he hasn't really moved out, all his stuff is here and he has been staying at friends/flat sitting etc. He comes back, raids fridge, sees the kids (is for the most part a great dad) but I never know when he's coming. I had to tell him to stay away when childminder started because he was here all the time. watching what she was doing and interfering.

Every time we try to talk it's usually impossible. He really feels that I don't listen to him - I feel that he keeps telling me the same thing (it's all my fault, nothing can be done, situation is hopeless etc). He also blames me for everything and has no hope about the future of the relationship. He acts like a tyrant and talking to him often feels like being cross examined - about what I haven't listened to properly or that I've misinterpreted/read things into what he said that aren't true.

There's a part of me that wants to make it work, go to counseling etc. Am I nuts - is that just a fantasy?

Anyone been here before?

This link should help you see it's not a MN conspiracy. This man is bad news, please get away.

If you are paying for the house and can demonstrate it, he will not be allowed to walk away with as much as you think.

Poor you

I would tell him you've been to see a solicitor, that might let him know that there's no going back this time. This toing and froing with him will not help the kids- they need to know where they stand, and as it sound like he is too much of a self-pitying arse toad to show them those boundaries, you have to be the one to do it.

He treats you like crap. To my mind, throwing a plate against a wall during an argument is violence. He is trying to intimidate you. Please don't let him.

Might it work if you say something like, "I've been to see a solicitor today, just so that we can get things sorted. I knwo you've been unhappy with this relationship, think there's no hope etc and there's no point in you coming here all the time when you could get your own place and the kids could come to you- Then you wouldn't have to see me."

Re: Locks. It is misleading to state that it would be 'illegal' to change the locks on a property you are a joint owner of. In fact the legal position is that he has a legal right to be at the property. If you change the locks he can't get in, and if he chose to break a window then he could NOT be charged with criminal damage, as you are entitled to cause any damage you wish to your own property.

The reality is that many people go ahead and change the locks and there is very little legally he could do to remedy this situation. If he saw a solicitor they would be likely to advise him with regard to resolving the outstanding property issues between you. You may be asked to provide a replacement key but there would be little he could do if you politely declined to do so.

If he did break a door/window to gain access then you could and should call the police. Whilst this is not criminal damage, it is clearly harassment which is a criminal offence. If he did this, you would also have grounds to seek an injunction (non-molestation order) from the courts to protect you.

However - I'm not for one moment suggesting it is as simple as all that. What you do need to think about is the effect that changing the locks is likely to have on your relationship (as ex-partners - I'm not suggesting you should get back together!), and more importantly the effect it might have on the children. You might want to consider some sort of family mediation to resolve these issues amicably if possible.

I definitely think you need to, as soon as possible, start setting some clear boundaries. Make him take all his stuff, set times and dates for him to see the children...basically get rid of any excuses he might have for turning up at the property unannounced. And stop letting him eat your food!!!

Oh, and I agree with the others - you need to see a solicitor. If you are paying the mortgage and supporting the kids you might be entitled to legal aid. There is a calculator on the Legal Services Commission website, and most solicitors will do a free half hour as part of which they will assess your eligibility.

thanks for all your advice

a big issue with him is sayin one thing and doing another. He has obviously run out of friends places to stay and is back saying he can only go if he gets money out of the house because he has no job no money etc None of which is my problem of course,

but as he is on the lease and his name is on the mortgage he is entitled to it.

He's now saying won't take his stuff or agree to anything else until he has this money

You must see a solicitor. It may be that you have to buy this man out to an extent, but make sure you get proper legal advice as to just what he is entitled to (don't just let him tell you what he wants and give it to him, he has not shown himself to be fair, ethical or honest).