Haven't spoken to my Dad in a long time and my Mum wants me to 'make up'

[Dominique07]

Hi
Quite complicated background in a nutshell:
I am the mother of a toddler, in my 20s, living with my DP
Mum & Dad used to fight quite badly and I have posted on the 'but we used to take you to stately homes thread' quite relate to that title.
Have come to the conclusion that Dad was a very controlling personality, we all had to walk on egg shells, you've heard it all before... after finishing university I got really sick of even staying with my parents for a few weeks because of the scary fights and I moved out to my DP's flat, although my parents strongly disapproved.
When I became pg my parents both said I was no longer family. My Mum actually started seeing me again as soon as DS was born though...
So now I am living with DP and only see my Mum and Sister.
But every now and again Mum says I need to 'make up' with my Dad.
Now, the only reason I would do this is so I could phone and visit my Mum who lives a long train journey away and who I now only visit... I'm not really interested in being under my Dad's thumb anymore now that I'm free.
What should I do, my Mum thinks I should 'write a handwritten letter' telling my Dad how lacking my life is without him and how I really need to make up with him!!!
I feel extremely guilty as my Mum thinks I have made our family disfunctional and I think she is fairly old and seems frail when I see her, and I feel sorry that I've make her so sad.

Relentless is right though. Thats my Mum.

Why do you think it would be good for your DS, Dominique? Is it because you are guilty that you don't want to go and think he would be a good substitute for you?

You said yourself that you left home as soon as possible because of your parents' 'scary fights' and because you felt you were always 'walking on eggshells' around them. This does not sound like a healthy environment for your DS. You can't even bring yourself to go there, so why do you think it's a good idea for your DS to be there?

I'm not trying to be harsh or critical of you, I know you are only trying to do your best. I think you're finding it hard - in the face of a constant onslaught of emotional blackmail - to face what you know is true about your family, they are dysfunctional and you don't like to be around them. You don't have to feel guilty about this. Your mother made her decisions and is now living with the consequences, that's what happens when you are an adult.

Once you open Pandora's box (ie see family problems and dynamics for what they are) it is pretty much impossible to close it again, however much you may want to. No matter what your sister or mother say about your family, you feel differently and that's all there is to it. Your father has not apologised for cutting you off (incidentally, has your mother apologised either?) and your mother is trying to convince you that the estrangement is your fault when it clearly wasn't. This is not love, it is control and manipulation.

If you could write a letter/email to your father and a separate one to your mother at this point in time and being totally honest, what would you put in them? Not necessarily to send but sometimes the act of writing things out as a letter rather than just thinking about it lots or even posting in something like MN can be a way of getting all your feelings and emotions out and sorted in your mind.

Then you can decided if you want to send them, or write a different version or even say to your mum that you started to write but you didn't think she would like or understand how you feel so you haven't sent them.

With regard to your dad's email, could you reply to it - very carefully - and as he has made the first move, say explicitly in your reply that you are taking his email to show that he is realising he has done wrong, he wants to apologise and basically turning into the email you would have liked him to write? And wrap it up with either you're not ready after all the wrong that has been done to you by him to meet up yet, or that you are ready to meet up to receive his apology and to make your mum happy but won't be treated badly again... or whatever it is that you want to do.

He's either going to react badly in which case you are not really any worse off than currently, or he accepts what you have written which is a bit better than now. But at least you have been honest in your response to him and to yourself.

And if your mum challenges you, then just keep repeating that you are the wronged one, you thought that she meant your father wanted to apologise and you had to be honest, if you want to build a new relationship then it needs to be honest etc.

good luck and if you do end up having a conversation about this remember to rehearse it lots beforehand in your head in all possible different ways for it going well or badly - that way you won't be phased and will have everything you want to say and be able to say it without being overcome by the emotion that is likely to be there the first time you go through it...

I had a controlling and dreadful grandmother.

I couldn't stand visiting her, even with both my parents there, and if I was a young child I would wonder why my mother had left me, on my own, with a really really scary person.

Have you really thought through what sort of message this will send to your son?

"I am going to arrange for you, a child, to stay with someone I no longer speak to because they were horrible to me as a child."

Your mother didn't stand up and defend you, so she's not going to defend your son, is she?

Good point Miggsie.
My Dad will barely be there, this time.
And I'm more able to talk frankly with my mum about the sensitivity of a two year old.
But you're right.
He can't exactly phone me up and tell me whats been happening.

Dominique

Both CelticStarlight and Miggsie's comments are sound; you should pay close heed.

Below is another reason why your son should not visit his toxic grandparents:-

This is your response from the 6th Feb:-
"Oh and I offered to send an email to say I'm coming to visit with DS, and my Mum said,
"do you have to bring DS with you? " and "No, it would need to be a handwritten letter to your Dad explaining how you miss him." You know best Mum... "

Toxic parents more often than not make for toxoc grandparents as well. Your Mum is not interested at all in either of you; all she wants is for you to make up with your Dad purely out of her own selfish self interest. All she is doing as well is manipulating you as she and your Dad always have done. Do not let yourself - and your son - be sucked in as toxic parents like yours can and do easily pass on their issues to the next generation.

You must emotionally detach from these toxic people and not let yourself or your son become a part of their mind games.