Haven't spoken to my Dad in a long time and my Mum wants me to 'make up'

[Dominique07]

Hi
Quite complicated background in a nutshell:
I am the mother of a toddler, in my 20s, living with my DP
Mum & Dad used to fight quite badly and I have posted on the 'but we used to take you to stately homes thread' quite relate to that title.
Have come to the conclusion that Dad was a very controlling personality, we all had to walk on egg shells, you've heard it all before... after finishing university I got really sick of even staying with my parents for a few weeks because of the scary fights and I moved out to my DP's flat, although my parents strongly disapproved.
When I became pg my parents both said I was no longer family. My Mum actually started seeing me again as soon as DS was born though...
So now I am living with DP and only see my Mum and Sister.
But every now and again Mum says I need to 'make up' with my Dad.
Now, the only reason I would do this is so I could phone and visit my Mum who lives a long train journey away and who I now only visit... I'm not really interested in being under my Dad's thumb anymore now that I'm free.
What should I do, my Mum thinks I should 'write a handwritten letter' telling my Dad how lacking my life is without him and how I really need to make up with him!!!
I feel extremely guilty as my Mum thinks I have made our family disfunctional and I think she is fairly old and seems frail when I see her, and I feel sorry that I've make her so sad.

Hey, thanks for all the support.

I'm going to get caller ID because once I'm talking to my Mum its all downhill from there.

Oh god yes, I love caller ID. It does really give you a feeling of strength knowing that you can say "no you are not going to stress me out right now, I'll deal with you in my own time". My mum has worked out that I screen calls and often don't answer, and she's huffy about it, but she can stick it up her arse! You are under no obligation to answer the phone just because it rings.

Marine

Your situation is incredibly like mine.

I tried very hard to maintain a relationship with my mother and sister but we were very, very different. I didn't mind my sister too much when she was younger but as she grew up, she became more and more like my mother and I had to keep visiting them and pretending all was okay when actually they horrified me.

For example, my sister was seeing a married man who still lived with his wife and son. His wife attempted suicide and my sister wrote about it on her facebook page saying how it was "a pity she didn't do a better job of it".

My mother is incredibly two faced - lovely to everyone's face and hideous behind their backs. I hate arguments and used to just sit there and listen to them bleating on and think "God, you two really are dreadful".

The worst of it was obviously that they thought I liked them when actually I would never have been in touch if we hadn't been family, I found it all such a strain to maintain the facade (particularly sending mothers day cards or at Christmas, when they were always angling for an invitation).

I haven't seen them for over a year. My mother has poisoned the family against me (the same family she says dreadful things about behin their backs). I don't know when I will ever be ready to have them in my life again.

why do you feel that protecting your mother is the most important issue in all of this?

why are her feelings more important than yours?

Koala that's interesting, do you have DC? I would be quite happy to keep my distance from family members and (as DP suggests) just edge them out and stop having them to stay etc - but one problem is that they (reasonably I suppose) want to see my DS - and I'm expecting a second DC soon. They're not abusive or harmful to DS as such (in fact they think they're great with him, and I have to admit he doesn't mind them) so I don't see how I can just not see them without causing a huge, huge family disaster and feud.

I sometimes wish they were more openly nasty so I could have an excuse - instead it's all weird neediness and resentment and pushy/controlling behaviour disguised as being nice.

marine, yes, I have two children. The elder has known them and the younger hasn't met them.

They are okay with my daughter but I hate their attitude and would hate her to think their behaviour is normal.

We haven't seen them in over a year. I have some decisions to make.

I've noted what you said blinks and am going to try to be more verbal about what I really think, and be a bit more selfish or at least protect my sanity so I can live my life.
Also I realise I'm going to have to grow up, I still feel like I'm supposed to check all my decisions with my Mum and seek her approval.
I'll try just informing her of the facts in future.
I've read the stuff about narcissism that some people have mentioned, I can't say for sure if either parent, or both, definitely are N parents. I can tick some boxes, but it is not entirely them.

i would suggest it's more an issue of co-dependency.

i think you're on the right lines by thinking and acting independently. the world won't end if your mother gets upset.

She wants you to go grovelling to your dad to beg forgiveness for something that wasn't your fault in the first place? So he can what? graciously forgive you? lecture you about how wrong you have been and how he will forgive you because he's a wonderful man? Have you get down on bended knee and beg?

Fuck that.

Yes I think thats the idea heQet. Failing to get my enthusiasm for this idea i think she's been working her 'magic' on my Dad now.

I've just recieved an email from my Dad, thats the first in a couple of years:
we should all meet up, he should meet my partner, we need to resolve this situation, he does love me. etc etc.
Yes fantastic idea, so he can intimidate my partner and try to make him feel inadequate too.

This is driving me mad. I'm thinking of contacting my aunts and talking to them but they've become very distant from me, I don't know what they think of this situation, they also want us to meet up and 'make up' and probably think its a personal falling out and none of their business.

Do you want to 'make up'? Because there's no point putting yourself into a situation that other people want you to be in but you don't.

So he's the sperm that met the egg that made you? So what? Big deal. You don't owe him anything. And he's no right to be in your life, if by being in it you are unhappy, because of an accident of birth.

Don't do this to make other people happy and then find that a year down the line your marriage is at breaking point, your kids are scared of him and you are hiding behind the sofa if he knocks at the door.

You need to distance yourself from this. Don'[t discuss it any more with yoru mum. If she brings it up, tell her that you don't want to disucss it. You realise it is upsetting for her, but it is your choice what you do. If she walks away from you (Again!!) then that is her choice. You do not need to do anything that you don't want to.

However, if you feel you want a relationship with your dad - then do it your way. Your mum is in no position to tell you how you should build a bridge - she is not you and does not feel the way you have felt. She has made her own way through life (and accepted things from him that frankly are not easy to understand why you would accept). but you are your own person, and shoudl make your own choice.

Break the chain of emotional control that she has over you. You don't need her approval, and in all honesty, does her approval actually make a positive difference to your happiness. Hope this doesn't sound cruel - it's a pep talk for myself as much as you as I have a different situation but essentially the same controlling issue

Dominique

You may also want to read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

Do not be railroaded or let yourself be railroaded into a potentially abusive situation again as is the case with your parents. Controlling behaviours as well are abusive behaviours.

Your Mum for whatever reasons has chosen to stay with him. You do not have to go along with what your Mother wants, she is acting purely out of her own self interest rather than yours.

Dad says
I think as the situation is continuing we cannot just go on as we are.
I assume the situation is, that I did not have an abortion, give up my child for adoption as they advised, or break up with my partner as they hinted would happen.
He says
One thing that is important at least to me is more knowledge of positive things abut the situation.
I feel like replying with a request in kind, that I'd like more knowledge of positive things about your behaviour, specifically that you have changed dad...
But maybe its best if I don't reply at all. I think the only reply I could construct would sound sarcastic and cruel.

cheeky git!!! so he is saying that he is not sure if he wants to reconcile with you (who is only doing it to keeep your mum happy). What an arrogant, cruel and controlling man. Walk away and never look back. See you mum and sister, but never discuss him. He is toxic - end of. do not waste any more energy on him. and if not for yourself, do it for your child. This is not an influence you want your child to feel.

Hmmm...I have a feeling that it is only your Mum that would like everyone to make-up.

Your Dad is maintaining his original stance and you want/need to maintain yours. It is your only your Mum that wants everyone to 'play nice' it would seem.

Due to this I'd not even bother trying to change the status quo, both you and your Dad would only be paying 'lip service' to each other to keep your Mum happy imo.

I am also sure that one way or another (due to there being no proper resolution/apologies offered)this situation will all blow up again, with perhaps more hurtful things being said and done than have already happened.

It takes two to make a relationship work and even if you were willing to compromise it appears your Dad isn't.

I'd tell my Mum that things are still too raw for now and you may well make up with Dad in time, but for now you will not be getting in contact. Buy yourself sometime to really think about what YOU want to do.

you are right.
However the bit that upsets me is that I think this is all going to destroy my Mum, and as I walk away it will all be left to destroy my Sisters life.
anyway thanks for the 'reality check'.

Dominique your are not responsible for your Mum or Sister they are adults just as you and make their own choices. You are only avoiding contact with your Dad not your Mum and Sister...they have/are still seeing and talking to you.

I see no reason why this should change...they have already stood up to your Dad by continuing to see you.

Your priority is your own family...yourself, your DH and DC..they (DH and DC) need you to be happy and well...if getting in contact with your Dad makes you a lesser person, then they will feel sad on your behalf, as you will be hurting so much wishing you had stood your ground.

Your Mum and Sister are braving your Dads wrath for you...I can't see them losing contact with you after making such an obvious act of rebellion. If they can stand up for themselves surely you are allowed to as well?! xx

Sorry DP not DH!!

Shouldn't have skim read your OP!

Yes its ok Zoomy, DP or OH or I don't even mind DH it's just not technically accurate. Its fine.

Anyway, my sister wants me to reply to this email of my Dad's too. I feel so depressed. Its like maybe she is going to refuse to talk to me too. Although thats stupid. I don't think she would do that unless she was being really badly manipulated by our parents. She's coming out with the same lines as my Mum now,
"come on, this could be your only chance to get our family back"
She thinks I should be telling him how great motherhood is and how great my partner and my life is. But I shouldn't have to justify my life to him.

When she and my Mum say these things I just feel so tempted to SEE RED and go write an angry email to my Dad.

I'm allowing myself to be drawn back in now as my Mum has offered to have my DS to stay for a while and I thought it would be good for him. She was being very enthusiastic about helping him with his talking, and saying she wants to show him all the books and toys and stuff she has kept from when I was little.

You are being completely manipulated here in quite a relentless way. Please stop all this worrying and doubting yourself and taking on the burden that it is your responsibility to fix this toxic family. You are not responsible for other people's happiness, especially people who have let you down so badly in the past.

I know you are worried about your relationship with your sister but it will be impossible for you to have a healthy relationship with her until she is out from under the control of your parents. You may have to take a risk and tell her that though you love her you really can't do things that make you angry and unhappy just to please her. Even if she breaks contact with you now she will probably re-contact you again once she is older because, by then, she will have seen for herself just what your parents are like in that they will have tried their hardest to control and manipulate her as well.

Even your mum's comments about showing your DS your children's books etc is a form of passive aggressive manipulation. Please don't fall for it, you will regret it. Life is very short and you deserve to be happy.

Dominique, is that confused emoticon a response to my post or the situation in general?

Just the situation in general!
Thanks for replying to me though. I feel a lot calmer now I've written it all down. Its all here for me to read and all the advice is here. Everyone is very clear, their advice is clear, but I still feel that it is not surprising that my Mum wants to get us back together.
Even if its just so she can say to herself/her parents/her neighbour well we all meet up once in a while, there is not a big problem, the wound is healing!
Even my sister said to me "they're not evil parents, why do you think they're evil?" (her word... not mine) She doesn't see things from my POV exactly although she is quite understanding.
I think there will be no harm done by letting my DS visit his grandparents and I will arrange it so I don't even go to the house.
I know it seems rude to ask for advice and then ignore the advice, but this is something that I really think will be good for my DS whereas I'm going to maintain a distance myself.