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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

mil has had a serious go at me about spoiling a surprise I knew nothing about

29 replies

Snowfun · 04/02/2010 12:24

Its left me very shaken and upset still shaking now half an hour later. Its dhs 40th birthday soon my mum and mil were talking aparently about organising a surprise red letter day. Just because dh rang last night about babysiting for his 40th for a day out she decided a I knew (I didn't and b I told him I hadn't obviiously! She had such a go at me and for most the time I didn't have a clue what she meant. My mum happened to be there (she didn't know) and she is fuming saying you didn't know anything about it. She says I should ring back and demand an apology. I'm so upset and its not as if I can tell dh or hit really will spoil his surprise! I meant it was a surprise to dhh obviously she was going to discuss everything with me but hadn't yet.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 04/02/2010 12:27

the worry here is that your DH might have organised something himself, and that's why he rang asking for a baby sitter.

Eglu · 04/02/2010 12:31

I think she should have apologised to you as soon as she realised you knew nothing about it.

Although she shouldn't actually have ranted at you the way she did in the first place. Even if he found out it wouldn't have been the end of the world. She should absolutely apologise to you.

Original poster
Snowfun · 04/02/2010 12:32

He hasn't but the point is she had such a terrible go at me and even when I convinced her I didn't know what she meant she still didn't apologise. Should I confront her or leave it and so accept being spoken to in such a way. Not typing right as Ii still feell upset and shaken!

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowfun · 04/02/2010 12:34

My mum has also suggested I mention that she was there by the way and so heard everything

OP posts:
happystory · 04/02/2010 12:36

She is in the wrong. No wonder you feel shaky. But - I wouldn't confront her - yet. You are upset and it might turn into a row. I'm in a similar situation myself and feel like letting rip but am holding on till I feel a bit calmer (difficult!)

verytellytubby · 04/02/2010 12:36

I'd phone her back. Tell her she's got it wrong.

Original poster
Snowfun · 04/02/2010 12:36

Getting worked up just thinking about ringing her as she can be so intimidating and I think she'll upset me alll over again! Wimpy I know!

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 04/02/2010 12:38

I'd leave it for her to come back to you when her brain has engaged and she realises you knew nothing.

Original poster
Snowfun · 04/02/2010 12:39

If I know mil jjustanother that won't happen!Also my mum plans to confront her herself as she is furious!

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 04/02/2010 12:42

I'd leave it well alone then. Your MIL sounds loopy. You're best off out of it.

AuntieMaggie · 04/02/2010 12:44

Can your mum phone her instead?

Original poster
Snowfun · 04/02/2010 12:45

She will anyway she's furious!

OP posts:
havoc · 04/02/2010 12:46

i'm sorry that she shouted at you. Even if you spoilt the surprise, I don't deserve to be spoken to like that. He's 40 not 4, he'd get over it!

I wouldn't demand an apology, because I think that if you do, the apology doesn't mean anything, iyswim.

What was she thinking, organising a birthday surprise for your DH without letting you know?

Original poster
Snowfun · 04/02/2010 12:47

She was going to discuss it with me but thats mil all over taking over!

OP posts:
Lancelottie · 04/02/2010 12:49

I think, Snowfun, that you actually need to call her and say that she really should have let you know in good time that she was planning a surprise, as you and DH had made plans to go out (I assume you had, hence asking for babysitting?), and it's now going to be quite difficult for you to sterr DH away from those plans WITHOUT spoiling her surprise.

She's a wally, isn't she? Just assuming a man with his own family will automatically be free to fall in with her celebrations... well, maybe she means well.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 04/02/2010 12:51

If your mum's up for it I'd leave them to it. Although I do hate it when people organise things for DH without checking with me.

Recently someone booked him a hotel stay as a present... without checking with me if the location/date was convenient. It wasn't and he had 2 birthday cakes...

Why? Why? Why?

Can you emigrate OP? I'd be tempted.

havoc · 04/02/2010 12:56

hopefully, she's realised what she done, and feels really really bad about it. She's probably dreading having to call you.

Longtalljosie · 04/02/2010 12:57

What's your relationship like with her normally?

Original poster
Snowfun · 04/02/2010 13:10

She is easily offended and we do feel like we are walking on egg shells sometimes. I've just rang her and told her that she left me feeling shaking and upset and she said thats exactly how I felt tbh!! Told her my mum had been there and knows what was said. She said she was trying to remain as calm as she could given the circumstances. She said if she caused any upset due to the misunderstanding and cross purposes she apologises!

OP posts:
Eglu · 04/02/2010 13:27

That is a pathetic apology!! You deserve more than that. I hope your Mum puts her in her place.

Original poster
Snowfun · 04/02/2010 13:30

The suggestion actially was a red letter day presented on his birthday which aparently can be used in 6 months of receipt. A great idea I thought for the man who is impossible to buy for. She now know my mum happened to be here!

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowfun · 04/02/2010 13:31

Yes it was pathetic but a good one for her I suppose as she doesn't normally do apologising. I think thats the first time in 11 years I have confronted her as I don't normally do confronting!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 04/02/2010 13:51

What is a red letter day?
If it can be used up to 6 months from his birthday then what has it got to do with your husband wanting a babysitter for his birthday. On my birthday I like to decide what to do, I thought that was the point of birthdays, the day (sometimes) is arranged around the birthday person, not the relatives ideas of what the birthday person might like.
My kids get to choose within reason what they do on their birthdays and I get to choose on mine, although it's usually not that exciting.

kinnies · 04/02/2010 15:24

Your MIL is a rude cow-bag!

I would keep your distance from her from now on.

Rhuidean · 04/02/2010 16:42

My first instinct would be to plan DH's birthday and several days before and after, whith his agreement of course, and with non refundable deposits for hotels while your lovely mum baby sits. However, that is childish and not recommended