dh asked me this morning if i wanted him to move out. sad and confused :(

[belcantwait]

we havent been getting on all that well. i mean really for a long time, we have had issues in the past, he had a fling, we did relate etc etc

over the past few months i have ebeen more and more aware of how 'stifled' i feel by him. it feels like i cannot be myself around him. he doesnt frightne me as such but i am always 'aware' of what his reaction will be to things etc. i dont like confrontation and upset and he can be very very unreasonable and shouty and has shoved me etc in the past. hope that makes sense.

anyhow a few months ago he had to take a substantial paycut at work. he felt he had to work more and more to prove himself and that he was worth keeping. his money has just gone back up, phew, but he is still working all hours , back late , brings work home and works over weekend.
now i went back to work in sept and do 4 days a week. i have been a sahm before that. we have three amazing but difficult children- the ds's both have aspergers and one of them also has adhd. dd appears fine bizarrely!

so you know its hard work but he does nothing to help me, at all. the only thing he does is to take ds2 to rugby every sunday but thats because he always likes to help out with the coaching.

i feel like he picks on me all the time and is very controlling. he phones me at work for example (when he is at home with the kids) to tell me off about the house being messy etc. on sunday he woke me really early to tell me to get uop and sort out the house as it was making him 'anxious' i feel like he is grinding me down and i cant carry on like it. i have tried talking to him about it all but he cant see it from my pov at all. i know he is working etc but i dont think he needs to work as much as he does tbh.andt any kind of help would be good. but he doesnt get it. he expects me to be the doting adoring wife doing evrything he says etc.

we dont sit together in an evening, he went away a night last week and it was lovely, the kids were better behaved, we got to school on time etc etc there wasnt any big upset . he doesnt deal with ds1 well and has often been very aggressive with him (verbally and physically).

anyway so i dont really know what to do. i am not sure if i am willing to see if he can change, i worry how he will afford to move out and do i want that anyway? i know i cant go on the way we are for the next 30 odd years or whatever. and then part of me thinks maybe he is doing it on purpose so i will get fed up and chuck hi, out.

sorry this has taken much longer to write than i thougnt it would and now have to pick up kids but will come back to it later.

bugger. should have name changed

sounds like it all revolves around how he feels? it sounds awful tbh
how do you think you would feel if he wasn't there fulltime?

Sounds like a trial separation might be in order, and then see where you go from there. If you felt so much happier the night he was away, that says a lot in my opinion - and if I were you I would want to find out what life was like without him around all the time. He sounds very very hard to live with, and I'd say you shouldn't be putting up with that... but I'd be a hypocrite, because my DP is like your DH in many ways, and we are still living together. At the moment, anyway

If he is OFFERING to move out, I would grab it with both hands TBH. You may well find life is a whole lot more enjoyable, relaxed and calm without him in your home.
Good luck.

"to get uop and sort out the house as it was making him 'anxious' "

Oh dear . That is me to a tee. When I am suffering really badly with anxiety, mess makes me really tense and unhappy. However I wouldn't expect anyone else to do it - I'd just tear around trying to tidy up and have a complete meltdown .

It does sound as if he might be suffering from stress quite badly. If that is the case some time away from home might help him, and you. Whether it's permanent depends on whether on if he changes I guess?

I agree. A lot of friends think it odd that I am happy to be a single parent to my 2, but the relief of not having a controlling dp around the house is worth all the challenges that being a single parent brings. By the sounds of things, your family would be much happier with him either moving out, or drastically changing his attitude. When there is only you at home, there are no arguements or expectations about who does what, so no resentment, which is a horrible thing to have in a relationship. Yes, I have to do all the cooking, cleaning, putting to bed on my own. But I know I have to do it, so I get on with it, rather than queitly wishing that someone else would pull their weight, which is a situation I have seen time and time again with lots of friends. I think a trial seperation would give you a definate answer as to a long term solution.

If this was just about the housework, I would maybe offer a different response. But he has been "verbally and physically aggressive" towards your son. I think a trial separation is exactly what you need, for the sake of your children if nothing else. They will be picking up on everything that's going on in the house, even if they seem unaffected.

I agree with CheerfulVicky, the fact that his absence makes your life easier (despite kids who must keep you very busy) shows that he actually a further drain and worry for you, rather than a partner and a helper.

Also picked up on the fact that he he been physically abusive not only to you but to one of your DC. If he is like this already with the biggest one it is likely he will go on to abuse all of them if they cross him, which by the sound of things is inevitable.

Can you really sit there and see this man hurt your children? His offer to move out sounds like he also knows he is not coping, and perhaps feels himself to be a danger. Sounds too good an opportunity to pass up to me, try it for a month and see how it goes. You probably won't even realise how bads things have been til he's out of the house.

thank you for all your responses

oh dear. i have let things get really out of hand i think. it should never have gone on this long. i have let him get away with this to avoid further upset with him. i try and be the peace keeper with him and ds1. to be slightly fair ds1 is ~Big and a maissive handful sometimes. but dh always always makes things worse with him. eg ds1 answers back, he alwyas has to have the last word and dh cant stand that.
i think he is stressed, but i think its almost imaginary stress he has brought on himself. he can be a bit odd in many ways really.
this morning after he said 'do you wantr me to move out?' i said yes i do sometimes. because i felt puyt on the spot i wasnt exxpecting it really and didnt know what to say and also i dont want to hurt him despite him behaving alike an idiot and i dont want to say i dont love you or fancy you or whatever cos i dont want to burn my bridges. the seperation tthing might not owrk out or we may evenr miss each other

also am worried about the practicalities eg how can we stay in the house?? he pays all the bills and mortgage (the house isn t even in my name) tho i dont believe he would see us out on the streets. i just dont know how we would manage financially. is there any help i can get evn if its a short term thing???

sorry thats all a bit disjointed

oh and the main thing i have been pondering over is 'is it bad enough to spiit up over?' and 'what about the kids?' is it worth the awful upset this will cause to them? or should i put my feelings aside and just bloody get on with it???

Is it possible he may have Aspergers too ? My eldest DS1 is 17 and his anxiety is crippling him. If things are not just so (which is not possible with 3 other DSs (including DS3 who also has AS)), he gets very stressed and this leads to agressive behaviour (hasn't crossed the line into physical yet fortunately - he goes to an exceptional SN college).

I find my DS1 extremely difficult to live with, when he "latches" onto to something, he is like a dog with a bone. He gets extremely wound up by his brothers' behaviour (which is completely normal behaviour for young boys). I am fortunate that he goes to a residential college, only coming home every other weekend.

The fact he asked you if you wanted him to move out means he probably knows he's not coping. Obviously if he has some form of AS, he will lack empathy etc which would also explain some of the behaviours.

Maybe a good, honest chat on how you can both change things at home to make both you lives easier.

Good luck.

countingto10- yeah he def has as traits eg the digits on his alram clock have to add up to multiples of seven lol!
but yes he dioes say he is getting sensory overload sometimes with the kids noise etc
but but but he wont go to see anyone about it/ so what am i supposed to do??!!

oh and the other day he made a great big show of getting the hoover out and then actually 'timed' himself hoovering the rug (one bloody rug) in the lounge and the dining room and said there you go that only took 6 minutes. you could easily do that after the kids have gone to bed. (why the heck he cant do it if it only takes 6 mins??!). well that would be cos i am washing up all the days worth of dishes and tidying up before he gets home from work (his tea in oven)- he flops dwn to eat it than just leaves it all there for me to clear away. argggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

oh and whenever he moans at me about how the house is a tip etc (and it isnt particularly tbh) he always says i'm not blaming you. well he blatantly bloody is blaming me.

sorry i cant stop now

i am also confused as a yr and a half ago i cauht him out having suggestive chats with some dolly bird on a music forum. anyway i was really pissed off and i told him i couldnt believe he could have been so stupid after he shagged someone else and i found out and he wqas oh so sorry etc etc. i asked him to leave then and he bloody wouldnt.

i think he is calling my bluff. i dont reckon he will go anywhere

oh and when we go away anywhere just the two of us (once fairly recently and before that yonks ago) he is a different person really lovely. i think it might be the presence of the kids . would chose the kids over him a million billion times over

ok, he has had a fling

he is verbally and physically aggressive to the kids and you have to tiptoe around him as you are worried how he will react to stuff

he wakes you early to tell you to tidy the house

you feel better , as do the children , when he is not there

you feel stifled and you don't spend time together

does not sound like much of a relationship

TBH< the fling itself and the verbla/physical aggerssion would have bene enough of a dealbreaker for me perosnally

There's not much you can do, I'm afraid: if he doesn't want to know, he doesn't want to know. Unfortunately you can't make someone get help.

My own DP has recently been told it is almost certain he has dyslexia, and is waiting for a full assessment. He now thinks this explains away all of his AS traits, and is shrugging off the label that I wanted him to see was totally 'him' He is so, so AS it's untrue - but he won't persue it beyond a shug.
But it doesn't matter really, if my DP or your DH's respective behaviours are caused by a learning difficulty of one type or another, or just them being a pillock. Dyslexia/Aspergers doesn't equal being able to get away with murder and have everyone dancing to your tune, it just doesn't. That would be unfair. And I think this was mentioned recently on the partners of Aspergers thread. The idea that, you can have AS and be an absolute sweetie; it isn't inevitable that you are a twat if you have AS.

I think he's taking you for a ride personally, and you're right that it shouldn't have got this far. But blaming yourself isn't helpful, you need to work out what YOU want for your future, and what is best for your kids. I can't tell you what is the right thing to do, whether it is better to stick with him or tell him to move out, which option would hurt your kids less. But I think if you think about it over a period of time - preferably with him temporarily OUT of the family home - you will find the answer.
Loads of luck to you... You sound lovely and like you don't need to be dealing with this crap from him.

The thing abot causing upset to the children I would say, from growing up in a house where my dad left when I was about 4 or 5, is that it was a relief when he did move out. To everyone. Yes, it will cause the dc upset. But is it better to live in a house where there is palpable tension and aggressiveness? I don't think so. So many people I know stay in a bad relationship 'for the sake of the dc'
Moneywise, as a single parent you will qualify for help. If it helps you get your head around it, book in with a lone parent adviser at the job centre, or have a look at entitledto.com

He can hoover the rug in 6 minutes?

Excellent news. Tell him he's got the job.

clam
justalloverthepace- i just looked at that entitledto websi=te which was v interesting. i think i could end up being bloody better off altho what about mortgage? presumeably he would have to continue payiong that? can you claim housing benefit towards mortgate?

I'm not sure about housing benefit- especially if the mortgage is in dp's name. A way to get round that I suppose would be for him to 'rent' it out to you, though I'm not sure of the legalities surrounding that. I can well believe that you'd be better off alone though, especially if you consider any maintenance he'd have to pay.

I am in similar situation to you, so I know all about the "is it really bad enough?" thing that one gets into.

however if i spelt out all my issues I am sure you would say "yes it really is bad enough" just like I can see with your situation that, yes, it really is bad enough.

My one piece of advice would be seize his offer and get him to move out. dh and I got to this point several times last year with him happy to go, and I wobbled and prevaricated, even tho was deeply unhappy, and now dh is (quite reasonably) asking why should I get to stay in smart house with children while he moves out to depressing flat on his own. (we both work full time and he a very good and involved father) I feel I missed my chance for simple, civilised separation and now its all got bitter and angry. Take your chance. If space heals things, you can get back together.

well i havent heard from him all day which is quite unusual but just text him to say wanted decent chat with him tonight

Aspie.

Very hard to live with, EVEN IF he recognises that his behaviours affect you and learns to modify them. It does take a while to sink in though, there's a chance that if you point him to a few useful websites - or leave printouts lying around, lol - he may get it in the end.

Please know Asperger's isn't an illness and doesn't need to be 'cured'. It's hard when your emotional needs can't be met, though.

Have you lookd at the Aspie thread in this forum?

Yes, housing benefit can help with mortgage payments (interest only). Doesn't matter whose name the house is in, you're married.

You wouldn't be able to rent the house off him if you wanted to claim Housing Benefit towards the rent; not if you are the main carer of his children. Irritating rule they have But I have heard people can claim HB towards their mortgage payments. Why don't you pop down to your nearest CAB for a chat with an advisor? You'll be able to approach the situation much better if you are fully informed of all your rights. Google is also your friend, you are bound to stumble upon someone who has gone through just the same as you, and been advised what their options are.

Bel, he is emotionally abusing you. He is abusive towards your kids. You are happier when he's not there.

"and then part of me thinks maybe he is doing it on purpose so i will get fed up and chuck hi, out."

So? You would be better off without him. What does it matter whose idea it is?

And I'm getting really bored of hearing aspergers used as an excuse for people to mistreat other people they're supposed to love. This man is a manipulative control freak, pure and simple. It doesn't matter why.