dh asked me this morning if i wanted him to move out. sad and confused :(

[belcantwait]

we havent been getting on all that well. i mean really for a long time, we have had issues in the past, he had a fling, we did relate etc etc

over the past few months i have ebeen more and more aware of how 'stifled' i feel by him. it feels like i cannot be myself around him. he doesnt frightne me as such but i am always 'aware' of what his reaction will be to things etc. i dont like confrontation and upset and he can be very very unreasonable and shouty and has shoved me etc in the past. hope that makes sense.

anyhow a few months ago he had to take a substantial paycut at work. he felt he had to work more and more to prove himself and that he was worth keeping. his money has just gone back up, phew, but he is still working all hours , back late , brings work home and works over weekend.
now i went back to work in sept and do 4 days a week. i have been a sahm before that. we have three amazing but difficult children- the ds's both have aspergers and one of them also has adhd. dd appears fine bizarrely!

so you know its hard work but he does nothing to help me, at all. the only thing he does is to take ds2 to rugby every sunday but thats because he always likes to help out with the coaching.

i feel like he picks on me all the time and is very controlling. he phones me at work for example (when he is at home with the kids) to tell me off about the house being messy etc. on sunday he woke me really early to tell me to get uop and sort out the house as it was making him 'anxious' i feel like he is grinding me down and i cant carry on like it. i have tried talking to him about it all but he cant see it from my pov at all. i know he is working etc but i dont think he needs to work as much as he does tbh.andt any kind of help would be good. but he doesnt get it. he expects me to be the doting adoring wife doing evrything he says etc.

we dont sit together in an evening, he went away a night last week and it was lovely, the kids were better behaved, we got to school on time etc etc there wasnt any big upset . he doesnt deal with ds1 well and has often been very aggressive with him (verbally and physically).

anyway so i dont really know what to do. i am not sure if i am willing to see if he can change, i worry how he will afford to move out and do i want that anyway? i know i cant go on the way we are for the next 30 odd years or whatever. and then part of me thinks maybe he is doing it on purpose so i will get fed up and chuck hi, out.

sorry this has taken much longer to write than i thougnt it would and now have to pick up kids but will come back to it later.

my boys have aspergers so i know a bit about it. they are lovely yet sometimes difficult. dh is undiagnosed aspergers but wont go to see anyone- he thinks its 'self indulgent'

good idea re CAB. will check them out

just awaiting his return. i text him earlier and said we need to sit and talk tonight. he said he will be late (quelle surprise) but acknowledges we need to talk then he said 'why do you never want to talk until we reach a crisis???'

btw we never ever have sex, or any kind of intimacy, but this is ME. poss due to how he is but he wants it and i cant give it to him . just mentioning it as is prob relevant

He is manipulating you! Of course you don't want sex, he sounds like a horrible person!

Please be strong...you know what the answer is.

Bel, I hope your talk goes ok. If he offers again to move out, please agree. You will manage somehow. When my ex went away on business and I felt relieved, I knew that was a strong message that the marriage was in serious trouble.

Bel, you don't really need my post but for the sake of completeness: XH#2 was definitely an undiagnosed Aspie and ALSO a self-worshipping, self-deceiving, manipulative control freak. Of course he had lovely qualities (I married him, didn't I?!) but, looking back on that marriage now, it all seems like one of those nightmares where you can't see what's wrong but it's terrifying. Looking back, also, my memories are all dark, as if everything happened at night - even beach memories from holidays!

We feel as if we must "try" and "make it work", which would be right if it was a mutually-supportive, loving & caring relationship. Controllers take advantage of that, to keep you "trying" more & more, until you disappear up your own fanny. It's not about making it work, because he will never be satisfied and will never give you what you need.

The sun does shine out here

hi sorry only just got round to posting again. been at work all day tho didnt feel like it and got to go back again tonight as we have stock take.

anyway, we sat down last night, he feels i am just picking on all the things he does wrong and told me that its not all him that i have major issues too. emotionally backward i think might have been the term. i said to him do you think i'm like this with my friends? cos i def am not! anyway he then said ok to the break he would sleep on sofa and continue to take ds1 to school in mornings so obv i said no to that as what diff would that make. he agreed to go but only if we have a date he can come back on. he said if he thought i was kicking him out he refuses to leave. i was crying throughout but he didnt at all. he just seemed pissed off that i waas 'controlling' the issue and that its only a prob when i say so.
have been feeling really low today and sent a text to him after work saying feeling really sad i didnt want it to have to come to this but dont know how else to deal with it.
he text me back saying its always me making the major decisions and that i have major emotional blockages i need to deal with and that i need to make an effort with him. he also siad that he always knew it would come to this and the reason he has been going to the gym so religiously is to tone himself up to make himself more fancieable in the event that i give him the boot . he said its obv not woorking tho as its come to the same thing with me as it did with his ex (who he has a child with)... common denominator anyone??!!!! he said the crux of the matter is that i am working out whether i am brave enough to boot him out. and i guess that is what it is really isnt it?

so anywsay he said he will be gone from this sun to the following sat. dont think thats going to make much difference tbh its not long enough. and also he will be staying with his friend so he will be having a high old time all week so not much chance fro hin to mull it all over.

anywya just wanted to update. let me know your thoughts. have to get kids tea before he gets home and i have to go back to work.

prob wont have another chance to post tonight but will check back in tomorrow

thank you all[watery smile]

Blimey, Bel

Well done! You must have needed nerves of steel to carry that conversation through. Isn't it strange how these people finally tell us what they're up to?
< he always knew it would come to this ... he said the crux of the matter is that i am working out whether i am brave enough to boot him out >
That is, I suppose: He knows you should boot him out but thinks you haven't got the guts!

Or maybe they've been telling us all along, but it takes something to make us hear it

Very true, what you noticed about his ex! Wishing you all the friends, support, peace & quiet you need this week. xxx

Well done Bel. I really hope you have the courage to see this through, you sound like a wonderful person.

And Itsgraceagain, I hope my first post didn't sound harsh, I don't mean any disrespect to genuine ASD sufferers. I work with people with ASD so I do know that it's a very real disorder. I just don't like people 'hiding' behind it.

The people I work with are fabulous most of the time, and can fully acknowledge (when calm) that they may have been unreasonable due to their ASD. That's the difference I think.

Cheers, Abbie - and, yes, that's a humungous difference. Too many "differently wired" people do hide behind it (not just ASDs). And that won't do; unpleasant behaviour is unpleasant - as soon as it's pointed out, the perpetrator/sufferer should sort it out or ship out. (That includes me, btw )

hi

am still feeling low today and wondering what tonight will bring.
just saw my mum and was talking to her about it. she says she has thought for a long time he has been 'controlling' me. why has it taken me so long to realise this???

i cant remember if i mentioned this but he has brought all this on himself in more ways than one- last monday we had a rare evening out together and during the course of the eve he said a curious thing- that he sometimes thinks i'm not who i really am when i'm with him. and i think thats the thing that got me thinking all this through.

i was talking to my friend/boss at work about it all today and i mentioned what he said about the emotional blockages and she said she is always amazed by the stuff that i have been through and how positive and chirpy i am. . which was nice to hear i guess. and its prob a side h hasnt seen for some years tbh and i dont know whether thats cause or effect of how things are now iyswim

oh and he phoned me half an hour ago and was perfectly 'normal'. and am ashamed to say he is still in 'my' bed which feels so wrong but i feel bad kicking him out. i cant work out whether he is right in what he is telling me or whether i am right - i feel guilty for causing this upset and also feel self indulgent posting about it if truth be known

How did it go last night Bel?

Please don't put too much store by what is saying about "emotional blockages" - I think he might be referring to your personal resolve and assertiveness, i.e. you are "blocked" in that you haven't totally signed over your moral compass to him. Personally I think that's a good thing

"he then said ok to the break he would sleep on sofa" - he's not really getting it is he?

Glad you're seeing the situation for what it is. Are you looking forward to the time to yourself?

Bel, keep talking to your friends and your Mum. From out here, it's very clear he's successfully undermined your comprehension of what a relationship is for - and what love feels like.

It's not all about you fitting in with him. It isn't even about "not hurting" him - you're hurting, HE CAUSED IT, and he only wants to "make you better" on HIS terms. You owe him nothing. He's treating you like an accessory, not like the person you are. Don't even think of him changing: he won't. But you owe yourself some peace of mind and freedom.

d-day today

had a good evening chatting to friend on fri so that last night was free for dh and i to talk. but guess what? nothing was said. at all. we sat in different rooms, went to bed, didnt discuss anything this morning.
so he has now taken ds2 off to rugby and will leave after he gets back. his case is packed

oh and have decided i am going to write him a letter and hide it in his case. then i can say what i want without it turning ugly and he can pore over it (or not!) at his leisure this week,.