I am all alone in dealing with my daughter's death

[NinaJane]

My baby daughter died 12 years ago from Bacterial Meningitis. After such a long time, I have reached a point where I can think about her, without feeling like I have physically been kicked in the stomach.

At the time of her death, everyone was obviously very supportive, but like most things in life, they have moved on - even my husband has.

No one even remembered or acknowledged the 1st anniversary of her death - not my own parents, siblings, friends or my husband.

I have to endure all her 'birthdays' and anniversaries of her death, alone. I am feeling resentful, because to them, it is almost as if she never existed - they don't talk about her at all (I realise that they probably want to spare me the pain), but I want to and need to talk about her. She was my first child (I've had 3 more children since) and I will NEVER get over what happened to her.

When I do remind someone that it is her birthday or the anniversary of her death, the most I get is a sympathetic look and I get the sense that they think 'oh my word, she died 10, 11, 12 years ago, shouldn't you have moved on by now?!'

On the occasions that I have tried to speak to my husband about her, he has told me to please not raise the subject, as it is too painful for him to deal with - he says that he has hidden that sadness far away in the corners of his mind - he acknowledges that it is unhealthy and that he should deal with his grief and that it might all come crashing back one day, but he is not ready for it yet - I respect his wish, but where does that leave me?

I have been to see a psychologist, but personally, I would much rather speak to someone who knew my daughter.

Has anyone had a similar response from their loved ones, if so, how did you deal with it?

Thank you.

Look for the bereaved parents thread in bereavement - there are some lovely ladies there who I think will not only understand where you are coming from but will remember your daughter with you.

For here and now - what was your daughter's name?

Hi Stewie and Riven, thank you for answering - I will go and have a look at the bereavement thread.

Riven, I do mention my daughter in conversations - I used to do it more often soon after her death, but because of the non-response, I have basically given up.

Thank you Northernlurker - I'm just on my way there.

Her name was Sydney - thank you for asking...

Oh NJ, how sad for you. I don't really have anything to add, other than that perhaps if you persevere with mentioning your daughter, and in a variety of contexts, the friends and family who knew her might eventually become more comfortable with the idea of talking about her and less worried about saying the wrong thing.

It's dreadful for you though, to have had to endure the unendurable and then be silenced. I'm so sorry.

Persevere and don't be silenced.

My twin sister died of genetic problems the day we were born. My mum was a single parent. A few years later, she remarried and I have a younger brother: he has always known about our sister who died and carries a photo of her in his wallet. My stepfather, however, is very threatened by the thought of my sister: my mum wants to be buried with her instead of in the same plot as my stepfather. I think this is natural: she doesn't want her baby to be alone. He sees it as marital rejection. My every birthday we take flowers to her grave, we talk about her often, who she would have become. This was 30 years ago. When my darling mum says 'I have three children, but one died 30 years ago' she gets look from others as if 'well you don't have three kids now, get over it!'. Someone once said 'well it wasn't even a whole day old so it doesn't count as a baby, right?'

I'm in tears just writing this. Remember Sydney and mark her life any time you wish. You are a wonderful mother to her by simply allowing her memory to exist. Talk about her - not just memories but 'what might she have done?' Imagine her dreams. Other people's reactions are disgusting but your love for her is important. Stay true to yourself and Sydney.

What a beautiful name you gave your little girl Nina.

ohhh, I have shed a few tears for you nina and vivia

you do need to talk about and remember the children who didn't make it

Consider yourself hugged. Sydney is a beautiful name.

thinking of you and sydney.

"Other people's reactions are disgusting " that is a bit harsh - we are in a culture where people dont talk about death. many people dont know what to say. (tho i recall when my brother died in an accident many years ago - one friend came to me and said, "i dont know what to say" which was great - she was still there and not crossing teh road to avoid...)

and sadly they prefer to change the subject/ignore etc. i dontthink it is right - but it is a cultural thing i think... many people dont do death very well in this country....

on wednesday i will be calling my friend whose one year old died on that day three years ago. but yes there will be others who find it awkward.

it is very sad.

i hope bereavement thread will help - maybe some bereavement counselling too.

I have learnt from bitter experience that it's best to talk about it any time you want to (I didn't) and not to "lock the box".

My advice would be to talk about Sydney whenever you want to with friends and relatives and just to make her part of normal conversation, as much as that can be possible. I don't think people will feel it's wrong, some may feel uncomfortable at first (because they "don't do" death, but I think that if you just do it, people will deal with it and get used to it. As a friend said to me recently, "I didn't say anything when X died because I just didn't know what to say to you". She was never unsympathetic, just unsure what to say.

I remember reading about a bereaved parent who said that even three years later, the only person who acknowledged the child's death was the journalist who reported the accident

AGree with the other posters who said you should mention your daughter as often as you want..

just wanted to say your story really touched me... sending you hugs and encourage you to talk about it as much as possible...

I am so sorry that you lost your little girl.I have no direct experience of this but in general I have found that many people don't know how to even begin to talk to someone bereaved.I am shocked that your family didn't acknowledge the first anniversary of her death,maybe they found it so upsetting at the time that they didn't register the date or blotted it out.Clearly you need to keep talking about your daughter,I don't think your husband has "moved on",shutting down a part of yourself is not the same as moving on,he is just doing what he needs to do to cope with his grief.You need to meet each other halfway maybe,and accept each others different ways of dealing with losing Sydney.Perhaps if you can bring yourself to say to other family members that it is very upsetting that she is never mentioned they might be more considerate.Could you have a little ceremony on her birthday and maybe plant a tree in her memory /give thanks for having her?
Dh's uncle lost a baby girl to cot death and she is never talked about either.When my daughter was born mil said,"oh she is the first girl since sil" I was shocked,and when I pointed out she was in fact the first girl since cousin E,mil looked v.uncomfortable.
When we got married I had a posy like the bridesmaids made up to put on her grave behind the church as I was putting my bouquet on DH's grandfathers grave nearby.Every relative I told looked shocked and changed the subject (the baby's mother is not alive)So your family is sadly not unusual,and they probably have no idea how it hurts you.

NinaJane, please let us know some more. I would personally love to know about wee Sydney's days, or months, before she died, when she was a healthy and happy baby. I know this is not like telling friends, but it is in a way like spreading the news of Sydney's life around. I will carry her with me in my thoughts.

NinaJane, I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter, please do talk about Sydney here as much as you wish.

Knowing how to deal with the grief of others is incredibly hard. I remember when I was at school, the mother of a friend of mine died of breast cancer. It was awfully sad, and I can remember my friend's face the day her mother died to this day.
I wanted nothing more than to do the right thing, longed to be able to tell her how sorry I was but the words just wouldn't come out. To my great shame I said nothing and even avoided her, 20 years later I am still ashamed of myself.

You should talk about your daughter whenever you feel you want to, I am sure that those around you will follow your lead - and probably in lots of cases be grateful for the opportunity to talk about her.

NinaJane, I am very very sorry that people close to you aren't able to talk about Sydney. I hope you find support and empathy on the bereaved parents thread.

It's only since having a friend who lost a baby that I've realised how important it is to talk about the person who has gone and remember them with the parents.

Lots of love to you. x

NinaJane, I'm sorry to hear of the very sad loss of your baby daughter. How old was she?

Have you said to your family that you want her life remembered?

Have you been on the bereavement thread here? There's some great people on there.

Please don't feel alone.

I moved to a new house and the first time I ever spoke to my new neighbour was when she told me that she had four children, but would have had five. Her little boy had tragically died at three. I have never forgotten that first meeting with her. Her bravery in speaking to me about it. She husband has never been able to even spend the anniversary of their little boy's death with her because he feels responsible.

The day I met my friend I was dumbfounded by her strength and honesty. I'm sure that not everybody reacted as I did, but we stood together in the cool night air talking about her little boy for an hour. It is only now that I realize how very important that must have been.

Perhaps newer friends will be better able to support you than the friends and family who knew and loved young Sydney. I also hope that some day your husband, like my friend's, will be able to grieve and celebrate the precious lives that was tragically too soon.

My thoughts are with you, NinaJane. May you always know peace, love, courage and happiness.

Hello everyone - thank you very much for all your responses - I am completely overwhelmed by your kindness and compassion. You cannot imagine how much it means to me.

So many of you have asked me questions and I feel horrible that I cannot respond to each one of you individually. To my absolute frustration, I have been having endless problems with my Internet connection since last night - it seems to be working OK now, but I don't know for how long!

Because I am still a bit unsure how to properly navigate mumsnet's boards, I have decided to stick to the "Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age," thread, as I run the risk of making multiple duplicate posts, if I don't .

Thank you again for all your sincere and kind words...

I am glad you have been signposted to a place where you can get support and understanding x

Hello you,

I lost my daughter in 2003. She had CP as a result of negligence at birth by hospital staff in 2000. Almost 8 years down the line I still struggle with my loss. My husband also locked his grief away and told me 4 days after her death to "get over it". My family never remember anniversaries, nor does my H, nor has any member of my family ever visited her grave which still really hurts. And yet I remain the Mother of 3, even tho only 2 survive. We never get over this, we just learn to live with it. I have, but I remain on ADs, am getting divorced but my 2 remaining kids keep me grounded. My salvation has been a handful of good friends who were there before, during and after my daughters existence and they tolerate me bringing her into the conversation as and when I want to. New friends just don't understand - and I struggle on that front.

But I slide at anniversaries - her birthday and at Christmas - she died on Friday 13th December. And there is no substitute for someone being able to say "I KNOW how you feel".

I completely get how you are feeling. I can thoroughly recommend the Child Bereavement Charity (CBC)forum - its not necessarily a happy place but everyone there is in the same boat and will understand how you feel.

Sorry for a rambling response - but google the CBC - I think it might help you.

Just wanted to add, if you want someone to just 'talk' to a bit more on here (particularly the effects on marriage), happy to open up the 'contact poster' bit, tho not sure how to at the moment. I think you have to request it or something?