It's your fault, you married him.

[Janos]

Not the best title but this attitude is something I've seen a bit of on threads and just wanted to explore the thinking behind it.

Often on a thread if a poster is complaining about her husband/partners bad behaviour (for want of a better term) someone will pipe up and say 'Well why did you marry him if he was like that?' or 'I wouldn't put up with that nonsense.'

I'm just wondering, why? Interesting to hear what people think about this.

what are you wondering ? You don't make it clear. Why people post "why did you marry him/her in the first place knowing this?" or why people marry the person in the first place ?

FWIW, I don't think that people who post "well why did you marry him or her if you knew he/she was like this?" are meaning to infer/imply that it is the persons fault that the relationship has gone tits up.

Because it's annoying to hear women moaning about their husbands when these are the men they have chosen to marry, so the women must have felt a connection with that person at some point. In most cases we are only given the poster's side and you have to read behind the lines
Sometimes you read things and think 'well, of course he is like that he did x, y and z before you got married'
Personally, I can't stand the 'shall I leave him' posters htf should I know???

Am not sure what you are asking here.

janos, you are making an assumption that people who post "why did you marry him then" (which I never have, btw) are somehowe blaming the woman for being in a shit situation

in most cases, I don't think that is their intention

I suppose people are curious as to why the person ignored the warning signs/behaviours and went ahead anyway.

I think it's an important point actually (not that I'm one of the posters who bandies that around when people are suffering, I hope).

With my radical feminist hat on... a lot of women do marry awful, misogynist, sexist, lazy and/or clearly abusive men and often (though not always) do so when that much is obvious. And I think one reason that happens is the overwhelming message women get that they must please men, they must put themselves second and also that getting married is unbelievably fabulous and essential and their wedding will be the best day of their life.

I'm frequently amazed at the behaviour of a lot of the DPs and DHs that gets reported on here and that women have just been putting up with - from not doing their share of the housework, to expecting to please themselves at weekends instead of sharing the childcare, to being undermining and hypercritical, to open violence. And I do find it frustrating that women don't generally have more self-respect and say no to men like that at the first sign of trouble - and especially before having DC with them.

That doesn't make the men's behaviour the women's fault - it's the men's fault - but a lot of women do just accept it when IMO they shouldn't.

Ok, reading back I do see the OP isn't very clear!

I feel it's unhelpful and actually pretty unkind saying things like that to someone who is having problems with their DH. It strikes me as a bit like 'kicking someone when they're down'. IYSWIM?

it can be unkind, I agree

I mean, the horse has already bolted, fgs

but, I also agree with MI so not going to type it out again

just 'cos you married him, it ain't a reason to stay and put up with shit

go...and the sooner the better

being married is not the be-all and end-all if your partner is a tosser

and the kids do not thank you for staying with a shitbag

Yes, AF and MarineIguana both good points.

I'm reminded again that things don't come across the way they might be meant on a talkboard because you can't see or hear posters, just read what they're saying.

Sometimes, I think it can come across as a bit bullying, when that might not be the intention?

BTW I don't mean you should pat someone on the head and go, oh everything is fine really when it blatantly isn't, because that isn't helpful either.

I think my poor husband must feel exactly the same because I?m arsework from start to finish and no two ways about it.

Still, he married me ? it?s his problem!

you are right janos

time and time again, posters do come back and say "actually, all the straight talking I got was not helpful"...and that is very sobering

but some say they needed the virtual kick up the ass

I dunno

if people ask for opinions, you have to give yours on the best information available, I guess

Spannerweb

And very true AF you can only go on the info you're given...sometimes a kick up the bum is good others not. It's hartd to judge.

Now saying all that I do understand why certain posts can frustrate and upset people to the point where they are very blunt.

God I'm in a waffly mood tonight.

I agree, Janos. Also really enjoyed MarineIguana's summary of the feminine behaviour dilemma.

I don't ask this question, because I can answer it for myself (twice over - I'm a slow learner!) I married him (and him) because I absorbed the message that Women Please Men, from birth.

Mummy dearest carried on pleasing Daddy despite the beatings, abandonments, insults and isolation he visited on her and her children. Not only that; she loved him. Things were different in her day, but I went to a superb girls' school that taught equal rights & expectations. So I became a radical feminist, who could no more imagine denting a man's ego than sell a girl baby into slavery

Obviously I was ideal fodder for men who couldn't stand having their egos dented, but wanted a feisty (high-earning) wife. I'm not at all unusual in my generation. Looking at the mixed messages purveyed in today's media, I've got no reason to think things have changed much.

Ladies, we MARRY them because we don't know any better. We LEAVE them when we finally discover how our own minds have worked against us. It's a bloody difficult conflict to recognise, let alone resolve. Every woman who has the guts to face it deserves support, imo.

waffle away

spannerweb, yes, of course it works both ways !

am sure my DH rues the day he took me up the aisle on many occasions

What a great post Grace. I think you've probably got it pretty much spot on.

up the aisle BOF

except I have just remembered he didn't....we got married in a registry office

what the fuck am I talking about ?

Ah, so he took you up the registry office- I knew it! Great euphemism

Gosh, I am sorry Janos- vodka has been consumed, please ignore me

we usually do, BOF

PMSL @ up the aisle.

do you knowwhat...I don't talk in dirty euphemisms in my RL, so why do I do it on MN ?

< boggles >

Me neither! Well, maybe slightly...