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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Arguing friend

31 replies

MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 12:04

I have a friend that all she does is argue evrything I say. A couple of examples:

When she was pregnant (just 2 months behind me), conversation:

  • I am using Bio-Oil for stretch marks - I said
  • I don't use anythig- she said
  • Don't you? But your are almost 8 months gone...
  • My sister didn't use any and she doesent't have stretch marks.
  • Ok.

Now, last week, 3 weeks after she had DD:

  • I have to go and buy Bio-Oil - she said
  • Oh have you got stretch marks?
  • Loads, in my belly all down my thighs.
  • Well, you should have used it before, I think.
  • I was!!
  • You told me you weren't.
(Put face and went quiet)

She complained all trough her pregnancy that she was in pain and hated it. We saw a pregnant woman, and she said "Oh, I pity them now" I said "I am actually quite jealous" and smiled. She said "why os that?" and I said " Because I actually enjoyed being pregnant". "So did I!" She looked annoyed that I implied the opposite...

Grrr. It makes me so angry that I don't want to go out for coffe etc. anymore, but she is part of the group, and 3 of us had babies the same year and I don't want to have to avoid her...

Any advise?

OP posts:
WhoIsAsking · 28/01/2010 12:08

arsenic in her coffee

BitOfFun · 28/01/2010 12:09

Just to lighten up, really. Nobody's perfect, and she has hardly ripped your head off and shat down your neck...let it go.

LoveBeingAMummy · 28/01/2010 12:12

Best to ignore anything that she says and certainly don't remember anything she says. sounds like she talks for the sake of it, if she doesn't even listen to what she says why should you

Original poster
MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 12:18

Let it go is what KI tried, but it honestly is EVERYTHING I say, and 1. it is difficult to try to ignore her all the time. 2. its bloody hard work to have a conversation with the others, whom I really like.

Just got a text to go out and I am struggling to do so if she is there...

OP posts:
snowpoint · 28/01/2010 12:19

I think you both sound as bad as each other tbh.. sorry

Original poster
MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 12:21

She does talk for the sake of it, 90% nonsense, and she always thinks she knows best. She once argued that burps are wind coming from the lungs. I said why do they smell of food then??? FGS! it really is hard to have a simple conversation.

OP posts:
NinaJane · 28/01/2010 12:21

Hi, your friend sounds like she is insecure - people who act like she does, usually have a low self-esteem. She does not have her own set of values, but rather adapts her view to fit in, her greatest fear is to not be liked or accepted by others.

Without seeming cruel - her insecurities are not your problem - sure, you can attempt to make her feel better about herself by complimenting her (honestly) and by encouraging her when she needs it, but that will be a mammoth task, as her insecurities probably stem from being 'invisible' in her childhood - she is clearly overcompensating and it comes across as wanting to always be right about everything.

My advice to you would be to quietly and slowly phase her out of your life - no big showdowns and fall-outs which can cause irreparable damage. Maybe speak to your other friends and see how feel about her.

Original poster
MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 12:22

Well, snowpoint i do try my best not to carry one, I only try to have conversations WITH THE OTHERS. I don't argue with other people and she does this to everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 12:23

carry on i meant

OP posts:
Original poster
MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 12:28

Thanks NinaJane! Never thought that, I've spoken to the others, they have noticed that she does that, and mostly they argue back and shut her up. She does it more to me, and they have noticed that, and I just don't want to argue.

As for phase her out of my life... it is difficult, we are a group of spanish girls living in a very small place here, and we all hung out together.

Before we had babies I didn't see her as much as now for this reason, and used to be with other people but as you know, one you have babies you can't go out or do the same things as before. And I like seing the other girls!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 12:29

hang out, sorry about mistakes!

OP posts:
diddl · 28/01/2010 13:58

I think you are maybe as bad as each other tbh.

Case in point-"I am using Bio-Oil for stretch marks - I said

  • I don't use anythi´ng- she said
  • Don't you? But your are almost 8 months gone"

Why didn´t you just leave it when she said she wasn´t using anything?

Don´t get drawn in.

Ingles2 · 28/01/2010 14:04

you both sound like know it alls!... both of you will soon learn that there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth or parenting so having the last word is both pointless and petty.

bubblagirl · 28/01/2010 14:19

it sounds a bit competitive between you both i didn't have any stretch marks when pregnant but they appeared down by belly and legs after birth

also just because i enjoyed my pregnancy even though tough i do sympaphise with others that didnt i had a friend that was in pain nearly all the way through etc sick i supported her and was there if she wanted to talk about it

it sounds like you dont really like her and have no sympathy for her at all for having tough time

Original poster
MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 14:38

Okay... I am ot going to say it doesen't hurt to read this. I might have left when she said she wasn't using anything, but I was trying to give her advice. But I suppose I will have to just pass with her. Just don't say anything.

Ingles2 I know there is no right or wrong, but there is advice isn't there? otherwise this site would be pointless. But I agree if she knows all, so be it, I will just leave it.

Bubblagirls, I can assure you I am not competing with her. And no, I don't like her an awful lot, but as I said she is part of the group. And I did sympathise, but don't want to try and be a saint so I am not going to explain more of that. My DP doesn't like her because everytime we met in town I came back home feeling deflated and down.

From all this i just get in clear that I should ignore her comments totally to break the circle and just talk to the others.

I have texted my other friend back saying that I am not going out, she understands and will met me tomorrow.

OP posts:
diddl · 28/01/2010 14:44

But if you started the conversation with "I am using Bio oil" you were telling her what to do.

Advice can only be given when it´s asked for!

thedollshouse · 28/01/2010 14:48

Is bio oil compulsory then? I didn't use anything with ds and I was massive but didn't get any stretch marks.

I'm 29 weeks and was planning on using something but I hate the feel of moisturiser on my skin and I don't think it works anyway. There isn't any scientific evidence that backs up its use is there?

Sorry to digress.

Original poster
MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 14:51

I was stating that I used it for stretch marks when we where at boots and I was paying for it. She said it was very expensive and I said I used it for the stretch marks.

I did it cos a friend told me too, I didn't know to start with. But agree, I should have left it there.

As far as I know she can do whatever she wants, I will concentrate in talking to the others.

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 28/01/2010 14:52

i think maybe for whatever reason she riles you and you feel she is trying to get one over but i see nothing that she has done from what you have written that would make me think she is awful i think you should just agree to disagree and know you'll never be friends but be civil and ignore what you dont like

as i think maybe the problem doesnt just lay in her your responses sound a bit judgey oh dont you but your nearly 8mths i wonder if she is trying to hard to try and impress you maybe to be your friend as she senses you dont like her

Original poster
MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 15:16

yes I might be a bit judgey, so I will just try not to.

We have know each other for 8 years and the relationships here are difficult to define. We are all spanish so as a rule we hang out together. In the past I distanced myself from her because even she is a nice girl deep down I don't like things that she did and told her so. It really is difficult to explain. She wouldn't be my friend if we where in spain, put it that way, we are too different.

I have local friends but they are younger and with no kids. And also I do like the other spanish girls so I will just have to not be patronising and just ignore her when she is. But I was miffes as I don't have this problem with anyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 15:17

miffed

OP posts:
diddl · 28/01/2010 15:26

Looking back at the OP, I think you are the one who argues/puts down.

It comes across that you think you are better than her and know more.

WhoIsAsking · 28/01/2010 15:31

Can you imagine if someone remembered every conversation you ever had and used it as a stick to beat you with?

Original poster
MumtoEliane · 28/01/2010 15:49

Ok, thanks for letting me know what you think. If I say thats not how things are you might say "see?" so there is no way out for me here. I did learn that I have to be less patronising with her though.

OP posts:
kinnies · 28/01/2010 15:52

I think you both could do with being a bit more grown up.
You slagged her off to your (and her) friends. Hardly the actions of a grown woman!

If she brings out the worst in you then just dont let her get to you. Dont seek out her company or caal her up (not sure that you do anyway).

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