how to word it without sounding nasty

[ShanBrod]

We have had finally come to the decision that contact with my In Laws is just to heart breaking,disruptive and upsetting for our children.After our second christmas of being shafted by them and the ruining of my wedding i feel i need to tell them why we are cutting contact(atleast for the time being) as I emotionally can't keep seeing my family being hurt and my Hubby feeling that they don't care.My question is how can i word it to let them know we hope to rebuild the relationship with them maybe but atm we just can't.I don't want to be attacking(as thats how MIL is with me) but i also want to tell them we are not continuing this fake family anymore.Any tips on what to write and how to word it would be very helpful?

Sorry that first part is for us and our children

Don't. Saying it out loud makes it far harder to undo. Just stop seeing them as much as you possibly can.

I can understand the desperate want to say what you think, but it's far better to leave it unsaid or you may cause an irretrievable rift.

Agree. Don't write to them. You are putting them in charge by doing that, as you will provoke a response.

Just get on with your own lives and let them make any approaches to you - and then you can be in charge of accepting/rejecting, depending on how you feel at the time.

we have gone without contact now since christmas but i feel for my DH i need to keep the line of communication open even if i just say its not forever but both sides need some breathing space to get perspective on things and then maybe we can start afresh.I just don't feel cutting them off and ignoring them will help the situation and that is their tactic's to us and i want DH to also feel we have done everything to have them in our lives but can't until the and us feel ready to talk.

But you risk not keeping the line of communication open if you write something as final as saying you don't want any more contact.

You don't have to cut them off and ignore them, just make the contact be on your terms, not theirs.

If you write a letter - you are casting yourselves as the 'bad guys' in their eyes. Sending them a letter won't give you closure or control of the situation, which is what I think you may be searching for. Just make excuses not to see them and cut the contact down to the bare minimum. Have you voiced your upset about whatever it is they are doing? So they have a chance to understand?

I understand what you are all saying and i will say im an olive branch thrower and to be honest im not fussed at being the bad guy as I already am in their eyes.They didn't bother to contact us christmas day and we feel deleberatly didn't tell us of a family gatheringto be nasty(MIL tactic but comes across as innocent) they rang DH mobile but then rang and left a voice message on mine which we feel was just another way to blame me and not DH. Since then we have not seen or heard from them so am guessing they are pissed off at us for not playing the game but i would like to tell them we want space and maybe in the future after reflection(or not) we might be able to somehow have them in our childrens lives even if limited.

but.....

I'm sorry, I think deliberately getting in touch with them to say you don't want contact is a bit of a mixed message. Especially if the things you have told us about (I understand there may be much more that you haven't told us) are about them not getting in touch enough (not ringing at Christmas etc).

Is it so important to have a label put on the relationship? I barely speak to most of my relatives but I consider that I am still in a relationship with them even if we have neither laid eyes on each other nor voluntarily contacted each other for decades!

Why not just put them out of your minds for a bit? I do have some experience on this (don't want to get into details). It sounds tbh as if you are angry with them, rather than wanting to throw olive branches about - would you really rather have a row with them? But if they won't row satisfactorily, probably less painful just to get on with living the way you like to live?

No, no, no! If they are behaving like this, and then you write to them, you are walking right into their 'game'!

People who behave like this, IMO, rely on the fact that people like you are nice and want to proffer the olive branch.

It will be snatched out of your hand and snapped over their knees in a heartbeat.

Don't do it!

Imagine that they are like toddlers having a tantrum - ignore, ignore, ignore.

It sounds like you've got last-word-itis!

Don't do it it's absolutely unnecessary.

It seems as though you want to be the ones who suspend contact despite the fact thay have quite clearly already done so (and they didn't feel the need to explain why, so it's likely they'll care little for your reasoning).

You are about to enter into a power game, maybe unwittingly but a power game it is.

Do not engage, it is really the only way.

If you feel the need to write, do so but don't send it. I'd be willing to bet that at some point in the near future, you'll be glad you didn't.

you want to contact them to tell them you don't want to contact them. i think they know!

your dh can phone them whenever he wants, as can they. you've not moved country / changed your number / changed your address.

Shan

Writing a letter would work in normal healthy functioning families but not in this case where there are toxic inlaws. And your inlaws are completely toxic.

Much as it is nice to offer an olive branch here it will backfire on you and badly so. It does not work in situations where there are toxic family members.

These toxic people you see do NOT play by the "rules" governing "normal" family behaviour; they only operate on their own terms and with no regard for anyone else.
Your entreaties will be unheard and any contact on your part will be seen as an "in" to get back into your lives.

You need to ignore them and not be drawn into their mind games.

These people take no responsibility for their actions, they are damaged people and your inlaws may well even be personality disordered. You cannot hope to begin to reason with people like this. You can only walk away.

Your olive branch will be chucked back at you with a ferocity not seen before now. If they cannot be civil to you they certainly will not be to your children. You do not want their toxicity passed to the next generation i.e your children because they will be more than happy to dump their issues on them.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

If you don't want to contact /see them why get upset when they 'didn't bother to contact us christmas day' ? What do you really want?
I agree it would be wrong to send a letter.
Be strong!

Agree with all the above.

If you send the letter they will go mental.

They have already stopped contact so you need do nothing now. Factor them out of your lives.

yeah - dont write.

We had an 'appology' letter from a relative - i personally didnt want any contact either so didnt reply - apparently i was totally in the wrong but then i would have been whatever i had done.

I think what you want is for them to acknowledge they have treated you badly by agreeing no-contact for a while .

Sorry but they wont do that.

Ok to answer some questions its not just about the contact there are alot more "issues" that have happened since i got married recently and the intent on their behalf is just getting more nasty and obviously deliberate.They might choose not to change but all we can do is make them aware that its noticed and its up to them to want to change but im not going to get in a slanging match if shes not willing to listen and take on board,I will give them chances and let things slide but its now just getting nasty.And the reason for the letter is she makes out she doesn't know why we have not made contact since christmas and im sick of her saying im using her son & kids as pawns to others in the family so by telling her straight she has no confusion

Well i sent the email yesterday saying we feel some time apart might be best for us all and to reflect and get some perspective on how things becames like this and how we both could of done things better,I did say its not forever and hopefully in the soon future we might be able to start afreash and build the relationship for the better.....it didn't go well and i guess i expected the reply we got.

It said along the lines of DH not being able to say anything as i rule him and lots of personal character bashing of me,she said she has no problem and thought things were fine but "if that means if we loss a son and 2 grandchildren than so be it! "

I just responded with for her to have a good think about her choice of words as they were very harsh and unhelpful in repairing things and if shes willing to reflect on her own actions and words like we have done thats all we ask, I also said im not going to get in a character bashing and if her heart softens and she feels different our number is XYZ.

We are now leaving them be and hopefully it sinks in(which i think might going by past experience even though it sounds doubtful)

She also responded after that that im to blame as im wanting to deliberatly keep them from her son and grandchildren and when i build a bridge they might be able to fix things.......so i guess its just not going to work and now we know we gave it a last shot and can walk away with knowing we tried but they are just not in that place of reasoning , and maybe never will be and thats sad for us but we know we can move forward and our children are no longer confused of them in & out of our lives all the time.

I had a similar letter from a relative - who asked we give them time - why.

I didnt respond - i really dont see why time should heal - it tends to go the other way.

They have never got in touch again - i suspect i will always be painted as the 'badie' in all this.

I think that if you truly do want to build any bridges then you should always make sure that the children are a part of their lives by sending updates ect.

Silence from you now will only make them think the worst of you.

I personally dont think you will ever get what you want from them - for them to admit they were wrong and to leave it at that.

I will never admit it to my family members and actually now i do believe they are missing out far more than i am.

I actually think you will be missing out as much as them - i just hope your h does stand by you and never 'sides' with them - they have made it perfectly clear where their loyalities lie now.

I wouldnt write to them....meet up in a quiet coffee shop,even tho its out of the norm. Tell tem you have something important to discuss and that it would eb more comfortable on neutral ground.

Tell them what your concerns are and how you feel. If you dont get this off yur chest it will eat away at you. Its your family and your right. Take DH with you and get him to back you up.

This situation is the typre of thing that causes deprseeion,pent up anger and resentment and can only impact on the DC's.
Tell her exactly what annoys you....then hear her out and firmly stand your ground and say that you wish to have time apart to manage your family life YOUR way without disruptive times on occasions that should be happy,at xmas ,easter etc.
Dont live a lie ,just for the sake of it....lifes too short

I wouldn't have written the letter/sent the email.

In this situation, I am the DIL and know that I would forever be painted the nasty one in all this, it's a no win situation imo.

They are your DH's family and to them you are the outsider trying to split their family up....as has been stated in their email back to you.

The only way the ILs might take notice of any problems is if your DH spoke to them directly.

This is the way we manage our respective IL's. I deal with my lot and he deals with his, that way no-one came blame the 'outsider' for any problems. We also create a united front appearance by doing this, they then know there are no "cracks" that could be used to their advantage.

I really do hope your DH feels as strongly as you about this as otherwise this could cause some real angst at home.

Write the letter. It might make you feel better, but...
DON'T send it!!!!!

I have to ask - what is your DH doing/saying in the middle of all this? In many ways, it's not your battle to fight but his.

I understand she may be a horrible woman but TBH your dh should be dealing with it.
It would drive me mad if my ds's wife decided to tell me I couldn't see my son I would want to hear it from him and you have now given her something to fight you about rather than been the bigger person and rising above her unreasonable behavior.

Totally agree with comewhine.

You've given her enough ammo to blame you and slag you off for eternity, unless of course there is some reason you haven't said why your DH isn't able to speak for himself.

There's only one way a letter from a DIL banning contact with grandkids is going to be taken, and that is with great hostility.

Why isn't your DH dealing with this?

I think I have already accepted that no one will ever be good enough for my pfb ds. Pity the poor girl who does try and 'take' my son. And if anyone tried to stop me from seeing my grandchildren - well i dread to think. But as i have said i already well aware of my 'faults' there.

Have you already told your MIL where the fault lies with you - that is the olive branch now surely? It is no good saying there is fault on both sides and then expecting her to agree.

To build the bridge now you will have to 'give' - if she is gracious she will also accept some of the blame - if not then you will have to carry out your threat of allowing no contact. Although i think this is a very hostile move on your part. The only reason i can see is if she is actually putting the children in real danger.

DH has told her so many times how their behaviour is affecting the relationship with us and she tells him she doesn't give a shit and if we don't like it we can fuck off,she also tells him she has two other sons(she has 3 boys) and will have more grandchildren eventually to replace ours with so hes sick of it not getting through to them as its never taken on board and she abuses him too.
If you want back history you can look at my previous posts to get an idea of the people we are dealing with.She blames me for absolutely everything and whenever i even try to have a rational conversation with her she just says im at fault for it all,you are keeping my son away(which he has told her im not) and she hopes im happy now to get them out of our lives.
I though some breating space might clear some of the air if shes not willing to be civil towards us and told her it WASN'T forever but we would approch/or they can when we all feel ready to stop the personal attacks and character bashing as its making the relationship un repairable with how things are now,to which i got more abuse so im leaving it and hoping she thinks before she speaks.
This is affecting our children because shes happy to slag me off in front of them and DD comes home to repeat so contact will now be on our terms until shes willing to stop this too.
Maybe its harsh to leave them be but it needed to be said we are not going to keep putting up with this every 3 months just for the sake of family and if shes not willing to play even nice then she will have to not be apart of our lives.