Splitting up - what really happens?

[blondemummy]

I've never posted in here before but I'm so unhappy and am just hoping that someone replies that has been in the same situation as me and has come out the other side.

I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for 8 and have three children, 7, 5 and 2. He has a well paid high powered job and I am a stay at home mum having never gone back to work after having our first child. We've always been very up and downn and always think to myself if its not any better I will leave next year and never do. Things have really come to a head now and hes been just foul lately. We barely speak, sleep in seperate rooms. He undermines me in front of the children and generally makes me feel like a peice of crap. He doesn't like me going out with family, doesn't like any of my friends, criticises our food, the way the house is kept (it is v tidy!) swears if things aren't the right way round in the fridge, makes out that everything I do is crap and that I'm a total dumbo which incidently I am not! A few years ago he was having some kind of relationship with a woman at work after I'd had our second son. He swears they didn't have sex so I dismissed it, now I'm thinking just because they didn't have sex doesn't mean it wasn't an affair. He says if I don't have sex, jokingly, I'll just have to go out and pay for it then. Now I'm paranoid he is doing just that! He shows me no affection, won't even kiss me on the lips. Anyway the list is endless. He is a total bully. Anyway now I know I've got to go as I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. What really happens when you instigate a seperation or divorce? How the hell do you manage when you've not been in work for years and years? I feel trapped because I'm worried I won't be able to look after my family and keep my home but I just can't go on like this.

Sorry this seems so long. x

Hi blondemummy,
I'm in a very similar situation so will watch this with interest. I'm wondering what a good divorce settlement would be for people like us, who've given up our careers to support our husbands and bring up their children..

I think the first thing you need to do is go and see a solicitor for an initial consultation. The CAB might be able to help too.

It might make things tough financially, but it doesn't sound like there's much else staying for from what you've written. Life is way too short to put up with this kind of treatment. I sometimes wonder if their jobs at work earn them some kind of status that they expect at home too? My ex was far worse after he got promoted and expected to be able to manage me as well as his team.

Hope you're ok - stay strong

Go see a solicitor and speak to womens aid.

No,one should have to put up with this and this will clearly have an effect on your kids.

Take a very deep breath, pick up the phone to your solicitor and make an appointment. they will tell you all you need to know on a practical level.
On an emotional level...Good luck, stay strong and believe that you are not useless, dumb or any of the afore mentioned. He, however is a bully!

I am in a similar position. Married nearly 11 years. Have 19 yr old DS from 1st marriage, 2 DC - 9 and 7 from present marriage. Been a SAHM since having two youngest DC and don't have the confidence fully that I can manage on my own. I too am married to a bully who has alot of power at work. Never been happy or settled in this. Permanent uncertainty etc..... I would recommend seeking legal advice. I have had a couple of free initial appointments with solicitors. I would also recommend counselling.

For God's sake woman go! Your husband sounds vile! You get one life, and would being a single mum be any worse than living with someone who clearly doesn't respect you? You wouldn't take this from anyone else, let along the person who is supposed to love you. Three things - get yourself to a solicitor. You will no doubt get to stay in your house, will get marital maintenance plus child support. Plus think about getting a job; it will give you loads of self confidence and you get loads of cash as a single mum through working tax credit and child tax credit if you do more than 16 hours a week. Also, get yourself to Relate for some counselling; they will give you loads of support and you might find he will come with you. He may be unhappy too so this may even save your marriage? And if you are really struggling, get along to the docs - my doctor put me on citalopram for anxiety and I can't tell you what a difference it had made to my ability to cope day to day. Separating is no picnic and is of course tremendously painful but it isn't good for you or your kids to live in this environment. Man up and be happy!

That was four things!

Defo get legal advice. But I'd say the main thing is to seize the mettle and be brave. It's getting the confidence and bravery to just say 'That's it, we're not together any more'. You might be really surprised at how he reacts.

For a lot of people it's a massive relief after years of unhappiness. There are a lot of horror stories around, but it's a shame that the more positive ones aren't talked about. The ones where it works out just fine, it's hard for a bit, but you know, it's great getting your life back! It really is!

You have to hang on to the idea that there's this chance for you to find and have happiness. Part of that will probably be some kind of job, but I think he'll have to support you until it becomes a possibility. There are loads of government initiatives helping people retrain. Pick your dream job and go for it!

Good luck, seriously, there is such a wonderful life out there after terrible unhappiness. You will treasure every moment of it, now you've been through a load of crap. You only get one life, and it's bloody short, so do it now. Plus your littlies shouldn't be in that environment.

Take care of yourself and don't take any more shit off him. Come back here for support if you need it, there are fab people here.

ps Stop worrying so much about the practical stuff. Practical stuff you can sort out, it's just admin. It's the emotional decision to leave that you must focus on first, that's the big bit.

A lot of solicitors will give the first hour or half hour of advice for free - ring around. You're in a strong position to get a good maintenance settlement and keep the family home.

Your husband is abusive - properly. Look here: Refuge's early warning signs.

In the longer term, if you can work upwards of 30 hours a week - which should be possible once your DCs are in school - you would be a line to get a fair whack in working tax credits. Combined with child tax credit and child benefit, plus your ex's maintenance, plus your wages, this should enable you to live comfortably.

Thank you all so much for replying. Its good to know that people do get through this kind of thing. I'd already been thinking of doing a course so that I could get an interesting job but when I asked him if he would pay for it he said I'd just drop out and I wouldn't be able to cope with it so it would be a waste of money. He obviously didn't say it as plainly as that, he was vicious about it. It hadn;t even occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to do it, cheeky sod! I know I can do it, perhaps when my head is in a better place. I've had a look at that entitled to website and it looks like we'd be able to cope financially. I'm just mortified that people will find out that my marriage has failed and all the mums gossiping about me at school. They all think hes a nice guy because hes such a jekyll and hyde character. None of them would beleive what he is like at home. Screaming at us all, smashing things in temper, hes been known to punch a hole in the door before now. I know hes depressed but he won't admit it and certainly won't go to relate as I've suggested it before. He thinks its a load of old rubbish.

I know I've just got to be brave and take the plunge. I'm just scared of what the future holds even though I know its the right thing to do. Thanks again everyone. x

Don't worry about what the other moms at school will say or gossip about - I'll bet my bottom dollar that even though they will talk, they will secretly admire you as well (they'll never admit it though),for being brave enough to walk away from your marriage.

I can assure you that 90% of women are married to men who are nasty to them and do not appreciate them or do not treat them with respect. Some learn to live with it and create 'lives' for themselves inside the marriage through friends, hobbies and volunteer work, but seeing as you are so isolated (he has made sure that you are) in your marriage, you have no option to but to end it - your life can only get better now.

nina...did you really mean that 90% of women are married to men who are nasty to them etc ?

really?

Hi anyfucker, you are right, I shouldn't generalise - let me rephrase that: 90% of the women I know are married to men who are nasty to them.

nina, I don't understand why so many of your friends are married to nasty men

you give good advice though

You'll be ok. I found the first six months v stressful but a year on I am doing retraining that I love, the kids are fine, and I can't believe I put up with it so long.

I too felt that mums were gossiping but when I mentioned it to a couple they said they were impressed by my bravery and that they thought I was an inspiration - I was well shocked.

My ex has the kids tonight and I am at home chilling, doing exactly what I want to do, no worries about what he might think and a friend of mine told me today that my ex's sister told her that she had no idea how I put up with him for so long.

Just think (and this is what got me through) - do you want your kids to grow up and emulate the relationship that they see with you and your husband? Because I couldn't bear it if my sons treated women the way my ex treated me.

Good luck x

Thank you Slashtrophe. I'm in a real quandry. He came home last night all sweetness and light and I just feel so confused. Know I can't keep going on like this but now I don't want to upset the apple cart and spoil the childrens weekend by having it out with him and actually talking and saying that maybe we should seperate. At the end of the day I know this good mood will only be shortlived and within days I will be back at square one. If there were no children involved it would be so much easier. I'm worried about breaking 3 little boys hearts.
x

the 5 and 2 year old will be fine. the 7 year old will ahve already seen adn ehard more than eh should:

"Screaming at us all, smashing things in temper, hes been known to punch a hole in the door before now. "

do you think that is ok?

"I know hes depressed but"

no no no depression does not cause this behaviour - i have had GP's psychaiatrists etc etc tell me that clearly - we cannot help your (now ex)P ebcause these behaviours are nothing to do with depression. i too was taken in by the 2oh eh is stressed/depressed/bla bla bla..."

as you said - he is jeckyll and hyde - -that is classic abusive behaviour. see cycle of abuse -

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/dynamics.htm

dont worry about the boys- they can stills see him if he is willing to do so.

but honestly what is best for them: grow up in a calm serene house with no shouting and smashing of objects. and having one on one time with their dad elsewhere - if he is up for that.

or see their mother cowering and hearing shouts, screams, fists through doors...then periods of calm where you all just waiting for it to start all over again...

Then maybe you should go to Relate. I found that they saw through all of my ex's crap and they made me feel it was ok to leave. They gave a really balanced insightful third party look at the relationship and it was a really good medium for discussing our relationship and then separating.

As for your boys, well I have two boys and they honestly are fine. They see me, they see lots of their dad, we sometimes do stuff all together. They don't have to watch arguments any more. I think it took six months for them to settle and though the oldest sometimes asks why we can't all live together I just say 'because daddy and I argue' and he is ok with that. They get far more attention from their dad than they used to, and I am much more chilled on a day to day basis.

Sorry, just saw you said he won't go to Relate.

I think you should see a solicitor and the CAB and then tell him either he does Relate or you're leaving (though probably you could make him leave the family home).

I made my decision that I was splitting from ex for similar reasons to all the rest of you.

Never sought legal advice, never went to Relate.

Starting looking for another house, bought it, ex moved to a flat nearer work, sold marital home, he gave me all equity.

I was then a single parent with three DCs. Thankfully they were all school age so I found a job and went back to work.

Got divorced on grounds of his adultery.

Have never done the legal thing re kids and access, maintenance. It is just amicable and is not subject of lawyers.

Our divorce cost £360 from start to finish and I did it all online.

I know my case is exceptional but it does show that you can do it and keep your sanity.

Four months after all of that I met my current partner and five years after that we got married.

As I said, this is a rare divorce case but please try and keep any anger / resentment in check. I dont mean that to sound flippant and really I dont. I cannot imagine how hard it is for a lot of people but you are in charge now.

Cestlavie - yes, I know I'm probably making excuses for such awful behaviour. I do always put all the crap down to being stressed at work or being depressed. I know hes not a nice person but sometimes I see this glimmer of the person I fell in love with when I was 22 and then I feel awful for even contemplating taking the boys away. I know everything you say is right but I still feel in complete turmoil. I'm going to have a look at that website now as well.

Slashtrope - thanks, I am going to suggest Relate again tonight. If he wants to save our marriage he should be willing to go. And if he won't invest his time then theres no hope for us. I refuse to leave my home and I think he will refuse to leave as well. What happens if he says he won't go? x

My god, I've just looked at that website briefly. Most of it is him down to a tee. Especially the page about Mr Right or Mr Wrong. I'm totally lost for words.

blondemummy, you need to reach the crucial point when you realise enough is enough. It took me about a year to get to that stage, but some happen much sooner, some much later. One day you'll just realise you can't do it anymore. Would highly recommend counselling on your own if he won't go with you.

I'm now in a very similar position to Slashtrophe. Nobody at all has been judgey to me - there's one person I no longer see but she was no loss.

BigBadMummy, that's an amazing story!

snowpoint Thanks. One of my proudest achievements is my divorce.

That has come out wrong (like something I posted about Heather Mills the other day that caused mass snorting ) but I worked really hard to channel my emotions into something positive and just deal with it. I think my 3 DCs are also relatively unscathed too.

I get really pissed off when people "stay together for the sake of the children" as Elin is doing with Tiger Woods. That is far more destructive to kids, IMO.

But I am side tracking here, sorry OP.

Made a decision and stuck to it.

If you think your husband is abusive OP or you want out, start making plans to do it. he sounds like a real twat and you will be better off without him.

You don't need Relate or Women's Aid to confirm those feelings for you.

Though they will be a great source of support. As will your friends and family.

Bigbadmummy- Sorry I missed your post earlier. I think you're very brave. The amount of people that do expect you to stay together for the kids is unbelievable. I know its not healthy and I don't want them to turn out like him. None of my family or close friends like him, guess that really says it all. His own mother said to me about a year ago to leave him when the children were abit older and that I needed some money so that I could go. His own mother. This has been going on for more or less 5 years now, he was very controlling before in terms of money and the house but not as bad as now so its not something I've not given much thought to. I don't go to work and feel like its ALL i think about.