Splitting up - what really happens?

[blondemummy]

I've never posted in here before but I'm so unhappy and am just hoping that someone replies that has been in the same situation as me and has come out the other side.

I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for 8 and have three children, 7, 5 and 2. He has a well paid high powered job and I am a stay at home mum having never gone back to work after having our first child. We've always been very up and downn and always think to myself if its not any better I will leave next year and never do. Things have really come to a head now and hes been just foul lately. We barely speak, sleep in seperate rooms. He undermines me in front of the children and generally makes me feel like a peice of crap. He doesn't like me going out with family, doesn't like any of my friends, criticises our food, the way the house is kept (it is v tidy!) swears if things aren't the right way round in the fridge, makes out that everything I do is crap and that I'm a total dumbo which incidently I am not! A few years ago he was having some kind of relationship with a woman at work after I'd had our second son. He swears they didn't have sex so I dismissed it, now I'm thinking just because they didn't have sex doesn't mean it wasn't an affair. He says if I don't have sex, jokingly, I'll just have to go out and pay for it then. Now I'm paranoid he is doing just that! He shows me no affection, won't even kiss me on the lips. Anyway the list is endless. He is a total bully. Anyway now I know I've got to go as I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. What really happens when you instigate a seperation or divorce? How the hell do you manage when you've not been in work for years and years? I feel trapped because I'm worried I won't be able to look after my family and keep my home but I just can't go on like this.

Sorry this seems so long. x

There is a very high end law firm called Manches with a good family law team. There are some useful articles on their web page if you want more clarity on your legal situation, and also some advice on children and divorce.

I think one of the things you are finding hard is the uncertainty about what it will be like if you split. Going to a solicitor will help you with this - court orders are pretty formulaic, to be honest.

Yes Fridayschild you are right. I know its not a matter of should we split up, I know we have to. I just want to be able to see 6 months down the line and know that everythings ok but obviously I can't. Thank you, will take a look at that website now. x

Hi Blondemummy,

I'm not really out the other side but I'm alot further down the line than you. I've tolerated emotional abuse for a decade and all last year I wanted to leave but worried so much about finances, the kids, work etc.

Then one day he critised something very insignificant (oh and I so get the fridge thing! Mine has a problem with the way I load the dishwasher too!), I picked up the phone and called a solicitor. My 30 mins free advice turned into 50 mins as everything just poured out.

But I also went to CAB, some of whom have domestic abuse counsellors (and yes, that is what you are experiencing) who help you find the light at the end of the tunnel. Either way, they can tell you what you will be entitled to (work/child tax credits etc) - I nearly fell off my chair when I heard how much I'd get. I've lived off peanuts for years as my H wouldn't give any housekeeping. I had to earn it and getting back into work has been tough. But I now have experience and a game plan to change direction and still make something of myself.

I have gone from feeling like crap on the bottom of H's shoe to feeling so much happier. I do take Anti'd's, I have had counselling but the real turning point has been that the more I take control of my life, the happier I become and the kids too.

It feels overwhelming I know, but I promise you once the ball gets rolling it makes you feel better. I still have to live with my xtb because he won't leave the house - but things have improved partly because I'm feeling so much better in myself. That said, we still have mediation, finances and kids to sort so the roller coaster will no doubt come sooner or later.

Go and see a solicitor, your CAB, see it as a fact finding mission rather than anything more dramatic and then take one decision, at a time.

Hi blondemummy, I'm a bit ahead of you in a very similar situation and might be able to give you a few pointers but don't want to reveal too many personal details on here. Am happy to chat to you on email if you want to contact me at all.

It's really not as bad as I expected it to be though, it's letting go of the family dream which is by far the hardest bit.

I have a funny fridge story too. What is it about these men and fridges?

chippychippybangbang - I'm not sure how to contact you off the forum. "the family dream thing" that is so much a part of my past reluctance to do anything. I always wanted to get married and have lots of children and live happily ever after. I'm sure there are people who look at us and are envious but they only see whats on the surface. I married my husband for life, divorce was never meant to be an option. I wanted to have a lovely husband, lovely children, nice home etc. That little unit is going to be shattered. And not that I am REMOTELY interested in finding another partner, the thought of marrying me again makes me shudder, would I ever find anyone willing to take on another mans 3 children?

Yes, of course there are blokes around who date women with children. You wouldn't refuse to go on a date with a bloke who had 3 kids, would you? It works both ways. God, don't let that be the reason to stay with someone who is horrible to you all!

It takes a while to get to the point when you've had enough, you'll know when it happens. It took me years! The thing that stopped me was the guilt and shame and sense of failure. I finally told my parents that I was worried about this sort of 'family shame' and they were horrified and said that was crap. All they wanted for me was for the misery to end and for me to find happiness. Am a few months into dating after a year on my own, and I can tell you, there are amazing men out there

Have you got anyone in real life to support you?

picmaestress is right, you do reach that point, I remember it vividly. We were having an argument and it was like a lightbulb moment - I imagined myself being in the same situation in 10 years time and felt utter horror.

Everyone I know who has been through this is now settled and happy with someone else, dc's or not. I think because we've been involved for so long with selfish men, we assume all others out there are the same, when they really aren't.

blondemummy, you can CAT me by clicking the contact poster button on the top right of this post, that will send an email to my address I think. I'd give more details on here but I've been recognised in RL so now am very wary!!

to contact another poster you will have to pay the fee of a fiver to enable it

I've done that AF, does it mean I can contact others for free or do both need to pay? I need to set up an email which doesn't include my full name in the address don't I?!!

chippy, if you pay you can contact who you like and they can reply even if they haven't paid

but you cannot initiate if you have not paid

and yes...your full name will be visible to who replies to you if your email includes it

My full name has been been outed on email to trusted people, but am not bothered tbh

that's fine AF, can deal with that degree of outing! I wonder if my subscription has expired.. will give it a go.

The reality of splitting up is that if you were totally miserable by somebody constantly at you day in day out then you will be a lot happier living in a home with your children where that nastiness has been removed.

You wake up and plan your day how you want it, have your home how you want it, don't have to deal with the emotional distress of arguing with another adult in front of the children.

You have the control back in your life. It is scary at first but when you get the taste for it you want to hang on to it.

blondemummy I found a man who took me on with three kids. We married 18 months ago.

He didn't have kids and I can't have any more.

Stay strong!

Well we've talked and he basically says I'm not making him happy and that I am oversensitive like all bloody women and that I see things that aren't there and read too much into things. I'm not giving him what he wants. He says I don't listen to him and our sex life has gone down the pan. He doesn't seem to realise why our sex life has disappeared in the last 6 weeks though. Its because I'm so unhappy and angry with him. Ended with him telling me to fuck off with the kids so I said no you fuck off! Really mature. Hes gone out in a mood now. So, thats it then back to the not speaking for the forseeable future.

Ask him to leave. Get some legal advice. Protect yourself and your children. life is too short for this shit. x

Oh no. Don't keep putting up with this. You either need to get into Relate asap, or get him out.

I tried to contact you btw, but you need to change the setting on your email options (through My Mumsnet) to allow you to receive messages from anyone on here. It's entirely up to you, but having been through something very similar I'm happy to pass on the advice I've received so far.

Alternatively, there's a divorce support thread somewhere on here which has lots of useful info on. A solicitor is probably your first port of call if it's really got beyond salvaging (and even if not, it's good to understand your rights.) While he's out, start finding documents to photocopy!!!

Thank you chippychippy. I'll go and do the email settings things now and I think I'll have a look at that divorce support thread too. Really appreciate your help x

You won't be lonely on the divorce support thread - I'll probably see you there!

My stbx has gone away for work for a month - the house is clean, the shopping is done, the fridge and dishwasher are loaded exactly how I like them....

Today is the calmest I have felt in yonks!!