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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

scared of ExW

46 replies

european · 27/01/2010 07:49

Dear all,
I am in a pretty horrible situation that I am partly to blame for, but...here you go.
When I met DP about 18 months ago, he was about to divorce his W - she was emotionally abusive to him and marriage didnt work out for pretty much most of their married days. Now I know the right thing to do was to tell him to get it sorted and then get back to me. But of course I was stupidly in love and believe it wouldnt take long. so I got into a relationship with him. Now, 18 months later, the divorce papers are almost signed, but only just almost and he still lives with her under one roof as due to credit crunch wasnt able to sell the house more quickly. Honestly, I realize I have done things wrong.
Now of course the soon-to-be-ExW found out about us on his phone and despite them being separated for all that time and actually almost divorced, she got into her head that I am stealing her husband and now is bombarding me with nasty texts, swear words and threaths along the lines "Are you scared? You should be because you are going to pay for this" etc. Well I am scared because she is nuts She also made a FB page about me stealing her husband.
So far I havent replied to her but I am saving her texts and I am tempted to say to her to stop or else I will report her to police. Is that possible?
Another thing I am not sure of is what to do with DP. I really cant see a happy end in this, he is partly to blame for this when he didnt get it sorted differently - and I am, when I allowed it and stayed with him, he just assumed I was ok with it and happy to wait
Please dont flame me too much - I am learning from my mistakes ((
Thanks

OP posts:
RoyaltyIsMyOnlyDelusion · 27/01/2010 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
european · 27/01/2010 08:10

About to divorce means separated, yes, sleeping in different bedrooms etc., divorce procedures already going.
I love him but it is so hard that I am tempted to walk away for good. I cant imagine this going on for the rest of my life, and what their poor kids will think (
I think his problem is being too good (to the point of ridiculous) and trying to keep everyone happy. He had a trouble selling the marital house so rather than moving to rent somewhere, he chose to stay for the kids which I understood. But she possibly saw it as still having a chance with him, I dont know
Is it a good idea to actually text her to stop or I will report her to police?

OP posts:
RoyaltyIsMyOnlyDelusion · 27/01/2010 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
european · 27/01/2010 08:14

And now he is saying that she is only trying to break us up and I am letting her and throwing our future away rather that protecting me from that nutcase woman

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 27/01/2010 08:21

What makes you think he was separated when you met him? For all you know he was only separated in his mind.

And how did she get your phone number and name?

Don't respond to her texts and consider going to chat with the police. And get yourself off facebook, make it friends only and don't add her as a friend - does she have photos of you? cos otherwise she's just saying your name on facebook right?

kurves · 27/01/2010 08:36

this is common so do not blame your self get your self outta this mess it will take a couple days to get over it but just do it yo u will come out ok trust me and report the nuttert to the police you have rights and she has she already got a record for abuse well you need to protect your self if you do love him and fell that it can work be friends no sex keep your distance till he sorts this out and gets his head together then if it is meant to be it will be you never know you may decide that this is just way too much for you once you take your self out of the equation.

StirlingSmilesNever · 27/01/2010 08:45

I am afraid you will never know what he has been saying to his w. For all you know she has been asking him to try again and he may have gone along with it.

She may just see you as the spanner in the works - the person stopping them trying again.

And you only have his word for it that they have been sleeping apart. His w may be quite a sane and normal person but he could be telling her anything - I am afraid you just cannot believe him.

diddl · 27/01/2010 08:56

Walk away.

If he wanted to leave so badly he would have found somewhere to go to imo.

She was abusive but he stayed?

Sorry, but that doesn´t sound right tbh.

Original poster
european · 27/01/2010 09:03

She got the number from his phone and name possibly from his e-mail, I dont know. I suspect he kept some pictures of me so she recognized me on the FB. No, she is not my friend on there, just created a site saying horrible things about me so if anyone looks me up under my name, that´s what they find. I reported that page to FB (no response yet) and banned her from my profile so hopefully that helps.
Thank you kurves for your kind post. She doesnt have a record for abuse, DP never reported her as didnt want to upset the kids so wanted to wait it out and stay together for them, but when he couldnt bare it anymore, he finally went for a divorce. I dont want to report her as I dont want to make the already hard situation worse for the kids, but if she goes on, I will. DP is taking it to his solicitor.
I do love him and it could definetely work if it was just us, but not with her in the scene, unfortunately that is impossible because kids need her, however bad she is. DP would never take her away from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
european · 27/01/2010 09:05

I know he shouldnt have stayed and I shouldnt have put up with it. I was silly
I definitely need to walk out now, maybe we have a future, but I cant see it right now

OP posts:
diddl · 27/01/2010 09:08

If they have children & you get together she will still be a part of your lives.

WhoIsAsking · 27/01/2010 09:08

Right. So he was living with his wife, but in "separate bedrooms" when you met, and 18 months later he's still there?

I wonder why he hasn't signed the divorce papers. Maybe his pen has run out and we all know that pens are rarer than hen's teeth.

The harrassment is not on. Report it to the police if you want, but to be fair, if I were in her position I would be calling you all the names under the sun, because it sounds like he's been stringing you a line. If they were "almost divorced" and "living separate lives" she probably wouldn't give a shit would she?

Dump him. Run for the hills and never look back.

Original poster
european · 27/01/2010 09:13

I guess you are right
I have never been married/divorced so not really sure how long the procedures take. Thus being naive about it I guess

OP posts:
feelingpositivemum · 27/01/2010 09:26

Can I give other perspective.

My soon to be XH and I decided to separate last March, I moved out beginning of September and he started seeing his new girlfriend 2 weeks later.

I want to be divorced from him, it is the right thing to do BUT it is agony knowing he is seeing someone else, I think she is mad to take on such a newly separated man, he is desperate for a replacement and on so many occasions I have been poised trying to stop myself texting/ ringing her with abuse. (I haven't by the way but I can understand those that do).

She may want to be divorced, it's just such an emotional time and someone new coming in, it's so easy to hate them.

I wouldn't trust what he's been telling either of you.

Why did he stay for so long? Sounds suspect to me.

Sorry if that's harsh, just i'm on the other side. I feel sorry for her.

Also, who told you she's abusive, him?

AliGrylls · 27/01/2010 09:32

I take it you have told him about the threats.

If he were honest, he should be speaking to her about it and telling her that their problems have nothing to do with you (if this is the case).

Have you told anyone else about it? If she is calling your phone maybe get a male friend to answer it and he could tell her to stop calling the number.

I would also be extra vigilant about security, as you don't really know how real her threats are.

He has made out that his wife is to blame for all of the marital problems (and it does sound like she is unstable) however, the problem is that you are only hearing one side of the story. I am sure he has been a bit of bastard himself during the marriage.

PotPourri · 27/01/2010 09:35

Sounds fishy. Walk away and if it is meant to be then it will be. You've waited 18 months, you can wait another 6 months or so until he is genuinely free.

Have respect for yourself. He's not free (ignore the past). When he's free, if you want to you can try again. There really is no rush - which clearly he thinks too as he's still there!!!

Original poster
european · 27/01/2010 09:36

It is not harsh and I really appreciate the other perspective feelingpositivemum. Im sorry for your experience, I know it must be heartbreaking and I know she has a reason to hate me. I dont text her anything nasty back, I dont want to, I just wish she could leave me alone. I am not a bad person, the only bad thing I have done is falling in love and being naive about it, I admit. I didnt expect it to take so long to sort out, otherwise I would have never gone for that. We wanted to keep it secret precisely for these reasons, to avoid hurting anyones feelings. And I know now it was wrong and I am basically the OW.

OP posts:
crumpet · 27/01/2010 09:38

Text her to tell her that you are saving all her texts and making a note of every conversation that you have with her and that if she does not stop you will be showing them to the police.

Original poster
european · 27/01/2010 09:43

Yes I told him about the threaths and he will speak to his solicitor. He says he did tell her many many times that they are divorcing because of their problems and her being emotionally abusive, even after she found out about me, he reassured her that I am not the cause. Maybe she thinks that I have been the OW for much longer, I dont know or she just doesnt want to give up and takes her anger up on me.

She is not calling, just sending nasty texts. I am keeping them all just in case, and not replying. Except asking her to stop or else I will talk to police, to which she replied sarcastically "oh I am sooo scared" and that I shouldnt play with fire and I will get my ars burnt

Yes PotPourri, I do blame him for not rushing, I was silly to wait this long. If he at least lived somewhere else, maybe it would be more clear for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
european · 27/01/2010 09:45

I´m just having a feeling-sorry-for-myself moment after a sleepless night. Why cant I just have a normal relationship

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 27/01/2010 09:54

Stay away from him and tell him to fuck off till he sorts out his shit...

its quite obvious that some lies have been told and if i'm honest I think he's been stringing you along..separate bedrooms my azz..

She doesn't sound that unstable to me just pissed and taking out on you..separate yourself from the problem!

Do what crumpet says if she doesn't stop.

Mumcentreplus · 27/01/2010 09:57

You do realise you have been the OW for 18mths?...does she know that?..because thats long enough imo!

Original poster
european · 27/01/2010 10:00

I did that and she stopped apart from one sarcastic slightly threatening text after that.
I feel really stupid now and I know I need to walk out. I suppose it will be a relief in the end. To be honest this is just a catalyst as I was already getting really upset at the situation and how long this is all taking, my self-confidence really suffered. DP promised in summer that by Christmas he would be properly away from her but nothing happend.

OP posts:
Original poster
european · 27/01/2010 10:02

I think she only knows that we have been together since this summer, but even 6 months is long and she probably suspects more anyway. I would never go for it again, I seriously didnt imagine it could go this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
european · 27/01/2010 10:06

He claims he cant do more to speed things up he would always say it would be over soon. And that "soon" took 18 months. I did believe him as I didnt know how long these things take - he did occassionally show me some divorce papers to prove that something is happening - but quite obviously he didnt rush, now leaving me in this mess and thinking I would be ok with it again.
I wonder why I didnt walk out ages ago, I should have, but of course now is too late to complain about it.

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