scared of ExW

[european]

Dear all,
I am in a pretty horrible situation that I am partly to blame for, but...here you go.
When I met DP about 18 months ago, he was about to divorce his W - she was emotionally abusive to him and marriage didnt work out for pretty much most of their married days. Now I know the right thing to do was to tell him to get it sorted and then get back to me. But of course I was stupidly in love and believe it wouldnt take long. so I got into a relationship with him. Now, 18 months later, the divorce papers are almost signed, but only just almost and he still lives with her under one roof as due to credit crunch wasnt able to sell the house more quickly. Honestly, I realize I have done things wrong.
Now of course the soon-to-be-ExW found out about us on his phone and despite them being separated for all that time and actually almost divorced, she got into her head that I am stealing her husband and now is bombarding me with nasty texts, swear words and threaths along the lines "Are you scared? You should be because you are going to pay for this" etc. Well I am scared because she is nuts She also made a FB page about me stealing her husband.
So far I havent replied to her but I am saving her texts and I am tempted to say to her to stop or else I will report her to police. Is that possible?
Another thing I am not sure of is what to do with DP. I really cant see a happy end in this, he is partly to blame for this when he didnt get it sorted differently - and I am, when I allowed it and stayed with him, he just assumed I was ok with it and happy to wait
Please dont flame me too much - I am learning from my mistakes ((
Thanks

He's either completely spineless (trying to keep both of you happy) and lazy (not in that much of a rush to move out of his comfy home where presumably Wifey is still cooking and cleaning for him), or he is enjoying the situation of having women 'fight' over him.
While her behaviour is undignified and unpleasant, she doesn't sound that unstable ie presumably she hasn't actually come round and smashed your windows or followed you down the street screaming abuse.
THe Facebook page is nasty, I agree, but to an extent a lot of people think of venting on line as not quite 'real'.

european I don't want to give you false hope my divorce took over 10 months from beginning to end and it was as simple as could be (no children, finances resolved "amicably"). But every piece of paper sent to or from the court got lost at least once etc etc etc.

I don't think that the divorce itself is the main issue. by staying in that house your DH is making it very difficult for any of the people involved (himself, his wife, you or the children) to move on with a new life in which he and his wife are truly separate. It is no wonder emotions are still running so high. Feelings must get confused in that kind of atmosphere and as others have said you do not know what is going on with him and his wife when they are in that house and you are not there. I wonder that this alone is not driving you crazy. All you can control is your own life and I'd suggest you take that control back and stop making the progress of your life dependant on this man. Good luck. FWIW I don't think you have been sufficiently stupid that you should be flamed - the early stages of being in love usually requires a leap of faith to some extent. It is only niaivety when this goes wrong.

Separation and divorce is a horrible time and the parties involved most often don't grieve their relationship in the same way or at the same speed. He might have moved on when she is still struggling with the acceptance stage. I can understand why a third party dictating the pace might be a little vexing.

She sounds very angry and I'm sorry she is sending you horrible texts. And the Facebook page sounds puerile -- I suspect her Facebook friends will think less of her than they will of you to be honest so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Your relationship should be your chief concern. You sound a little as though you have lost respect for him?

Why not change your mobile number? Rise above her, and tbh, if he's not backing and protecting you from her, then rise above him too.

He's not that great a catch by the sounds of it. You deserve better.

At the moment he has got his cake and can eat it too. Get firm. Don't put yourself in a situation where you are taking the heat for HIS decisions, while all the while he's not getting himself out of the house and allowing everyone to pick up the pieces of their lives and move on.

I know what she is doing to you is foul and truly unacceptable, but the way your DP is conducting himself is like pulling the plaster off slowly. It's agony.

The best thing is to change your number, and tell DP to contact you when he's out and divorced. If the relationship doesn't stand the wait, then it wouldn't last anyway. Better you know now and not have to go through all this crap for nothing.

Wishing you all the very best. Don't blame yourself too much. You can continue as you mean to go on from now. Best foot forward eh?

"sleeping in different bedrooms " acc to him?

i had a friend once whose partner got his "ex" who he "didnt sleep with" pregnant while "sleeping in different bedrooms " - in fact she gave birth three months before my friend did with his child...but eventually they worked it out and the step siblings went to same school and childminder etc etc. it all ended happily eventually...

her behaviour to you is unacceptable but his may not be entirely trustworthy...

Thank you sooooo much everyone.

You are right, this is just the last straw, I dont really blame her too much. He is saying after talking to her that she was just angry and didnt mean her threaths (which sounds true) but I will keep the evidence anyway.

I do blame him for this agony though, he said he was staying in the same house "for the kids" which, as Im childless, I didnt want to be selfish and force him to rent a crappy place and only see them once a week. But that is his words actually, put into my mind. I am only just realizing how silly I was, not being firm at all, how he took me for granted and didnt think he should act more quickly because I would always be there. When he made time to see me, that is.

I suddenly feel kind of relieved now, because this thing really opened my eyes and now I know I need to get out. Maybe when he is properly single, maybe we can pick up where we left off - or rather start fresh, if possible - and maybe not, maybe I will see that this just would not work out.

Oh well, if anyone dating an about-to-divorce man, please learn from my mistake and run as fast as you can

SolidGold, I am in a different country and she doesnt know my address I presume, that´s why she hasnt come round yet to smash my windows

The texting stopped so I guess she calmed down and realized she crossed the line a bit.

But a (good) thing is that I now know I cant bear to be with him or even see him (we were supposed to meet up at the weekend which I cancelled)

And thank you so much for talking to me in here, it really helps

An angry text I can understand but to actually set up a nasty fb page doesn't sound like a stable person to me. Or am I just behind the times?

I would do as others have suggested. Tell him your sexual relationship is on hold until he sorts it out. Hard as it is. If he wants you, he will do it.

I dont think the w sounds unstable - just bloody angry!!

I have been there and in the same situation (ow in another country so I couldn't get to her) and the feelings of helplessness are overwhelming.

I can only repeat - you have no idea what this excuse for a man is saying to his w. For all you know he is telling her that you are chasing him. That may be why she is so angry.

I would back off until he is definitely divorced.

(you aren't in Hungary are you??)

I agree Stirling - and when I read this, I found myself worrying about how this might make you feel. It's amazing how this site has got me worrying about people I've never even met!

OP, you've worked this out for yourself. Suspect he wasn't getting divorced or even that his marriage was over. However unsettling and alarming her behaviour might be, try to walk for a moment in this woman's shoes. With luck, she will realise how many lies her H has been telling both of you and will act accordingly. Even if he left now, I wouldn't want him if I were you...retreating to you after his angry wife has kicked him out isn't about him making a choice is it? And if he comes now, that's exactly what will have happened, despite what he tells you to the contrary.

Thanks whenwilli - It is amazing isn't it, how some stories on here bring all the emotions rushing back? It is as though history is repeating itself but with someone else on the receiving end.

Thanks for thinking of me

Hope the op can back off this man for a bit until he makes a proper decision.

Sounds like he is playing you both (i.e lying to both of you ) Don't know why women still fall for all this cr*p. She must be going through utter hell losing her husband and the father of her children, and is taking it out on you.

Do you really want to be with this man, could you ever really trust him? How hard will it be having to be in contact with his ex-wife and children who rightly or wrongly will blame you for this mess?

IMO you should walk away now.

Ah well, a view from the other side here as well!
Have no doubt in my mind, he is playing you both
My XH told his OW, we were as good as seperated, seperate bedrooms, no sex, planning to divorce, funny enough that was all news to me Yes we were having problems, but had never discussed seperating or divorce!
When I found out about the OW, I went completely batty, and I am a fairly reasonable rational well educated person Yes I did some things I am ashamed off and some of those were fairly nasty texts to her, but what he was doing and saying pushed me to the very brink, and he very much made it all her fault!
It took me a long time to figure it all out and get rid of him

Have no doubt OP, in her mind you ARE the OW, and enirely to blame for her marriage breakup, have no doubt he is cultivating that! She is angry, hurt, distressed and hitting out at the one person it is "ok to blame" ...you!!

The harassment and threats are of course unacceptable, but IMO understandable!

As to the divorce, well my XH has fought me at every turn, been a complete arse and my absolute took almost exactly a year to come through!! No bloody way, if he wants to be divorced and move out should it take 18 months, and no way does he still NEED to live there!!

If this is in fact the kind of man you want to live with and be with, the best of luck to you, I suspect you will need it!

It may be you dont have the full story. I have no idea what my ex told his OW, but not long after I chucked him out he left her too for someone else. BTW my divorce took 10 months (uncontested and very civil). We could not have stayed under that same roof for all the tea in china!

Hello everyone,
just a little update from me. The ex posted photos on her fb and tagged him so that I could see from his fb....basically from this xmas, the 2 of them together at a dinner party with their friends. I mean, if you are separated and about to divorce, you dont go to dinner parties together? I remember once in a while I felt insecure and confronted him about spending time with her and he sweared they dont spend any time with her and that they only speak when it comes to the kids. He accused me of making things up and searching for arguments and there we go, a night out for them just a few weeks ago.
I really dont know why us women always fall for this crap. I guess when you meet someone who is lovely and seems right, you just want it to work out and dont immediately think there is something wrong. Although I should have known better in this case.

so you have dumped him then ?

Yes. Told him all of this and then put the phone down as I dont want to hear any more of his excuses.
He is still trying to make it sound like she just wants to break us up. That she put the pictures on fb on purpose and I believed her instead of him. Well of course I bloody do, those are pictures showing a night out for them when he kept saying they do absolutely nothing together.
Why are most men such bastards???

They aren't. You've both behaved badly here, but you at least acknowledge this. The only true victim here is his wife, who is probably desperate to blame you for intruding on her marriage. I dread to think what story he is concocting about you and with any luck, she will tumble that you are both being lied to. I really hope she will go through the necessary and painful process of finding the truth of this situation, as all of us need to make decisions based on the facts.

Keep telling yourself what seems to be the bitter truth here - as far as his wife knew, they were happily married. The pictures on Facebook are her way of telling you that - at some level she probably knows that he has been telling you a pack of lies about her marriage and she doesn't want history re-written for her - or for there to be someone out there who believes her marriage was a sham. She is probably in great pain and hitting out at you is making her feel better right now. In time, let's hope she hits out at him.

Good girl

Just be aware you will be described as some mad, bunny-boiling woman trying to ruin his marriage...

it does seem that he has behaved very, very badly and you are absolutely right to walk away

I suggest you have no further contact with him at all, he will only tell you more lies and hurt you more. Best to make a clean break.

The only way this could have worked is if he moved out of the marital home, lived elswhere for a good while (6 months plus) to prove it was you he really wanted and his marriage was truly over

I congratulate you for acknowledging your part in it, and having the morals to get out x

yes glad you have finally seen what he is up to.

Of course he is not intending to divorce his wife. Why would he when he can play happy families and still have you waiting in the side lines.

My h told ow some real whoppers too - i dont know if i was more angry with him for telling her or her for actually believing him. Of course i was angry with her once she knew the score (because i told her - not in a pleasant way either). She still believed he would choose her. She also blamed me for ruining her life.

I was apparently lazy and did nothing at all to contibute - well except of course look after his 4 children (but then anyone can do that cant they).

If I had a Pound for every man who had told me his wife is a nutter, I'd have a lot of Pounds!
I really think that line is the new, "my wife doesn't understand me"

Like someone said earlier, when you're living in the turmoil caused by the manipulative man, a really quite sane person can go a little crazy.

Even if she is an unpleasant emotionally abusive person, the staying for the sake of his kids doesn't really add up because, if he wants a divorce, they will have to stop living under the same roof at some point.

Don't agree with the line that the wife is the only victim here. You are definitely a victim too. I expect you're an open and truthful person who believed what they were told and got reeled in. You've learnt your lesson now though, never touch a man who claims that he is living with his wife but they don't sleep together anymore etc..It is such a common lie, or common for men to keep that fantasy in their head. I do know some people who have divorced and are stuck in a house they can't sell, but in that case, I'd be asking for a chat with the ex to make sure that that's true.

Even if she is a nasty, cruel, difficult person, he needs to divorce and set up conditions for regular contact with his kids before embarking on something serious.

Sounds like you need to protect yourself. It's easy to get tainted with the fallout from someone else's toxic marriage. Walk away. Good luck in finding someone who is properly available.