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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ahh, that's why.....

41 replies

feelingpositivemum · 26/01/2010 21:46

If only I had understood his sense of humour - when he was shouting at me until I was weeping he was only joking and I just misunderstood him.

If only I had understood why he was so tight that we couldn't buy conditioner, only take two towels swimming between 6 of us( would waste washing powder to wash them afterwards). Never mind we could all catch pneumonia.
It was because he has no parents and is on his own.

If only I had understood that he is just a little boy desperate for his mothers love, that's why he was so horrible to me, he was terrified I would betray him like she did.

If only I could have told him off and asked him to stop when he was horrible, then he would of stopped (?) and we could have saved the relationship.

If only I could have shown sympathy when he cried after he had been horrible.

If only I could appreciate how lucky I was that he wasn't unfaithful whilst we were together, never mind it took him 2 weeks after I left to replace me.

If only I could have had sex with him 'not less than twice a week' then it would have been great.

Oh dear, it was all my fault. If only I had realised...!!!

Sorry, a tad bitter and twisted, just makes me laugh really how I got it so horribly wrong! And how pleased I am to be out!

OP posts:

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 26/01/2010 22:03

Well done for leaving the inadequate little prick

There should be a clinton's card for that....

Malificence · 26/01/2010 22:06

I wonder if you can get one made up from moonpig?

What an arsehole.

wingandprayer · 26/01/2010 22:10

Good on you!

Best wishes for a happy, conditioner filled, multi towelled, twunt free future!

AnyFucker · 26/01/2010 22:10

well done for getting out

this OP should be posted on every thread where some do-gooder makes excuses for fuckwitted behaviour

or for every poor woman who tries to understand an abuser's treatment of her

or even worse...ties herself in knots trying to get him to understand the consequences of his abuse

Knickers0nMaHead · 26/01/2010 22:12

Well done for leaving!!

Original poster

feelingpositivemum · 26/01/2010 22:20

Thanks AF, sadly still doing those last two points, how do you stop?

And I still defend him at every opportunity, slowly slowly I suppose.

OP posts:

Original poster

feelingpositivemum · 26/01/2010 22:25

Oh, and loving those towels, DD's hair looks lovely, and we eat fresh fruit (not rotting)!! Heaven.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/01/2010 22:26

I don't know how you stop, fpm

I expect that old chestnut time will help

and every time he twists the knife/acts like a nob, your defence of him will wither away just a little bit more....

autumnlight · 27/01/2010 21:34

If only I hadn't imagined all the dv. Apparently, it didn't happen - and if it did - he was only ever defending himself.

Maybe that was why he never ever was sorry - not a single time - because I imagined the whole thing!!!!!!!!!!

Digitalis · 27/01/2010 22:42

Congratulations FeelingPositiveMum!

I could have written your post (apart from the conditioner and mine took an extra week to replace me). I've been free for almost a year now.

I think you are describing someone with a personality disorder.

Take a look at this website www.outofthefogsite.com and you may find your ex there.

BelleDameSansMerci · 27/01/2010 22:49

autumnlight your post just made my eyes fill with tears. I hope you're out and safe now?

ItsGraceAgain · 27/01/2010 23:37

Fantastic

NicknameTaken · 28/01/2010 10:07

If only I had understood that asking him why he emptied our bank account was me being "controlling"!

If only I had understood that asking him to change a nappy was being horribly abusive, so of course he had to shout and call me names!

If only I had realized that offering to make him a cup of coffee without having a shower first was hideously disgusting!

Why....I could still be in that delightful relationship!

Isn't it great to finally be able to laugh at it?

autumnlight · 28/01/2010 10:54

BDSM - unfortunately, no, I am not out of my marriage yet. DV decreased radically a few years ago when social services got involved because of it. But, as I am sure others know, that once you have spent years being afraid of your own husband, you never feel safe with him again, and you always know what he is capable of - and I will not forgive him and he has never said sorry or even acknowledged it. He denies he ever did anything horrendous to me as there were for years absolutely no consequences for him to behave like that. And he, as a narcissist, actually believes his own version of the truth about himself etc. (You also end up losing all respect for them). In my case, after years of me never reporting any incident, finally an outside agency (SS) got involved and as my H always looks after his own welfare in life and wouldn't want to get himself in trouble. However, he still is, and always has been a bully who is a narcissist (and an alcoholic), and is a kind, sweet man to the outside world, but not in the home, and, typically, people who never believe what he has been capable of in the past. I am in counselling and fortunately/unfortunately had to learn alot about personality disorders through all my experiences with him, as it has nearly made me lose my sanity. Nowadays, without the physical abuse, the psychological/emotional abuse still continues as that is his personality and he will never change.

I hope to be out of this sham marriage (which it is with a narcissist) too and am lifted by reading posts like this go give me hope.

autumnlight · 28/01/2010 10:57

fpm - forgot to add. Well done to you!!!!!

Itsallmyfaultreally · 28/01/2010 11:03

If only I hadn't asked you take your dc to the park that day so I could get the housework done in peace or god forbid actually have half an hour to myself then you wouldn't have had to call me a "lazy bitch" and then threaten to "slit my throat".

If only I had just washed the sofa covers without complaining everytime you urinated on them or split beer all over them during your nightly drinking sessions.

Why did I complain when I came back from a weekend away and the tv and wii had been pawned for you to bet a "sure thing" bet on. It lost but it could have come in!

Why did I mind that you had an affair when I was 9 months pregnant, after all I wasn't really putting out was I?

Why did I complain every time I find messages, or prostitute cards in your pocket, again it wasn't like I was putting out at home was it.

I know how ungrateful I am for complaining when you were falling down drunk every single day of a family holiday in Spain, you need to relax I should have realised that before picking a fight with you on the last day and getting punched in the ear and the back of the head in front of my child and numerous on lookers. It only took 6 weeks for my ear not to be purple anymore.

Why wasn't I able to get over all that stuff after all it happened years ago didn't it and you have been much better in the past year. Why did I have to end it now just when things were getting better.

Itsallmyfaultreally · 28/01/2010 11:06

Oh yes, the biggest problem of all was me discovering Mumsnet and using the support from there to realise how horrific my marriage with you was. They are the cause of ALL of our problems aren't they?

autumnlight · 28/01/2010 11:10

If only I hadn't minded being called a 'fat, old, ugly, slag'.

If only I didn't mind being told pompously that "He has not wished to 'associate' with me in life".

If only I hadn't minded nearly being strangled, kicked with heavy shoes repeatedly after been pushed to the ground, punched in the face so I couldn't pick up the children from school for a month etc.etc etc.............

If only ............

RoyaltyIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/01/2010 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

autumnlight · 28/01/2010 11:36

If only I hadn't minded that when I came home from hospital having nearly died having our youngest child, it would have been silly of me to need any help with the children after having a caesarian and an emergency hysterectomy.

And if only I had realised that the only thing you said about me coming home, after spending nine weeks in hospital, was - "It's good that you are back washing up in the kitchen. I was getting so annoyed having your mum around (to help him with the kids!!!!!).

Flower3554 · 28/01/2010 11:46

As a woman married to a man who in 35 years has never given me the slightest cause to be afraid of him, can I just say how very sad this thread has made me.

That something I have taken for granted is, for some, just a dream.

Well done to those who have escaped, and good luck to those still trying, my heart goes out to you all

Original poster

feelingpositivemum · 28/01/2010 11:48

Ah, this is heartbreaking.

Digitalis, I think he does have a PD, he is a narcissist and has no insight into any of this, he says all marriages have their bad times and all couples argue!

Autumnlight, living with a narcissist does make you question your sanity as even the most simple conversations leave you shaking your head with confusion. I'm glad this gives you hope, I can't tell you how uplifting it is not to be so confused and guilty all the time. Please keep reminding yourself you are sane and normal!

The posts are so sad, it's awful to read.

And if only we could be their mother really, isn't it. That's what they want.

OP posts:

HappyWoman · 28/01/2010 12:01

If only I had been brave enough to act on the signs i so clearly saw in my MIL marriage .
If only she could have given me a few more clues and given me permission to 'interfere' with her relationship. We would have kept you safe - but you knew he would never leave you alone.

But you kept that evil man away from my children - so for that i thank you. You will never see your gandchildren again (may you forever rest in peace). He is out of our lives forever now.

It is hard for outsiders too - please ask for help.

BelleDameSansMerci · 28/01/2010 12:04

My mum could have written these posts.

Autumnlight I wish there was some way that I could help you. My heart truly goes out to you. I've watched this from a child's perspective and I do know how very, very hard it is to get away and the fear that, if you do, you and your children will be always looking over your shoulders.

feelingpositive thank God you're out. Thank God.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2010 12:43

this is a very difficult thread to read

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