Ahh, that's why.....

[feelingpositivemum]

If only I had understood his sense of humour - when he was shouting at me until I was weeping he was only joking and I just misunderstood him.

If only I had understood why he was so tight that we couldn't buy conditioner, only take two towels swimming between 6 of us( would waste washing powder to wash them afterwards). Never mind we could all catch pneumonia.
It was because he has no parents and is on his own.

If only I had understood that he is just a little boy desperate for his mothers love, that's why he was so horrible to me, he was terrified I would betray him like she did.

If only I could have told him off and asked him to stop when he was horrible, then he would of stopped (?) and we could have saved the relationship.

If only I could have shown sympathy when he cried after he had been horrible.

If only I could appreciate how lucky I was that he wasn't unfaithful whilst we were together, never mind it took him 2 weeks after I left to replace me.

If only I could have had sex with him 'not less than twice a week' then it would have been great.

Oh dear, it was all my fault. If only I had realised...!!!

Sorry, a tad bitter and twisted, just makes me laugh really how I got it so horribly wrong! And how pleased I am to be out!

i'm five years on from leaving the ex.

he has got worse since our split,and has had numerous suicide attempts,beaten up 3 girlfriends...all od whom i warned off first,but they were all very nice women,just couldnt believe how nice he came across. but they found out it was an act.

my ex had started to be violent to the dc...my then 9 year old dd had to dial 999 and ask for help when he was trying to gain entry to the house. that was a huge wake up call for me.

thank god for army welfare and ssafa who got us out and relocated us at their expense.

thank god for the royal british legion too,as they are a big support to us

I bet it IS due to them having crap childhoods but this does NOT make it ok for them to treat people in such terrible ways as you've all described! They still MUST have known what they were doing was wrong unless they were severely mentally ill.

Yes indeed AnyFucker

yes. my ex has seen a psychiatrist as he wants contact with dc,judge ordered this as ex is so violent and mentally unstable.

the psychiatrist report threw up alot of stuff. i was in shock when i read of his plans to kill me....he's confessed to psychiatrist in detail. it also revealed he had a hatred for women,which stemmed from his relationship with his mother who he claimed was abusive.

he was told he didnt and never had,had depression,but has a personality disorder and is now classed through mappa to be a high risk to women

I agree OSAHM, but I honestly think he justifies it through his childhood.

As I was moving out, he sat at the kitchen table crying saying if only I had understood where the behaviour was coming from, if only I could understand why he was like he was.

I could completely understand where it was coming from, just didn't want to live it anymore!

All I can say is OH MY GOD.

My neighbour's son in law has just killed himself . I've heard differing versions - the one from them is that she left him because he was abusive, but someone close to him has told DH that he was destoyed because she left him for another man. It's so very sad for their children, but at least he didn't take them with him I suppose.

My sister still finds it difficult to critisise her violent and abusive ex-husband, 7 years after he buggered off with a nearly 70 year old woman, he's now apparently spent all her money and is looking for a new victim.

FPM, Yes, as you say, you can understand his reasons and understand that he needs help, but what he didn't see was that his DW is NOT the person who can/should do this. Someone with problems as bad as him needs professional help from someone who is not involved with him emotionally.

I feel sorry for him from what you've written, but I feel sorry for you as well, and more sorry for you than him. Just because you feel sorry for someone doesn't mean you have to let them do awful things to you. You have probably done the most you can to help him by leaving him (even though you had to do this for yourself anyway) because this will help to teach him that he can not treat people like that and he needs to look at his behaviour and do something about it. When he does this he might help himself to feel better about his past or go and get some help from a professional.

I totally agree, I had to get out as the children were watching all of this and I didn't want them growing up thinking all I did was weep and that was how you speak to people.

I also feel sorry for him but ultimately I couldn't take the anger and hatred anymore. He used to look at me with such hate that I knew was for his mother really.

He has started going to counselling, but my worry is I'm not sure how much insight he actually has, and how then he will ask for the right sort of help.

Although, to be honest, it's for him to own now, thankfully.

You all have a lot of courage. Autumn I hope you find the strength to get out.
My DH's mother was always and ever shall be an alcoholic. He had nothing as she spent all the cash on drink. His dad left when he was seven and lost contact.
He ended up looking to the wrong adult figure for guidance and friendship as a young teen and being horribly abused.
Yet he is as kind and strong a man as you could meet. childhood trauma is a reason for some but never an excuse.

There are probably as many reasons for such terrible behaviour as there are ways it can show itself. But unless someone really wants to change they will always justify it to themselves by the childhood/experiences they had.

When my h had his affair he did a lot of soul searching - it was easy to 'blame' his childhood to some extent. But as it is impossible to go back and change history all he could do is accept that he did some awful things and learn from it and hopefully repeat his 'mistakes'.

I do also think many woman like to 'mother' their OH - that was certainly the case with my MIL - to the point where her h was jelaous of my h and poisoned her against him and our family.

Yes indeed nannynobnobs. My grandfather was abused in childhood and grew up to be a horribly abusive, vile, nasty bastard. My dad (his son) endured this excuse for a father figure all his life, and yet is a kind, loving man who always parented us with compassion and intelligence. There's always a choice to be made.

This thread is very hard reading indeed for someone who, like Flower, has had the luxury of taking her domestic safety for granted Strikes me that it would make a powerful approach for an anti-DV campaign...

If only I hadn't fallen out of love with him, it was so obviously my fault that he got angry and threatened to kill me.
If only I'd been the wife he wanted me to be, he would have stopped straight away.

Always remember ladies, you cannot polish a turd!

Haha, I love that Fab!

Oh Fab, you just made me lol in a very sad thread