Feel my relationship with DH is falling apart - what can I do?

[ChangingLandscape]

Reposted from AIBU - really didn't mean to post there.

Am regular, have name changed as I know a couple of people in RL and don't really want them to know this sort of stuff.

Bit of background...

DH and I have been together for about 8 yrs, married for 6, have a 2 yo DD with another on the way (am 35 weeks pg, so quite far gone!). I'm a SAHM, DH was made redundant from v stressful, highly paid job about a year ago...has tried to find work since, not been successful and now has decided to start up his own business, which I fully support him in. I am absolutely sure it is the right thing for him to do, and have every faith that he will make a real success of it. We're still pretty financially secure - have a small mortgage on our own house and a mortgage free flat which we rent out, plus some other income. This has mainly been achieved through fairly substantial legacies from my side of the family and DH's very hard work in the past. I realise we're very lucky in this, and really hope the thread does not kick off because I have mentioned these circumstances!

Thee problem I have is that I am becoming increasingly pissed of with DH doing so little to help, especially when I am at such a late stage of my pregnancy. The only things he does with DD is to give her a bath and occasionally give her breakfast - apart from that, nada. He has been in bed since Saturday night, complaining of a headache, but refusing to see a doctor. So I have even had to do bathtime for the last few nights.

He will also not really help around the house - occasionally empty or fill the dishwasher, occasionally put the washing away, but bugger all else. He is very good at complaining that the house isn't cleaned to his exacting standards though - making comments about cobwebs, or if something is a little bit messy. Now, our house is pretty fucking immaculate most of the time. BUT, I am heavily pregnant and have a very active toddler to keep entertained. Oh, he got rid of our previous cleaner (who I paid for) because she wasn't doing a good enough job!

Bearing in mind he hasn't worked for the best part of a year, this is pretty piss poor, no? He refuses to put DD to bed (I am the only person to have ever done so), and this is a big concern with DC2 on the way. He has never seen to her when she has woken during the night. He's obviously going to start getting very busy with his new business and I am now thinking, shit, he's going to be even more crap and wtf am I going to do with no help from him, no family locally?

I know some of this is my hormones, but it is pretty rubbish. I am also feeling pretty shit off from him - he rarely displays signs of affection towards me and will never kiss or cuddle me. We probably have sex about once a week, but it's not that great tbh (used to be fantastic).

I am now blubbing away, which I hate as DD wonders what the heck is up with me.

Sorry this is so long, thank you if you have managed to make sense of my ramblings.

Knew the op was too bloody long & boring.

DH just came downstairs from his den and put his coat & shoes on. I asked (nicely) where he was off to, he replied, 'to do the bins', went out, came back in & has buggered off upstairs again without a word.

I do not know what the fuck I have done wrong??? He has barely said 2 words to me since Sat morning. He then went off to watch football (season ticket holder for a club some 3-4 hours away from home), got back at about 10pm & that's been it - deadly silence since.

I know if I were to say anything to him he'd just rant at me saying he is allowed to be ill, like I forbid it (which I really don't -- I am usually too quite laid back & relaxed) Where I know for a fact that if he had something on, that was compelling to him, he'd do it - regardless of how he felt. So work commitments, helping a friend out, football, whatever.

Someone, please help give me some perspective.

He's a lazy git.

My dh does more than that and he works full time.

Thanks Skidoodle - he is, isn't he? He shuts himself off in his room from first thing til 6.30 - 7pm, every day. God alone knows what he's up to up there (am not the snooping type, so have never looked at his browser history or anything). Says he's researching the business, or prior to making the decision to go self-employed, would say he's researching jobs/interviews, etc.

More than that though, it's the lack of affection I am finding really difficult. And the monosyllabic responses I get when I try to start a conversation with him. It's just no life really, and makes me feel so empty. I hurt all over at the moment - I would just love a hug or a back rub and to be told that he loves me. Luckily DD is very good at cuddles, so I'm not totally bereft of affection.

hi changing, things must be really tough for you, but you really do need to get him to talk. Affection from your DD is one thing, but you need it from your DH as well.

Could he be stressed about the new job and suppporting you all once the new baby arrives? Or could there be something else that he hasn't wanted to tell you for fear of worrying you?

It doesn't sound like much of a life, and pregnancy hormones aside, you don't sound happy. I would tell him straight that you aren't happy with the current situation, you need more support with him, and could the two of you work out a plan to try and make sure you get it? Reinstating a cleaner sounds like a top priority too - my DH worked away while I was pregnant with dc2 and a cleaner was invaluable to me during that time.

I'm sorry to say this but I think I would probably be a little suspicious of what he is doing all day on the computer (don't know why, but I'm wondering about online gambling sites or something) How would he react if you asked to use that pc for some reason? Would he try and stop you? How does he behave with his mobile too, out of interest?

Chippy, thanks for your post. Yes, I'm beginning to wonder what he's up to. It's quite hard to find an excuse to use his computer as I have my own laptop which I keep downstairs. I really have no reason to go into 'his' room at all - I don't even clean in there. His mobile, I don't have a clue how to use and he knows this. So he doesn't hide it from me, but he keeps it on silent the whole time.

I really am not happy at the moment, you're quite right. I just feel empty and very sad. I am wondering if something happened when he was away on Satuday. It was just odd him not talking to me at all when he got back - not even when I asked him about the match (which his team won).

Every day is the same - he gets up, gets his breakfast & takes it up to his room. He comes down a few hours later, and takes his lunch up to his room. He next comes down in the evening, has supper with us if we're eating with DD, then goes off to run DD's bath before either DD or I have even finished our meal. He doesn't even thank me for his dinner (I was always brought up to never leave the table before everyone had finished and to thank the cook!). It's pretty crap really, isn't it? Sounds like I am living with a teenager, not a man in his 40s.

Does he know exactly how you are feeling? What would happen if you showed him this thread? I feel for you, life feels unbearable when things are crap with dh and you need the help. You need to get some dialogue going with him and sooner rather than later so you can both enjoy your new baby and you can focus your energies on that.

you need to put an end to this,now. if he was ill he's be using medication,even just paracetamol. is he?

you mention 'his' room. is it separate bedrooms?

I don't think he does know how I am feeling, no. It's just when I try & talk to him, it's like speaking to a brick wall. I really do just get one word answers back.

'His' room is actually a spare bedroom that doubles up as his office. It's pretty much always been his space though. Last night he came down to our bedroom after he heard that I'd put DD to bed. By the time I'd got upstairs he was pretending to be asleep He's said to me he just needs to sleep. Think he's taken a couple of solpadeine (sp?) over the last few days, don't know about anything else.

Thanks for your replies - they mean alot I feel terribly alone right now - I have some good friends, but just don't want to go into this with them.

I think you need to make it clear to him what you want him to do, and what you think is reasonable.

I suppose he may have got used to earning the money and so thinks that he still should fulfil the 'provider' role - even if he is not actually providing iyswim. Some men become very defensive when out of work and have to try even harder to appear strong and resilient. I imagine his silence is worry, rather than lack of feeling towards you.

HOWEVER - he does need to get his finger out. You need to sit with him and tell him what you want him to do. My DH has not worked for 3 months and, although he spends the working day (mostly) applying for jobs, interviews etc our day tends to go like this

• he gets up and gives DSs breakfast while I have a shower
• I get DS2 dressed and he helps DS1 get ready
• I do nursery run while DH has shower.
• DH finishes in his office at about 4:30 / 5ish and comes down and cooks dinner which we all eat together
• we both do bath and stories together (take a DS each to get dressed).

Now - he's no saint. Still refuses to get up during the night and is a bugger for pointing out the cobwebs but I think we both feel this is a reasonable division of labour while he is not working.

As for taking to his bed because he's ill - I would put that down to childish denial about the impending birth!

I hope you work it out and you get the support you need.

It sounds a really lonely partnership if he's up in his room (study?) all day. I think the key to this is what he's doing. Take him a cup of tea when he's in there, and see how he reacts. Find some reason to go in, some reason to use his pc.

Do you think he could have been somewhere else when he was supposed to have been at the football?

Some of this behaviour is ringing bells with me. My H worked endlessly, and used work to cover for all sorts of things he didn't want to do. I remember once initiating a conversation about a hobby I'd taken up, and he replied "I don't care." I know how this feels and it's horrible. I imagine you're so used to it, it feels normal to you, but you need to sit him down and ask him what's going on (and then be prepared that if he doesn't give you a satisfactory answer you're going to need to do some digging.)

Keep posting, have you got some good RL support?

I do need to sit down with him to talk about it - will try and do it tomorrow night. Have family coming for lunch tomorrow, am really hoping any tensions between DH and me are not obvious.

I wonder about football. I would be really surprised if he didn't go to the actual game, as he is football mad But he does have a (female) friend who is a season ticket holder for the same club and occasionally gets a lift up with her - she lives about 45 mins closer to his team, so he goes to her house, leaves his car there and they travel up together. She apparently also picks a nephew up on the way too. This has never really concerned me, but perhaps it should? I don't know her terribly well, but the first time I met her I remember thinking things seemed a little awkward between them - like they didn't know how to greet each other with me being there. Does that make sense?

I have no idea whether or not he saw her on Saturday though. I assume he drove up by himself as he didn't say otherwise.

God, should I snoop? I really don't like to - it goes against everything I believe a relationship should be built on - mutual trust, respect, etc.

What happened with your DH chippy, if you don't mind me asking?

Was hoping you wouldn't ask that, not because I mind telling you, more that I really don't want to alarm you - your situation is, I hope, very different from mine! My husband turned out to be involved with someone else, but prior to that his behaviour was so odd and he started to totally disengage with me and the dc's - it was baffling to me at the time.

I had an instinct about the other person H was involved with, very early on. She had been a friend of his for many years. He saw her without me being there as she lived near his work.

I didn't snoop for the same reasons as you mention, the truth came to me eventually. But - there is usually an explanation for odd behaviour like this, and unless it's depression, addiction or such like, the involvement of another person is top of the list for causing unexplained behavioural changes.

I really don't think this is necessarily an affair, btw. There is definitely something to get to the bottom of though, and you need to be savvy. Do you have access to bank statements? They might help you track what he's been up to a bit..

If you re-read your posts OP, an affair is what you think too, isn't it? I zoned in on one key fact in your posts - his phone is on silent. Learn how to use that phone (and his PC) as quick as you can and I suspect all will be revealed. So sorry this is going on for you - and sorry if this is something you don't want to hear, but I hate people to be in the dark, wondering why their H is behaving like an arsehole. Nothing - honestly, nothing - changes a person's behaviour as much as another love interest.

Sorry to hear how things turned out for you. Yes, disengage is a very good word for how DH is behaving at the moment.

All his bank statements are online, so no chance of seeing those. We actually do share a mobile phone account though, so I could have a look at any recurring numbers appearing on the statement, and see if there's a pattern there.

I think DH could be nervous about starting his new venture and what sort of income it's going to generate - it is a huge step of course. He knows he has my full support though, and also knows that I am more than willing to go back to work when DC2 is a few months old (used to have a pretty good career myself) if things become tight.

Perhaps he's a bit depressed about his work situation too - he's always been a very sought after, highly paid (and highly motivated) person. It must hit hard to find it so difficult to find something suitable.

Thanks again for your posts.

Has he always been like this really but it didn't show because he was at work, or has he changed?

WhenwillIfeelnormal, x/posted with you. There is a teeny, tiny seed there that he may be having an affair, yes. Being 35 weeks pregnant and thinking too deeply about that is a bit bloody scary though

I will have a look at the online phone bills and see if I can uncover anything from those.

Check the mobile account, but be aware he may well have another mobile you don't know about.

He may well be a bit depressed, but if you're in any way suspicious there's more to it, you need to start protecting yourself. Don't bury your head in the sand about finances, find out exactly what you've got and where it is. I can't stress enough how important this is to do now, even if you feel this is only temporary and your relationship is solid. All of us need to know where we stand financially. If you don't have your own credit card, get one now so you start to build your own credit rating (voice of experience..).

You sound very like me 12 months ago! Please try and talk to a friend about this, nobody will judge you and it helped me immeasurably, before I knew what was going on.

I know it's frightening love, really I do, especially when you are at your most vulnerable. "Disengaging" is what people do, either when they are trying to create a gap for an affair to happen (so they have justification) but the really serious disengagement occurs once the affair is in full flight. Hiding away from the family, avoiding physical contact and phone on silent are three enormous red flags. Sorry.

Changing, I totally see why it's too much to think about right now. If you don't want to delve I'd understand why. Even if worse case it were an affair it might be possible to work through it anyway and save your marriage.

Just take steps to protect yourself at the moment - you aren't happy, you have seeds of suspicion and a very withdrawn husband. Could you suggest he goes to his GP, just in case depression is a factor here? If he has had a headache for this long, it needs investigating..

so sorry, OP, there are red flags galore here

wwwifn and chippy are giving you very good advice, I second all of it

he sounds like a very grumpy lodger in your home

very, very unfair of him to disengage from family life to this extent

tbh, he might as well leave if he is so disassociated from you

please take some practical and financial advice, I have a horrible feeling the rug is about to get pulled out from beneath you very soon

I hope I am wrong and sorry to scare you

so sorry x

< quick hijack...chippy have remembered who you are, it was this thread that twigged it, but don't worry, was not glaringly obvious IYSWIM and I am cheered to see you so together and articulate >

I know who you are too Chippy and think it's brilliant how you take so much time to advise others - and with such warmth and concern.

err, you too wwifn !

Am loving the love-in here Just to complete it, in the nicest possible way I was sort of dreading seeing you on here AF as imo you always give excellent advice on these threads, and seeing what you have to say scares me. But I guess that's good really? I wouldn't have posted if I hadn't prepared myself for some pretty straight-talking stuff.

I am trying to get into my mobile account (I'm the account holder), but am having technical problems, have sent email to the provider so hopefully can do that tomorrow.

Don't think he's gone into our room Haven't heard any movement at all since before I put DD to bed at around 8pm.

CL, if you have seen these kind of threads before...then I guess you know the script, right ?

it often comes out that suspicions were founded on truth but in many cases it may not

I guess you have to decide whether you can continue to live like this, whether to wait it out and see what happens (torture, IME, but works for some people) or whether you want to take control of the situation

also, what will you do with any information that you might find ?

< draws CL into mutual love-festing >