Feel my relationship with DH is falling apart - what can I do?

[ChangingLandscape]

Reposted from AIBU - really didn't mean to post there.

Am regular, have name changed as I know a couple of people in RL and don't really want them to know this sort of stuff.

Bit of background...

DH and I have been together for about 8 yrs, married for 6, have a 2 yo DD with another on the way (am 35 weeks pg, so quite far gone!). I'm a SAHM, DH was made redundant from v stressful, highly paid job about a year ago...has tried to find work since, not been successful and now has decided to start up his own business, which I fully support him in. I am absolutely sure it is the right thing for him to do, and have every faith that he will make a real success of it. We're still pretty financially secure - have a small mortgage on our own house and a mortgage free flat which we rent out, plus some other income. This has mainly been achieved through fairly substantial legacies from my side of the family and DH's very hard work in the past. I realise we're very lucky in this, and really hope the thread does not kick off because I have mentioned these circumstances!

Thee problem I have is that I am becoming increasingly pissed of with DH doing so little to help, especially when I am at such a late stage of my pregnancy. The only things he does with DD is to give her a bath and occasionally give her breakfast - apart from that, nada. He has been in bed since Saturday night, complaining of a headache, but refusing to see a doctor. So I have even had to do bathtime for the last few nights.

He will also not really help around the house - occasionally empty or fill the dishwasher, occasionally put the washing away, but bugger all else. He is very good at complaining that the house isn't cleaned to his exacting standards though - making comments about cobwebs, or if something is a little bit messy. Now, our house is pretty fucking immaculate most of the time. BUT, I am heavily pregnant and have a very active toddler to keep entertained. Oh, he got rid of our previous cleaner (who I paid for) because she wasn't doing a good enough job!

Bearing in mind he hasn't worked for the best part of a year, this is pretty piss poor, no? He refuses to put DD to bed (I am the only person to have ever done so), and this is a big concern with DC2 on the way. He has never seen to her when she has woken during the night. He's obviously going to start getting very busy with his new business and I am now thinking, shit, he's going to be even more crap and wtf am I going to do with no help from him, no family locally?

I know some of this is my hormones, but it is pretty rubbish. I am also feeling pretty shit off from him - he rarely displays signs of affection towards me and will never kiss or cuddle me. We probably have sex about once a week, but it's not that great tbh (used to be fantastic).

I am now blubbing away, which I hate as DD wonders what the heck is up with me.

Sorry this is so long, thank you if you have managed to make sense of my ramblings.

Ooh, I'd gone to bed and missed the love in!

Thanks AF and wwifn, am happy to be recognised by you both! I'm actually quite at the number of similar threads on MN at the moment, what's going on?!

CL, I truly hope we are all wrong and there is some simple, rational explanation for all this which can be easily sorted. One thing that stayed in my mind from a poster on one of my threads (Xenia I think!) was that when your relationship quantum of solace reaches zero it's time to go - meaning that if you aren't gaining anything from your husband at all - emotional or physical affection, emotional support, conversation and a mutual enjoyment of your family and being together -then what's worth staying together for?

Just a quick update...

DH and I had quite a discussion about his behaviour this morning. He said that he had genuinely been feeling very ill (is now better) and just wanted to be left alone. I explained to him that I am not psychic and it is impossible to know if there is something physically wrong with him if he just decides to shut himself off. Which he understood. He also said how worried he was about being able to provide for us financially going forwards. He admitted that his pride has taken a huge dent, but doesn't think he's been depressed.

He promised me that we are fine - that there are no problems from his point of view (certainly not any serious ones) and that he loves me very much. I realise that certain things do need to change - the amount he helps out, etc., and also this shut down he occasionally has. And I will discuss these with him when DD is in bed (probably not tonight though as am knackered). Gotta get teh sex back on track too - which will be a challenge given my late stage of pregnancy & imminient arrival of a new born!

He is back on usual form today - chatty, optimistic, etc. We had guests for lunch today and instead of disappearing off to his room, he was the perfect host for the whole time they were here (yes, I know - so he should've done!).

So, all fine & rosy? Hopefully so. But I am not stupid & as AF said in an earlier post, I have read enough on here to see how these things often go. I will make sure I do a little bit of digging, and also make sure my financial affairs are all ok (I am lucky - I could survive on my own income/savings if I had to).

Thank you again for all your advice last night - it helped.

glad to hear you sounding a bit more optimistic today, CL

I would really, really want to know why he shuts himself in his room with the pc for hours on end

and this "shutting-down" thing is just a manipukation on his part, I think, so that he doesn't have to talk to you

so you will back off and then be really grateful when he is chatty and optimistic again...

I hope it all fine and rosy, but I also hope you will be firming up in your mind just what exactly you are prepared to tolerate and what you are not

and btw, sex once a week at advanced stage of pg is perfectly adequate

do not force yourself to up your sexual game if you don't feel up to it (his behaviour would surely kill the dirtiest girl's libido...)

to nick a phrase from another thread..."foreplay starts with the breakfast dishes..."

good luck x

Hmmm... Look I am far from an expert in any of this - but to give my twopenceworth anyway...

My gut feeling is that he's feeling a bit low about lack of work and stressed about money or perhaps more to the point the fact he's not earning and hence not feeling very worthwhile. All enhanced by imminent new arrival - which I'm sure is weighing on your mind a bit too.

I know when I've been low in the past I've tended to disengage from the world and particularly anything that reminds me of these pressures and lose myself online or whatever.

I don't necessarily see enormous red flags for an affair coming out of this. And it all has a more depressive energy than a manic new relationship one IYSWIM.

Just my opinion and yes, it's possible he is foolling around and worth you having a good sniff about - to put your own mind at rest as much as anything else - but I'm not sure that is automatically the right assumption here. I just get a different vibe than from some of the other threads...

HOWEVER, I would add that whatever the issue is, he's not pulling his weight around the house and this is something you should try and address. Might be tricky to get him energised and involved if he's feeling low - but activity and family involvement can only help and shake him out of things a bit...

I'm glad things are looking up for you today. Hopefully he will realise how his behaviour has been affecting you and cheer up a bit.

When DH was out of work I often said to him (although I agree it's not that easy) that he should really try and make the most of it. Not by not bothering to get a job but by enjoying the time when he is not working/job hunting. It would be such a shame to look back on such a good spell of time at home with your DD and new baby and to not have enjoyed the time together.

But not that easy for them to see I admit.

People always talk on relationship threads based on their own experience. Whilst sometimes it's very good advice and the wake up call you need, only you can really assess what the situation is and what kind of person your husband is.

I hope things go well for you.

I think your dh has become depressed. If he has gone from whizzy higher powered job with whizzy colleagues, big deals, big stress and high adreneline to staying couped up in a spare room all day, never seeing anyone and "researching" new business opportunities, it is not the difficult to see why he would be.

I am not making excuses for him at all and it would drive me up the bleedin' walls to have dh mooching around hse all day with nothing to show for himself, but depression is really common after sudden life changes and it is a spiral down of doing little then doing less, plus gloomy and irritable.

couldn't you say "i am really worried about you. i think if this goes on much longer you are going to get depressed" and see what he says????

how are you doing OP?

Thanks for everyone's responses, and thank you for checking on me chippy

Things seem to have turned a corner the last couple of days. DH seems much brighter & happier than he has in ages. He's now got his business bank account set up, is VAT registered and is ready to get started with his new business. He has been a huge help to me the last couple of days - cooked dinner last night, cleaned the oven today and generally doing loads more around the house. He has been far more tactile towards me and

I think making the decision to start his own business and getting it all set up has really helped him actually: he is now in charge of his own destiny rather than waiting for people to get back to him, or going for yet another interview for a job his heart's not really in.

I agree with the posters who have said that being out of work for so long, when he is used to being the main earner, hit him hard. Probably harder than I realised. He's a pretty resilient sort of chap and actually, maybe the last couple of knocks he's had were just enough to make him feel defeated.

That, coupled with having a young family and an imminient new arrival, has probably made him feel pretty shit and worthless.

So, I am feeling more loved and supported and DH is appearing far happier than he has in months. I honestly do not believe he has been up to anything with anyone else. I would be digging far more if I thought that to be the case.

I'm really pleased! It's nice to hear some positive news on one of these threads. Keep talking and involving him as much as you can.
Hope things continue like this

Am also really pleased for you.

Enjoy your last few weeks of pregnancy and good luck with the new baby