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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I did it!

66 replies

roxi09 · 26/01/2010 13:19

You might remember I was on FortheBest's thread talking about my abusive relationship.
Well I'm out...it's early days and things are up in the air at the moment. Police are involved and I'm in a safe place but I've done it

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 26/01/2010 22:49

COngratulations and well done. You've done a really brilliant, brave positive thing and now you're on the way up. Yes, there may be wobbles, but remember MN is always here for support. ALl the best.

triffictits · 26/01/2010 23:32

Well done Roxi, that is brilliant news. You have done the hardest step so it can onl get better for you now. New start, new life.

Keep us updated, you could be the inspiration some other ladies on here now.

FTB - see, you can do it and you will as soon as you feel strong enough.

Original poster
roxi09 · 27/01/2010 08:38

I'm starting to get the messages/calls from him now (I'm not replying), and it's hard because I do feel bad for what he is going through.
I can also see why lots of women come this far and then drop charges but I can assure you I'm not going to do that, he needs to be taught that he can't intimidate women like this (although his previous prison spell should have done that).

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 27/01/2010 10:03

Nonono, don't feel bad for what he is 'going though'. It;s HIS FAULT. No one forced him to abuse you, and what is happening to him now serves him right. Even if he did have a horrible childhood blah blah blah, he's an adult, he is not entitled to take it out on anyone else.
DOn't respond to the message, but save them, especially when they turn abusive (because they will, knobbers like this will start with the self pity and promises to change, then it will be HOw Dare You Ignore Me Bitch and worse.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 27/01/2010 11:36

What SGB said. He is entirely responsible for what he has done to you. Try to think about yourself for once, do things you want to do, talk to people you like to talk to. Keep your mind off him, if he is miserable it is because of the horrible things he has done to you and others.

Print off emails if any, and keep in a safe place. He will turn nasty sooner or later (probably sooner as he's not used to having to restrain himself when it comes to abusing you) and you will have evidence against him.

Good luck and stay strong, you sound like a tough cookie at heart

Cicatrice · 27/01/2010 12:55

Well done.

cheerfulvicky · 27/01/2010 13:01

Good for you! Well done roxi

Alambil · 27/01/2010 13:11

He brought this upon himself....

say it over and over and over

Stay strong x

Original poster
roxi09 · 28/01/2010 16:43

Oh my god ladies I am finding this so hard, I can't help but feel bad for everything that is going to happen to him, rational or not.
I can really see how people drop charges and go back, the guilt is crushing.
I'm trying very hard to stay strong, but just want to curl up in a little ball and make it all go away.
He has begged me to go home but there is no way, I don't want to go through this again and doing this to my children once has been bad enough, no way would I want to put them through all this for nothing.
He's on the edge though, I'm really worried he will do something stupid. Hopefully he will start getting the help he needs soon and then things will become easier for me.
I'm dreading tomorrow, because that is when everything will really hit the fan...the arrest and injunction are going through.
What a week, hope things will turn a corner soon

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 28/01/2010 23:13

poor roxie,

Sorry we missed this and hope you are feeling ok.

I saw you on ftb's thread, you've done brilliantly! You KNOW you've done the right thing, but obviously it's going to be tough for a while.

I hope others will be along soon who've been through this - they'll be able to give you a boost.

Do not go back, I'm sure you know that...but anyway please don't!!!!!

Quink · 28/01/2010 23:21

Hang on in there, roxi, please. You have come so far, don't go back! Reread your posts if you need reminders of how awful it has been. This is just another attempt to manipulate you - don't let him win!

coldtits · 28/01/2010 23:23

Don't go back, in a month or so you will see a definate improvement in your children's happiness, and that in itself is enough motivation not to go back - hang on in there.

Snorbs · 28/01/2010 23:34

Roxie, he is simply facing the inevitable consequences of his choices. It's not your fault. His choices are his responsibility.

Go easy on yourself. You've done an amazingly brave thing and something that is so, so positive for you and your children. You are not responsible for him.

StartingToSeeTheLight · 29/01/2010 07:02

Well done Roxi - you are a lot stronger than I was just before Christmas, just couldn't go through with the injunction/arrest. Felt sorry for him and as a result I'm having to deal with social services who feel that I did not protect my LOs. Please be stronger than I was.

Original poster
roxi09 · 29/01/2010 07:28

My stomach is churning this morning about what's going to happen. I've been thinking about cancelling the injunction too.
He rang last night saying he was about to end it all, begging me to come back.
I had to get the police round there to check on him, I was hoping they would get him commited because he has lost the plot completely.
So scared today will send him over the edge, but I can't not go through with the arrest.
Really really hoping he doesn't do what he is threatening.
God this is so hard, not sure I can cope with much more

OP posts:
ILoveGregoryHouse · 29/01/2010 07:57

Roxi, this is not your fault. I can only repeat what others have said. This is the consequence of what he has done. You are saving yourself, your children and, possibly, any other woman who he may have ended up with. He needs help. This is how he'll get it.

Do not cancel anything. You are strong and brave and will do this.

Snorbs · 29/01/2010 08:25

You did the right thing in getting the police to check on him. Don't give in to the emotional terrorism of "I'll kill myself if you don't get back with me". You're doing so well!

ItsGraceAgain · 29/01/2010 08:46

Bless you, Roxi, he's spent all that time training you to feel responsible for him - when he's tired, it's your fault; when he's hungry, it's your fault; when he snarls, it's your fault; when he hits you, it's your fault ... it's not surprising you feel responsible for the way he feels now. He's trained you this way - tamed you with threats & violence. Remember, that method of taming isn't even legal with circus animals!
He has treated you worse than a performing animal.

Now he's being called to take responsibility for his own actions, and of course he's worried. He's not used to taking responsibility. He's used to making you do it. Naturally, you almost feel you should. It's the training.

You broke free, Roxi, like a hurt creature escaping from the circus. He can take it, you know - and he should! It's time he knew. Stay free

Good luck, do it for yourself and your kids.
xxx

daisydotandgertie · 29/01/2010 08:57

Don't buckle. Re-read some of your other threads. Keep your resolve. It's amazing.

Don't let him manipulate you into doing what he wants again. The begging and pleading, the tears and threats of dreadful self harm are so manipulative.

Continue to be as strong as you've been so far. Because you really don't want to go back to the life you had with him. You've said how much you hated it.

If you have to keep your strength for just 2 minutes at a time, do it. He is not a man it's worth fighting to keep.

Curiousmama · 29/01/2010 09:00
Smile
NicknameTaken · 29/01/2010 10:28

ItsGraceAgain makes an excellent point - you've been trained to feel this guilt and responsibility. You've done so well to break through the conditioning and save your dcs from this situation.

He's a grown man. He shouldn't have done the crime if he can't do the time.

StartingToSeeTheLight · 29/01/2010 13:14

when my x attempted suicide twice after I left him (in front of LOs), I felt exactly the same as you. But as I was constantly told my df's (some mutual) "we are all responsible for our own actions". This kept me strong and taught me not bend down to his blackmail/intimidations, even though he was taken to hospital.

Earlybird · 29/01/2010 13:21

I don't know your story, but well done for finding the strength to begin a new/better life for yourself and your dc.

Regarding your ex: how is it serving you to keep in regular contact with him atm? Would it not be better for you and your future to block his number so that you don't receive the calls and texts?

Remember that this huge mess is his - it must be fantastically difficult for him, but that is not your problem. You (undoubtedly) gave him every chance to stop/change and he didn't.

I'd cut off all contact for a period of time. You must think about yourself and the dc now. Not him.

mumonthenet · 29/01/2010 14:17

itsgrace your words are so wise, as usual.

ItsGraceAgain · 29/01/2010 14:40

Thanks. Isn't it painful to read posts from others who are/were in a similar situation? I hope you can take strength from the ones who got away, Roxi. Notice that nobody's said they wish they hadn't got away from their oppressor!

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