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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I morally obliged to tell my father?

31 replies

weehector · 25/01/2010 18:58

My mum died when I was 11, my dad remarried her nurse (let's not even go into that..)who was physically & mentally abusive towards my sister & I and from the age of 14, I was brought up by my aunt & uncle - who were wonderful parents to us.

Contact with my father was re-established when I was about 20 when my step-mother died and I ended up spending a year looking after my 5 yr old step-sister while he romanced his new & current partner. To cut a very long story short, my father has never behaved like a father towards us and after counselling and the death of my grandparents, I've finally managed to put some distance between us over the last couple of years...if anything, my feelings towards him have hardened since my beloved uncle died last year.

The question is...I'm having my 13 week scan this week, my sister is still in touch with him and there are mutal acquaintances who are likely to know my baby news soon and mention it to him...should I pick up the phone after only 1 conversation in three years (and only then because my sister was very ill) and tell him my news straight from the horse's mouth? Am I morally obliged?

OP posts:
coldtits · 25/01/2010 19:00

no

skidoodle · 25/01/2010 19:00

You're certainly not morally obliged.

It sounds like he failed in all his moral obligations towards you

LadyintheRadiator · 25/01/2010 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 25/01/2010 19:01

no you are not - what an appalling man he sounds

FromGirders · 25/01/2010 19:01

I wouldn't say so. He'll hear from others, no need to put yourself through stress.

warthog · 25/01/2010 19:02

no you are not morally obliged at all. he was morally obliged to make sure you were safe and well-cared for, which he didn't do. i don't think you owe him anything.

posieparker · 25/01/2010 19:02

No. Is this your first baby? You may want to talk to someone about becoming a motherless mother and the issues about your father. Becoming a parent is hard enough but doing so with unresolved issues about your own parents can be truly harrowing...

JaynieB · 25/01/2010 19:03

No, I don't think you are.
Are you feeling as if you ought to, or even want to perhaps? If you don't want to speak to him but would rather control the situation so that he gets the info from you, how about a short letter?

mrsboogie · 25/01/2010 19:04

no way!!!!

tartyhighheels · 25/01/2010 19:06

no

cakeywakey · 25/01/2010 19:06

If you don't want to contact him, don't.

Congratulations on the baby

heQet · 25/01/2010 19:10

No. You don't owe him anything. Nobody is obliged to have someone in their life if that person doesn't deserve to be there.

EdgarAllenSnow · 25/01/2010 19:13

no.

congratulations

HerHonesty · 25/01/2010 19:15

in short, no. in long, the fact that you are even thinking about it suggests that you will perhaps feel guilty if you dont. if thats the case just phone him and tell him so that the guilt doesnt eat away. dont let him take over your headspace anymore than it needs to.

congrats!

EssenceOfJack · 25/01/2010 19:20

First, congratulations!
Second, no, you are not.

I didn't with either of my DD's and as a result neither of them have ever met my father, which is just how I like it

KimiLivesInStarbucks · 25/01/2010 19:25

Don't tell him, you own him nothing

sugartits · 25/01/2010 19:35

No, I hadn't spoken to my father for four years prior to my dd being born. I didn't tell him, but my brother did (with my ok). A part of me wanted him to get in touch and be thrilled etc but that was silly because he never was very nice so the fact that he didn't helped me come to terms with the fact that he was gone.

kinnies · 25/01/2010 19:44

No you dont have to tell him.

Please dont dwell on him and the relationship you should have had. Enjoy your fab news and the people around that care about you.
Congrats!!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 25/01/2010 19:48

No, fuck him.

CelticStarlight · 26/01/2010 01:54

No! He sounds like a prick and you owe him nothing.

Tortington · 26/01/2010 01:56

screw him

Mongolia · 26/01/2010 01:58

You are not morally obliged, only do it if you feel like it.

KristinaM · 26/01/2010 02:01

no

posieparker has very good advice, please listen to her

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/01/2010 07:20

You have no obligation whatsoever to your toxic parent of a Dad. He failed you utterly in many ways.

Rhuidean · 26/01/2010 13:16

I havent told my father, I dont have to and I chose not to. Its fine. Also agree with Posie. My mother is also dead and having your own child makes you looks at things with a new perspective, about both parents really. Have some suppost and back up now and ready for after the baby is born! O and Congratulations!

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