Am I morally obliged to tell my father?

[weehector]

My mum died when I was 11, my dad remarried her nurse (let's not even go into that..)who was physically & mentally abusive towards my sister & I and from the age of 14, I was brought up by my aunt & uncle - who were wonderful parents to us.

Contact with my father was re-established when I was about 20 when my step-mother died and I ended up spending a year looking after my 5 yr old step-sister while he romanced his new & current partner. To cut a very long story short, my father has never behaved like a father towards us and after counselling and the death of my grandparents, I've finally managed to put some distance between us over the last couple of years...if anything, my feelings towards him have hardened since my beloved uncle died last year.

The question is...I'm having my 13 week scan this week, my sister is still in touch with him and there are mutal acquaintances who are likely to know my baby news soon and mention it to him...should I pick up the phone after only 1 conversation in three years (and only then because my sister was very ill) and tell him my news straight from the horse's mouth? Am I morally obliged?

Thanks ladies. The decision is NOT to tell him directly - if I do he'll just try & set up a meeting which I don't want (and will get anxious over). BUT I am not going to hold back on telling my friends just so it doesn't get back...the worst that can happen is he phones and is angry (he got pissed off when I put my aunt/uncle first at my wedding) > I put the phone down if he upsets me or he turns up on my doorstep > I can put him out the house if he is anything other than congratulatory.

Re Posie's comments - I have thought long and hard about what having children may stir up emotionally, its probably why I've left it until I am 36 and its no coincidence that my feelings towards my dad resolved to their current position around the time my sister had her first child and I became unconditionally attached to her wee girl. Other than the dad situation (which will be fine once this issue of etiquette passes - I'm adamant I'm not going to let him back into my life), I'm in a really good place....I have an amazing husband (& set of inlaws - I feel so sad when I read some of the other posts in this area..) & thanks to my wonderful aunt, I've never felt the loss of my mother - she's a brilliant granny & support to my sister.

So decision made - fingers crossed for Thursday's scan.

Congratulations and good luck on Thursday!

You sound very sorted - the only coda I would add is to echo previous posts to say that if you want to get your head any straighter over any unresolved issues it might be worth going to some kind of counselling before the baby arrives.

Congratulations and no.

I have a similar (though perhaps not quite so bad) father. When I sent him a card telling him about my impending adoption of DS he completely ignored it. How much that hurt made me realise that I was (foolishly) thinking that the news would miraculously turn him into someone with a degree of emotional intelligence and prompt a reconciliation only to be disappointed (again).

Congrats with your baby.

I think you have to remember that while he may be your father, he is not your DAD, your uncle was your dad.

As such, you don't owe him anything since he has never behaved like a DAD.

There is a huge difference between the two and once you get comfortable with that, your life will be a lot easier.

no you're not morally obliged. He hasn't treated you very well and it doesn't sound like he would be a particularly loving gp either

Good luck with your pg, just concentrate on yourself and your new family

Not at all.
Good luck on Thursday.