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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is this happening to me?

39 replies

mamabebe · 25/01/2010 16:27

Hi, all I'm new to Mums net & I'm having awful marriage problems. Basically DH told me 3 wks before Xmas he's no longer in love with me. DD was born July 09. He spends all his time at work, staying in hotels if it's late as his commute is 1hr30mins. He doesn't know why he's feeling like this and promises there's no one else. I'm nearly 40 and feel devestated. I dearly wanted another baby but doubt that'll happen now. He tried to walk at the weekend but I begged him to stay, he had to go into the office but was 'ok-ish' whilst at home, he had to go into the office on Sunday and stay in a hotel (again). We're still sleeping together so I'm confused. Feel totally worthless.

OP posts:
PoppityPing · 25/01/2010 16:48

Hi mamabebe, don't know what to say but bumping for you until someone wiser comes along. You need Happywoman etc

Hope you are ok.

darkandstormy · 25/01/2010 16:55

Has he always been like this or is it since the arrival of dd? Do you think fatherhood has come as a major shock?

Darknightofthesoul · 25/01/2010 16:57

Is he using work to avoid being with you do you think?

TheUsefulSuspect · 25/01/2010 17:03

Sounds like he is having an affair.

Sorry

MuthaHubbard · 25/01/2010 17:07

agree with usualsuspect.....sounds very dodgy to me

HappyWoman · 25/01/2010 17:11

sounds classic to me i'm afraid.

It also sounds as if he is unsure himself - otherwise he would not have stayed when you begged him.

Dont believe a word he is saying at the moment either - no one has no idea why they feel the way they do.

If i were you i would find out exactly what i was dealing with before you ask him anymore.
Use a pi to get you the info if you need to.

If there is nothing but work going on then you still need to address why he does not want to make a home for you dd.

good luck.

Original poster
mamabebe · 25/01/2010 17:11

hi all, thanks for sharing. darkandstormy he hasn't always been like this, he used to be completely loving and adoring although he says he's been pretending for a long time. He may well be using work to avoid being with me and I think fatherhood's come as a shock. I went home to my parents for a break and he said he missed DD, my dog but not me although he's since said 'it's not you it's me'

OP posts:
Original poster
mamabebe · 25/01/2010 17:14

Hi HappyWoman, thank you. When you say it 'sounds classic' what do you mean? I agree he's confused and unsure.

OP posts:
monkey9237 · 25/01/2010 17:22

Hi

So sorry to hear this, and sorry again but I agree with the other posters so far, it sounds like perhpas there IS someone else. My husband did the same to me, 6 months after our baby was born, and insisted insisted INSISTED there was nobody else - but there was.

Sounds like the baby has made your H feel pushed out/jealous/resentful. Perhaps he feels trapped at home which is why he wants to be away from the house so much too. A 1.5hour commute is my journey every day too, and back again - its not THAT far really, so I dont think hotels are really necessary.

Can you do some detective work? Phone bills, check his texts, bank statements, etc? All easier said than done with a little one, but can you? I found all I neeeded to know with an hour or two 'snooping' around.

Its not good enough for him to say he doesnt know why he feels this way - he has a wife and a baby. He HAS to talk to you. But if he won't, you need to talk to someone. Can you talk to Relate or a counsellor? Just on your own for now? You need to be strong whatever happens for yourself and your baby and this may be some help. It can give you some ideas about how to handle whatever happens next too.

I hope things work out for you. They did in the end for me, so it can be done but HE has to try too - not just dump it all on you to fix HIS life crisis. He is a husband and a parent and has responsibilities that he needs to recognise, not just behave like a tired child who is grumpy. Sprry ths post s rushed. Good luck.

HappyWoman · 25/01/2010 17:26

classic man having an affair - sorry!!

My h did it - swore there was no-one else blah blah blah....
And i dont think i have met anyone who has ever had an affair to admit it without some evidence.

They will get away with it for a long as they can.
Even with some evidence my h found excuses for most of his actions.
He even said the ow would be the last woman he would go with and he found her ugly - accused me for thinking he was that desperate . That was one conversation i wish i on tape to play to her because of course he never lied to her.

It is no excuse for him but i am sure he is confused if there is someone else involved at whatever level. He will feel guilty too and probably doesnt want to hurt you (even though he knows that is what he is doing).

I know is sounds sneaky and not how you want to behave but lets face it he is not willing to get to the bottom of it either is he. By saying he knows he is not being reasonable he is making you feel sorry for him too. By not doing anything about it to bring it to a head he is not being fair and using work as an excuse not to disscuss it with you.

sima74 · 25/01/2010 17:29

hi there, feel really bad for you as i have been in a similar situation myself many years ago when i was pregnant with my first, its a horrible horrible feeling to not feel wanted by someone whos just fathered your child and can really affect your self esteem plus make you feel extremely insecure. i think you may need to give him some time on his own to work out what he truly wants, this way you will be able to figure out if there is someone else,. Its difficult to get them to talk, i know mine hated this, i know its easier said than done but try not to make it seem as though you cannot live without him, sometimes this drives them away eveen further. everyones different so this may not be the right tactic for you but all i know is as soon as i stopped caring is when he started to.

juicy12 · 25/01/2010 17:33

Hmm, sounds very dodgy, I think. A 1hr 30 min commute is absolutely not a reason to need to stay in a hotel. That's an everyday commute for loads of people. You need to have a frank discussion to get to the bottom of it. Sorry.

maristella · 25/01/2010 17:49

whatever his reasons (excuses) are for his behaviour, please do not sleep with him while he continues to behave this way. it will only add to the damage this is doing to your self-esteem.
your best defence is to remind him who he is missing out on: look your daytime best and don't let him anywhere near you.
any man who claims to not love their partner any more should not be allowed to sleep in her bed

darkandstormy · 25/01/2010 17:56

agree with maristella focus on you and your dd. Please with hold sex and affection keep your chin up.Would he be open to visiting a counsellor. Do you have any mutual rl friends who could perhaps have a heart to heart with him.I think above posters could be correct re affairs, however, he could be very depressed and in denial about his life situation.

darkandstormy · 25/01/2010 17:58

forgot to mention please dont feel worthless, you are your special girls mummy focus on that positive.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/01/2010 18:26

So sorry to read all this, but I will echo what Happy Woman is saying. I'd say he is having an affair. If you take some time and look around these boards, there are countless posters who all got the same speech from their Hs and in every case where there has been an update, it turned out that the real cause for that speech was another woman.

I've also never known a man in real life come out with these misgivings (coupled with the other behaviour you describe) who wasn't having an affair either. I know that's horrible to absorb, but I'm afraid so many people will try to make out that they've suddenly changed from being adoring to distant because of other reasons - and meanwhile you are in the dark about the real reasons.

In your shoes, I'd be snooping like mad, starting with his phone and his laptop. Try to find out which hotel he is staying in too.

FWIW, you can recover a relationship after an affair, but not while you are still being deceived and lied to.

Come back to us and tell us when you last felt really happy and settled with life - there are incredible clues based on how you have been feeling in recent months. I know it doesn't help that you have probably been immersed (quite rightly) with baby care, but I'd bet you'd be able to timeline this if you really have a think.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2010 18:32

I agree with HW and WWIFN

please stop sleeping with him...you are going to feel 100X times worse about that when the truth comes out

KimiLivesInStarbucks · 25/01/2010 18:49

I don't care how many times he says there is no one else there IS.

HappyWoman · 25/01/2010 19:26

Yes there is hope - but you do have to take control - whatever the reasons for his attitude now it is not good for you.
Decide what you want to do - proabably you will want to 'fight' at first - but again be prepared to get to your lowest point and accept that you may have to go it alone. Only once you really know that can you work things out. Otherwise it will be too uneven.

Here is the rest of the 'script' - so you can be a bit more prepared.

He will get angry if ever questioned about what he is up to.
If he does admit it - it will only be for friendship or what you have already discovered anyway.
He will dither between the 2 of you for as long as he can - usually one woman gives up - it is usually the wife as she is often already at a lower point. He may go to counselling during this time to 'prove' to you and for a while he will expect you to do all the work on the relationship - if it fails it will be your fault.
A few men realise what they are about to lose and do work hard but it is not easy and he will still want to have some control (which he actually must give up for a while).

If he does go off with ow - it usually does not last. The usual time for it to really fail with ow is when a new man appears on the scene for the wife - as i think if he hasnt realised it by then that is when he sees what he has lost for good - and of course he becomes depressed and really not much of a catch for ow after all!!

I have seen it so many times.

Dont worry that you are not doing all the right things - none of us did - so dont feel you have to take all our advice - just remember we are here for you and you can do this - you will see a new strength in yourself someday.

Good luck and i really hope i am way off here.

poshsinglemum · 25/01/2010 19:51

It's not your fault that this is happening. It's happening because he's a wanker. Try not to let this destroy your self esteem.

It makes me so angry when men can't handle being dads and use that as an excuse to screw around or 'become distant'. It's pathetic of them really. They should keep it in their pants if they can't handle it.

I hope you sort this out.

poshsinglemum · 25/01/2010 19:52

Don't sleep with him either. How dare he say all of this devastating stuff then sleep with you.

overmydeadbody · 25/01/2010 19:55

It does sound classic, man having affair and keeping his options open at the same time.

You need to end this relationship properly if he hasn't got the balls to do it. Stop sleeping with him for starters, what good is it doing you to be used like this?

tartyhighheels · 25/01/2010 20:14

Please do not sleep with him, it will not make him stay with you.

I agree with so many others here - he sounds as if he is having an affair even if he isn't and it is merely a crisis re. parenting etc it matter not the result is the same, you have been rejected.

My husband does a total commute of 4 hours a day - he would never ever stay in a hotel. He will go to extraordinary lengths to come home to us even when it means being really late.

You poor love, for someone to tell you that they don't love you so soon after you have had their child is just dreadful for you. I can understand you want reassurance and comfort but sharing a bed although offering a very short term respite from your feelings will, in the end be something that hurts you much more than it heals.

You do need supprt from someone in RL, and although I know it is hard and embarassing to confide in someone else please do remember that his behaviour is not a reflection on you. He is not treating you like this because you have done anything wrong, he is doing it because he is selfish and destructive.

I wouldn't snoop on him, i just cannot see how it helps and you might find out things which hurt you more and do nothing to save your relationship. I think he has been very clear with you about his feelings and although it is hard, you do need to really hear that and take it on. Begging is no good.

Please also try to out some practical measures in place and take some legal advice because making your life financially insecure is not going to help you cope or recover. Please do not worry yet about not having another baby etc, you just do not know what can happen to you. Just look after yourself, try to eat and sleep well (hard I know) because your DD needs you to be strong.

I bet you feel like the bottom has dropped out of your world. My heartfelt best wishes to you and your little one.

AnyFucker · 25/01/2010 20:27

that is a very kind post, tarty

everylittlebeat · 25/01/2010 20:30

I might be on my own here, but I don't understand why everyone's so sure it's an affair. You know your DH best - what do you think?

Maybe you should suggest relationship counselling and see how he responds to that - hopefully you will at least find out whether he does want to work at your marriage.